A/N: I swear it seems like some sort of conspiracy. Either that, or ffnet has weekly uploading issues. No matter. Sorry for the delay again. All the usual disclaimers, and just a reminder that this is a rated T. Chapter 10 is on its way, and as always thank you very much for reading.
It was kind of nice, April decided, as she lay in bed next to Alex in the early hours of the morning the next day. Strange, but nice. Having someone else sleep in your bed with you, that is. Like a guy. A boyfriend sort of guy. Someone who wasn't Kimmie. Or Reed. Or Kenny Dirkin.
The previous night, she'd been so anxious and jittery that it seemed like every single twitch or move that Alex made caused April to wake up. She was normally a pretty light sleeper, and with Alex there, in such close proximity, that trait was magnified. Not that he tossed and turned too much. April's leg had been fine the whole night. Alex fell asleep quickly and appeared to be a deep sleeper.
Which, on reflection, April figured was probably a good thing. Because every time she'd woken up, before she could doze off again, she hadn't been able to stop herself from watching Alex. Not that she was being creepy or anything. Well, she didn't mean to be. It was fascinating. He was fascinating. April liked having him so close. In sleep all the stress and pain that she'd seen on his face that night vanished. Alex was warm and solid, and completely relaxed. His eyes flicked around behind his closed eyelids. He was dreaming. She wondered what he was dreaming about.
When April finally did fall deeply asleep herself, she found that she was still vaguely aware of Alex's presence nearby. She'd woken up early, as usual, but today the sounds of soft snores greeted her, and Alex's arm was draped across her stomach. And April couldn't really remember her own dreams, but she had the vague sense that they'd been happy. Alex moaned and shifted, turning on his side, now facing away from her.
Having someone else sleep in your bed was strange, but nice. And it was something April could very get used to. Easily.
Sighing, April decided it was time to get up, so she sat up and reached for her crutches. She rose, and headed out of her room, slipping on her robe and leaving Alex asleep on her bed. She was surprised to find Amber eating a breakfast bowl of cereal with Derek in the kitchen.
Waving off April's inquiring gaze, at seeing her up so early, the girl had simply explained, "Timezones".
As she went about making her own breakfast, an alarm went off in her room, causing Alex to groan loudly. After some ruffling sounds, he emerged bleary eyed and yawning, making a beeline past the kitchen, directly to the bathroom. The fact that he'd come out of April's bedroom escaped no one's notice. Soon the sound of running water could be heard in the kitchen. Sitting at the table between Derek and Amber, April ducked her head and shoved a mouthful of cereal in her mouth.
Shepherd only coughed and raised his eyebrows as he finished his last mouthfuls of food, but Amber smirked, with a glint in her eyes.
"I thought you said you weren't sleeping with him..."
April flushed, feeling mortified as Derek rose and placed his bowl in the sink.
"I-I did...but we only...I mean, we're not...That's really none of-"
"My freakin' business. I know. Whatever you did, thanks for keeping him from reading me he riot act last night. I was beat."
Glancing up as Shepherd moved through the kitchen headed for the stairs, April winced apologetically.
Smiling slightly, Derek only held up his hands and said, "Don't worry. I don't even want to know..."
"Alex is still going to have to talk with you," April said after the older surgeon had disappeared up the stairs.
"Yeah, yeah," Amber mumbled.
"I'm being serious Amber. Hitch-hiking is-"
Rolling her eyes and tilting her head from side to side, the girl chimed in, "Very dangerous. I know. Whatever. It's probably not the best decision I ever made."
"Probably not?" April prodded with raised brows.
Amber shrugged and had smiled faintly, "Definitely not."
April smiled back and they ate the rest of their breakfasts together. She was glad that Amber seemed to be aware of the potential consequences of her actions. When they finished eating, April went about getting ready for the day. She had a feeling it would be interesting, and she turned out to be right.
Things got started before anyone even left the house. Alex hadn't trusted his sister to be left to her own devices, and he didn't have time to talk with her in a meaningful way before work. So, with much protest from everyone involved, Amber was left under the supervision of Derek who had the day off. He'd complained that all he wanted to do was to play with Zola and catch up on sleep, while Amber whined that she was 17, and didn't need a babysitter.
Which had almost set Alex off into another angry fight with his sister, because, "The way you freakin' got here proves that you need supervision!"
Luckily, after his conversation with April the previous night, Alex didn't let everything dissolve into a shouting match. He'd also allowed Meredith and April to convince Derek to do watch Amber, because it wouldn't be so bad, it was only a half day, and he could sleep after April came home.
