I don't own Mass Effect or the characters within it, I'm just borrowing them for a bit. Does that line even fly in a court of law?
A Gift of Pain
Tali'Zorah was riding the elevator up from the cargo bay, heading to Shepard's quarters. They had just returned from the Armstrong Cluster where they had taken out a collection of five geth outposts, spread across five different systems.
–
When Admiral Hackett had contacted Commander Shepard and asked for his assistance, Shepard had initially been reluctant to accept. While he saw the importance of stopping the geth, he wasn't sure if they could spare the time. Just a day prior, a salarian STG team investigating Saren had sent a message to the Citadel on a frequency reserved for top secret communication, but the message had been garbled and no one had any idea what they had been trying to say. All they knew was that it came from Virmire and was most likely mission critical.
Shepard had thought long about it, then decided that they would head for the geth bases first. Weighing the odds of everything going well on either mission, he decided that the geth bases were more likely to end up being a slight detour than Virmire would, so it made more sense taking the geth bases first.
Shepard, Tali and Chief Williams had been the ground team for taking the bases out. The geth resistance had been formidable and there had been several close calls, but eventually they had found the geth's main base that the Alliance brass had missed and kicked the geth out of the cluster.
–
About two hours after they had returned to the Normandy, Shepard had sent Tali a message asking her to come to his quarters. He didn't state specifically what it was about, but from his tone of voice it had sounded somewhat serious. More than likely, he wasn't calling her up just for pleasantries. Still, she had taken some... precautions, just in case. Even if it wasn't looking to be a happy visit, you never knew...
She had barely gotten out of the medical bay and been allowed back on ground missions, and already she was preparing to get herself sick again. She shook her head a little bit at the thought.
She arrived at his quarters and went straight in. Shepard had told her earlier that he preferred that she did, since he then wouldn't have to wonder if it was her every time someone was at the door, only to be disappointed when he opened up and found that it wasn't.
Shepard sat in the chair, looking at a small optical storage device on the table, which he was holding upright between his fingers. He casually twirled it around, staring intently at it from all sides. The serious look on his face gave her a sense of foreboding. As she stood there watching him, he suddenly became aware that she had arrived and looked up at her. Still keeping the OSD between his fingers, he indicated at the chair with his other hand.
"Please, have a seat..."
He seemed hesitant, but deliberate with every move and word, like he had rehearsed something he didn't really want to perform. Considering that his first words had been to tell her to sit down rather than being happy to see her or something similar, it wasn't really surprising. She wanted to ask him why, but decided there wouldn't be any need for that since it would likely come out on its own soon enough. Instead, she decided to behave as if nothing was wrong.
"What did you want to talk about, Shepard?"
He kept silent, staring at the OSD as if it was a live grenade or a wild animal about to bite him. He held it in his fingers, tapping it lightly against the table a few times, deep in thought.
"Do you remember when we were down on Solcrum earlier, inside the geth base?"
She nodded in silence.
"After we split up to sweep the base for any surviving geth, I found a still working computer inside one of the rooms. A small database."
Tali sat up a little straighter. If this was what she thought it was...
"I don't know what data was on it since it'll have to be decrypted first, but anything the geth decide is worth storing locally must be of some importance. I sent a copy to the Alliance, but I figured there was someone else who might be interested in it as well..."
He looked up at her. She was sitting nearly at the edge of her seat now. Her head was churning with thoughts about what that database could have contained. Long term strategic plans, logs dating back several years, maybe even their history since the exile of the quarian people... Regardless of what it was, it would tell them a lot about the geth's development since driving her people out. It would at the very least help them understand what geth placed value in, methods of thinking, what importance they placed on different information, maybe their long-term goals for their people... There were endless possibilities.
"I remember when you told me about your Pilgrimage. How you said that you couldn't just settle for anything to take back to your people. How it should be something related to the geth, something that would help your people better understand them and their development since your exile... I wouldn't be surprised if this was it. There is actually quite a lot of data here, far more than could be explained as just recon data for their current base buildup."
Shepard went quiet again. Something wasn't right. Initially when Tali had told him about her Pilgrimage, he had seemed eager to help her find something, offering to take her anywhere she wanted if she happened to find out about something she thought she could take back. Now that they could have found that something, he didn't seem very happy about it.
