Chapter 9: Trusting old friends

Kíli's heart was beating harder with every step he took through the dark corridors. The commander held the lantern as he walked in front of them all, leading the way from the captain's office to the chamber where Kíli's lover and their child slumbered. The light from the lantern did little to cast away the shadows of his mind. He was not at all sure how Tauriel would react, if he had made the right decision, or what Legolas intended to do once he saw her. Legolas had claimed he only wished to speak with her, and that he wished her no harm, yet Kíli couldn't help but feel the cold doubt gnaw at his mind.

They all walked in silence, the commander leading, with Kíli and Thorin right behind, Legolas following them, and with Fíli at the very end of the company. Fíli still felt he had no purpose in all of this, as he was little help to his brother in all of this. At least he could watch Legolas to make sure he did not do anything unwanted. Fíli kept a firm grip on the sword at his hip as they walked; he did not trust the elf.

They entered the royal family's quarters, shown by the great stonework and the sign above a doorway. The first chamber was a hall, with an open hearth in the middle. The walls were covered with great tapestries, depicting the times and lives of all the kings who had once ruled under the mountain. Greatest of these were the one of King Dúrin the first, hanging at the far end of the hall. This hanging stood out from the others as a ray of clear, white light illuminated it from an opening in the ceiling. Columns with carven faces of the kings stood by the walls and supported the ceiling, where various gems and precious stones flowed in open veins. The light of the flames bounced off the gems in many thousands of colors and hues, making the tapestries come alive with color and movement. The floor was laid with tiles of gold and marble, smooth and reflecting the light of the jewels. It was the most magnificent hall in all the dwarven kingdoms, named The Hall of the Kings, and so worthy of the line of Dúrin.

As Legolas walked beneath the moving play of light, he was in awe. It was unlike anything he had ever seen, even if he would not admit it. The sight was more beautiful even than the light spilling through the colorful leaves of Lothlórien in the fall. The usual dull, grey stones of the walls were on fire with colors, as nothing he had seen before. He caught himself gawking at the sight, and pressed his lips together in a stern expression.

Thorin smirked at the elf prince' reaction, content to know it was impressive even to someone who thought so mighty of himself and his homeland. Legolas frowned faintly at Thorin's expression, yet spoke begrudgingly; «It is beautiful.»

«It is the grandness that is dwarven labour,» Thorin answered proudly, feeling his love for the mountain and its beauty beat in his heart.

Underneath the tapestry of Dúrin, two archways revealed corridors, and they walked trough the left, down the corridor, which opened into a dining room and kitchen, used for breakfast by the royal family. They continued through and found themselves at last in the hallway with Kíli and Fíli's chambers, side by side. There were many other doors leading to other chambers, though these were empty, mostly used as guest chambers. Kíli had chosen to lend Tauriel his own, as he felt it would not be right leaving her in an empty, cold chamber, whereas his own always had a warm hearth.

They stopped right in front of the door, and as Kíli was about to enter, he turned around and faced Legolas. He was determined, and entirely clear about what he wanted at that moment. His gaze was steady, and his stance straight.

«I will go in to ask Tauriel if she wants to see you. If she does not, you will respect her wishes.» Kíli eyed Legolas sternly, wanting to make sure they were agreeing on the terms. He continued suddenly before Legolas could speak: «Tauriel I may not be in charge of, but our child I take full responsibility for; and so you will not lay your eyes on my daughter by any means. You will not touch her, nor speak of her to anyone. She is mine, and I will protect her with my life. Do you understand this?»

«You have my word,» Legolas said, his eyes slightly larger by the shock of the young dwarf's show of devotion. He ought to have expected it by now, as only by the last hour he had gotten a fresh impression of the prince who had seemed so careless when last they met. To be fair a lot had happened since then.

Thorin and Fíli shared a look as they witnessed Kíli's demand, and they both wondered how he had gotten to be so grown up all of a sudden. They realized he was indeed no longer the young, reckless prince who had left with them to retake Erebor all those years ago.

Kíli turned then, to enter the room alone, leaving the others outside.

Dís smiled as she greeted her son silently, so not to wake the sleeping mother and child. Kíliel still slumbered in her arms, with Dís' finger still in her small grasp, and various stirrings and sounds revealed her lively dreams.

Kíli grinned widely as he saw the bundle that was his daughter in his mother's arms. He reached for the baby, and Dís placed Kíliel carefully in her father's embrace, slowly freeing her finger from the tight grip of her granddaughter's little fist. Kíli rocket her carefully, as he was for a moment hypnotized by her beautiful, little face. He touched his finger softly to her cheek, and laughed in amazement. Kíli had for a moment forgotten that a whole little life depended on him; it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world.