Alex had grumbled, and scowled, and sighed, but in the end he'd allowed them to help. Which to April seemed like a pretty big step.
Once the Amber situation was settled, Meredith, Alex and April headed to the hospital. She'd gone to physical therapy and then spent her second half day at work getting back into the scheduling side of being chief resident. April enjoyed performing at least part of her old job, and decided that the position kind of worked in her favor in light of her injury. A big part of being chief resident was administrative, so April was happy to slide back into that as best she could. You could plan schedules on crutches.
April saw Alex a couple of times throughout her day, and he'd only been able to give her small waves as he walked to and from surgeries. It'd felt different, since she'd woken up next to him that morning. Not that anything had changed really. It was just a sleeping arrangement after all. Still, April felt different. Her heart skipped a beat every time he crossed her path. She felt closer to Alex. Especially in light of the fact that he'd told her more about his family and accepted her offer to help.
But it was also slightly disheartening to watch Alex and all of her friends and housemates busily performing procedures and building up OR time in preparation for boards. April was now even more determined to get down to one crutch, and back to surgery.
The rest of the morning passed quickly, and soon she was ready to head home. She hoped that Derek and Amber had managed alright. In the back of her mind, April had been mulling over ideas on how to help Alex and his family. A chance encounter in the parking lot with a Seattle Grace attending gave April spark of inspiration.
"Hello Dr. Kepner," Webber smiled, with his hands in his pockets, as they walked past each other. "Nice to see you back working again."
"Thank you Chief...I mean...Dr. Webber."
April had gripped her crutches and was already two car lengths down the aisle when her eyes widened and she turned around as quickly as she could.
"Uh, Dr. Webber wait! C-can I ask you something? Personal?"
After getting Webber's answer, she quickly headed home. April cautiously let herself into the house, uncertain as to how she'd find things.
"Hello?" No one replied, so she followed the sounds of animated voices coming from the living room.
"Hello?" April tried again as she walked up to the couch where Amber and Derek were sitting pouring over the plans for his new house which were laid out on the coffee table. Only Zola, nestled on her father's lap, acknowledged April's greeting, looking up and grinning toothily.
"Dude," Amber said excitedly. "Bay windows are awesome. This stuff is so cool."
"You think so?" Derek asked.
"Yeah, I love this sort of thing. I, uh, I used to have this game on our computer. Before Aaron broke it," the teen replied wincing and scratching her neck. "And there was this game, called The Sims? You make people and stuff, but I didn't really play for that. I loved it because you could design their houses. Man, I loved that game."
"So you like architecture," Shepherd concluded, tickling Zola and making the baby squeal.
"Yeah, back then I thought about being an architect or something...but whatever," she rolled her eyes. "Aaron broke the cd like last year."
The unspoken addendum to that statement was, unfortunately, last year when my brother tried to kill me. April frowned at the sad and forlorn expression that marred Amber's features. Another idea popped into her head.
Noticing the change in Amber's attitude, and eying the girl with a concerned gaze,Derek continued, "Tell me about some of the homes you designed when you had the game."
Amber shrugged shyly and began to speak, "One time, I made this house that had a moat..."
Since they seemed to be getting along well enough, April decided to quietly slip into her own room. She settled in on her bed, powered up her lap top and began to research her two, hopefully useful ideas. Soon she found tat and more information, and her printer whirred to life. By the time Alex got home she'd gotten two nicely prepared packets of information ready. Just in case the ideas did help.
Dinner was an awkward affair for those at home because, well, everyone in the house, Jackson, Lexie, April, and Meredith and Derek, all knew that the big 'talk' between Alex and his sister would happen afterward. It was a necessary conversation, inevitable, given circumstances within the Karev family. Inevitable and certainly not enviable. And no matter how much they all wanted to help, this had to start with Alex and Amber. They would be the decision makers. Any assistance April and the rest of the house could give had to come after that,and had to support whatever choice the siblings made. Because they were family.
So most ate quickly, talked sparsely and retreated to their rooms or back to the hospital as fast as they possibly could, leaving Alex and Amber alone at the kitchen table.
April hovered in the kitchen doorway. She knew this was a family thing. And she wasn't family. Yet. She realized now, that on some level, she wanted to be. She really did. Not just because of Alex. Even after knowing Amber for a short time, April worried for the teen. She wanted things to work out well for her. She wanted to see them work out.