"Once I give you this data... your Pilgrimage is over, isn't it?"
Tali went numb as he said it. Once her Pilgrimage was over, and they had stopped Saren, she would be honor-bound to return to the Migrant Fleet. Once she did, she would become a crew member of a new ship, and would most likely not be able to leave the Flotilla again for a long time. She realized now why Shepard was acting the way he did. If he handed that data over to her... they would have to say goodbye...
"It's kind of funny really... I had been hoping I would find something you could take back to the Fleet... but now that I have it here... I kind of wish I didn't..."
Tali kept staring at the device. She was starting to feel the same way about it that Shepard probably did. She wanted it. She wanted to take it back to her people, to finish her Pilgrimage and hopefully see the data help her people make progress towards their long-term goal of retaking their home planet. But that meant having to leave behind the man she loved...
Shepard was spinning the OSD slowly in his fingers again. If he wanted to, he could easily crush the device and remove the problem. If he did, they would have to look for something else Tali could take back to the fleet, which could take months or even years. A long time either way... time they could spend together...
She wondered at how Shepard hadn't destroyed the device already. She knew how much he loved her, how much he gave up when he decided to be with her instead of someone else, like a human or an asari. Now there was another obstacle in his way, and while he could have easily thrown it away without her ever knowing about it, he didn't. He understood its potential importance to her and the quarian people, and put it ahead of his own selfish happiness... just like she did...
His fingers stopped spinning the OSD. Slowly, he straightened up and slid the device across the table towards her. She looked down at it after he had pulled his hand back, briefly considering the option of simply throwing it away.
"You might never find anything like it again, Tali."
She knew he was right. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. But so was their love...
They sat in silence for several minutes while Tali agonized over whether to take the OSD, or to commit another act of selfishness and throw it away for the sake of her own happiness. Whichever decision she made, she would have to give up something very dear to her.
She could feel the tears running down her cheeks as she curled her fingers around the OSD. She picked it up, held it in her hand... and gently slipped it into one of the pockets on her suit.
"I'm sorry, Shepard..." It was all she could say before she started crying in earnest.
Shepard stood up from his chair and walked over to her. He put his hand gently on her shoulder, and when Tali stood up they embraced each other tightly. Shepard stroked her back while she cried against his chest, his own tears coming out as well. He had known this would happen... and he still offered her the OSD.
"Shepard, I..."
"It's ok, Tali. I know..."
It wasn't fair. Shepard didn't deserve this. He had fought so hard for them to be together, only to have to give it up now they had found something Tali could bring back to the Fleet. She was angry with him, almost furious, for not having simply thrown the OSD away without letting her know. If she hadn't known, they wouldn't have to go through this now. They could have been together until they found something else she could bring back. But at the same time, she was overwhelmingly grateful to him for giving her such an important item for her people, despite the cost to himself and their relationship. She couldn't reconcile the two opposing feelings.
"Why, Shepard..." she stammered out between crying. "Why didn't you just throw it away..."
"You would never have forgiven me if I did... and neither would I..."
They stayed in each other's arms for a long time until Tali started calming down, her crying gradually turning into quiet sobs. Shepard kept stroking her back, soothing her. As a soldier he knew all about making the right decisions, even if they weren't the ones he wanted to make. So did she. They had done the right thing, but why did the right decisions always have to be the hard ones?
Whatever was on that OSD, it would give the quarian people insights into the geth as they were today. That alone was as valuable a gift as she could hope to bring back to the fleet. The actual information itself however didn't have to be all that useful, but once it was handed in, that was it. Her Pilgrimage would be over, she would pick a new ship to live on, and would be giving up her freedom to work for the Migrant Fleet. She would likely never see Shepard again, unless by some freak chance she would find herself somewhere in the galaxy on business for the Fleet and Shepard just happened to be at the very same place at the same time as well. Little wonder that some quarians decided to never return to the fleet.
Shepard let out a small sigh as he spoke.
"You know, if the contents of that OSD turns out to be the geth's big collection of mature jokes about organics, I'm gonna be pretty upset about this whole thing."
