Seeing Daylight
~*Chapter 9*~
"Hi, Tanya, it's Bella. I was hoping to catch you in person to let you know I won't be in today. A few things came up over the weekend and I need to take care of some personal stuff. I'll be in tomorrow morning. If you need something, feel free to give me a call," Bella said as she ended her message to her boss.
She had woken up bright eyed and ready to face the day. Her car was supposed to be ready before noon, and while she was a little reluctant to say goodbye to Edward, she knew she needed to get away from him and his house in order to think clearly. After the searing kiss from the night before, she had laid in bed, reeling from the intensity of emotion she felt. Everything about that moment had been perfect – the feel of his lips, the slight roughness of his hands, and the tender way his eyes had searched hers – and it left her longing for more.
As the fog of sleep started to pull her under, Bella was certain of three things:
One: She still had feelings for Edward.
Two: She was willing to give him another chance, but she needed to take it slow.
Three: Kissing Edward had stirred up a need deep inside her, something she definitely wanted to repeat.
With that firmly resolved in her head, she was able to get a good night's sleep for the first time since she'd arrived.
After leaving her message for Tanya, she packed up the few things she had used over the weekend and carried her purse and laptop bag into the dining room. She set her things down against the wall and made her way into the kitchen. She was itching for a cup of coffee, and from the smell of things, Edward already had a pot brewing.
The kitchen was full of light, and a black mug with a note underneath was sitting on the counter. Bella pulled the blue piece of paper out from under it and quickly scanned it.
Good morning, beautiful. I hope you slept well. I have to take care of some things out in the barn and then I'm going to take Sugar out for a quick ride. It's our routine. Help yourself to anything… and if you feel like making more waffles, well, you won't hear any complaints from me.
Edward
Bella couldn't help the easy grin that had formed on her face as she read his words. This was the second time he'd left her a note, and there was something really endearing about it. It was almost as if he wanted to make sure she continued to feel welcome in his home and reaffirm that she wasn't a burden to him.
She set the note down and filled her mug with steaming hot coffee, wondering what she should do while she waited. She didn't really want to fire up her laptop, knowing once she did she'd get sucked into doing work or answering email. She had enjoyed living in this temporary bubble of peace and quiet, and she wasn't quite ready to face the world of property assessments again.
After a few sips, enough to get her fully up and going, Bella pulled out the ingredients for a breakfast scramble and biscuits. She really didn't feel like waffles, and she knew Edward would enjoy it anyway.
Thirty minutes later, the oven was beeping and Bella had just finished her scramble. She pulled the golden biscuits out of the oven, cracked them open and added a little butter to each. She knew not everyone preferred this, but having lived with Edward, she knew he always buttered his biscuits right away so the buttery flavor could soak in. After loading up her plate, she refilled her coffee, and walked into the living room.
The room had slowly become her favorite. It was bright and sunny, and the view simply couldn't be beat. Bella could see the horses roaming freely in the fenced paddock and stared at the snow-capped mountains in the distance. Edward really did have it made out here. He was his own boss, had a beautiful home, and was surrounded by some of the most beautiful countryside Bella had ever seen. She thought about heading back to her own house later in the day. She had to admit that the idea of being in her own space, with her own clothes and toiletries, was really appealing to her. But she also knew how lonely it could be sometimes, and she wondered how it would feel after having been with Edward for the last few days. Would she be lonely? Would the house be too quiet?
She turned and sat in one of the large arm chairs and sipped her coffee. She thought about everything that had happened over the weekend and rolled her eyes at how many times she had tried to think through everything. She had always been one to overanalyze situations, but she still couldn't wrap her head around how crazy the whole situation was.
She thought about the realization she'd made the night before and wondered for the hundredth time if she really did need space and time to consider how she felt. The question of whether she was really willing to open her life up to him, to be vulnerable and trust he wouldn't hurt her again, slowly felt like a non-issue. Yes, she had doubts and fears and concerns, but they didn't seem to hold the same significance they had when she'd arrived earlier that weekend.