Then again, April knew that these kinds of thoughts were probably ridiculous. People would probably say she was one of those crazy girlfriends who immediately thinks of marriage after a date. Although, she had had more than one date with Alex. And she wasn't really thinking about marriage per say. Just the idea of being a part of Alex's family. A part of his life. That couldn't be too bad. So, maybe April wasn't that crazy.
"We're not gonna kill each other," Alex said, as he noticed her continued hovering, his voice serious but teasing.
"Speak for yourself," Amber added, arms crossed, her tone much less playful.
"I know," April said jerking out of her thoughts. She moved to the counter and grabbed the printed pages of research she'd gotten ready in the afternoon. "I, uh, looked into some stuff for you guys...I t-thought it might help keep the conversation...well...constructive, you know? Give you a few starting p-points...And..."
She nervously slid the papers onto the table in front of Alex and Amber. This likely seemed a little odd to them, but April really did think some of her ideas and the stuff she'd researched might help.
"It's color coded by subject..."April continued lamely gesturing to the carefully highlighted marks on the pages in front of them. She gulped. Yeah, they thought it was weird.
Feeling strangely embarrassed April turned to leave, noticing a plate of cookies on the counter top. On second thought, maybe that might help too. At the very least, a few sweets couldn't hurt. It was going to be a serious conversation after all. So, she slid the cookies onto the table too.
"I'll..just leave you two to it then. I'm gonna, um go to my room. Study for boards..."
Before she could pull her hands away Alex grabbed one of them, and squeezed, "Thanks. For the help. We, uh...well, thank you."
"G-good luck," April flushed inexplicably, and nodded, before turning and leaving the kitchen.
"Don't go too far," Amber called after, half joking, and half serious. "We might need a referee!"
Alex sighed as he watched April leave the kitchen. He really wished she were in here talking to his sister instead. She was better with emotional crap like this. Better at laying down rules too. But Alex knew that he was Amber's brother. And right now he was the only responsible adult in her family. So he had to deal on his own. Mostly.
He laughed internally. A packet color coded by subject. April was still helping him, even if she wasn't the one who had to discipline Amber.
When April was gone he stared at his hands and messed with the papers she'd left in front of him. Lifting his eyes ever so slightly, Alex could see Amber drumming her fingers on her own set of papers. Silence continued between them, and it felt like all the tension of yesterday was back in full force.
"Amber, I know Mom is bad," Alex finally said, working as hard as he could to keep his voice calm, and to not allow his anger to control him.
"I know she is. But you shouldn't have just left like that, okay? It's no excuse to bum out on school and stuff. Never use all this crap with mom as an excuse." Sighing he finally lifted his eyes so he could see her face.
Amber pursed her lips and ignored his words. Her eyes were still focused on the door April had just left. She crossed her arms.
"I think you know was pretty dangerous coming here by yourself," Alex continued, taking slow deep breaths, and trying to resist the urge to scream. If she would just act like she got it. If he could see just some little sign, Like she'd learned something from all this.
"If something had happened to you...I mean you could have been...uh kidnapped or...I mean there are creepy dudes out there just waiting to..."
"Funny thing," Amber sneered, deceptively calm. "You cheat death once and nothing spooks you ever again."
"I know," Alex realized that he didn't exactly know his sister all that well, but he could see plainly now, just how much the whole incident with Aaron had affected her.
"No you don't! You didn't even stay!" His little sister evidently had no intention of controlling her angry outbursts. It egged on his own frustration and he began to fire back.
Alex slammed the sides of his hands on the surface of the table, "I have a job! You think it's easy to get Mom's medication? Or to pay for Aaron's placement? I have to work. I can't be everywhere. I can't take care of everybody! I can't...do everything!"
"You can't do anything because you are never there! So, whatever. I hitch-hiked."
"No. It does matter. It would worry Mom if she wasn't...It does worry me."
"You're worried? You're not my freakin' father!"
Now they were both angry. He frowned and sighed. He wasn't her father. And he didn't feel like much of a brother either. Alex placed both elbows on the table and held his head in his hands. It seemed like they were talking in circles.
He heard Amber rustling the pile of paper in front of her. Then she snorted, and chuckled. Not exactly the kind of response Alex had expected. His heart sank and his frustration grew. Amber clearly didn't take this crap seriously at all. He lifted his head ready to yell at her again when she spoke in a strange radio announcer type of voice.
"Do you have unresolved conflict in your family?" She was looking down at the packet in front of her.
