Reactions and Revelations
The next day Madam Pomfrey came back again to check on Harry. She checked him over again and gave him two more potions. He was beginning to thinkall potions were meant to taste bad. The first one was for his fever that was being very persistent. He was used to taking that potion though so it wasn't as bad. But the second for healing his broken and shattered bones made him nearly spew everything back up again.
"Harry can I talk to you privately for a moment please?" Poppy asked after she handed him a glass of water to rid the taste out of his mouth. She gave Mrs. Weasley, Ron, and Hermione pointed looks when they looked reluctant to move. They looked irritated but soon they were filing out of the room. Once the door clicked shut he stared at her questioningly.
"Harry I talked to Severus Snape this morning and he notified me of some possible other injuries you might have sustained. And I figured you would rather the others not find out right away. I will simply give you a potion and that will be the end of it until you are ready to talk to someone."
"Ummm….. Madam? What is the potion for exactly?" he was sure he knew what she was talking about, but he didn't want to believe she knew. Or that Snape knew.
"It is not true that more than one death eater…..violated…..you?" he instantly flinched at the words. They sounded so much worse out loud then in his head. It made it sound as if really was broken. She saw this reaction and her face immediately softened.
"Look, I've dealt with this sort of thing before with other patients during the first war. It's difficult to some to terms with. It'll take you a while to come back to your old habits and mentality. But what will help more then anything is to talk to one of your friends. Maybe not right now, but in the near future hopefully." His face was red and his breath laboured. His whole body shook at the thought of what they did to him.
"Potter please tell me you'll open up soon?"
He looked down at his hands and nodded his head slightly.
" Good. Well then for now take this potion for the…physical after effects. Would you like me to send your friends back in?" She asked while gathering up all of her supplies. He nodded again and shot back the potion quickly. But ironically this poition tasted like fruit and cinnamon. 'Apparently all potions taste bad afterall'. But this wasn't one he hoped he'd never need again.
She left the room and a minute later Ron and Hermione walked in and took their normal seats on either side of him bed.
"Where's your mum gone?" he asked Ron, slightly disappointed that she hadn't come back in.
"Oh Madam Pomfrey is telling her how to change your bandages and when to give you potions and stuff." Harry nodded and then Hermione, eager to know what happened when they left, asked,
"So what did Madam Pomfrey have to talk to you about?"
He knew they were going to ask but it didn't make him any less irritated.
"Nothing. Just letting me know how I was healing up. That's all." His tone was annoyed.
"But why couldn't she just say that in front of us? Why make us leave?" she just never knew when to back off and leave it alone.
"I don't know Hermione. She just couldn't okay?" he snapped sharply. She looked like she was going to argue again but Ron cut her off.
"Merlin Hermione, give it a rest will you? It was obviously private so just butt out okay? Harry gave Ron a gratefully glance and then he blocked out the rest of their bickering conversation. He started letting his mind wander which was a bad idea. Soon he was back to thinking about Sirius and Remus. He thought about Dudley and the torture he went through. How did Snape even find out about what they did to him? 'They probably bragged about it when they became conscious again'. What if he tried to use it against him. Would he bring it up during classes? Surely he wouldn't risk getting in trouble with Dumbledore would he? Merlin he hoped not. He felt embarrassed, violated, and broken. If it got out what had happened…he shuddered when he thought of what his friends would think. They would think he was disgusting and vile. He bet Sirius and Remus were turning in their graves. He meant it figuratively however. Sirius's body was yet to be uncovered from the veil and Remus was not yet buried. The thought of them being disappointed made his eyes swell and an uncomfortable burning to start in the back of his throat. But he had cried to much already. He had embarrassed himself in front of Ron already, and he wasn't about to do it again. He had to think about something else fast before they noticed….
"Harry? You okay mate?" he heard the voice from a far distance it seemed. He didn't answer though.
"Harry." It was Hermione this time. The voice came clearer this time.
"Huh?" he finally looked up and looked into the concerned faces of his two best friends. They gave each other knowing looks before Ron started speaking tentatively.
"Are you okay? You looked like….you were going to…cry…or something…" He was slightly uncomfortable with the words it seemed.
Harry looked down at his hands avoiding their never ending gazes.
"I'm fine. Sorry. Just let my mind wander to far I guess." His voice was soft but not shaky like it would be.
"It's okay to let yourself feel Harry. Its all part of the process." 'of course' he thought.
"The process Hermione?" he was getting angry now. "And you would know all about the process now would you? What would you understand about it? Not all things can be explained in a book Hermione. Have you ever had all of your parental figures ripped away from you? Do you know the emptiness in your heart that it leaves you with? Ever watched a friend die in front of your eyes? Do you know the endless nightmares that you get from that? Did you ever have to drag your cousins dead body down a hallway just so he wouldn't be torn to shreds by deatheaters? Have you ever been captured by death eaters, starved, tortured and ridiculed for weeks? HUH HERMIONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? Do you know what its like to wish you were dead just so it would be over?" She had tears pouring down her face and Ron simply looked outraged. Yet if he was mad at Harry for yelling at Hermione or at the death eaters, Harry couldn't tell. Perhaps it was both.