Edward had changed. He was attentive, so much more so than he used to be, and he'd gone out of his way to make sure she felt comfortable. He hadn't pushed her, and as she thought back on all the intense moments they'd had, she realized there was something under the surface. She knew there were things that needed to be said, but it was almost as if he was waiting for some cue from her. She wondered what he would say when the time finally came. Would he apologize for walking out on her all those years ago? Would he say it was all worth it? In some ways, she hoped he did… both, but she also didn't think he should bear the full brunt of fault either. Who they were back then was vastly different from who'd they become in the subsequent years. Who was to say they would have made it, even if he'd chosen differently?
She reached over and set her empty mug on the side table and noticed a stack of books tucked in the bookshelf, almost hidden from view behind a picture of Edward's family. Curious, she stood up and grabbed one. It was a photo album, clearly created by a woman. As she flipped through it, she smiled at all the pictures of Edward holding buckles and trophies and picture after picture of him riding. A series of pictures caught her eye, of Edward riding in a competition when he was still in high school. As she looked through them, she was reminded of the many, many times she'd sat in the stands and watched the way his body had been tossed about while the horse underneath him bucked wildly. It had always been an intensely sensual experience, watching the way his thighs tightly gripped the horse and his body moved as one with the bucking horse.
She swallowed thickly and moved on to another image; it was clearly from the National Finals. He was standing in the midst of the arena with a buckle held high above his head. He looked as sexy as ever in his tight jeans, a flashy pair of red and black chaps, slightly dusty black boots, and one of his signature black button-down shirts. His black hat was perched low on his head and he was beaming, his white teeth shining as people snapped pictures. There were photographers surrounding him, and Bella couldn't help but smile at his happiness. That was what she'd always wanted for him, and it was clear he had found it on the circuit, but she couldn't help but feel like she'd missed out on all of it. That old painful sadness of their breakup tugged at her, but she shoved it away and closed the book. He'd chosen what he wanted, and there was no point in wallowing in those memories.
She put the album back on top of the stack and picked up another one. It was full of family pictures, and Bella laughed at Edward's baby and childhood pictures; she'd had the pleasure of seeing many of these the last time she'd been here. Esme had broken it out, much to Edward's chagrin, and Bella had laughed and smiled at each one. He was an adorable little boy with that same crazy mess of hair and those gorgeous blue-grey eyes, and he looked as mischievous as always. After a few more pages, she closed it and moved on to the last one in the stack.
She picked it up and smiled in surprise when she saw a picture of him and Marcus, as well as several other pictures of him with members from the rodeo team. About halfway through the album, the tone of the pictures shifted. Every picture was of her, or at least had her in it. There was a picture of them out at one of the clubs, dancing some crazy line dance; one of them snuggled on the couch, her head resting against his chest and his arm draped across her hip; another where she was leaning back against him, laughing as he buried his nose in her neck, kissing and teasing her; but the one that stood out the most was one that showed them standing on a bridge, fingers tangled together and tucked in her back pocket. She remembered that day. They had been out with Rose and one of her crazy boyfriends and had stumbled upon an old foot bridge above a creek of rushing water. Edward had tugged her across, wanting see the water even though he could have seen it from the creek bank. When they got to the center, he'd grabbed her hand, twisted his fingers with hers, and tucked them in her back pocket. Bella could see the laughter in her face and chuckled at how much she used to hate that. They had joked about that endlessly – they'd called it the back pocket love grope.
"That was one of the happiest days of my life," Edward said quietly as he leaned against the wall beside the couch.
Bella's head jerked up, startled, and she slammed the book closed. "I'm sorry… I…"
"Don't be. Those are our memories and I'm glad you found them," Edward said sincerely, moving around to look at the album with her.