Alex made a face. "What?"
"Page three. That's what it says. 'Do you have unresolved conflict in your family?: 4 steps for resolution,'" Amber read dutifully.
Looking down at his own set of the papers that April had left them, Alex quickly flipped to the pages. He scanned the neatly highlighted words. There were articles on 'Cultivating Effective Communication Skills', 'Strategies For Forgiveness', and 'Teenagers and Responsibility'. The back pages included Iowa School District attendance regulations, a list of in-home and night nurses with mental health specialties in the Davenport area, and admission and program requirements for the University of Washington Architecture program. April had pulled out all the stops.
Despite himself and the situation, Alex shook his head and chuckled, "What the hell did she look up?"
Amber was laughing slightly too, and shaking her head in disbelief, "Look at all of this...stuff to help us, I guess. She meant it. When she said she wanted to help. She really meant it. I never...people don't usually mean it..."
"No, they don't." Alex smirked, "Her and her freakin' lists."
Amber pursed her lips and surreptitiously grabbed a cookie. He reached for one at the same time and their hands brushed each other. He realized that the last time he'd actually touched her he'd been holding her hand at the hospital after Aaron's psychotic break. Amber seemed aware of this too and quickly drew her hand back, staring back at him with guarded eyes as she bit into her cookie.
"We do need the help...don't we? I mean...we are pretty messed up, right?"
Alex, suddenly not so interested in eating, curled his fingers into a fist and shrugged. "Yeah...and, uh... I'm not really good at any of this."
"Me neither."
"We probably need a therapist," Amber said scrunching her nose up in distaste.
"I'm not really a fan of head shrinks."
"Me neither."
Alex frowned. Therapists and counselors and crap. To him it all felt like it was skirting a little to close to madness. To the kind of condition his mom and his brother suffered from. That was why after the shooting, Alex had tried to finish counselling as quickly as possible. He wanted to be no where near a head shrink. Because he wasn't nuts. He knew what nuts looked like.
He winced and used the fingers of his other hand to carefully pull the papers closer to him.
Amber swallowed her mouthful of cookie, and lifted her own packet to her face, "But...maybe we could try to use this stuff...like...look at page one? 'Tips for Repairing Fractured Familial Relationships'...I mean, that's what we have, isn't it?"
"Okay," Alex said tentatively, reading through the guide and studiously ignoring the fact that these very articles were probably written by the dreaded head shrinks he and Amber desperately wanted to avoid. Whatever. At least, it was a place to start. something in their own control. "It says that first we should just, uh, talk. Like about neutral normal, everyday crap. Not the stuff that makes us fight..."
"Right...okay."
And talk they did. For hours. About tons of things from football, to movies, and favorite foods. Alex realized that this was the first time he'd ever really talked to his sister since she'd grown up. And talking to Amber, he could now see that she had grown. She wasn't the little girl he'd said goodbye to on his way to medical school. She was smart, funny, and tough. Amber shared Alex's trait for brutal honesty and irreverence.
Everything you'd want in a kid sister and more. Everything Alex could think of. It was nice getting to know her. He probably should have made more of an effort before.
After they talked for a while, things were less tense. It became easier to address the other stuff. The things that made them mad. Alex and Amber slowly worked through the pages of April's packets. It was easier, having the lists of stuff to talk about. Of ways to talk about the things they never talked about.
Amber finally explained to him the reason she'd been suspended from school. It wasn't that she didn't care about school. She'd been suspended for being absent and tardy. Their mom's bad patch was the real reason.
Amber looked down at her hands, "Mom started waking up at night and stuff...and she'd try to leave the house and whatever. So I'd have to keep an eye on her. And...I was just so tired..."
Alex nodded. He understood that. His mother had done that when he was a kid too. Before Dad left. Before they had meds.
He finally told Amber about some of the crap he'd been through at her age. So she'd know that when he said he understood about living with Mom, it was because he'd actually done it. And worse. Alex glossed over most of the details about their father, but tried to show her that it was a good thing, in the end that he'd left. That it was better for Amber, in the long run, even if she didn't remember him.
They stayed in the kitchen long into the night, planning what to do with their mother. Alex thought the whole in-home care nurse was a brilliant idea. He'd thought of something like it before. Amber liked the idea too. Because, it would be better for her. Easier. To have another adult, a professional, no less, who would look out for their mom and make sure she took her pills. Of course money was always the crux of things.
