Chapter Nine - Goody Two Shoes I Am Not

I think my betas deserve the holiday off, so I'm posting this without having it formally beta'd. We have a holiday on Monday in the US. For those of you that celebrate it, I hope you have a lovely day.

Many thanks MamaBean for help above and beyond the call of duty in pre-reading.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I love the snark you all put in them. It totally makes my day. Thanks for the tweets (I'm on Twitter at BookishQua), PM's, posts, and recs. Keep them coming. :)

Songs for this chapter:

Goody Two Shoes - Adam Ant

The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails

Bad Case of Loving You- Robert Palmer

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

Snarky Summary: Edward manages to sparkly cock-block Jacob from getting near Bella for some face-to-face action for four weeks. Edward wants a medal for that accomplishment. Bella's health improves. Marcus solves that whole murder mystery for the mortals. Edward works with her on his, I mean their, college plans. My bad. He manages to persuade Bella to marry him through use of his mad game dastardly kissing skills. The end. Kidding. Not.

Things you need to know from past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows.

Jacob Black is a tool who is working the "I'm your best friend (*insert vomiting here*)," tactic to break up Bella and Edward, so far without much success. Edward, with the assistance of his minions of mayhem, has convinced the pack that he (and Aro) worship Satan (AKA Dark Master) and that he has chained the pack's souls to their familiars. Paul is all kinds of hysterical about this. Seth, gets over his fears when Emmett takes him out for a night of debauchery and teaches him how to recognize the scent of a female orgasm. Through observation. Not that kind. Degenerates. Marcus has come up with a plan to help rid Edward and Bella of Jacob without making it look like Edward is responsible for said plan. Edward has just given Bella the engagement ring and is basking in her presence. And so we begin.


Late the following afternoon, I put on a tie, polished my shoes, and showed up at Bella's house. Douglas was on my shoulder, offering me moral support.

She opened the door nervously, twisting the ring on her left hand. I held out my hand so Douglas could greet her. "Hey Douglas," she whispered and stroked his head with her index finger. Douglas' tail did a happy dance swaying in the breeze.

"Best wait out here," I warned my friend. With a supportive cheep, he scurried into the bushes and quickly found a perch in a nearby Sitka Spruce tree. I saw Gus lurking in the forest. He waved a paw for good luck. I was going to need it, I feared. Would it be unforgivably rude to just snap Charlie's neck if he proved to be difficult?

"Come on in." Bella spun on her heel so quickly she began to fall. I caught her by the waist.

"Careful, there."

Bella tensed in my arms. "Sorry. I'm just a nervous wreck," she confessed.

Her father had his nose stuck in the newspaper and had not noticed the engagement ring of his only child. Crooks in Forks should quiver in their boots at the keen powers of observation of this man.

I waded into the proverbial lamb's den. "Hello, Chief Swan."

He grunted in response and turned a page in the sports section. Bella cleared her throat and glared at her father. Charlie lowered his paper and said. "You two are just standing there. What gives?"

"I'd like to talk to you if you have the time."

Charlie put the paper away when Bella stared at it meaningfully. He looked all of six years old, taking in a few longing glances with a protruding lower lip before he put it up. I sat on the sofa holding Bella's hand. It trembled in mine. Gently, I stroked her palm with a finger. That earned me a tremulous smile.

Despite that impressive career in law enforcement, Chief Swan immediately began to panic. Mentally, his thoughts were words to the effect of, "Oh, God, by that defensive pout on his face, he's going to tell me that he's knocked her up. I just know it. My poor baby girl."

I cleared my throat. "Chief Swan, I have asked Bella for her hand in marriage and she has consented. We are going to be married in a month." There. I said everything I needed to. Efficiently.

Charlie was not expecting this. "Why the rush?"

"We plan on living together during college and I will not disrespect Bella by doing so without the bonds of matrimony. I love her." That earned a fleeting smile from my dear little nervous one. She mouthed back to me, "Love you more." Charlie watched the exchanged and rolled his eyes. Bastard.

He stared at me for a moment, long enough to make both Bella and I uncomfortable. I was the semi-reformed mass murdering predator in the room, couldn't his survival instincts kick in for once and have him show the proper level of respect? I made Ted Bundy look like an amateur.

Charlie thought, "Well, they haven't mentioned a baby, and if she was pregnant, Bella would not be able to hide it. So I won't embarrass her by asking. But I'm going to have to pull out the serious questions for this Edward kid." I was not a juvenile goat. I awaited the Charles Swan inquisition with bated breath.

