Author's Note: What happened to the last month? It seems like I just posted my last chapter a week ago, but time has been going very quickly as it has a tendency to do this time of year. But you shouldn't complain about the delay because I think this might be the longest chapter yet. ;)
"Have you seen Raziel?"
Vorador reluctantly tore his attention away from his book. "I've been trying rather hard to ignore him at every opportunity, so I couldn't really say."
Frowning, Janos wandered farther into the room, fingertips tracing lightly over the spines of books in a nearby bookcase. "I can't find him anywhere."
"Ah. I thought it was pleasantly quiet in the house this morning."
Pursing his lips and staring at the shelves of books without really looking at them, Janos crossed his arms over his chest. "I should go look for him."
"Why?" Vorador grumbled, tossing his book on a table. "He's old enough to know how to take care of himself and he doesn't need you tending to him every moment of the day. In fact, if he has left, that's probably exactly why. He was tired of being coddled."
Janos shook his head, worry shadowing his features. "I don't think so. But, you have touched on the very reason I'm concerned, Vorador. He may be capable of looking after himself, but I fear that he won't."
Vorador scrubbed at his face, his emotions torn between confusion and exasperation. "Janos..."
"I fear that Raziel is a danger to himself in his current state," Janos said gravely, wringing his hands. "And whatever is wrong with him, it seems that Kain is at the root of the problem."
"Which one?" Vorador asked wryly.
Wings twitching with annoyance, Janos gestured broadly at the library around them. "Kain beat him to within a thread of his life, Vorador. You saw for yourself the state Kain left him in before flitting off across Nosgoth to do god knows what."
Vorador shook his head and stood up. "Raziel is no saint—no more than Kain is a devil. And I can guarantee you that Kain would not have left if he thought Raziel's life was truly in danger."
"Do you think Kain had nothing to do with Raziel's current state of mind, then?" Janos raised an eyebrow.
Patting him fondly on the shoulder, Vorador smirked. "You have such a soft place in your heart for that little brat. Perhaps it is the heart in your chest that is your undoing on that score considering it was in Kain's body when he first raised Raziel."
"Perhaps," Janos said with a frown.
"Regardless, I would conjecture that Raziel's state at the end of that conflict had as much to do with his own fatalism as it did with Kain's cruelty. Raziel has not been quite right since we cut him loose from that sword, and while he has been doing a better job of acting lately, I think his morbid fascination with death runs more deeply than any of us can reach."
"Then, you see it as well," Janos sighed.
"I wasn't going to tell you this," Vorador said quietly, pressing his lips together as he leaned back against a bookcase, "but he tried to kill himself."
Janos' expression clenched with dismay. "What?"
"It was a few days after we brought him back, and I happened to walk in on him before he could finish the act. I managed to convince him to think better of it, but I don't imagine that his inclination toward suicide has disappeared entirely."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Janos asked, his brows furrowed and his expression pinched with hurt at Vorador's omission.
While causing Janos pain in any way was anathema to him, Vorador knew that he had been withholding the truth for Janos' own good in this case. Cocking his head, he countered, "Why do you think?"
Janos shook his head with an air of panic. "I have to find him."
"Find who?" They both turned at the sound of Kain's voice. He was standing halfway through the door to the terrace, poised between entering and leaving as if he expected his visit to be shortlived.
"Your fool child," Vorador snapped.
Kain sighed, and pressed his knuckles against a temple. "I had rather hoped that you two would be able to keep an eye on him while I was away."
"Oh, really?" His anger stirring, Vorador turned to face Kain. "Remind me exactly when your fledgling became our responsibility. I don't recall you asking that we keep an eye on him before you disappeared and left him half-broken in our laps. I also don't recall you apologizing for the mess you left behind, or the furniture you broke, or the bloodstains on the carpet, or—"
Janos stepped in front of him. He thought initially that he had stepped between them to prevent Vorador from lunging at Kain, but he recanted his conclusion when he saw the fury in Janos' posture. "I fear that he is in danger."
Kain's eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on the door. "How so?"