Only, on page 17, April had included a list of mental health resources Alex had never heard of, available in Iowa, and covered by his own freakin' insurance. It was doable. Money might be kind of tight until Alex made attending, but he thought that it would work. And Amber wanted to go home. At least for now. She didn't think she would stay in Iowa after high school, but wanted to at least finish up her senior year at St. Xavier's.
Smirking happily and pointing to the last pages of information that April had printed out, about freakin' architecture school, Amber said, "Who knows? Maybe I could come to college in Seattle?"
Alex rolled his eyes, "You should probably focus on finishing at St. Xavier's first. But you could. If you got in. It uh, it might be cool."
"You think I could do it?"
He shrugged, "You made it from Davenport to Seattle all by yourself. I'm pretty sure if you put your mind to it, you could get in. If you studied or whatever."
Amber beamed, and Alex couldn't help but smile at her too.
When they finally ironed out a plan for their Mom, it was well past midnight. Alex yawned and pushed back his chair to stand up. Amber rose too, and turned to face him.
"I'm good with the couch or whatever, if you want your bed back..."
"Nah," Alex shrugged. He'd actually didn't mind sharing with April again. In fact, he enjoyed it. Even if it was only for sleeping. "I'm good down here."
His sister smirked, and then looked down thoughtfully at the papers in her hands. The papers that had broken the ice between them in a way. Glancing down at his own stack, Alex could hardly believe it. They'd had more progress in his family tonight, than had happened in years. If ever. All because of a few 'starting points' that April had thought might help.
"I know I never met your, uh, ex-wife," Amber said quietly. "But I think I like April. As a girlfriend or whatever. She seems better. For what it's worth."
"Me too," Alex replied scratching his neck. "And, uh...it's worth a lot."
After quietly getting ready for bed, Alex slipped into April's room, expecting her to be fast asleep. The lights were dimmed, but a desk lamp on her nightstand was illuminated and a book lay open on her chest on the bed. He could tell that she was sleepy though, by the way she was blearily squinting at the pages.
When she saw him enter April sniffed and rubbed her eyes, closing her book and settling it on the nightstand, "So...everything okay?"
"Yeah. Better than it's been in a long time."
Alex shook his head. She didn't have any idea how much she had helped. He had never talked with Amber or anyone about his family life. For years it'd been easier for him to ignore things. To tread water. But now? He and Amber had a plan. It could be the start of something completely different for the Karevs.
Alex climbed into the bed next to April and pulled her into a deep kiss. She seemed taken off guard for a moment and when the kiss ended she placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back slightly. His brow furrowed. She seemed really nervous.
"I-I...we are, um sleeping, sleeping...right? I mean, I don't think I'm quite ready to-to..."
Oh geez. He hadn't meant it to be a 'Let's screw' sort of kiss. Not that he didn't want to screw. At some point. Hopefully sooner rather than later. But this? He'd only wanted her to know grateful he was. He just didn't have the words.
"Keep your dirty mind out of the gutter, Kepner," he joked, wrapping his arm beneath her and letting her head rest on his chest.
"I, um...s-sorry. I just wasn't sure..."
"I'm not bothered. It's just...all that stuff you looked up? The list? It really helped. We talked. We have a plan and everything...so, I just, thanks or whatever...I wasn't trying to rush you or anything. We are sleeping sleeping."
"Oh," April said quietly. She stayed quiet for a minute, gingerly twisting the fabric of his tank top with one hand.
"I suppose," she continued. "If we weren't sleeping sleeping, we'd still end up...sleeping..."
Alex bit his bottom lip and smiled at the ceiling.
"For crying out loud, April," he teased. "You can go ahead and say sex. And yeah, you usually sleep afterwords."
"Right," she gulped.
"Don't worry so much."
Running his hand up and down her arm, Alex laughed a little. She'd been doing this whole 'if we did' thing in recent weeks. They'd be making out, and he'd reach somewhere or whatever, and she'd just say, 'if we did' blah, blah, blah.
It was like April was a character in one of those late night alien movies where a UFO crashes into the town and everyone goes to look at it. The townspeople would inch closer and closer to spaceship, checking it out from every possible angle. They'd poke it with a stick, and look at it with a magnifying glass before they'd get close. April circled the topic of sex much the same way, with a wide birth at first, occasionally prodding with questions, and over time she'd brought it up more and more.
Alex guessed it was her way of getting used to everything. Of gathering information and ticking off some freaking list in her head. Since April had never done it before. Her and her freakin' lists.
