"You'll think I'm crazy." Rick brushed her hair out of her face,
"Already think you're crazy, but, it's one of the reasons I love you." He grabbed her hand and locked their fingers together.
"One time I took it too far… when I was eighteen, I hit a vein. I remember how it felt. I remember feeling the life drain out of my body. I wouldn't be here if my roommate hadn't found me in time…" Kate felt tears prick her eyes again,
"There was so much blood… I was able to hide it from my parents so well until that night. The hospital called my dad and he hurried over. Once they pumped me full of someone else's blood and they stitched me up, my dad made a promise that he wouldn't tell my mom as long as I got some help. I started therapy and pills for depression the next day." Kate snuggled further into Castle's lap.
"I was doing so well too! I stopped cutting. I started eating more… then everything changed the day I lost her. I was so distraught… I mean… it was my mom Castle… she was everything to me. That was when I dropped out of Stanford and started Police College.
"Even though I was in college I started again... food made me sick. Every single thing reminded me of her. I became a self-harming, self-starving dedicated student, until I realized I needed help again… I did great! Eleven years and no self-inflicted wounds and I never went a month without food… until this goddamned case." Rick kissed her head and held her close, as if she was going to slip away from him at any minute.
"I haven't touched a piece of food since we got this case"
"What happened to your arm, Kate?" Kate looked down at it, avoiding all eye contact with Rick. "Kate… please tell me… did you cut again?"
"I… kinda?"
"How, kinda?"
"I was debating whether to do it or not and when you knocked on the door I jumped and must have accidentally cut myself…" Kate stood up and headed for the bathroom. "You must think I'm psychotic." She laughed as she entered the room. Rick followed her.
Kate looked through her cupboards for gauze and hydrogen peroxide. Once she found it them, Castle took the towel from her and put some peroxide on a clean spot. He dabbed her cut with it and then dabbed away the excess blood. Rick then took the gauze and wrapped it around her arm until it was fully covered. He tucked the edge of it into itself to hold it securely.
Rick grabbed her arm and kissed the gauze. "I don't think you're psychotic… I just wonder what could have happened to this girl to make her think there was no way out1…"
"Well, Jack Dawson." She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I wish I knew. It's like cigarettes… it's an addiction. Once you try it, you can't stop. It's like you with alcohol, it masks the emotional pain. It's a diversion, the physical pain trumps emotions." She kissed him soundly. "Good enough for you?" Rick nodded his head. "Take me to bed Richard Castle! Let me fuck your brains out."