"If you weren't so concerned with the way his actions inconvenienced you, then perhaps you would have noticed the danger on your own," Janos spat, his wings flaring with his anger and forcing Vorador to leap out of the way to avoid them.
Releasing the door and shifting into a defensive stance, Kain said warily, "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Think beyond your own concerns for a moment, Kain. Try to see through his eyes."
"Attempting to see anything through Raziel's eyes is to tempt madness," Kain retorted. "His logic is far too convoluted for me to comprehend."
"And yet you claim to know him well." Janos' eyes lit with more passion than Vorador had seen on his usually docile features in centuries. "I thought your cruel treatment of him was a twisted form of love, but now I wonder about your real motivation. Do you tear him down merely to build yourself up? Do you even care for him at all, or was I mistaken about that as well?"
"How dare you ask me that question?" Kain demanded, his tone dark and dangerous.
"How could I not after everything you've done to him? You cast him away on a jealous whim, took advantage of his sacrifice and then consented to restore him only to mistreat him at every turn!"
Kain's jaw clenched and anger ignited in his eyes. "Don't imagine that you understand my reasons. You know nothing of them."
"Then try to justify yourself."
Watching as Janos stalked closer to Kain, Vorador realized that his library was likely to suffer another disaster before this conversation was over, but it might almost be worth the destruction just to watch Janos attempt to tear Kain's stubborn pride down to a more appropriate size. He didn't even attempt to interrupt or prevent the conflict he saw coming. Instead, he settled back against a bookcase to watch. It was rare that he had the opportunity to watch Janos in action and he intended to enjoy it.
Raziel had escaped the mansion at the first possible opportunity, choosing a destination that he hoped would be relatively isolated. Janos' suffocating worry and Vorador's obvious dearth of patience for unwelcome houseguests had combined to make the atmosphere in the house unbearably stifling. Raziel had spent several days since Kain's disappearance resting or hiding from the other occupants of the house, but he was unable to stand the silent hostility any longer. His body had recovered completely from his fight with Kain, but his spirits had not, and he desperately needed space.
While he had never entirely shaken his longing for the peace he had found within the Reaver, he had been starting to feel more attached to his body and his new life. But his confrontation with Kain had unraveled most of the progress he had made with a swiftness that made him doubt the reality of that progress entirely. Perhaps he had merely been trying to convince himself that he had improved for Janos' sake while ignoring his true feelings out of guilt. Regardless, quarreling with Kain had reminded him of all the ways in which he was weary of his life—all the reasons why it would have been easier for him and everyone else if they had simply left him alone.
Traveling to the only location he could think of that was likely to be deserted and not likely to be a place anyone would look for him, he made his way to the crumbling remains of the Sarafan stronghold. Very little of the structure was still standing, but he remembered enough of its layout to recognize the fragments of walls and columns for the rooms they had once been. He found the ruin to be ironically comforting, as close a place as he could find in this era to home.
Finding a seat on a block of stone next to the weatherworn statue that had once been a representation of him; he was surprised to find the marble sculpture to be relatively whole, though the nose and one of the arms had crumbled away long ago. The murals depicting the other Sarafan saints had not fared as well, scattered around the circular courtyard in chunks of painted stone. He found Rahab's eye staring at him from a pile of stone next to his feet, and a shock of red hair that he identified as Zephon's peeked over a slab of marble on his right.
His thoughts quickly turning dark as he soaked in the solitude, he wondered how long he would have to starve before his body returned to the corpse it should have been. How long could he hide before someone thought to look for him and coax him back into the land of the living? He could find a body of water in which to drown himself, but he was reluctant to commit suicide in that fashion after the suffering he had endured in the Lake of the Dead. He didn't want to risk a repetition of that horror, and being forced to live as a glorified collection of muscle and bone was worse than simply being forced to live. Fire wasn't likely to work either, and impaling himself would be difficult unless he found a cliff with suitably sharp rocks beneath it.
No, while starving himself would be a painfully slow process, it was still the more appealing option. He simply had to avoid everyone else until nature could run its course—an ironic thought since there was little natural about his vampiric unlife to begin with.