Bella immediately felt the warmth of his body press against her side and the smell of the outdoors waft into the air as he shrugged off his blue corduroy jacket and dropped it onto the ground. Edward pulled the album into his own hands and flipped it open, searching for the page he'd caught her looking at. Together, they looked at the pictures, each telling bits and pieces of their story. When they reached the last page, tears welled up in Bella's eyes. She blinked furiously, trying to keep them from falling, but to no avail. As she stared at the image on the page, all the feelings she'd been holding in and muddling through spilled out.
It was the last picture they'd taken together. They'd been walking across campus on one of the few free weekends Edward had been home when Bella's friend, Marissa, had asked to take their picture for her campus life portfolio. They'd agreed, and she'd taken a few quick photos of them walking, one where Edward was carrying Bella on his back, and a few of them sitting under a tree talking and laughing. A couple days later, Marissa had sent over a cute package of them all tied together. This one had been their favorite – Bella sitting between Edward's legs while he leaned against a tree. Her hair had been down that day, and Edward had his fingers tangled in it. Bella was staring up at him, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Edward looked at ease and so, so happy. They both did.
The resolve wavered and the confusion grew as she tried to understand how he could have walked away when the love between them was so clearly visible in this and every other picture in the album. It just didn't make sense. Bella's chest tightened, and it felt like she couldn't breathe. The tears she had been fighting won, and Edward watched as they slowly ran down her cheek.
He hated that their memories had made her cry, that seeing those pictures had triggered such an emotional response, and worst of all, that him leaving was the cause of all this pain – for both of them.
"Those were the best moments of my life, Bella," Edward said softly. "All of them… with you."
Bella froze. She knew she'd heard what he said, but she couldn't make sense of his words. How could they have been the best moments of his life… after everything he'd been through, after all he'd set out to achieve and win had actually happened? It just didn't make sense. She looked over at him and was overcome by what she saw on his face.
His grey-blue eyes were soft, and his face held so much sadness, regret. She could see how sincere he was. His jaw was set firmly, and his gaze bore into hers, reflecting a seriousness she rarely saw in him. She looked back at the picture and tried to process exactly what he'd said. "Those were the best moments of my life." They had been the best moments of her life… until Riley…
Riley.
She looked at her hand and saw the gold band on her ring finger. She hadn't thought about Riley much during the weekend, but when she had, it had always been with a twinge of guilt. It felt like she was betraying him. She knew it was irrational, but her heart couldn't seem to let go of him that easily. She felt on the verge of a major breakdown as every feeling and thought and memory collided against each other. She had to get out of there.
"But I don't understand, Edward. You… you chose to walk away."
"I didn't want to give you up, Bella. You were the one that made me choose. You were the one that issued the ultimatum. I wanted you both."
She stared at him incredulously. All the sadness, the tension, the hurt and anger, and the confusion from the weekend and the years that had passed welled up inside her.
"What are you talking about?" she spat, her eyes glinting with anger. "You were never there for me! You were always off on some ride. You had me, but you didn't act like you wanted me." Her head was shaking from side to side in confusion, and her hands were clenched by her side.
"That's not true, Bella. Did I spend a lot of time on riding and at tournaments? Yes, of course, but you act like you were the victim. We talked about that together; you were my biggest supporter, always by my side. Do you think I didn't recognize that? How many times did I tell you and show you how much it meant to have you by my side every step of the way? How many times did I tell you and show you how much I loved you… and still do?"
"This doesn't make sense! It was always about you! The one time I wanted you to do something for me, the one time I asked you to be there for me, you weren't. You chose the rodeo, not me!" Bella was seething, the anger and hurt from that day so intense, she felt like she'd been transported back to that day in their living room.
"Should I have chosen differently that day? Yes. And I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I see how much I fucked up, but that was one instance, Bella. One instance! I can't believe you are standing here questioning how I felt about you then when you know full well how you were the center of my universe. I'd give up all the success and fame to change what happened that day. But you have to accept and own the fact that you made the decision for us before I even gave you that answer!" Edward practically shouted, his voice raised and tight.