It didn't matter anyway. Alex could wait. He'd never been that kind of guy before, but now, in this relationship at least, sex wasn't the end all be all. Not that it wasn't important. Just, he was okay with April going at her own pace. He'd manage.
Especially after the help she'd given him and Amber today. So he sighed and squeezed her arm.
"Sleep tight."
April carefully unlocked the door to the house, poking her head around the edge. Her eyes darted around, looking for any signs of life in the house. Holding her shopping bags as close to her person as she could, April held the handles of her crutches and slipped into the house. She knew she couldn't exactly tiptoe, but she was doing her absolute best not to be loud. Because there was absolutely no way April wanted to get caught with the contents of her shopping bag.
Having to pay for it at the bookstore checkout had been embarrassing enough.
Alex had been in Iowa for the 3 days, taking Amber home and getting things settled with his mother. It was the longest they'd ever really been apart since their whole relationship had started. April knew that she was going to miss him, but she'd been startled by how much. Maybe it was because she was still only working half days, and had more time to think about it. At any rate, she felt Alex's absence acutely, and it made her realize just how much a part of her life Alex had become.
And, she'd come to a decision. April felt ready, to...well, she felt ready to not be a virgin. She was ready.
So, when Alex came back she wanted to have sex. Make love. Get it on. Screw. Because she could call it by... proper names...when she wanted to. She just need a plan. Research.
Sex was definitely not April's area of expertise. And it wasn't a topic she could ask her mother about. And no matter how much nerve she tried to build up on the phone, April also couldn't bring herself to ask Libby. Or Kimmie. Or Alice. Even if they were all married. And had children. Which meant that they'd obviously...
And just how do you bring that up in conversation anyway? With your younger sisters? Awkward. Even if they occasionally told April more than she strictly wanted to know, April had no idea how to talk about the topic of 'the bedroom' with any of her sisters.
So, April was going to turn to reading. To the trusty pages of books. Because she'd always learned from studying. Of course getting the books had been an adventure in and of itself. She felt like her whole trip to Barnes and Noble had been spent with her cheeks beet red. But she'd done it, and now she had the information she needed.
Locking the door behind her April moved through the living room, hoping to make it to her bedroom unnoticed. She winced and froze when Lexie's voice drifted in from the kitchen.
"April? That you?"
"Uh, yeah..." April bit her lip and eyed the distance to her bedroom. She could hear Lexie jogging over from the kitchen. Even though her mobility had continued to improve by leaps and bounds in the month and a half since the earthquake, she knew that she could never make it to her room before the younger Grey intercepted her.
Sure enough a grinning Lexie appeared in the living room doorway, carrying to a can of soda and a bottle of beer.
"Hey," she said happily, offering the soda to April. "I know your still on Naproxin so...no alchohol."
"Ah," April lifted one hand and took the offered beverage. "Thank you."
She tried to inch closer to her room, but Lexie stared at her quizzically, and gestured emphatically for April to sit down. Gingerly, she slipped off her crutches and sat down next to the fourth year resident, still clutching her bags.
"Everything okay? I figured you might be lonely. Jackson and everyone studying, and I know you must miss Alex," Lexie continued, shaking her head.
"What's your deal with him anyway? I mean...are you together? How did that even happen? You never said. You guys are just so...unexpected."
"Well, we...we uh," April stammered, and her mouth began to run, like it always did when she was nervous.
"Yeah. I-I always kind of liked him. He's a great person, underneath everything. And...he...well, with the earthquake and everything. He acts different. I mean, I know it's not that obvious, but I can tell. And I almost died, and life's too short, and I just thought... why shouldn't we just try to see how things go? And...Alex said okay, and...we've had fun. I think. I mean I have, and Alex never says he isn't having fun and he doesn't mind planning new things to do..."
Her eyes widened, when she realized she'd said too much. April brushed her hair behind her ears and quietly said, "He makes me feel...awesome. Even with my leg. And my...me-ness."
"Well," Lexie said carefully. "That's good. But make sure you really like him for him. He deserves that. He deserves not to get hurt or left behind. He's a good guy. Make sure you really like him, and your heart isn't just living in your vagina. That was my mistake."
April blinked and opened her mouth to speak several times before she finally stammered, "I-my heart's living...what?"
"You know," Lexie said lifting her eyebrows. "You know. Be with him for the right reasons. Not just because of the earthquake. Not just because he is good in bed. Make sure you like him for him and for more than just the sex."
"Oh. Oh god. N-no. I really d-do like Alex. Himself. Not because of...I'm...I...We-we haven't."