Closing his eyes, he listened to the distant echoes of rock falling and settled in to wait. Thunder rumbled in the distance and he welcomed the sound, knowing his death would come more quickly if he were exposed to rain. The wind picked up and buffeted his hair, but he had to wait a long time before he felt the first sting of rain against his skin. Another crack of thunder echoed across the nearby valley—closer this time—and Raziel smiled as the heavens opened and heavy raindrops spattered against the broken flagstones.
The storm was loud enough that he didn't hear the footsteps until they were nearly upon him. His eyes snapped open when he heard boots crunching against the gravel in a pounding rhythm before stopping short on the other side of the courtyard. He was not entirely surprised to find that the person interrupting his intended suicide was Kain, though he was startled to find a relatively young face staring back at him.
"Raziel?" Kain shouted over the rain, his features a ghastly shade of white as they lit brilliantly in a flash of lightning. "The storm is worsening. We need to find shelter quickly."
Raziel pushed strands of wet hair out of his face and looked up at the ruined husk of the Sarafan stronghold stretching fractured fingers toward the weeping sky above. "This is about as sheltered as it gets," he commented.
Kain shook his head and stalked toward Raziel, dragging him to his feet with a firm grip on his arm and pulling Raziel along behind him as he blindly made his way through the collapsing building. Dread gathered in Raziel's gut as he noticed what direction they were headed and realized suddenly where they could find decent shelter nearby.
Frustrated, Kain glared at the shattered walls around them as they came to the edge of the stronghold without finding a safe haven from the rain. Raziel was aching steadily now, his skin burnt raw from the rain, and he could see that Kain's skin was faring no better. While he had no concern for his own health at the moment, he didn't dare to speculate what kind of havoc he would wreak with Nosgoth's future if he allowed Kain to die here and now. Kain was shielding them as best as he could with magic, but he was bound to run out of energy eventually.
Resigning himself to the situation, Raziel tugged on Kain's arm and began leading the way to the nearby cliffs. Kain raised an eyebrow, but followed him as they skirted the cliffs and sheltered periodically beneath rocky overhangs to catch their breath. The storm confused Raziel's senses, but they eventually found his unlikely destination and the sanctuary it provided, though Raziel couldn't decide if the discovery were a blessing or a curse.
Irony choking his throat, Raziel helped Kain push the stone aside from the entrance and slipped into the stale interior of the mausoleum, the deathly quiet interrupted only by the echoes of the torrent falling outside. Raziel's eyes slowly adjusted to the dim lighting, and he leaned back against the wall with a sense of awful anticipation compressing his chest, the knowledge and significance of exactly where they were weighing on him painfully.
"What luck that I found you in that crumbling edifice," Kain said quietly, no longer needing to shout over the noise of the rain. His pale skin and hair was easy to find in the darkness, and his golden eyes nearly glowed as they studied Raziel from the other side of the room. "Though I have been across Nosgoth several times over, I have never noticed this place hidden in the cliffs." He paused, shifting his head as he considered something. "But if you knew about it, why were you sitting out in the rain?"
Raziel shook his head, shivering as damp air gusted inside. "I like thunderstorms," he replied blandly.
"Surely you realize the danger water poses to your health."
"Yes," Raziel agreed, rubbing at a patch of healing skin on his arm. "I know."
Kain scoffed. "Such an obvious lack of self-regard. You never cease to intrigue me."
Closing his eyes and turning away from Kain's probing gaze, Raziel sighed and slid down the wall to the floor.
"I knew I was bound to run into you sooner or later." Kain's boots scraped against the floor as he approached and sat down beside him. "I wasn't sure what had happened when I came to in that cabin and found you gone. That human took me entirely by surprise, but I suspect that his appearance was not entirely unwelcome to you. Did you summon him, perhaps?"
Feeling drained by his body's efforts to heal itself, Raziel murmured, "If I were to summon a creature to my aid, I would not choose a human—or at least not one such as that." Kain's body heat was a pleasant warmth at Raziel's side, and he found himself leaning instinctively toward it.