"What? You're blaming all of this on me? God, you are such an asshole! I can't believe you would even attempt to say that I made the decision for you. If you recall, you were the one that said you just 'had to do this. You had to see where it would take you, or you'd regret it for the rest of your life.' That sounds like a decision that YOU made, not me. You chose that day, Edward, and every time you chose the rodeo over me, over something I wanted to do with you, you put your own needs above my own. So, yes, I chose not to play second fiddle to something I couldn't begin to compete with."
They stood there, staring at each other, both of them breathing deeply, attempting to control the swirling tornado of emotions that had descended upon them and was threatening to destroy everything they'd shared over the weekend. As Edward stared into her murky brown eyes, his stomach churned at the way that day had left him feeling so inadequate and at a loss. He should have turned down that ride. He should have gone to that dance with her. There were a lot of things he should have done differently, but all the fault didn't lie with him.
"I chose that because I felt like I couldn't say anything else. If I had said I was going to the dance with you, it would have still been over. You had already made that decision for us, and you have to recognize your part in this, too. Could I have made different choices? Of course, but so could you."
Feeling completely overwhelmed, Bella calmly closed the book and handed it to him. Without a word, she walked to the front door, jammed her feet in a pair of his boots and walked outside. Once outside on the porch, she gulped down breaths of cool mountain air, desperately trying to calm the raging storm inside her. Bella's mind burned with questions and doubt. How had she gotten to that point? How could she have gone from enjoying her breakfast scramble and a trip down memory lane to arguing with Edward over what had happened nine years ago? How could he even think about pushing the blame on her? Even with all the air she was sucking into her lungs, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She thought back to that day, to the moment she knew he was going to go on that ride and how it had been a snap decision to force him to choose. She had hoped, for once, by throwing down the ultimatum that he would choose her. When he had chosen the rodeo, she had been stunned. Even now, she could remember the way the despair had slipped over her like a bag being pulled over her head. She'd felt like she was suffocating but unable to stop it.
Her mind went into overdrive as the haze of memories and emotions started to rain down over her. And what about the weekend they'd just shared? How was it possible that in three short days, Edward had reinstated himself in her life… without her permission… as if he'd never left? And what about everything she'd had with Riley? Would her being with Edward change what she'd had with Riley?
She had no idea her feet had moved, but by the time Bella made it to the barn, she was starting to panic. She wanted to feel the wind and cool air bite against her skin. She saw Sugar, still saddled, and without a thought, brushed her shaky fingers through her mane.
"Hey, girl," Bella said as soothingly as she could manage, her voice trembling and nervous, before climbing onto her back.
Sugar blew out a breath and shifted sideways as Bella got settled. It was almost as if she could sense Bella's unease. With another quick rub of her hand against Sugar's neck, she whispered, "I just need you to get me out of here."
Sugar acknowledged her just as Bella nudged her forward, and together they left the barn.
~*SD*~
Edward watched, horrorstruck, as Bella walked away from him, jammed her feet in his boots – an action significant but not enough to give him pause at that very moment – and walked outside. He immediately got up and walked over to the picture window that overlooked the porch and front yard. He saw her standing there, her hand on her hip as she wiped tears from her face, and all he could think was how much he needed her. He needed her like the air, and if she walked away, he knew he'd never get her back. He couldn't believe he'd pushed her like that. With every step away from him she took, he knew he had to go to her - even if she needed space - and beg for another chance. He knew all the stuff he'd chosen instead of her hadn't brought him the happiness he'd so eagerly chased after all those years. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he had put Bella second in most cases. He could try and attribute it to youthful foolishness, but that would be a lie. He was selfish. He wanted the fame and glory of being a champion. And while there was nothing like the thrill of a screaming crowd or a wild horse bucking underneath him, the rawness of being one with it, it was nothing compared to the love they'd had… love he hoped they could have again. They had to deal with this, figure out how to forgive each other for past hurts and decisions, and move on. She was everything to him, and having her with him over the past few days had solidified that fact for him.