He expected the first question to break me. "Son, how are you even going to afford to be married?" Better than you, bucko.

I passed him a bank statement. "I have three million saved in my checking account."

"You have a checking account?" He spluttered and held the paper up to the air to see if it was a forgery. As if. Had I been dumb enough to forge it, I guarantee you I would not have used shoddy workmanship. Jasper was the best in that department. As if the veritable metropolis of Forks had to deal with forged bank statements on a regular basis. Who trained him? The Keystone Cops? And why exclaim over me having a checking account when the amount in it should have caught his attention?

"I have a savings account, too," I added as an afterthought. Bella blanched at Charlie's reaction. Perhaps I had been too conservative in offering figures? I did not want her father to think that she'd live like a pauper. While Charlie read over the statement, I used vampire speed and texted Alice for advice. She was better at this talking business.

Charlie had a vein pulsing in his forehead. I wondered if he was going to require medication. "Do you have three million in that account, too? Jesus Christ!"

"No. More. Is that a problem? I'm quite good with the stocks." I texted Alice to see if I could empty another savings account. Would twenty-five million be enough to satisfy him? She seemed to find that premature and suggested that I not share that figure. Humans could be so confusing. Especially the Swans.

"Is this some kind of prank?" Charlie looked around suspiciously for a crew with a camera to explode out of the hallway and announce to the world the extent of his idiocy. He thought, "He's fiddling with his damn phone while explaining to me how adult he is. How fucked up is that?" Oops. Reluctantly, I put it away.

"I would not joke about such a thing with you." I sniffed. "Especially since we are discussing Bella's welfare."

"Edward, do you really have that much money?"

"Actually, I have more. But I thought that would do for a start. My late family left me well off when they died. My financial advisers," that would be Alice and Jasper, "have managed to increase my wealth through sound investments. Bella will never have to work." Bella squeezed my hand, "unless of course, that is her wish." I beamed at her and kissed her hand. Bella looked like she was going to faint. How was she distressed by the fact that I had money? She confused me so.

Then Charlie had to go and stick his foot in it. "Edward, I think you and Bella should give this time. Just a few weeks ago, she was dating Jacob." I stilled. My nostrils flared at the mention of that cretin's name.

Bella bristled, "Jake and I are just friends, Dad. We never dated."

"Sure looked like it to me from the way you two make googly eyes at each other. Jake seemed to think so too." He crossed his arms. Jake wouldn't run away like this kid did at the first sign of trouble. He's good people even if he was a moron about poor Renée's head. Bells would be happier with him. Billy and I always dreamed of our families being together.

It was a good thing I did not have my phone in my hand. I would have pulverized it.

The distress of my beloved caused my temper to soar. Bella wiped at her eyes and sniffed. "I'm over eighteen, Dad. I'm getting married in a month because I want to. You can be there or not. Carlisle can always walk me down the aisle. Let's go."

She stood. Gritting my teeth to keep from blurting something honest, I nodded at a spluttering, red-faced Charlie and escorted my love out of the house. Much to my distress, she burst into tears as soon as the door closed behind us. Which disturbed me. Bella was not one for crying. Perhaps I should rethink that keeping-her-father-alive business? As quickly as I could while pretending to be human, I escorted Bella into my car and drove away before Charlie could pull his skinny backside out of his lounge chair.

She kept crying. This was bad. My hands squeezed the steering wheel. I even drove the speed limit to comfort her. I was tempted to turn the car around and teach Charlie Swan some manners. I pulled the car over in front of Jessica Stanley's house and pulled Bella into my lap.

Jessica peeked out the window. "What the heck are they doing making out in my front yard? Gross!" she thought.

I ignored the dingbat. I only just avoided shuddering as Jessica began to fantasize about me trailing butterfly kisses across her bare chest as she laid on her front lawn. Her fantasy then moved to me tearing off her jeans, revealing a magenta thong, rolling around on the damp lawn, and crushing the snapdragons they had planted along the sidewalk. Gross, indeed. That woman was delusional.

Bella laid her head against my chest, pulling me away from Jessica's hellish fantasy. I wiped away her tears. "He will come around, Bella. Alice told me that she sees him escorting you down the aisle."

"Really?" She had a note of hope in her voice.

"Really." I kissed her forehead. "He is simply doing what a father should and looking out for your welfare."

"He doesn't have to be a total jerk about it. And that stuff about Jake was wrong. I never dated him, Edward. You have to believe me. I wouldn't lie about something like that. I can't figure out why my dad did."