"Even so, the timing was quite extraordinary."
"And the human knew exactly how to strike to catch you off guard," Raziel agreed wryly.
"Yes." Kain regarded him inquisitively for several moments before continuing, "Regardless, the human was dead when I awoke and you were nowhere to be seen. I found it odd that you failed to feed from him if you did manage to defeat him, though."
"How else could I have escaped if I had not defeated him?"
"Teleportation, perhaps? Though you are rather young to have developed such a skill."
Raziel sighed. "Your theories are fascinating, but you're over thinking the situation. The human collapsed after attacking you and I know nothing more about that than you do. I was not hungry, so I left without feeding."
"Your explanation seems convenient, but not terribly likely."
"I have nothing more to give you," Raziel said shortly, pulling his knees up to this chest with a huff of frustration. He could feel Kain watching him closely, but he refused to meet his gaze, feeling more and more irritated with his foolish decision to lead Kain to safety. Though he wanted to believe he had thought things through sufficiently, Raziel couldn't seem remember why he had thought that it would be a good idea to bring him to the one place he had been hoping this Kain would not find. If there had been any hope of Kain allowing his brothers to remain untouched, he had diminished it greatly by leading him directly to their final resting place.
"Why did you leave?" Kain asked quietly, brushing damp hair away from Raziel's face so that he could see his expression. "Before that human interrupted us, I thought we were finally managing to get along quite well." His fingers followed the line of Raziel's jaw to the nape of his neck, caressing the sensitive skin ever so lightly and sending a shiver racing down Raziel's spine.
Shifting his shoulders in discomfort, Raziel tried to breathe past the catch in his throat. "Stop," he ordered, glaring at Kain.
"Why? I can tell you want this." Kain leaned toward him, but Raziel scooted out of reach before his lips could make contact.
"You're mistaken. I let you kiss me before because I thought I could take advantage of your distraction. As it turned out, I didn't need to. That's all."
Still sitting at an angle and precariously off balance, Kain considered Raziel's explanation with a frown, but did not endeavor to argue the point any further. Raziel couldn't quite interpret Kain's motivation in attempting to seduce him; as far as he could tell, seducing him would have no practical benefits other than a superficial sense of power or the immediacy of pleasure. And while this Kain was young and perhaps impulsive, the Kain he knew had always been extraordinarily good at delaying gratification. He had always made decisions based on a greater purpose and avoided unnecessary actions whenever possible, but as far as Raziel could tell, this Kain's interest in him was not only gratuitous but also did nothing to get him closer to his end goals.
Eager to change the topic before things became even more awkward, Raziel said, "You interrogated me about my reasons for being out in the rain, but you still haven't shared your own excuse."
"I was on my way to the pillars when I got caught by the storm," Kain answered with a wry smile, finally settling back against the wall again. "I've heard rumors lately that the other guardians have turned against me. I hadn't expected them to have the nerve to challenge me, but it seems that I underestimated their gall. Somehow they have guessed at my intentions, and they plan to murder me before I can destroy them."
Raziel's stomach churned with unease. "How did they figure out what you were planning?" he asked, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.
"I don't know, but I intend to find out. They are so obtuse that I have a hard time believing they came to the conclusion on their own, but I can't imagine how else they would have learned of my plans...can you?"
The hard edge of danger in Kain's voice instantly raised Raziel's blood pressure. He could almost guarantee that the elder Kain had played a hand in this development, but if this Kain suspected him of treason, he couldn't exactly cast the blame on Kain's future self. Considering his options, Raziel wondered if having Kain believe that he had betrayed him would be such a terrible thing. Kain did not suffer traitors to live, and the possibility of dying by the Reaver was not exactly a deterrent for him.
"You think I told them."
"Did you?"
Raziel smiled slowly, his decision made. "It wasn't difficult to convince them. All it took was the merest suggestion of your intentions to start them strategizing your downfall."
"I don't understand you." Kain sighed. "I offered you the world and you refused. If you didn't want it, why are you trying to take it away from me now?"