"Have you ever been controlled and possessed by the man who killed your parents? I wanted to die in there Hermione! It hurt so bad I actually wanted to die. And coming back here to find out that the last person I really had who could take care of me is dead! He was murdered by someone who was supposed to be his best friend. And now you're telling me that I'm dealing with it exactly how the 'BOOK' says I should?" his shoulders slumped and he layed back down on the pillows behind his back. He was breathing raggedly after his rant and his breathes were painful. He looked over to where his friends now were standing and then suddenly felt very guilty. Hermione still had tears falling down her face and Ron was staring blankly at the wall above Harry's head blankly. He didn't know what was happening to him. Why was he suddenly so angry at them? Sure he had been through a lot, but he wasn't really mad at them was he? He couldn't have a repeat of last year. He couldn't push them away like he did before.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, voice scratchy from yelling, "I'm sorry Hermione I didn't mean it. I don't know what's wrong with me." He sat back up and felt tears starting in his eyes again. ' Bloody hell not again'. she looked at him through her own tears and then got a stern look on her face.
"Don't be sorry. Of course your mad and upset. Anyone who's been through what you have would be mad. I just worry about you. That's all." She leaned over and took him into her arms. Feeling a female around him made him feel a lot safer, so he let himself sag against her. Before he knew it, the shirt underneath his face was becoming damp and he was shaking again. the hands rubbing his back were soothing and calming, but when rougher hands added to the mix, he froze completely. The hands were bigger and stronger. More masculine. Immediately his mind was back in the cell. Male hands were rubbing, pulling, stabbing, choking, undressing him and he could do nothing else but let the panic take control.
He jumped out of Hermione's arms and scooted to the end of the bed in a tight ball. He was shaking harder now and letting out occasional whimpers of fear. Everything went silent and Ron and Hermione, shocked, just watched, unsure of what to do. Ron broke the silence first,
"Harry?" Harry let out a half gasp, half sob, "Harry come on. What is it? It's just me and Hermione. You're okay. You're safe."
Slowly Harry came back to the room and felt instantly ashamed. It was only Ron and now he'd feel bad about making Harry freak out. He continued shaking but lifted his head to look at Ron. In his panic he hadn't even noticed hitting Ron. But as it was, there was now a large black bruise forming on the side of Ron's jaw.
He felt so ashamed that he couldn't even control him emotions. He couldn't react normally to his friends trying to comfort him.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I felt your hands and freaked out Ron. M'sorry." His head lowered and tears dripped fast down his face and onto his knees.
Ron slowly walked over and put his hands up in a mock surrender position when Harry eyes him wearily.
"It's only me. I'm not going to hurt you I promise." He looked over at Hermione who looked completely frozen.
"Hermione? Can you give us a sec?" she nodded and then hurried out of the room.
"There see? It's just you and me. It's alright." Harry let out a sigh that turned into a sob and then put his face into his knees again. Ron hesitated for a moment when he saw Harry freeze, but he continues forward anyways grabbing Harry's head and lifting it to meet his eyes.
"Hey it's okay. It's not your fault. I'll never hurt you okay?" Harry nodded shortly and then rested forward on Ron's shoulder. Ron slowly brought his arms up and wrapped them protectively around his shoulders and back. There were no tears soaking through his shirt, but he felt Harry trembling and that was worse. He was terrified of Ron. He would rather have had Harry sobbing all over him once again then be terrified of him. Those death eaters messed up his head. Ron didn't know what they did to make him so terrified of being touched. Surely they only used their wands right? They wouldn't resort to using muggle methods would they? But then why was he only reacting this way to Ron? Hermione had hugged him too and it didn't gain this kind of reaction. It wasn't until Ron had touched him that he freaked.
"Harry?" The only response he get was a muffled grunt, as his head was still buried in Ron's shoulder.
"Why did I scare you? You didn't get scared when Hermione touched you. Did I do something wrong?" there was a pause were neither of them said anything, but he felt Harry tense up even more.
"What did they do to you mate?" again Harry flinched but still kept his silence.
" Please Harry. I just want to help you. Earlier this summer you weren't talking to anyone but me. You can still trust me with whatever it is. I won't thin any differently of you. I promise." The more Harry thought about it, the more he knew he could tell Ron. He had been through everything with Ron by his side and he had never judged him. He could tell Ron. He trusted Ron. He took a deep shuddering breath and simply said,
"Everything." Ron was confused.
"Huh? What do you mean?" Harry sighed and lifted his head to meet Ron's eyes with his own. Harry's eyes were filled with desperation and pain and Ron was shocked.
"What did they do to you?" he nearly whispered this time.
"They did everything to me Ron. They… they…" he faltered. Maybe he couldn't do this.
"But they only used their wands right?" Harry shook his head slightly still making eyes contact. His eyes were pleading with Ron to understand so that he wouldn't have to go into anymore detail.
"They got physical too….. in more ways then one….." he said the last part so quietly almost as if he didn't really want Ron to hear it after all. Ron looked thoughtful for a moment before Harry could see the understanding and horror dawning in his eyes.
"You…. You mean to tell me… no they didn't. they wouldn't. Harry please tell me they didn't do that to you?" he was pleading for Harry's sake that it wasn't true. Torturing him was bad enough… but to do that to him? They couldn't have…..