She shifted, suddenly uncomfortably aware of the fact that Lexie not only was much more experienced in this sort of thing than April, but had in fact at one time been sleeping with Alex.
"Oh come on, you two've been...I mean I found you guys hot and heavy on the couch a month ago," Lexie was disbelieving. "You still haven't? But I can't imagine Alex not making a move...Really? And he hasn't said anything or?"
April shrugged, her cheeks flushing even more deeply than at the bookstore, "He s-said he wasn't b-bothered. And, I mean, we do other...uh, stuff...not...nothing like...anyway. He...he doesn't seem to mind. Well, not that much...with my leg and all."
She closed her eyes and held her head back, silently cursing her mouth for running farther than she'd intended. Again. Without opening her eyes, April heard Lexie continue.
"Well, if Alex has been willing to wait...oh, April he must really like you."
April grunted lightly in confirmation and bit her lip. She reached for her crutches and stammered, "I think I am just going to..."
She was cut off by the tell tale ripping sound of the plastic bag she was carrying. Damn it. Her purchases tumbled out of the bottom of the sac and onto the living room floor. Kneeling and picking stuff up was definitely something April knew her leg wasn't up to. Damn it.
Lexie quickly reached down to grab the fallen texts, saying, "Oops, sorry about that. Ooh what did you ge...Oh my God!"
April ducked her head. She felt like she was on the verge of disintegrating from embarrassment. When she glanced over at Lexie she saw the other woman was incredulously reading the titles of the fallen books.
"'The Art of Seduction'? 'The Karma Sutra'?" She pulled the books back as April made a grab for them. Damn it.
"April!" Lexie continued, her eyes wide and a smile playing at her lips. "You! You are planning to seduce him, aren't you? When he gets back! I never would have thought you had it in you."
April crossed her arms. This was the absolute worst worst part of living in this stupid house. Everyone knew everyone else's business. It hadn't really been a big deal before. When April didn't really have any business for people to snoop in. Now that she did, it sucked.
"Surely you don't need..."
April made another grab for the books, and this time she was successful. She held them to her chest and glowered indignantly, "I understand the mechanics! Just because I am a virgin doesn't mean I am oblivious...I-I just..wanted to do a little research. Don't laugh."
Sensing April's distress, Lexie backed off, holding her hands up, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It makes sense...I guess."
"You think it's weird."
"No. Yes. Just...sex isn't exactly an exam or something you can get prepared for. You kinda of just, go with it. In the moment."
"I am not really an 'in the moment' type of person," April said dejectedly.
"And Alex...he's no virgin. He's...And I know I am not that..." she cleared her throat. "I'm not a 'sexy' sort of person. I'm ordinary."
"No-" Lexie tried to cut in, but April was on a roll.
"I've always been ordinary. I've cornered the market on ordinary. And Alex...I'm not an acrobat...and my leg isn't exactly a plus...I just want to make sure...he doesn't...if I'm not g-good at it..."
She sank dejectedly into the cushions of the couch.
Lexie tilted her head to one side and sighed. "April, he's not going to ditch you if you're not good at sex. Really, I am telling you, if he's waited this long already, it is not about the sex. It's about you. If he really just wanted sex, Alex could easily go down to some bar and pick up some..."
"Skank," April supplied glumly.
"Some skank, and get laid. Like he used to. But...is he doing that? No. He's been watching movies with you and going to the park with you. He's hanging out with you. That means this is about you. And I haven't seen Alex act that way since...since Izzie."
April hated her curiosity, but she couldn't help but ask, "Even with you?"
Lexie chuckled sadly, "No. Not at all. Ours was a convenient thing. He'd just been dumped. Mark'd just tried to make me a step-grandmother...it was all a little ridiculous."
"Mark tried to make you a s-step-grandmother?" April sputtered. What did that even mean?
Slack jawed, she stared. She'd never heard about that. It must have been when she'd been temporarily fired. Or something. It seemed like Seattle Grace was full of stuff like this. Coming in with the merger, April felt like she'd never fully get caught up.
Lexie caught April's eye and they burst out laughing.
"Like I said, ridiculous. Though...now..." Lexie looked melancholy, sighing. "Anyway, nothing like how you guys are. Go. Read your books. But, you can't learn it all from them. Just...go with the flow. You'll...be fine."
Go with the flow. You'll be fine. Go with the flow. Okay. Easier said than done.