"Because you don't deserve it."
Shaking his head, Kain said, "I barely know you, but this...this feels personal. Why is that?"
Raziel swallowed his response, not trusting himself to supply a half truth that wouldn't eventually lead to the whole truth before Kain was done with him.
"Is this about revenge? Who are you really? Are you the next of kin of one of the guardians I murdered? A relation of someone I maimed in my quest to restore Nosgoth?"
"It's nothing like that..."
"Then, what is it?"
"You...remind me of someone I know," Raziel bit out finally.
"Your teacher? The one you spoke of before? Or perhaps this mystery sire you are so reluctant to reveal?"
A small smile curved Raziel's lips. "He is both."
Kain nodded. "I wondered." Pursing his lips, he continued, "But whoever he is, he must have been cruel to you to have evoked so much hatred in such a short time."
"I'm older than you think."
"Of course you are."
"Why do you want a reason?" Raziel looked at Kain wearily. "What difference does it make why I betrayed you? You can't possibly still want me as your lieutenant now that you know I can't be trusted. So why haven't you killed me yet? From what I know of your history, mercy is not one of your trademarks."
Kain raised an eyebrow. "Because you want to die. Why would I give you something you want?"
Too shocked to speak, Raziel knew that he should be grateful that, of all the dangerous things Kain could have inferred from his deceptions, he had ultimately recognized something so unimportant.
"Am I wrong?"
Struggling to swallow past the thickness in his throat, Raziel shook his head numbly.
"As I said before," Kain said carefully, leaning toward Raziel but not closing the distance between them entirely, "you intrigue me."
"Why? Because you can't possibly imagine what it feels like to wish for death?"
"That is one of the reasons," Kain admitted with a soft laugh, "but it is not the only one. I told you that I feel a connection to you that I cannot explain. I don't understand it, but I feel as if I know you, as if I owe you a debt for something I cannot remember."
Reminded suddenly of his forgotten suspicion that Kain might have recognized his spirit from its presence within the Reaver, Raziel found himself immediately looking at the hilt of the blade where it rested against the wall.
Kain followed his gaze with a frown. "You..."
"I know the sword," Raziel murmured, deciding that this admission was better than most of the truths he could reveal to Kain in order to appease him. Sharing his connection to the Reaver in a limited context also provided a possible opportunity. "I know the sword," he repeated more firmly, "intimately."
Kain waited silently for him to continue, his expression intent on Raziel's every word as he continued, "You said that the sword healed you—removed the madness Nupraptor had passed along to you with your birth—and that it healed the pillars. It was different at that time, wasn't it? More powerful...infused with energy."
"It was," Kain agreed. "But that aura of energy faded after the pillars were restored—not immediately, but some time after. I sensed the change when it happened. How did you know about that?"
Raziel hesitated, doubting the wisdom of his decision at the final moment, but deciding to proceed anyway. "I was inside the sword. My soul...was bound within it. When the sword changed...that was when I escaped. So, I did not lie to you when I said that I am barely more than two months raised. I have been free from the sword for that much time, but I have been alive—or at least aware—for much longer."
Stunned by the revelation, Kain shook his head. "Given a hundred years to think of an explanation, I don't think I could have ever come up with that. And yet, it makes a certain sort of sense."
"I belong inside the Reaver," Raziel said with resolve. "And you are the only person who has a chance of returning me."
"That's why you wanted me to kill you," Kain said in comprehension.
"Yes." Biting his lower lip, Raziel gazed into Kain's eyes imploringly. "It would be to your advantage as well. The blade is more powerful when it is fueled by a soul. You were right before. I would be a potent weapon to have at your side—though not in the way you had imagined."
"You make an interesting proposition." Lifting the Reaver, Kain studied the blade thoughtfully. "But I wonder...what made you change your mind?'
"Change my mind?" Raziel repeated in confusion.
"Yes. You escaped from the blade. Why do you want to go back now?"
"I...didn't really ask for freedom," Raziel replied reluctantly. "My sire...he summoned me back."
"He must have missed you," Kain concluded.
