Hi! I know its been a while but I've almost completely lost my Torchwood muse lately - I blame the anticlimax of getting the Miracle Day box set (don't bother with the deleted scenes; they are so awful that you can tell they were deleted for a reason) and a newfound love of The Mighty Boosh providing me with an obsession for the moment. Sadly this means that I'm going to have to leave the Torchwood fandom alone for a bit so that I can enjoy the show more and get my interest back enough to write fanfics. (Sorry! I'm upset about it but it's the only way!) Basically, I've ODed on Torchwood lol, so this fic will probably be my last for a while. Anyway, let me know how you think I've done with Andy in the form of a nice little review. :) x
From: Torchwood, Agent Gwen Cooper
To: PCADavidson, Cardiff Central Police/Heddlu Caerdydd
ALL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE TORCHWOOD INSTITUTE IS CLASSIFIED – THE FOLLOWING EMAIL IS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.
Hi Andy!
Listen, Ianto's been pestering me for ages about the fact that we need an official police contact on file, so could you be a sweetheart and do the honours? I tried getting DC Catherine Swanson to be our official port of call but she declined in her usual way (swearing for six minutes solid about Jack's conduct) before informing me that I was a traitor to the force and then hanging up. It's not that you're the last resort, but I really need someone to do this for us. For me. Please?
Oh and I've attached the file for the form which you have to fill in for this. Officially we're supposed to establish the profile for you, but I've seen what Jack has done to Rhys's one and frankly Ianto and I haven't got enough time on our hands to bollock him over it. Just fill things in next time you're somewhere out of the office and fire it back to me, will you?
Thanks for doing this, pet. You're a star.
Gwen xox
By Decree of (Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased) (Yvonne Hartman – Deceased) Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute.
Name: Andrew Davidson(Otherwise known as the apparently gullible guy who still can't believe that he's actually doing this.)
Rank: Police Constable (Not that it matters, does it Gwen? Your lot walk all over the Cardiff Force like shit in student housing.)
Species: Human. This is Earth, right? It's not like Gwen's sewer beasts make up most of the population of Cardiff, is it?
Gender: Male. Bet your mate Mulder loves that, even if that Ianto bloke seems like the jealous type.
Sexual Orientation: Never you bloody well mind! All I'm saying is that Gwen should have never married Rhys. He's cheating on her with several boxes of Krispy Krème donuts for lovers. What the hell does she see in him?
Date of Birth: 18th November 1974
Relationship Status: Single, not that you should bloody well care.
Torchwood Affiliation History: Gwen was my patrol partner before Torchwood fucked with her mind and then stole her away to offer her a job (why not me?). She just disappeared and then the next thing I know she's all bloody leather and swagger while I'm still stuck here at a desk or on the beat in a shitty state police uniform. And it's not like she tells me anything either; no wait, she tells me lies instead. I practically handed that Jonah case to her on a plate, helped her with it too – then she nicks the speedboat and leaves me stranded like the twat that she thinks I am. All I'm saying is that a spooky do needs a bit more perspective and discussion with the police. Especially because real people and real lives tend to be at stake when Torchwood start poking their nose where most people shouldn't. Your lot had better read this, Gwen.
Current Role Within The Institute: Well, I'm not 'within the Institute' am I? I'm exactly what it said in the email – the desperate last minute choice of someone for Gwen to talk to when she's not too busy being all high and mighty and cold. Unless there are any job vacancies in Torchwood? I'm open to discussions.
Special Skills: I'm loyal, funny, a wizard at Sudoku, I can cook, I'm a people person – no wait, I'm stopping this now before it starts sounding even more like my online dating profile.
Useful Contacts: Gwen Cooper, Searchlight; my superiors if I can ever get any leverage. There is not much you can do as a PC, other than paperwork. Call me back if I ever become a Sergeant.
Next of Kin: Me Mam. Most of those details are on my police records, which no doubt Torchwood have hacked anyway.
Lover or Fighter? : How can this be relevant in any way? Fine, I'll choose 'fighter', even if Gwen will laugh in my face. She'd laugh at 'lover' anyhow; but let me tell you, I've got four dates with women I met online next week so shove your laughter up your arse.
Live or Die? : Live. Someone has to remind Gwen of the real world; Rhys only sees through the perspective of a donut hole, and the sofa will eventually eat him in turn one day.
Interests: Sudoku, rugby (watching), TV, becoming part of a certain secret organisation that is also possibly a cult? I'm serious.
Additional Notes: There Gwen, I've done it. I hope you're happy that you've used me again as a last resort. Now, will you please start answering my calls? I've tried both your mobile and the emergency line and still no one picks up, which makes it a bit of a crap emergency line if I'm honest. Start acting like more of a friend for a change, and speak to that boss of yours about making me an agent.
Last Edited Feb 2009. *N.B. The issue of PC Andrew Davidson's recruitment was once again revisited on the agenda of the 24th February 2009 monthly board meeting. The decision still remains a unanimous 'NO'. This will be officially documented and the issue will now permanently be removed from the agenda as a waste of time and discussion. – IJ.*
So was that Andy enough? I'll get Rex's out of the way next, and then maybe post species profiles for Myfannwy and Janet (obviously written by Ianto and Owen respectively) before I leave you for a while if you're all good enough. Pretty please click that little review button! :) MC. x