"Bella, I do believe you. Jake is no fan of mine, and if you had dated, I guarantee you he would have been sending me all sorts of images about it."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Jake's a little over-protective."

No, he was simply an ass. But she'd soon learn.

"As for lying, your father is seeing what he wants to see. He's not being dishonest on purpose."

Bella stilled in my arms. "Edward, why are we sitting in front of Jessica Stanley's house?"

"I wanted to comfort you, and this was the first place I could pull the car over. Is that okay?"

She leaned forward and whispered, "Don't be obvious about it, but she has her face pressed to the glass of her bedroom window watching us." I glanced and sure enough, she did. Jessica's nose was squashed in an excellent likeness of Miss Piggy.

"I guess that means we should give her a reason to stare. Wrap your arms around me and make sure she can see your ring." I loved the gleam in Bella's eye. Even better, she was totally fine with engaging in inappropriate displays of public affection for spiteful purposes. I kissed her for a minute. Because I am munificent, I even gave her time to breathe, and then deposited her in the front passenger seat with an inappropriate leer or three that made Jessica squeal. "We should go. Her mother just joined her. Even I have my limits."

I sped away into the twilight trying not to laugh as Mrs. Stanley asked her daughter, "Were they having sex in the car in front of our house?"

"I just don't get what he sees in her. I'm so much cuter. Besides, I have bigger boobs." Jessica wailed. She left out the inane personality, buck teeth, frizzy hair, and body odor problem. Definitely a keeper. By sixteenth century standards.

Once we arrived back at the house, I pulled into the garage to get out of the pouring rain. The night had become chilly. An ill timed gust sent a shower of frigid water over the two of us. Bella had her arms crossed, rubbing them to create friction.

"Come on, it's not that far to the house. Alice turned the heat up." My phone rang. It was Carlisle.

"Yes?"

"Alice said we should give you two privacy. The house is yours for the night."

"Good. Thank you." I ended the call.

"Where is everyone?"

"They all went out for the night. We have the house to ourselves." I explained.

I went into the bathroom, and started running the water for a bath. Bella loved that tub. I hoped this would put her in a better mood.

"You've water started for a proper bath."

She leaned up and kissed me. I could feel the salt from her tears against my skin. "Thanks for putting up with me when I'm so whiny."

"You are not."

"Am too." She giggled. "I sounded like a five-year-old just then."

"Go, bathe. Feel better." I gently pushed her toward the bathroom. Her back to me, she crossed her arms and took off her damp shirt. Thanks to my immortal nature, I could not have a heart attack. Slowly, she unhooked her bra and shrugged out of it, tossing it to the floor. My mouth became dry. I loved the curve of her back. I wanted to run my fingers over it.

Without taunting me further, she went into the bathroom. I could hear her removing the rest of her clothes and sighing as she slipped into the water. I sat on my couch and took off my shoes and socks and contemplated the virtues of chastity.

While Bella bathed, I took out my phone, and after a second or nine of contemplation contacted the second most vicious person I knew. For a favor. She owed me. The most vicious was Victoria, who was inconveniently at the moment, dead. She probably would have had some choice words about this Charlie situation. Something along the lines of recommending I find out if he tastes good with a dash of Tabasco sauce.

"Need you in Forks," I typed.

"Oh, baby," she fired back.

"Not like *that*, you demented harpy."

"You have no idea what you're missing, oh virgin queen. And I think the comma goes after the *."

"Some things should remain a mystery. And I'm straight, thank you very much, despite your harassment. Don't toy with my grammar."

"What do you need? Aside from a good fucking?"

"Watch the language. Bella's father is against our marriage. He made her cry today."

"Sorry if I offended your virgin ears. What does he want? You're an awesome match. Even I would marry you. Maybe."

"Her to marry the son of his best friend. A shapeshifting dog."

"Ew. She'd need a clothespin over her nose to do him. And lots of disinfectant."

"Quite."

"What do you want?"

"Humiliations galore."

"For the dog? Irina would be happy to help."

"I have him handled. Bella's father could use your attention. He's the local police chief. He needs to change his attitude about his daughter."

She asked, "Can I kill him?"

"No."

"Turn him?"

"Defnitely no. He'd be the stupidest vampire ever."

"Seduce him?"

"That would be acceptable, although I suspect you'd be very bored."

"Never underestimate the entertainment value of imbeciles. Can I sick my sisters on him?"

"If you like."

"Goody. I'm totally into handcuffs. See you later. And tell Bella I said 'congratulations and welcome to the family.'"