Raziel shook his head. "I don't know why he did it. Out of guilt perhaps. He was partially to blame for me ending up inside the Reaver in the first place. I believe he thought he was making amends."
"Putting you back inside the sword would make him my enemy, wouldn't it?" Kain asked with a stilted smile.
"Perhaps, but you're safe from him. He wouldn't lay a finger on you." Seeing the surprise on Kain's face, he quickly added, "He is vulnerable to the Soul Reaver and too attached to his own life to put it at risk by rescuing me again."
"I don't know," Kain said, lips tugging downward in a frown. "Something about this feels wrong...like it would be a mistake."
"That is a wise conclusion."
Breath hissing out between his teeth, Raziel's gaze snapped to the entrance of the crypt and the familiar silhouette outlined against a flash of lightning. He had to bite his tongue to prevent the immediate reaction that threatened to fly from his lips.
Taking a step inside the chamber, the figure tilted his head at Raziel. "What an interesting choice of locale, Raziel," he observed with obvious amusement. "Your ability to undermine yourself at every turn is truly astounding."
"You must be Raziel's sire," Kain surmised, rising to his feet with the Reaver balanced easily in his hand. "He has some fascinating things to say about you."
"I have no doubt."
Before things could progress any further, Raziel stood up swiftly and stepped between them. "What are you doing?" he hissed at the figure still obscured against the brilliance of intermittent lightning. "You know you shouldn't be here!"
"And neither should you." Taking a step closer, he grasped Raziel's arm just above the elbow and yanked him closer, his grip fierce enough to make Raziel grimace. "I'm here to save you from yourself," he murmured. Then, raising his voice, he said to his younger self, "Take a good look around, Kain. I think you'll make some interesting discoveries in this tomb. I had hoped that you wouldn't have a reason to ever miss Raziel, though I realize that is likely inevitable now. The fact remains that you can't have him."
Raziel struggled to break free, but Kain caught him around the waist when he tried to twist out of reach and pinned him back against his body. While Raziel could do little else but watch because of the strength of Kain's grip, the angle afforded him a good view of young Kain's reaction. He seemed too stunned to move, and Raziel suspected from the expression on his face that he was experiencing the dizzying temporal shifts associated with an impending paradox. Since Raziel and the elder Kain were both free from the timestream, they could no longer feel the danger of the moment, but that did not make it any less real, a fact which Raziel could clearly see reflected in Kain's eyes.
"I know that saying you can't have something is only likely to make you more obsessed with obtaining it," Kain continued despite his younger self's obvious distraction, "but I think you'll find that you have more than enough options before you to fill the void. As for the Reaver, it will never again be what it once was. Even if you attempt to trap Raziel within it, the sword is no longer able to contain him. I have made certain of that."
Raziel wondered how much of that statement was for his benefit, and whether it held any truth or was said merely for effect. He was inclined to doubt it because he couldn't imagine how Kain could have accomplished such a feat—or why he would bother to do so.
"How did you know my name?" Young Kain managed to say finally, overcoming his dismay and sense of dislocation long enough to ask the question.
Raziel was pressed so closely against Kain that he could feel his ironic chuckle before he heard it. "You have far more important things to worry about at the moment. Do you know where we are—the significance of this place?"
"Should I?"
"You are standing in the tomb of the Sarafan saints. Take a look at the grave behind you."
Still too shell-shocked to protest, Kain obeyed silently and gasped when a flash of lightning illuminated the name carved into the wall. Raziel watched his reaction helplessly, grateful for the woozy sense of dislocation as the elder Kain teleported them out of the tomb.
The storm showed no sign of abating, and Kain wished that he had had a better recollection of the nearest cave's location so that they could have avoided their unpleasant jaunt through the rain-slicked wilderness entirely. Raziel was flushed with burns by the time he found the cave he was looking for and tossed him at the base of the Ancients' Fountain.
"Drink," Kain ordered, indicating the fountain. "It will speed your recovery."