On the night Alex got back from Iowa, 2 days later, April tried to keep the mantra going in her head. She picked him up at the airport, and tried to keep her nerves in check on the way home as he described getting Amber and his mom settled in Iowa. Alex kept shooting her concerned looks from the passenger seat.
April was twitchy as they walked into the house, and Alex finally nudged her shoulder asking, "What's with you?"
She shook her head vigorously, "N-nothing. I'm just really happy you are back."
Alex threw his bag on the ground and kicked off his shoes and settled in his favorite spot on the couch. "So, you missed me."
"Sure," she teased. "I missed you."
"Hah! Good. I missed you too."
April hovered by her bedroom door, uncertain how to...how to say what she wanted to say. Alex stretched and placed his arms behind his head and continued, "And I actually missed the weather. Seattle mist actually grows on you."
"Yup..." April said.
"It'll be nice to get back to work. Nice to be back at the house. Have my own car. My own bed..."
That's it. April gulped. This was her chance. No better opportunity to bring it up. She shifted and gulped again. She loudly cleared her throat.
"Seriously, you okay? I have some gum or whatever from the plane if your throat hurts..."
"N-no. I, uh, you d-don't have to go up to your b-bed...maybe...tonight...tonight's...the night. If you wanted to. Because...because I do."
Alex froze for a second and then shot up from the couch and slowly approached April.
"April? Do you mean you want to?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Y-yeah," April gasped as he moved closer, backing her up to the door.
A smile spread across Alex's face, and he leaned forward and kissed April, running his hands up and down her arms. Some how they pushed into her room, made it to the bed and sank down on the edge. Her crutches clattered to the floor. Alex began to pull at the buttons of her sweater.
When they pulled back from the kiss, April breathlessly smiled at Alex, feeling slightly giddy. It was really happening. Finally, it was really happening. She blinked and swallowed again. With him, that close, right there, everything she'd read in her books flew from her head. Practically everything ever that she'd ever known flew from her mind.
"You're scared, aren't you?" Alex asked as he finished the last button on her sweater. "Look, if you're not-"
"No!" she squeaked.
It wasn't like she was afraid of it. Well, only a little. And it was different than her fear in the on call room, all those months ago. It was a good fear. A thrill fear. Like the way you feel on a roller coaster as the ride slowly jerks its way up the tracks, before it reaches the big dip. You know it's going to be awesome, and the butterflies in your stomach are just anticipation.
"Not scared. The last time we almost did this...you yelled at me and...it's stupid. I really do want to..."
He nodded and leaned forward and did something to her neck that made April gasp.
"I'm not gonna yell at you. I promise."
"I-I know, it's just...I k-know you've been with a b-bunch...who...prettier...no scars," April found that she couldn't make sense. Not when he was by her neck like that. She closed her eyes and let the sensations of his lips on her skin spread through her.
"I'm not keeping score. And," Alex kissed her again. "I don't care about your scars. Don't be scared. I can make it good for you."
April shrugged her way out of the sweater and let it fall to the floor by the bed. Alex pulled at them hem of her tank top and soon it joined the sweater on the floor. It didn't take long before the sweater and the tank top became a pile of both their sets of clothes.
She'd thought it would feel, exposed, or embarrassing to be so, naked. Even if Alex said he didn't mind any scars. April still sort of did. Or she'd thought she did. She normally would. Logically, it seemed like it should be more awkward but, somehow, in the moment, April didn't feel like that at all. Not with the way Alex whispered, "Nice freakin' boobs..." when her bra joined the clothes pile. Not when he could make her toes curl with a single touch. Or the way looked at her when everything came off. That made her feel like she was the envy of every woman in the world.
And Alex, well, he was gorgeous. April didn't really know what to do with her hands, and she couldn't really help but let them roam up and down his chest and back. Which seemed to work for Alex, judging by the sounds he made.
"Lay back," he said quietly, gently pushing her down to the bed. Here we go.
April let herself fall back, and he was by her neck again, and she couldn't keep track of anything, time, space, feelings. It was too much and then he was suddenly by her breast and he was running his hands all over and it felt amazing and...
"April," Alex said.
"Yeah?" she murmured, as he moved his legs across the bed, so that he was hovering above her, careful of her leg.
"Don't hold your breath."
Oh, right. Right. Breathe.
It was probably a first, but she finally let her whirring mind settle down. For once, April let herself be completely 'in the moment'. She took a deep steadying breath.
Go with the flow. You'll be fine. Her last coherent thoughts of the evening.
