This was it. The final battle. Harry was finally going to defeat Voldemort and be able to live a normal life with oodles of sex with many, many different women. All he had to do was cast one curse and it would all be over. There would be no more worrying about the Dark Lord or his minions and their nefarious plans. There would be no more worrying about the fates of his friends or their families. There would be no more Jell-O because, come on, anything that jiggles on its own must be possessed by a dark lord.
Harry would kind of miss the Jell-O.
Back to the present: Voldemort and Harry were standing in the middle of a random dark fortress. Harry had no idea how he found it, but after wandering down the grimy, grody halls for two hours he found the inner chamber where luckily enough Voldemort and all his followers were congregated. The Death Eaters were quickly taken care of with a simple expansive Cheering Charm from Harry which left only him and Voldemort in the heart of the scary dark fortress.
The two stood there, wands pointed at each other, bodies tense, waiting for the other to make the first move. After standing and doing nothing for three full hours, Voldemort lowered his wand and relaxed his body.
"What are you doing, Potter? Do you even have a plan, or are we just going to stand here for all eternity?" Voldemort said slowly but still bitingly.
Harry remained tense and didn't lower his wand an inch. "I have to kill you. Dumbledore said it was the only way I would get laid." The mention of sex made his eyes darken and turn an even more intense shade of green, as if they were preparing to seduce a girl then and there.
"Man, screw Dumbledore. He's a 150-year-old virgin." He took a drag on an odd-looking cigarette that Harry hadn't noticed before.
"No!" Harry gasped. His mentor, the man he played pirates with, was a virgin! It couldn't be! Well, actually it did make sense. The lingering glances, all the 'accidental' inappropriate touching, the babble about the power of love. Ugh. Only a virgin would think love was powerful. Harry lowered his wand.
"Yeah, that's right. You got to stick it to the man." Voldemort put his wand away and started walking towards Harry. "Otherwise you're going to end up an old, wrinkly virgin just like him." He took another drag and his eyes seemed to glaze over a bit. "That's what he wants, you know. It's Dumbledore's big plan. He thinks people in power should be virgins so they have their wits about them Pft. He's just bitter because no one wanted to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with him his fifth year," he finished and took another deep drag on his funny cigarette before offering it to Harry.
He took it and inhaled just like he saw Voldemort do. Little white lights seemed to burst in front of his eyes. Harry and Voldemort stood in the middle of the dark fortress and didn't say anything for a few minutes.
"Hey, man. Let's go get some hookers and make a man out of you," the snake-man drawled.
"You mean you're not a virgin?" Harry couldn't believe anyone would want to sleep with such an ugly man, even if he did wear some pretty snazzy suits.
Voldemort laughed. "Man, what do you think I did with the Death Eaters during all those meetings?"
"Ooh." Harry drew the word out really long and when he finally finished left his lips in the 'o' shape. After a couple minutes he asked, "Can my prostitute have red hair and an uncanny resemblance to my mother?"
"Yeah, man. Whatever tickles your pickle."