Trying to catch his breath past wracking coughs, Raziel glared up at him and leaned back against the fountain, crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly. Kain was tempted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and dunk his head into the pool until he was forced to drink, but he still had just enough patience left to restrain himself.
The fountain emitted enough of a dull glow to illuminate the chamber to some degreee without the need for the occasional flashes of light from the storm outside, and Kain could clearly see Raziel's expression shift as he studied him."You look terrible," Raziel said finally with disinterested disdain, seemingly noticing for the first time that Kain was covered in cuts and bruises. He seemed reluctant to ask how Kain had managed to end up in such a state, which was good since Kain had no desire to explain what had happened either. Kain imagined the wounds were just punishment for his ever having the gall to wonder what Janos would be like when truly angered; Janos had earned his title justly as the greatest vampire that had ever existed, and Kain would never again underestimate his battle prowess because of his serene nature.
Taking a deep breath, Kain leaned back against the wall behind him gingerly, cautious of the healing gash across his shoulder. Now that they were alone, he found that he didn't know what to say. Rage tightened his chest painfully, and he feared that if he began speaking he would only end up yelling needlessly at Raziel—needlessly, because Raziel never listened when he yelled.
"Before you ask," Raziel said when he failed to speak, "I was trying to avoid him. He happened across me by pure coincidence."
"I don't care, Raziel."
Caught off guard by the blunt response, Raziel shifted uncomfortably against the fountain and looked away. "How did you find me this time?"
"I always know how to find you."
Making a soft noise of frustration, Raziel asked, "Why were you looking?"
"I don't care for this fatalistic streak you've developed," Kain said coldly, knowing and not caring that his statement was not exactly an answer. "First Vorador's claim that you tried to commit suicide and now this little episode. I thought your life meant something to you when you abandoned it to join with the Reaver. Was I wrong?"
Raziel shook his head, smiling sadly. "I was wondering when Vorador would tell you about that. Frankly, I am surprised he didn't tell you sooner. Maybe he knew that telling you was ultimately worthless. You don't care that I want to die. You only care that you didn't know about it—that you were out of the loop. Sorry for not keeping you up to date on my level of interest in living, Kain, but if you don't bother to notice it on your own then you've rather missed the point."
Raziel's biting sarcasm was painfully effective, and Kain found himself momentarily bereft of a response.
"I don't expect you to understand, regardless," Raziel added with a scowl. "I imagine that 'suicide' isn't in the vocabulary of someone who refused his own death even when the fate of the world was at stake."
"You know there was more to that decision than petty self preservation," Kain reminded him. "And you couldn't be more wrong about me. Despite what you might think, I know what it's like to consider death as a worthy alternative to the endless suffering of living."
That got Raziel's attention, though his expression was wary.
"I waited hundreds of years for your return, Raziel, with nothing to rely on but a transient hope that you would indeed come back as I had foreseen. Those were long, arduous years, filled with boredom and solitude, and the grief of watching everything I had created fall apart and decay. That was not the first time I had encountered despair, but it was the first time I wondered if I was capable of enduring it."
"What a tragedy," Raziel retorted, jumping to his feet. "While you were languishing in the horrors of ennui, I was burning alive at the pit of the hell to which you had condemned me."
Regarding him blandly, Kain snapped, "I thought your ire on that particular discretion had cooled, Raziel. It seems that you can still manage to rouse the interest to be indignant about it when doing so is convenient."
Raziel scoffed and turned away. "You just stole from me the best hope I've had for peace in months. I'm not in the mood to be forgiving."
Unable to restrain his temper any longer, Kain snarled, "If death is what you truly desire, I won't deny you. Ask me, and I will deliver it."
Raziel laughed—a broken sort of laugh that made Kain's chest ache where his heart should have been. His expression twisting with bitterness, Raziel visibly weighed his sincerity before saying, "If I'd thought you would be so accommodating, I would have asked you before."
"I believe you did," Kain noted wryly, suddenly considering the way their last fight had ended in a new light. "And I misunderstood you."
"Yes," Raziel agreed. "You mistakenly assumed that my plea had something to do with you. It didn't."
