Trigger Warnings: night terrors
A moment of silence passes. Did I ramble too much? Another moment. Did my argument have too many assumptions? Though my resolve wavers, I keep my eyes on Odin. Odin looks at everyone but me. This is it, isn't it? I didn't try hard enough — my argument wasn't good enough — I wasn't good enough.
Another beat of agonizing silence passes before the Allfather speaks. "Loki is acquitted of all crimes."
Thank God, gosh, goodness — thank it all! I turn to look at the man beside me to find him staring blankly at the ground near the throne, fists clenched so hard I swear I see blood.
"Do you desire anything else, seer child?" Odin asks.
Still watching Loki, I slowly open my mouth, then close it again. I feel my throat begin to swell closed. I knew this would happen. I knew he would hate me. I knew. . . . I promised myself he would get past this. The alternative was his end; he has to get through this.
Thor speaks up. "Loki has been invited to stay on Midgard." For what, really, are an older sibling's friends? My words seem echo louder than Thor's shaky voice. I look over to him to see he has been balling his eyes out.
I turn back toward Loki. "Do you still want that?" I manage to ask. He doesn't respond, but I know what he's thinking: there is no way he can ever show his face here again.
And that's it. The tears break free. I don't have what it takes to stop them.
"That sounds like a nice plan." I look up at the soft voice, finding the queen has come over to us. "Loki, dear." She turns him so his back is to the throne. I shuffle over to Thor, trying to ignore Frigga's whispers to her son. Thor's friends and the guards have left. So has Heimdall, not that it really makes a difference for him, but the gesture is appreciated.
I follow Thor a little way from Frigga and Loki. He stops and speaks without turning around. "Seers don't lie."
"I'm not a seer."
"Regardless, your words are true," he says, turning to face me. Seeing his distress, I instinctively close the gap and wrap my arms around him.
"He's strong, Thor. He'll get past this and continue to amaze us all." Strong arms return my embrace.
"And when he returns, hopefully I'll be worthy of being his brother." He gives a tight squeeze before letting go and nodding toward something beside us. "Father."
I step back from Thor, wipe my eyes, and turn to face Odin. "Your Highness, I apologize for my attitude. I do very much respect the weight and responsibilities you bear."
"But you do not apologize for your words."
"I cannot."
"Good. Do not apologize for speaking truth. A good seer lives for truth and should never be ashamed of it."
"Your Highness, I don't understand why you are calling me a seer."
"The queen will explain. Go ask her." I glance over to where she and Loki are. They are a bit apart now, standing in strained silence. I nod to the Allfather and begin tentatively walking toward Frigga.
As I walk, my vision darkens, and the ground jumps up to meet me.
—
Why is it so bright? I just want to sleep.
Wait. I shouldn't be sleeping. What was I doing? Oh yeah, talking to Odin. So why am I asleep?
Ugh, did I pass out? I passed out. I hate passing out. I hope I didn't land on my face again. I open my eyes and wait for the world to come into focus.
Not Asgard. Definitely not Asgard.
Bruce's face appears. "How do you feel?" he asks in his doctor voice, shining a penlight in my eyes.
I move a hand to cover my face and slowly sit up. "Fine, just, don't do that. That makes things worse. It'll make me sick." I bring my legs up to my chest and rest my cheek on my knees, taking in the room. I'm in Stark Tower. The whole team is here (except for Thor), all with expressions of varying degrees of worry. I'm just happy my face doesn't hurt and my stomach is calm. The other times I've passed out, I woke up, er, queasy.
Then I see Loki standing away from the rest of the group, glaring daggers at me. I swear those daggers reach into my chest, stabbing and twisting. But when I close my eyes, I see his face as he let himself fall into oblivion, and I remember why I did it. I open my eyes again to find Loki no longer glaring, but still looking very upset.
I turn toward the rest of the group. "So, um, anyone want to fill men in? Last I remember, I was talking to Odin." Tony shrugs. Bruce, who had backed away when I sat up, gives no answer.
"Loki won't say. He just appeared with you in his arms on the roof," Steve supplies, leveling a glare at said man. It pales in comparison to the death ray I was subject to a moment ago.