He paced back and forth, running his fingers through his hair and tugging it mercilessly as he tried to figure out a plan for how he could make her see him – the real him – more clearly. He wasn't the selfish boy he'd been back then. He knew what it was like to live without her, to lose in the worst possible way, and he desperately wanted to prove himself to her. He wanted to make her see how important she was to him, to feel how much he needed her in his life.
The thundering sound of hooves against the ground pulled him out of his frenzied pacing and over to the window. Sugar galloped to the open field, Bella on her back, and without another thought, Edward knew it was do or die. He had to go after her.
Edward ran to the barn and grabbed Patton, a black stallion he'd just purchased, and quickly fitted him with a bridle. He looked at the saddle off to the side, but he didn't have time to waste. He practically threw himself onto the horse's back. He needed to get to Bella, and with a slightly vicious dig of his heels, Patton took off running.
~*SD*~
The cool air she'd enjoyed so much the day before clawed at her skin like a scratchy wool sweater. It was uncomfortable and annoying, but it reminded her of why she was even out. As she dug her knees into her side, Sugar raced forward while Bella clung tightly to the reins. With every pounding beat of Sugar's hooves, Bella felt her heart crack, bit by bit, until she found herself at the same stream they been at the day before, the same stream by which Edward had kissed her lovingly and told her how much he'd missed her.
None of it made sense, and yet it did. She climbed off Sugar and walked over to sit on the bank. Her head was abuzz with Edward's words. Had she really chosen for them? She knew how upset she'd been that day, almost as if she had expected him to come up with a reason not to go. Would it have mattered if he'd said he would go to the dance?
She pulled her knees into her chest, her feet planted firmly in the soft dirt of the bank. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on top of her knees and relived every minute of that conversation. She saw the heartache on his face when she issued the ultimatum, the way his eyes had dimmed in confusion and hurt, the way his body had stiffened at the unexpected resolution in her voice. She could even see herself, the way she had distanced herself, the way her shoulders had been squared, and her face a blank mask. Yes, she'd made a choice that day, but it was the only choice any self-respecting woman would have made. How could she have competed with the pure elation he felt every time he was on the back of that horse? She couldn't. And while her choice had put an end to their relationship, his choices up until that point had played a major part in her decision. She wouldn't apologize for wanting to be the priority in his life, but looking back, he was right. She should have talked to him about how she'd felt, and she could apologize for that.
But what about Riley? Did it change what they'd had? He had fixed the broken heart she'd carried around after Edward, made her feel like a new, better version of herself.
~*Eight Years Earlier*~
"Bella, baby, I know what he did to you. I know how he hurt you, but I will never do that. You are the most important thing in my life, and if I have to spend every day proving it because of what he did, I will," Riley said emphatically as he squeezed her hand.
Bella stared at him, feeling her heart ache in confusion and soar with a love she'd never experienced. He was not Edward. He was Riley, and he was perfect – kind and handsome, gentle and considerate. He put her needs and wants above his own. He'd always done that. He made her feel loved and cherished, like she was everything to him, a feeling that was new but welcome.
Feeling blissfully overwhelmed, she blinked back tears, knowing if he said another word she would cry, and squeezed his hand in return.
"I love you, Riley," Bella whispered, barely able to get the words out before she leaned forward and kissed him.
It was slow and tender but carried a hunger they were both desperate to feed.
"I love you, too, baby," he murmured against her lips. That was the first night they made love, and the day she realized he was everything she needed.
A wave of nausea flooded through her, and she scrambled to the edge of the stream and heaved the contents of her breakfast, bits of pain and bile into the water. She missed him. God, did she miss him. She sat there reliving their six years together in her head, hunched over the bank, dirt and sticks digging into her palms, until she was sure nothing else was going to come up.