Kain's mind was racing, trying to find a way out of the corner he was quickly realizing he had talked himself into, but he had no idea how to undo the words he had said to make a point but now understood were an offer.
As if sensing his desperation, Raziel took a step toward him and lifted a hand to Kain's shoulder in what appeared to be a comforting gesture. "That was your mistake from the beginning. Assuming." His grip tightened painfully on Kain's wounded shoulder. "You assumed I wanted to be free. You assumed I would want to come back. But I have no interest in your charity—or in living simply to appease your guilt over the life you took from me."
Raziel looked away, his hand falling to his side. "I made an effort to adjust. I really did. I tried to forget the blissful oblivion I had found within the Reaver, but I couldn't. I can't. It was always my fate to end up there, and I was never meant to leave."
"I changed your fate once," Kain murmured.
"That was different. I wanted to be saved then."
Kain felt his face contort with pain and he knew that he was giving away far more than he intended. He could not lose Raziel in this manner; casting him away for a greater cause had been bearable only because he had always known that someday he would see him again. But this was finite. There would be no return from this outcome if he gave Raziel the death he desired.
Overcome with emotion and regret, Kain gambled with the last card he could play, leaning forward and claiming Raziel's lips before his troublesome child could protest. Raziel was too shocked to react, and Kain took advantage of Raziel's malleable impassivity to demonstrate his feelings without speaking them. He barely enjoyed the kiss—it was too bittersweet and fraught with sorrow—and he pulled back abruptly before he could be tempted to take things further than was wise.
Swallowing his passion with some difficulty, Kain held Raziel's uncertain gaze urgently. "I need you," he whispered, hating the words the moment they left his lips, but knowing they were the only hope he had left of changing Raziel's mind.
Raziel's mouth opened and closed silently, and Kain paused to appreciate how rare an occasion it was to find him speechless. But at the moment, he needed Raziel to speak. He needed an answer. Raziel's contrary nature was predictable only in its unpredictability; when pushed one direction, he was bound to go in the opposite. But he could not tell what direction Raziel was leaning at the moment, or whether his admission would come across as an appeal or a demand.
"You don't need me," Raziel protested faintly. "Not anymore."
"Yes. I do," Kain retorted, pulling Raziel into a desperate embrace and comforted by the fact that Raziel did not struggle. On the contrary, he melted against him. "I was so angry when you gave yourself up to that sword," Kain murmured into Raziel's hair, feeling as if he were laying himself bare, exposing all of his closely guarded weaknesses in one fell swoop. "I was furious that you had not given me the chance to save you again, but I chose to respect your sacrifice at the time because I knew my work was not done and your sacrifice had provided the means I needed to finish it. I had always hoped that someday I would get the chance to make it up to you. But this...losing you now...would be intolerable."
Slowly releasing him and taking a step back, Kain tried to gather the fragments of his pride. "I know that this isn't about me, and that the decision is still yours to make. But you deserve to know the truth. That's the least I can do for you after everything I've put you through."
Kain took a deep breath and turned away, noticing that the downpour outside had subsided at last into a gentle drizzle. "All I ask is that you take time to reconsider your decision. If you have not changed your mind by tomorrow, I will fulfill my vow and end your life. I will do whatever I can to make it as painless as possible."
Deciding that he had done as much as he could, Kain left Raziel alone with his thoughts and walked out into the night without looking back.
Author's note: This chapter gave me some difficulty because I knew where I wanted it to go, but I was having a hard time making it believable. Hopefully I succeeded. Having Kain show emotion at all can be tricky, but I think that he was just desperate enough to convince himself that he had no choice. And it's pretty fun to see Raziel's flabbergasted reaction.
I did have fun writing the part with young Kain though. And how ironic that he resisted Raziel as well even though he had little reason not to kill him. And I enjoy the idea of Janos beating the crap out of elder Kain far more than I should (almost as much as Vorador).
Also, I wanted to apologize for my delay in responding to many of your reviews. This is the first opportunity I've had in several weeks to get caught up on internet-related activities so I'm terribly behind. I'll try to be better about responding this time.