"You've been lying there for about twenty minutes," a new voice pipes up. "Any longer, and I think Loki would've been torn to shreds."
"Twenty minutes, huh? That's a new record," I mumble. I think the most I've been out is about two minutes, but no one would tell me the details, so I'm not sure. I stretch my legs out and sit upright, looking around for the source of the voice. My eyes land on a woman standing next to Tony. "Ms Potts, it's a pleasure to meet you!"
She smiles politely. "Call me Pepper. Tony says you're on a first name basis with everyone else." Yeah, how did that happen?
I smile graciously, but my smile quickly falls away when I turn back to Loki. "So, um, what happened?" I ask without meeting his eyes.
"Do you remember what he said to you?" he asks carefully.
"I think so?" I pull on my earlobe, thinking. "Last I remember, he wanted me to speak with Frigga." I speak slowly, trying to pull the memory out of the haze of losing consciousness. "I remember taking a few steps and then . . . that's it."
"You aren't missing any time."
I sigh in relief. "Well, that's good. What happened in between me passing out and us getting here?"
"Not much. The queen sent us back using the Tesseract. She says to come back when you're ready to apprentice," he states simply, though a bit irritated.
My eyes go wide. "A-apprentice?"
"That's what I said, yes. I am to instruct you until then."
Instruct me in what? "Uh, th-thank you."
"Are you two going to explain?" Tony asks impatiently.
"Loki, to be honest, I'm kind of in shock here. I understand what you've said, but not in context."
He unfolds his arms and sighs. "Describe what happened when you were listing your 'proof'."
I shudder a bit as the moment comes to mind, but do as he says. "Well, to start, I was pretty mad." Another mistake. "I knew Odin doesn't think much of humans, but how rude he was right off the bat sent me over the edge. I went in barely containing my anger at him anyway, and I think something inside of me snapped." My emotions caused me to crumble under pressure. "He wanted proof I knew things, and I was going to give him undeniable proof, and it would hurt." I told myself I was better than that, that I wasn't like my mother's family, but I was wrong. "I started going through what I knew chronologically."
Deal with your family issues on your own time, Paige. Just tell what happened. "The scenes I mentioned played in my mind." They did, didn't they? I speak more slowly, "As I started mentioning the childhood vow, it was like I was actually watching it." I think that's when it started, but what was it that happened? "The scenes started to replace my senses, and the words just started to tumble out." I pull my legs back to my chest, hugging them tight to hide my trembling. "I knew what I was saying, but I wasn't . . . controlling it. I'm not good at remembering exact quotes, but I quoted dialogue verbatim. And my phrasing . . . became strange. I was kind of lost to the scenes flashing before me — some, now that I think about it, weren't in the movie — and every here and there, words spilled out." What happened to me?
I peak back up at Loki, eyes too blurry to make out his expression. "I'm not good with time, but when you called me back, it felt simultaneously like I had been gone for both an eternity and just a few seconds." I take a deep, shaky breath. I think I've used up most of tears already, at least.
"How many times did I call out to you?" Loki's voice is a bit softer than before.
I frown and wipe at my eyes. That's a strange question. "I only remember you saying my name once. Then the room came back into view, and I began to feel your grip on my arm." Am I missing something? "Did you say anything else?"
"That was my third attempt."
"She's some kind of seer now, too?" I shudder at the word. Odin and Thor called me that, but I don't know why. I look at Tony. Why is he calling me that? "Is anyone else unnerved by her knowledge?" Tony asks the group, exasperated. He turns to me and sighs. "I'm not upset. I just want to know how much you know about us. It doesn't seem fair." Steve and Clint nod.
"If you tell us," my eyes dart back to Loki as he speaks, "we can help you make things turn out alright." He uses a soothing tone, trying to ease the answer from me.
My throat feels like it's swelling closed again. I push the name they called me to the back of my mind once more and focus on keeping my breathing steady. I already caved to emotion once today, nearly costing Loki his freedom. I close my eyes and stubbornly shake my head. I can't give in again, not when even more is at stake.
