Chapter 09


Maura reviewed the address; Jane would be happy living so close to Fenway Park. As she approached Julia's building, slowly looking for parking, she noticed the clamminess in her hands. Her heartbeat was slowly picking up; a few, controlled breaths steadied her. Just before leaving the car she lowered the sun visor and made sure that the freshly applied make up was still unpolluted.

The brownstone building welcomed her. It was just another brownstone building in a city where they flourished; it stood proud next to a few shops in a tree-lined street. It looked almost innocent, completely unaware that it was possibly about to play host to a remarkable event in Maura's life.

As Julia opened her apartment door, a wonderful smell invaded the hallway. If the coq-au-vin tasted as good as it smelled, Maura was in for a treat. Julia hesitated for a second, then bent forward and captured Maura's cheeks with a somewhat more intimate rendering of the continental greeting she had taught her. Maura flustered with the contact, lowering her eyes coyly.

The apartment was small but inviting; red, orange and yellow pillows sat on a simple beige couch, inviting one to sit and relax. A low table was covered with books and a couple of candles. Close to it, next to the bay windows, a few potted plants flourished. The open plan kitchen stood to the right, just beyond a small table where dinner was set. Candles flickered, the light playing with the wine glasses, the coq-au-vin aroma permeated the room; Maura half closed her eyes, feeling very comfortable. She turned to Julia, inhaling the wonderful aroma and nodding her approval.

"The extractor fan is broken. You'll have to excuse the smell." Julia shrugged, her eyes expectant.

Maura shook her head, smiling. "It is wonderful. The place and the food."

"The place is the best ever; it's my aunt's and comes almost free -a new ADA can't afford much, unfortunately." She grinned, shrugging the thought off. "The food is simmering, it needs a few more minutes. Let's have a drink while we wait."

"I brought you this. I hope it's as good as I remember."

Maura handed over the bottles she kept in a discrete bag and sat at the table watching Julia struggle with the corkscrew. She wondered if perhaps Julia was just as nervous as she was; it hadn't occurred to her, until now, that this situation might be as daunting to Julia.

As Julia dealt with the wine, Maura had the time to discretely appraise Julia. Her hair was down, just below her shoulders, making her look even younger. It suited her, as did the loose pair of slacks and simple blouse. She was a beautiful woman, even when not smiling. A tinge of expectation coursed through her as she focused on her lips. There was no doubt she wanted something to happen tonight; what exactly had yet to be decided.

The wine was good, and Julia was a gracious host. She covered the pot and sat across the table from Maura.

"So, did you have a good day?" Julia broke the ice with the most innocent question she could find.

Maura had, for the most part. The roughest part of the day had been crossing Jane briefly as she was on her way out of the station. It felt odd being so jittery about her upcoming date and having Jane nodding and smiling as if Maura was on her way to pick up her dry-cleaning. She saw Jane strut away and something had felt wrong. Very wrong.

That feeling still puzzled her. She took a sip of the wine –it was as good as she remembered- and shrugged, finally answering Julia's question with a safe topic.

"I wish there were no budget cuts; I really need to bring more people to the team. Luckily my lab techs are good; I couldn't do without them." It was a side step around the truth but she wasn't ready to talk to Julia about her nagging feelings about Jane.

"I don't know if I could deal with having people reporting directly to me. Never have, in fact."

Maura felt secure and relaxed talking about work; it was well within her comfort zone and soon she relaxed completely. The coq-au-vin was delicious, and Maura's compliment made Julia glow. They ate as Maura told her about Santorini, the caldera and the shades of blue that fused sea and houses.

"I always thought if I were to be married, it'd be there."

"Are you still hoping you'll get married?" Julia's voice had no particular inflection but her eyes were deeply probing.

"I do not think the marriage institution is for me. Not anymore."

"And here I am, celebrating that marriage is legal for all in so many states." Julia's joke fell on the table with a loud thud.

Maura smiled uncomfortably. "Do you want to get married, now that you can?"

The "you" in the sentence hit Julia squarely; there was Maura telling her she wasn't like her. "I have nobody to marry, so I have not even considered it. But it's just good to know that I could if I wanted to…"

"Can I ask a personal question?" Maura decided she might as well dive into it, now that the coq-au-vin was almost finished. When Julia nodded, she wiped the corners of her mouth and ceremoniously left the napkin on the table. "Have you always been with women?"

Julia laughed. "That question is as personal as asking me if I like my job or travelling. I'm not a gold-star lesbian, I'm afraid. I had one or two boyfriends before college; nothing serious." She shrugged. "I guess it was what I was supposed to do."

"And then, what happened?"

"College roommate happened, as cliché as it may be. My first love; the answer to so many questions. Didn't last long, though…"

"So why don't you date straight women?"

The bluntness of the question pushed Julia back on her chair. The answer came from afar, riding a thousand memories.

"I fell in love with a straight woman, a colleague. We were best friends for years. It wasn't instant; it was a closeness that grew over the years. I had always found her attractive but she had a boyfriend, she liked only men. And then she broke up with him, and we grew even closer. One day we kissed. I thought that there had to be a first time for everyone, so I went for it and fell head over heels in love. She broke my heart slowly, over the 3 years that our relationship lasted. And I'm boring you. Maybe I shouldn't even be telling you all this."

Maura found her eyes and held them with a smile. "I want to know, Julia."

Julia sighed, leaned back, and her eyes went back to watch her fingertips chasing each other. "Anyway, I know she loved me, but there was always something not right. She kept saying that it wasn't about me being a woman; it was the PDAs she hated. That it wasn't me; it was their friends that would not understand, or her family. We had moved in together, but feeling like the roommate was unbearable. And ultimately she missed men. She missed their smell, their bodies. Not once she was unfaithful to me, but there was always something not right between us. I hated that feeling, like I was lacking something, that I couldn't give her all she needed, no matter how much we loved each other." Julia raised her head and forced a smile. "Eventually, I left her. We lost contact; it just hurt too much to see her because we still loved each other, but not in the same way. I heard that she met a guy, had a shiny white wedding with flowing bridesmaids and a big happy, understanding family, so she's happy and that's good."

"You left her?"

"I had to. She wouldn't do anything." Julia shrugged, her eyes lost in her wine. "She didn't mean to hurt me, but if I'm in a relationship, I don't want either of us hold back, to feel incomplete. Ever."

Maura nodded, deeply moved by the story, but also by her own thoughts. Could that ever happen to her? She didn't know. The thought dampened her mood.

Julia leaned over and held Maura's hand. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't. You made me think."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Maura took a long breath, exhaling jumbled thoughts into a manageable question.

"Why did you invite me to dinner?"

Julia laughed, her clear voice sliding inside Maura.

"Because I've been thinking, and something tells me you are not like her. I'm certain you are not. There is something about you… Can't quite put my finger on it, but it's like you already have something inside, that this is not entirely new for you – even if subconsciously."

Maura was aghast. First, Julia thought that she was in love with Jane. Now she told her that she 'has already something inside". She had to be mistaken, surely. She had to be confusing the attraction to her with something else.

Julia realized she was losing Maura to something deep, far away. "Why did you accept my invitation?"

Maura's brow relaxed. She knew the answer to that. "Because I am not good with people. I seldom connect with someone, and I did with you, and I need to explore it. If you were a man, we would not be having this conversation; we'd be dating already."

The bluntness left Julia speechless. The first thing that crossed her mind was raising her glass.

"Let's toast. For a new world of possibilities."


A/N: Winter is coming; button up. But remember, spring always follows, even if riding in weather changing storms.