The weeks were filled with regret. I would hear someone come up and say his or her apologies, apologies for my father and me. After hearing my silence and seeing my distant glance they would immediately leave. I called to them in my mind saying thanks for caring but not having enough energy to make the effort. Nagisa was silent about my attitude for the first few weeks. She wasn't her own usual self and I knew I had a hand in that. The days passed quickly and it was soon Christmas break. We parted from our friends for the holidays. No one knew how to react to me, or what to talk about. I was mostly silent anyway. I felt like all the progress I had made since I met Nagisa had dispersed in seconds. We walked home, Nagisa trailed after me warily. She always stood by me like I would break at any second, she was always cautious now. We reached an empty house, our empty house. Hisako had moved already. The beginning of winter was met with the end of their stay. The times Akio and Sanae stayed at the park became longer and longer. Nagisa and I parted as we usually did and headed to our rooms.
"Tomoya, would you like a snack?" She said making conversation and I shook my head. She just nodded. No wait, I'm sorry. Come back and we will have a nice talk and I'll kiss your forehead and everything will be back to normal. My mind was always quick reacting, thinking of a better response than what I had already said. Nagisa entered her room and closed the door behind her. I felt bad too, but I wouldn't do anything about it. I needed to get over this hurdle by myself.
I felt I had contributed to my father's suicide. I spent nights filled with guilt; writing in a journal whatever came to mind. Usually I filled the pages with drawings and scribbles. I knew if I didn't do this, I would surely drown. Only then, by myself, did I realize that I wasn't upset about my father's death but more of the fact that I was so oblivious to his thoughts The Furukawa family proceeded as normal. They almost ignored me completely now, knowing I wouldn't react to anything. At the beginning, Nagisa had tried to bring me out of my funk. She soon stopped trying. I put thunked myself in my forehead, when the thought of Nagisa came up again. I can remember what I said clearly.
"Tomoya. Do your class work." Nagisa gently prodded a few weeks after it had happened. I shook my head and threw the backpack she was edging towards me to the other wall. She didn't stop. "Tomoya. I think you need to get out of it. I think you need to return to normal." I shook my head again.
"My father died, Nagisa. You don't know anything about death. All you think about is butterflies and rainbows. Get a clue. Life sucks. It's over the day you begin. Just get out of here. I don't want to talk to you."
It might not seem that threatening to someone else but it was the most inconsiderate things I had said to her. She stopped talking to me seriously since that day, almost a month ago. I heard a knock on my door and quickly told the person to come in. It was Nagisa. She sat down on my floor and I quickly slipped my journal into a desk drawer. We were silent.
I'm sorry I said those things. Can we go back to normal? I wanted to say this but couldn't bring myself to lose my pride.
"I think we should do something for my birthday. The two of us that is." Nagisa said. I was surprised at this remark. She hadn't acknowledged me in a week and now a plan for a date.
"I don't know…" I said and trailed off. I don't know why I did this. I did, so much, want to spend time with Nagisa. She looked at the table in embarrassment. I knew it must have took all of her confidence to ask me that. She got up.
"Wait." I called after her and she stopped at the door. I sighed heavily. "I don't know why I act this way sometimes. I want to go on a date with you." I said and immediately felt wrong. She came back and sat down.
"You don't know what it is like to see you like this, Tomoya. You are pathetic." She said. I jumped with the hatred in her voice. This was one of the only insults I had received from her. "You mope around everywhere. I know you are upset and it is ok to be, but you don't even try to hide it. I just-" Her eyes filled with tears and she tried to wipe them away. "I just want to talk to you normally and I want to hold your hand." Tears streamed down her face. "And I want to sit in your room with you. I want to spend time with you, but you are pushing everyone away and I just don't know what to do when you act like this." I stayed silent after she had finished talked. She body racked with sniffles and she reached for the tissue box on my desk.
"I don't know. I'm not sure what I am suppose to do Nagisa, or even what I am suppose to feel. I just don't know. I want to act normally but I can't just stop thinking about the fact that my father killed himself because of me. Why did this happen to me?" I said. "Even if I did get over it quickly, if I don't show remorse than people will think I am glad he is dead." I added quietly. She nodded her head.
"Even if your aren't sure, or if your are afraid or hurting I will always be here. I will always l-l-love you." She choked on the lasts words, returning to her normal coy self. I was so happy Nagisa was shy and so feminine; she was the only one who could make me feel normal again. I smiled and took her hand in mind. We watched as the sun went down through my window. I wondered if this was a sign. Was it the ending of my misery or the beginning of new times? I hoped for both. I really needed to change my outlook like. I needed to learn a lesson from my past self and stop caring what people thought. I gathered Nagisa in my arms and rocked her back and forth.
"Why am I so lucky?" I said. I felt as if my worries had eased away. I looked back at the sky, now speckled with stars. Even though Nagisa denies this, I swear I saw a little ball of light float up and join the stars, making a black spot in the night disappear and filling it with bright hope.