"I said you two could stay in my tower. Well, now I have a condition. You tell us what you know," I can't, "or Loki stays with SHIELD."
I look up, startled. He is dead serious. I'm not yet prepared for this. My plans aren't finished. I glance up at Loki, then back at Tony, the wheels in my head spinning so fast it's a wonder steam isn't coming out of my ears.
Shakily, I concede. "Fine."
He waits a second. "Well, now would be a great time to start, kiddo." It really isn't, though.
"I have a condition."
"What?" He drops his folded arms. "You can't put a condition on my condition!"
I press on. "We, all of us, go on vacation in Utah. You know, relax, do some team building," I catch Natasha's eye, "get away from the world." She gives a slight nod. I knew I could count on her to understand.
"Why Utah of all places? Why tour Mormon sister-wife compounds when you can sip margaritas in Fiji?" Tony argues.
"Okay, first of all, the LDS church banned plural marriage over a century ago." Why are you offended, Paige? "I'll spare you my well-researched lesson on how the modern, developed American West was only made possible by the efforts made by the church." You're just cranky from the day's stress.
"Oh my god, you're one of them." Am I?
I roll my eyes. "Yes. Well, yes and no." I shake my head and push down the pain and confusion; now is not the time. "That's not why I chose Utah. I thought visiting the parks — there happen to be quite a few gorgeous National Parks in the state and surrounding area — would be fun. There's so much I still want to see there, and there's so much to do that would be great with this group." What I say is true, but it's not my reason. It will take everything I have to keep dancing around total honesty until it's safe. But there's no other option.
"I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon," Steve muses.
"We'll do the North Rim; even the drive is amazing."
Clint stretches dramatically. "I wouldn't mind a vacation."
I turn to Bruce; his vote as half of the science bros should convince Tony. "The air is super clear, and the sky is breathtaking," I tell him. I need to convince Tony. I don't have a plan b. "Bright blue days, vibrant sunrises and sunsets, and nighttime views astronomers dream of. There's no better place to meditate and relax."
"She makes a convincing argument," Pepper prods. I hope I do.
"My colleagues used to rave about the Utah and Arizona desert," Bruce informs Tony. Yes! That should do it!
Tony throws his hands in the air. "Okay, I give up! Utah it is. Pepper?" Tony, Pepper, and Bruce begin to make plans while Natasha, Clint, and Steve chat about camping trips. Smiling, I skip over to the window to finally take in the view.
However, all my mind seems to want to do is worry about explanations. I try to shake the thoughts away and focus on the vacation aspect. I step away from the window and begin spinning cheerfully. "Road trip! Road trip!" I sing-song to myself. I had forgotten how much I love to spin. Am I tired-silly right now? "Road trip through U—"
Suddenly I'm very dizzy. I stop and de-rotate, but the room is still spinning. Pressing one hand to my temple, I slowly walk back toward the couch, mentally chastising myself for spinning when I know I have vertigo.
The room grows darker. "Whoah." I manage about three small steps before deciding sitting is safer. As I lower myself to the ground, a ringing begins to overtake my hearing. This isn't vertigo. The last sound I can discern is some argument with male voices.
I squint. Is that someone near me? All I can see are dark shadows in a tunnel. "Um, I'm sorry to bother everyone, but my blood sugar is low and I'm crashing." I think that was audible? Something soft and fleshy is pressed into my hands. I smile and nod my thanks to what is now solid darkness, carefully eating the clementine one segment at a time. I sip from the glass of water my hand is guided to before resting my forehead on my knees and waiting for my senses to come back.
Eventually, I look up, blinking as my eyes readjust to the light. Steve is crouching before me. "Are you better?" he asks.
"Can you help me over to the couch? I just need to sit for a bit. And eat a real meal," I sigh.
He helps me up and informs me that Loki said as much and pizza has already been ordered. I watch my feet as he guides me, partially for balance, but mostly out of embarrassment.
—
A tall figure settles down on the floor next to me. I pause the music on the tablet and take my earbuds out. "What's up?" I ask quietly, without turning away from the window. I do, however, refocus my eyes for a moment to see the reflection in the glass. Just the two of us. I return to staring out the window, taking in the big city night. "You can't see the stars, but it's beautiful in its own way, don't you think?" I murmur.