I felt much better. Charlie had made my beloved weep on what should have been a momentous occasion. He had earned whatever Tanya was going to do to him. Even better, he was never going to see it coming.

And it was about time my dear little one had some payback. I walked into the bathroom. She was leaning forward in the tub, thinking, her chin on her knees. Her eyes met mine. They were red from crying. I took off my shirt. She gulped.

"You're taking your shirt off?" Bella's eyes widened, her mouth shaped into an o. She looked scandalized.

"Are you complaining?"

My hands went to my waistband of my jeans.

"Heck, no. Mind if I watch?"

They soon pooled at my feet.

"Way to go taking my mind off my problems, big guy."

I feasted my eyes on her glorious body. I had imagined her naked so many times. The reality was so much better.

"Want some company?" Said the spider to the fly.

"Sure." Her voice cracked.

Her eyes bulged when I stepped out of my shorts and into the tub.

"Edward, you're going to kill me with that thing." She knew how to flatter me so. How I loved my dear little gawping one. I didn't mean to brag . . . But she had reason to be impressed.

"Relax, we're just going to bathe. Let me take care of you." I sat behind her, and massaged her shoulders. She had her hands covering her chest protectively.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"They're small." The sincerity in her voice broke my heart. How did she ever get the idea that she was not good enough? Oh. Right. Me. I had to fix this.

I wrapped my arms around her upper chest, careful to mind my manners, and stroked her clavicle with my fingers. I loved the feeling of her warm skin. "You are everything to me, and perfect as you are. Why would you think less of yourself?"

Flustered, Bella muttered. "Um, well, for starters I'm not big like Jessica Stanley."

"Thank heavens. If you had Jessica's chest on your frame, you'd fall over." I left off the, "More than a mouthful is wasted space," comment. Too crude. Honest. But rude. I kissed the top of her head. "I'm not interested in anything Jessica has to offer. I only want you." I began tracing small circles in the knots on her shoulders. She was so tense.

"That feels so good," she sighed, pulling her hair out of the way, leaving her back bare.

I picked up her body wash, squeezed some into a loofah, and began slowly washing her back.

This being married business was going to be so much fun. I could hardly wait. The hopefully-not-killing-her-while-making-love part could have to come later. I kissed the side of her neck.

"I love you, Bella Swan. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for letting me be yours."

She tilted her head back, wrapped her arms around my head, and pulled me down for a slow kiss. And yes, I totally appreciated the view. Sue me.

"Back 'atcha, Edward."

Half an hour later, I carried her from the bathroom to our bed. I had the good sense to lock my bedroom door, and my family had the excellent manners and healthy sense of self preservation to leave us alone to take the newborn mob deer hunting in Canada. Bella put on one of my long-sleeved shirts over some panties, and I wore some sleep pants over my boxers. We were decent.

I pulled the covers over us and turned off the light. She nuzzled against my neck as I stroked her back.

Bella kissed my throat and whispered, "I needed this."

"Me, too." I had managed to prove to myself that I could be around her when she was naked without becoming a slobbering animal.

I could feel the curve of her lips against my skin as she smiled. "We should get naked more often." Evil woman.

I started thinking of all things vile, like of skunk-basted Jacob Black's face, in order to keep certain delicate parts of me behaving like the gentleman that I was most decidedly not, and avoid that chomping on the neck business. Right now, my love needed me to be strong for her. And I was happy to shoulder the burdens of life with her at my side.

My phone chirped with an incoming text. Wrapping an arm around Bella's waist to hold her in place, I leaned and picked it up from the end table and read, "Hey, Hot Stuff. We are getting into the car now. Will be in Forks soon. Can't wait to see my favorite virgin. Spank you later." I erased that text for fear of Bella misunderstanding it, and turned my phone off with a smile. Tanya and her sisters were on their way. Marvelous.

"Who was that?" Bella raised up on her elbows and traced her nose across my cheeks. The other ones. It felt fantastic. I might possibly have whimpered.

"Oh, just my cousins from Alaska saying they were coming for a visit."

"The crazy sex-starved ones?"

"Correct."

"God help us. What is going to happen when we get them in the same room with Aro and Marcus? Didn't they execute their mother?"

Oops. Forgot to consider that.


So, if you were Tanya, what would you do to torment Charlie? Please review, it inspires snark.

References

Meet Miss Piggy: http:/images (dot) wikia (dot) com/muppet/images/9/9b/Miss-piggy (dot) jpg

This is Tabasco sauce. http:/www (dot) tabasco (dot) com/main (dot) cfm