Kíli felt a tear of happiness leave him, as he met his mother's eyes. Dís had her own moment of happiness, as she watched her son embrace his child with such love and devotion. She touched his cheek, pride glowing in her face, and she kissed him, before leaving the room.

Tauriel stirred then, and mumbled something. Kíli moved to sit by her side, with Kíliel still in his arms. He freed his left hand and carefully caressed Tauriel's cheek. He brushed back some of the hair covering her face, and at that she opened her eyes abruptly. Tauriel had a worried look at first, but then her expression eased as she met his eyes, and she moved her hand to touch his. Tauriel smiled, as she saw Kíliel sleeping in his arms.

«She is safe,» Kíli reassured, as to ease any fears she might've had. «She is perfect.»

«Yes,» Tauriel breathed happily. Then worried wrinkles appeared between her brows as she watched his face. She touched his cheek with a soft, warm hand, as she saw the faint troubled expression in his eyes. «Is something the matter? Where have you been?»

Kíli took her hand and kissed it. «There is something you must know.»

Tauriel was silent, expecting the worst, though unwilling to worry unnecessarily.

«Legolas is here.» At this a terrified expression grew on her face. She tried to sit up in the bed, and cringed at the pain of the sudden movement. She was still weak from the birth, and her body had suffered greatly.

Kíli grabbed her shoulder carefully and held her down. With reassuring eyes he continued to speak; «I made it perfectly clear that it was your choice whether or not you will see him. He is waiting outside with Thorin, Fíli and the commander, and if you say the word, I will banish him. But, my love, he has agreed to keep all of this, you and our child, a secret to his father, as long as I gave him my word that you would be safe here. He only wished to speak with you one last time before leaving. I will take Kíliel if you decide to speak with him, for I will not let him see or hold our child; I do not trust him with her life. But I will let him see you, if you allow it. I realize you have a long history with him, and however much I do not trust him, I would not deprive you of a last word together. What do you say, Tauriel? Will you speak with him?»

Tauriel took a minute to absorb all that Kíli had said, about the agreement and Legolas' promise. It sounded like Legolas to agree so honorably, and she trusted his words and Kíli's. She felt happiness as well that Kíli had been so thorough in his negotiations, and that he had not simply made the decision for her. All her life she had followed orders, even if she was a captain, and she could never speak of her own mind in Mirkwood, if it went against that of the king. Kíli had defied his king several times to be with her, and she admired his strength and courage.

She touched his cheek softly, and sighed with a light smile.

«I will speak with him. Though I wish someone to stand outside the door, if anything should happen.» Tauriel saw the sudden worried expression on Kíli's face, and she caressed his brow of the wrinkles. «Do not worry, my love, I trust him with my life, though I know he can be intense.»

Kíli smiled, trusting her every word if he could trust nothing else. He leaned in to kiss her carefully, so as not to squeeze the sleeping child in his arms. Kíliel made a gurgling sound, but she did not wake. Her parents laughed slightly at her sweet behavior.

After a moment Kíli left the room with another kiss on Tauriel's lips, promising everything would be alright. He tucked Kíliel better in her wrappings before walking out; he did not want to risk Legolas having a peek at her.

Tauriel smiled sweetly, but her heart beat loudly in her ears. When she was finally alone in the room, she felt her chest closing, and she could not take a full breath. She was afraid and anxious to know what Legolas had to say, though she wouldn't hold it against him if it was all but hateful words.

She had left Mirkwood in the dead of night without telling anyone, not even him. How could he forgive her that? Legolas had always cared for her, even if her feelings for him were of another nature. He had always taken too much interest in her, ever since she arrived in Mirkwood, young and unknowing.

What did he think now? That she had abandoned herself and him? She could not know, and speculating only made her panic further.

So she lay, silently, trying to breathe slowly, to regain her control. When she lay like that she felt the ache in her body, but she still felt her energy returning steadily. It would take time, days or even weeks, but it was worth it. She had birthed a child whom she loved, and would not be without for even a moment.

It was at this moment that Legolas entered the room. He closed the door and stood staring at her, as if in fear. Tauriel felt her heart skip a beat at the sight of the hard expression on his usually soft face. She knew suddenly that she had missed him; in all of this, in this place surrounded by people she loved, she had still missed him.

A tear left her eye at the thought, and she turned swiftly away, covering her face with her hand, so that he would not see. Of course he saw, and he rushed to her side, to sit where Kíli just a moment ago sat with their child in his arms. Tauriel felt guilty, and the feeling surprised her.