"You're unbelievably naive."
"I won't deny that." I give him a minute to elaborate. He doesn't. I watch a light move in the sky. "Loki, what is this about?" Is that a helicopter? It doesn't look like a plane.
"What makes you so sure my mind was completely enslaved?" His voice is dark and laced with insinuated threats.
Too bad for him, I'm too tired to be intimidated. "Nothing. I never said I believed such a thing. All I know is that you weren't one-hundred-percent in control. And that's all I ever claimed: 'his mind was not his own'."
"You manipulated everyone."
I shrug. "Innocent and not-guilty are two different things."
"If you aren't convinced I'm innocent, why do you trust me? I could easily kill you right now, without a second thought."
Is that supposed to be a threat? "If you haven't noticed, so could just about everyone I've been around lately." I know I've told him I don't fear death.
"That doesn't answer my question."
It's too late for this. I turn to look him in the eye, meeting his icy gaze with cool, no-bull assurance. "I trust your judgement. You don't do things without reason. I don't see a real cause for you to kill me yet — though I'm sure you want to after today — but even if you did, I would be at peace knowing that my death served a worthy purpose." Something in his eyes changes as I speak, and I wish that I was better at reading people. "I fear many things, but not death, and not you."
Whatever it was is soon gone, his face hardening into cold stone. "You pretend to know everything, but how much do you really know about this world, these people?" I remain silent, mirroring his expression. "Why don't you tell everyone how much you've seen, so they can judge for themselves how useful your help is?"
Because I can't! I can't! I want to scream. "You know very well why I can't do that," I say quietly. He has to know. Don't they realize I would've told them everything if I could?
His lips turn up in a sneer. "Ah, yes, it would damage your pride. You need to be in control; you need to be important."
"It's been a long day. . . . I want to tell you we'll play this game another time, but we can't stay like this." I can't take any more today. "I knew going in you would probably hate me, likely never forgive me, so just say it already. I exposed your inner demons to your outer ones. I showed them your weaknesses. I played on their pity. You can never go back there. We can never go back. I betrayed your trust. You hate me. You hate me, just say it!" Big, heavy drops stream from my eyes.
"Why?"
" . . . You're right; I'm suffering more without the closure."
"A valid point, but not what I meant." He tries to catch my eye.
I shake my head weakly. "I don't understand, Loki. Why what?"
"It hasn't escaped my notice that you also rarely act without reason." He doesn't sound as upset as before. "If you were so sure I would hate you, and knew that it would hurt so much, then why did you do it? Do not misunderstand; I'm furious with you. But I need to know why you risked death to make this happen."
I clear my vision enough to see his eyes clearly. I'm confronted by a view of conflicted anger and confusion. "I . . . ." I don't know if he'll let me speak to him again. I have to tell him now, in case it's the last I get to say. "When I look at you, I see someone great. I see a good man, who's been through so much but only fought to be better. Better than the day before. Better than his circumstances. Better than the people around him. Better than the voices inside that tell you to give up, that it's pointless. In this tower, I saw a man that was still fighting, even after going through hell guided by the devil himself.
"And then you beat him. Before, I just wanted justice. Justice and mercy. But in that moment, I saw a great man, a great man with the potential to be amazing — more, even.
"And in that moment, I knew that I'd do anything to help that happen. If saying things that would make you hate me is what it took to keep you from being locked up and stifled in Asgard, then I would do it without hesitation. I had just hoped that maybe it would also help you process and move on." I had hoped.
Loki looks skeptical. "You didn't even know me, but in under a day you decided to dedicate your life to me?" he asks suspiciously.
"More or less. I needed something to live for, and you seemed a more than worthy cause."
He mulls it over for a minute. " . . . Your answer certainly isn't what I expected."
"What did you expect? A declaration of love?" I attempt a small laugh, but it comes out ugly and pained.
He rolls his eyes. "That, or some intense scheme. Mostly, just a pathetic girl pining over the man she played nurse to."