Despite everything, Tali found herself chuckling at his poorly timed joke even as she kept sobbing. She bonked her helmet against his chest in mock displeasure before resting her head back against him, but didn't say anything.
"Maybe the Admiralty Board won't see the humor in it and kick you out on another Pilgrimage. I'd be happy to ferry you around if they do."
She giggled a bit at the mental picture of her father and the other admirals reading a geth database of dirty jokes about organics, the shock on their faces as all the great geth secrets they had expected turned out to be nothing but crude synthetic humor. She found it strange how Shepard could joke around at a time like this, but at least it was making her feel a little bit better, even as she kept sobbing. She looked up at him.
"I think if it turned out to be nothing but dirty jokes from the geth on that OSD, they would consider it valuable information about the evolution of the geth. And then file it under 'top secret' and never speak of it again."
"You think so? Then, do you think it's too late to swap the OSDs, because I think Joker has a pretty big collection of them on his personal computer."
She hugged him a little tighter as they both chuckled a bit at the absurdity of it. At least it was better than feeling complete despair. She appreciated what Shepard was doing for her, but it also made her regret that she couldn't do anything in return other than keeping her pledge to help him stop Saren.
"By the way Tali, I forgot to mention."
She looked back up at him. He had a slight mischievous smile on his face now.
"That OSD you got... it's not free, you know? You have no idea what I had to go through to get that thing, I can't just give it away now, can I?"
She couldn't help but smile a bit as well.
"Ok, I'll play along. What do you want for it?"
Shepard brought a hand up to his chin, stroking it in feigned contemplation.
"Well, I was thinking that once this whole thing with Saren is over, a month of extra service on the Normandy isn't too much to ask for something of such importance to the Migrant Fleet."
He put his arm back around her, looking down at her face with a genuine smile on his face.
"We'll fit in some R&R in there as well, of course. It's been a long trip, after all... Maybe we'll run a week or two over time, but that's the military for you. Some things just can't be helped, you know?"
"Can't be helped, huh? Well, if you put it that way, how could I possibly refuse?"
She hugged him a bit tighter again. While she wasn't looking forward to leaving him, at least he was doing what he could to help them make the most of the time they had left. The thought of spending a few weeks with him, not having to worry about Saren, the geth, being in mortal danger, or the rest of the galaxy... that was something to look forward to at least. But that was for another time, and not until after they had stopped Saren. She wanted something to make her feel better now...
"I don't really feel like going back and being all alone for the rest of the evening, Shepard. Maybe we could... you know... take some of that R&R in advance?"
She moved one of her hands from his back and started working on the visor lock.
"Tali..."
"Don't worry, Shepard. I've taken some measures this time..."
She took her visor off and put it down on the table next to them.
"Besides, you wouldn't leave a poor girl alone when she desperately needs comfort, would you? Would you really be that cruel?"
She smiled at him, a genuine, sweet smile. If they couldn't be together after all this was over, then at least she was going to make sure to put what time they had left to good use.
Shepard smiled back at her, the smile that he only showed to her, that made her heart melt.
"No, I guess that wouldn't do at all..."
Their lips met in a deep, wet kiss. Tali didn't know how she would ever go on once they couldn't be together anymore, not being able to feel Shepard's skin against hers, or kiss him, or feel his arms around her. The Pilgrimage had taught her a lot about not taking what she had on the Flotilla for granted... but after having been with Shepard, it had also taught her what she was missing there.
She pushed the thoughts out of her mind. Right now, she would just focus on enjoying every moment with him, remembering every second they spent together. They would be her most precious memories when the time came to say goodbye.
Well, that happiness didn't last long. Geez, I hate myself sometimes. It's not my fault that loving quarians is so difficult though, or so I keep telling myself. I'm not even doing this on purpose. But hey, there's always Mass Effect 2, right? Probably...
Anyway, this chapter wasn't too long either, and I guess we're getting closer to the end of the ME1 arc soon. Two or three chapters, maybe? Hard to say.
I'll just have to apologize to the fluff crowd (I didn't even know about that word in fanfic context until I posted chapter 7 and saw the reviews...), this story isn't exactly what you've been looking for. I'll work on that... when the ME2 arc comes around, probably... Should I have used the drama tag instead?
Anyway, that's it for this time. Sorry again!