«Tauriel,» Legolas spoke, his voice as soft as rabbit's fur as he took her hand in his warm, and she couldn't help but turning to him. His deep, blue eyes had a look of despair about them, all hardness had vanished, and she mastered not to hold his gaze for long.

«Do not look at me with such eyes, Legolas.» Tauriel lowered her eyes and beheld her hand in his. The sight unnerved her. She sighed.

«I apologize,» Legolas said, and Tauriel had a feeling he was not speaking about his eyes. His grip on her hand tightened and released slightly. She knew he was battling feelings, as well as she. Still she had no words of comfort. She was both awkward and calmed by his presence.

The silence grew between them, as neither of them dared look at each other, their eyes were locked on their joined hands. It was a strange scene, for Tauriel was not used to this side of him. They had rarely ever spoken of their emotions with each other, and as it now came to it, it was hard for either of them to begin. They had always just coexisted, both knowing each others hearts, neither willing to accept. It had in truth been an easy friendship.

After a while Legolas cleared his throat, and stirred uncomfortably in the chair, still without meeting her eyes. «The dwarf… Kíli, he, ehm… he assured me that you would be safe here,» he began awkwardly, clearly not happy to speak Kíli's name.

«I know,» Tauriel said, partly stubborn and partly curious where this was going.

Legolas met her eyes finally with a stern expression. He gripped her hand tighter as he stared into her eyes. «But I need to hear you say that this is where you want to be, that you will be happy here.»

«I do not know,» she replied honestly, not wanting to lie to him. «But I know I will be happy with Kíli and our child. It is yet unknown where our future lie, but I trust him.»

«Are you sure?» He asked as if there was a right and wrong answer, and she clearly had chosen the latter. «I only want you to be happy, for it is a big decision to make. Can you truly trust him? What is to say he is not just interested in the baby? What if he discards you, then you will have nowhere to go.»

«Why do you speak of such things? I care not for your jealousy, Legolas. If this is all you wish to say to me you might as well leave.» Tauriel despaired and looked at him with disbelief.

«But, Tauriel, he is a dwarf. You cannot live in this realm beneath stone. No elf could endure it. You belong with our people, in the forest. Will you wither down here, away from anything green and beautiful? That is no life for an elf.» He spoke harshly now, and Tauriel removed her hand from his. She would not have him touch her with such words.

«It is not for you or anyone to endure. It is my choice,» Tauriel sneered. She was sick of his attempts to turn her mind. «I know not what is to come, and if I live out my days in this realm, so be it. I will live and thrive with my family, no matter where on this earth it may be. It is none of your concern, so do not try to make it yours. You have no right.»

«I apologize,» Legolas spoke then, his voice controlled again. He hung his head with shame, as he understood he had crossed the line.

Tauriel sighed heavily. She watched him with hard and tired eyes as she spoke: «We are of different kins, you and I, something you have always made perfectly clear. Do not tell me you have changed your mind. In your heart you know we were never meant to be together. Maybe it was the fate of things that led us here, to this moment, so that you can finally let me go, and be at peace.»

«I have not forgotten, yet I wish it was not true. Why do I hold all this love for you in my heart if it is not meant to be? I do not understand…» Legolas' eyes were full of sorrow, and he closed them as he lowered his head into his hands.

It hurt Tauriel to see him like this, and her wrath washed away by the sight. He had always been the stern and proud son of the king; she had never seen him so broken down. She reached to caress his hair carefully, hoping it would soothe his pain. She had never wanted for his distress.

He grabbed both her hands and pressed them to his cheek. He then raised his head and looked at her again, his expression tired and powerless. «You can come home with me. I will protect you from my father. This I promise. We can be together.»

Tauriel shook her head slowly, her eyes sad as well. «We cannot, and in any case I will not be the ruin of another family. Please, Legolas, do not ask such things of me. Here I am safe, and I am content. I have my own family who needs me, more so than you do. If you do not trust Kíli, trust me when I say this. I have a beautiful daughter, and I love and trust Kíli more than I do myself. I do not care where we end up as long as I am with him, even if I have to live my life on the run. Please, Legolas, promise me you will not worry.»

His expression eased some as she spoke. A calmness came about his eyes and he smiled sadly. It was the expression of one who knew there was nothing more to do. Legolas leaned in to kiss her forehead carefully. «If that is your wish, you have my word.»

Tauriel smiled relieved. She had no power in her to continue to argue with him. She felt faint from her outburst, and even if she did not wish it, it was time for him to leave. Legolas noticed the same thing, and took her hand in his again. He sighed heavily and caressed her palm softly with his fingers.