I almost smile. "Not really my style. Sorry to disappoint you."
"This is better," he says quietly.
We both stare out the window for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts. I turn back to him. " . . . So, do you think we can be good again?" I don't think he'll say yes, but something about the moment, about being next to him, gives me the courage to ask.
"You promised to be honest with me, so I'll be honest with you." He runs a hand through his hair and catches my eye in the reflection. " . . . I think that more than anything, my pride was hurt and I was embarrassed. In Asgard, I was furious with you. And then you collapsed. For whatever reason, you had accidentally unlocked a hidden power within yourself in an effort to get me off simple house arrest." He shakes his head, breaking eye contact.
"At the end of your trance, you shared a raw and very private moment. I hated you for saying those things aloud, for even knowing them." He turns his head to look at me, now. "But when you came back, I saw you force down your fear and confusion, replacing it with worry and determination. You barely knew what magic was but had somehow found yourself in front of the Allfather at the end of a vision, not understanding what had happened, but continuing to fight for me." He looks uncertain, unaccustomed to speaking in this way. But he holds my gaze for the most part, determined to get the words out.
"I didn't care about that; I didn't think about it. Until you collapsed and reminded me that you weren't some villain, but a girl going to enormous lengths for my sake." He grows quiet again, almost whispering now. "I tried to stay furious, but after that, the anger has been difficult to hold on to. I'm more exhausted than anything now."
I . . . didn't expect him to be so raw with me. "You'll be okay." I don't know how to respond, so I just offer what words of comfort I can. "It'll take time, and the pain will never really go away, but you'll be okay."
He turns back to the window. "I'm not sure how I feel about this talking-things-out method of yours."
"I'm not always sure either, but I know keeping feelings bottled up never ends well."
"And you're okay with the possibility that part of what I was before . . . was really me?" his voice is guarded.
I respond firmly, "I am."
"So are we . . . are we friends?"
I— I don't know. Is this what friendship is? "I'd say so." If we can be that open with each other, that comfortable . . . than I suppose we are.
"'For what, really, are an older sibling's friends?'" A chill goes down my spine. "You said that during your trance."
"So I recall. But Thor and I aren't really friends."
—
"Paige. Paige, wake up!" The lights in my room suddenly turn on.
I roll over, groaning, and rub my eyes. "Jarvis? What's wrong?"
"Loki is experiencing a night terror," he responds insistently.
I jump up and run to the door. Hand on the knob, I turn back and throw a bra on, then rush out of my room.
I knock on the door opposite mine. "Loki?" I knock again, but receive no answer. I try the handle and find Jarvis has already unlocked the door. By the light of a nightstand lamp, I see Loki curled in a painfully tight ball on the far side of the bed, shivering violently, the blankets all kicked down by his feet.
I close the door and run around the bed. "Loki, wake up. It's just a dream." His face is scrunched up in pain. I rest a hand on his shoulder. He is freezing! "Loki, it's just a dream. You're safe now. You're safe here."
He has stopped shivering so intensely, but shows no signs of waking. I gently shake him. Then more violently. I pry his eyelids open and have Jarvis flicker the ceiling light. I pound on his chest. I try everything I can think of, but nothing will wake him. I wipe at my eyes furiously, refusing to break down when my friend needs me.
I brush the hair out of Loki's face and rest my hand on his cheek. I need to come up with something, a way to wake him up that won't bring attention to the room. "Loki, it's okay. I'm right here," I say softly. What else is left? What haven't I tried? "They can't hurt you anymore." Loki's face softens, and he leans into my touch.
Embarrassed, I back away. His face contorts again. No, I can't—
Why the hell not? You always say it's only awkward if you make it that way. "Jarvis, any other ideas?" Besides, does awkward really trump necessity? Grow up, Paige.
"Not without waking anyone else."
I bite my lip. I can't wake him, but it seems I can at least help some. I pull the blankets up over the freezing man, then crawl in next to him. Finding that more contact equates to a more relaxed and warmer Loki, I fall asleep with my arms around him, my body pressed against his back, lulled by his finally steady breathing.