Eventually, she curled back into herself, her knees to her chest, and stared out at the mountains that had been a source of peace and happiness for her over the last few days. Her fingers linked together, and she felt the hard metal of her wedding ring press into her skin. She stared down at it, her fingers twisting and sliding it over her knuckle. Riley had loved her, so deeply, and he had made her feel complete. She missed his smile, his laugh, his eyes, the way he knew her body in all the right and wrong ways. She thought back to one of the many conversations they'd had on their couch, glasses of wine in hand, and how he had told her that he always wanted her to be happy.
~*Six Years Earlier*~
"You know I want you to be happy, always, baby," Riley said seriously.
"Well come over here, Ri, and make me happy," Bella smirked, knowing he'd pick up on her mood by her suggestive tone.
He laughed and set his glass of wine on the table before doing the same with hers. He reached for her, pulling her onto his lap and kissing her, his tongue teasing and his lips nipping playfully.
"Oh, we'll get to that," he breathed against her ear, "but I want to tell you something first."
Bella looked at him, her face flushed, her lips pink and swollen, and her eyes dark and needy. "Mhmmm," she hummed as she placed her own kisses against his scratchy jaw.
He pulled back to stare at her, waiting until she met his eyes.
"What is it, Ri? You're so serious all of a sudden." Bella's brow furrowed, and Riley, not wanting to worry her or to see those little creases form, brushed his thumb across her forehead to smooth them out.
"I just love you so much, baby. I've been thinking about it all day, and I wanted to make sure you knew it."
Any fear or concern Bella might have had at the tone of his voice melted away instantly. She smiled brightly and touched her lips to his again.
"I love you. And yes, I do know you love me… always."
"Good," he said with a warm, adoring smile. "Now, let's get back to me making you happy," he said waggling his eyebrows.
She smiled at the memory and remembered how they'd spent the rest of the night making slow, passionate love. As she sat there, she knew Riley had meant every word, and he'd shown her every day how special and loved she really was.
He had always wanted her to be happy. He had put her happiness even before his own, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would want her to be happy even though he was gone. Did that mean even with Edward? He knew what Edward had done to her, but in light of the realizations she'd made, she knew Riley would want her to do what made her feel happy and whole and full. He would want her to love again, to fight for second chances.
Was that what this was? Did she love Edward? It was certainly different than what she'd felt for Riley and different even from what she'd felt for Edward back then, but she couldn't deny how he made her body shiver just by looking at her or the way her heart clenched with every smile. He knew her. He hadn't pushed; he'd waited until she was ready and then said what needed to be said.
Feeling stiff, she stood up and took a deep breath. She looked around, loving the slice of heaven she'd found at the ranch, and she realized what was really bothering her. Would Edward put her second again? He'd spent the last three years pouring himself into fixing up the ranch. Would it come first, be the new "rodeo" in his life? Could she trust him with her heart again?
Sugar stood staring at her with her large brown eyes and Bella walked over to her, pressing her face into the warm, coarse hair beside the saddle.
"I don't know what to do, Sugar," Bella murmured.
Sugar whinnied softly and shifted slowly. Bella pulled back and watched as she nuzzled her nose against Bella's shoulder. She was warm and strong, and somehow Bella knew Edward was serious. Deep inside, she knew he'd always loved her, and the last few days had shown her how different he really was. She looked down at her hands and the ring that was still wrapped around her finger. She knew if she was going to give Edward a chance… if she was going to really open herself up to a new relationship, it meant she had to say goodbye to Riley. Her heart cracked again, but she knew it wasn't goodbye. What they'd shared was special, her own personal treasure, and had made her who she was. She ran her thumb and fingers across the smooth metal and slowly pulled it off.
Tears streamed down her face as she tucked the ring into her pocket until she could put it away for good.
Sugar nudged her in an attempt, it seemed, to comfort her as the tears continued to fall. The subtle movement and warmth was tender and intimate, and even though things weren't perfectly clear, she knew she needed to give Edward a chance.
Feeling raw and exposed, Bella wrapped her hand around Sugar's neck and leaned her head against her neck. "Thank you," she whispered.
~*SD*~
::Hides in the barn:: Don't hate. Only love.