«I will keep my word to the dwarf, for I trust your words of happiness. Yet, there are some things that have gone unspoken.» Legolas began, his eyes shining with honesty. Tauriel could see where this was going.

«Legolas,» she began.

«Please, let me speak, if this is to be our last moment together. I need to say this, for I owe it to you to be honest.» Legolas spoke firmly, yet kindly. He lowered his head, and Tauriel felt tears press on in her eyes by his words. She realized this meeting would bring out the last of her tears. The perfect end to an already emotional day.

«Speak then,» Tauriel said faintly, and closed her eyes to the painful words she expected would come.

Legolas voice was warm as he began: «I want to apologize for all that I have done that would have caused you any harm or unpleasantness. I have always been selfish, and as I early found my love for you I grew greedy. I wanted you for myself, even if I knew we could never be together. I have done many things that I regret. Had I been able I would have changed my approach to you. We could have been great friends had I not been so greedy and by that pushed you away. I have made many mistakes in my life, but that is the worst.»

Tauriel opened her eyes at this and creased her brow. She saw the regret in his eyes, and she reached to touch his brow carefully. «We have always been great friends, Legolas mell. And do not speak of things you have no control over, for I have never held that against you. I have always loved your heart, and I know you would have loved me greatly in any other world. We are too different, Legolas, so please do not blame yourself for any that has happened. You owe me nothing, for you gave my life meaning when all else were lost. When I lost my mother… You gave me a home and a purpose.»

Legolas met her eyes, and a tear released from it as he kissed her hand softly. He pressed it to his cheek, and Tauriel smiled. Her eyes saddened then.

«There is one thing you can give me; your forgiveness. It was I who neglected our friendship in the end. I should have told you about him, and what I planned to do… I should have asked for your help.» Tauriel felt treacherous tears leave her eye of guilt. In her last act she had cast aside their many years of friendship.

«No, you were right to do so. I wouldn't have approved, and I wouldn't have let you leave, even if I knew how my father would react. I came here to take you home, and still I wish you would come with me,» his eyes shone with a sadness and honesty, and Tauriel believed him. It was as she had assumed, and that was also the reason for her regret. She had been so quick to judge.

«Will you not, please, forgive me? I crave your forgiveness for all that I did wrong, to you and to our people. If this is to be our last moment…» A tear rolled down her cheek again, and she looked at Legolas with pleading eyes.

«Speaking and doing things from your heart is nothing but bravery. That is why you have my heart, always, nín seron.» The words were grand, and Tauriel knew he meant them all. She pressed her eyes shut, for she could not bear it. She could not say farewell to him when he bore that expression and spoke such words to her. It was too painful. Tauriel creased her brows and lowered her gaze.

«You gave it far too recklessly.» Tauriel accused him, her voice weak. «You would never have been happy with me. Now you have the opportunity to be at peace, and marry someone who disserves you.» It was naught but a whisper. She wished it all untrue as the words came out of her mouth.

Legolas let go of her hand, and he straightened his back where he sat with an expression of distaste. He looked at her for a long while.

«You have my heart, but you know it little.» His words were ice, and she felt the cold stab in her chest. Tauriel suddenly felt regret color her thoughts. His expression was hard, yet she detected a twitch of sadness in the corner of his mouth.

Legolas rose, and walked away from the chair. He stopped by the door, and Tauriel moaned as she tried to sit up. She wanted to call after him, but then he turned halfway towards her, his expression pained, a fresh tear rolling down his cheek. His deep, blue eyes held her long before he spoke again: «You have my forgiveness, and you have my heart. We will never meet again, I promise you this, just know I will never forget you. I hope you will be happy.» A faint smile played about his lips, and he closed his eyes for the pain. He knew his heart was broken, though he knew not what would become of him.

«Legolas, I am sorry!» Tauriel cried. «Don't do this! Don't leave me like this!»

«I apologize too, Tauriel, but I cannot stay within these walls. It is poison to my mind. Do not think badly of me, for this is not the way I wanted this to end.» Legolas met her gaze, and his mouth twitched in pain. «Farewell, my love.» It was naught but a whisper.

Then he opened the door and left the room with swift steps.

Tauriel cried desperately, her hands over her eyes as she rocked back and forth in the bed, her body aching as well as her heart. She wished she could run after him; tell him he was an idiot and demand that he would explain himself. It was impossible. She could hardly move, dared not even try to move from the bed. She was weak, pathetic, useless.

She cried hopelessly for the friend she had disappointed, the only friend she had had since her childhood. She felt a blackness in her heart grow bigger and bigger, and soon she was filled with it. It jaded her feelings and her cries died slowly. She lay in the bed, numb and aching at the same time. She knew nothing but the endless pain.