Haylie practices scales on her saxophone in her room when Jeff enters.
Jeff: Haylie, will you keep it down? I'm making a crank call to Principal Show
Show: on phone Well, as a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You've spared me quite a bit of spoilage: thank you anonymous young man.
Jeff: D'oh!
Haylie: It's my room, and I can do what I want.
Jeff: Oh yeah? Well I can do what I want in my room. Walks off into his room, starts kicking the wall.
Haylie: Jeff, quit it!
Jeff: reading "Bad Boy's Life" I can keep this up all day.
Haylie heads to the garage to play in peace, but Punk is already there.
Punk: Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. holds drill to it, with hammer poised above it Now, easy...easy...hits it; it smashes Hmm...I'm going to need a bigger drill.
Inside the house, Maria colors with some magic markers while Mickie
reads a romance novel. She begins daydreaming about being on a ship
with a tanned, muscular fellow.
Mickie: My, these seas are certainly heaving.
Pirate:Well, no more than your bountiful bosom, sly milady.
Mickie:laughs rakishly Does that earring mean you're a pirate? refers to earring in pirate's right ear
Pirate:Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted. And only in the sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be – Haylie starts playing her sax Ooh, such noise! Well, I'm done for the evening. [Marge comes back to reality]
Mickie:Mmm! Haylie, stop blowing my sex. I mean, stop blowing your sax, your sax. Stop it.
Haylie:Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band and I've got to practice!
Mickie:I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time.
Even Maria can't stand the noise: she plugs her ears with pacifiers.
"Fine, I'll play outside," Haylie says sullenly.
the sound of Haylie's saxophone can be heard outside
Hunter: Hey, what—that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet. You know what that means, kids!
Evan+Alex: Yay! Judgment Day!
In Miss McCool's class, the children are writing a quiz.
McCool: Forty-five seconds till pencils down.
Miz whispering Haylie, what's the answer to number seven?
Haylie: whispering Sorry Miz. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Miz: pause My cat's name is Mittens.
Miss McCool counts down the last three seconds until pencils down as the class groans.
McCool: Now, here's an oral extra-credit question. What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America?
Haylie: puts her hand up Ooh! Ooh!
McCool: Anyone besides Haylie for a change?
Miz: Puts his hand up Ooh! Ah!
McCool: nonplussed Miz, this better not be about your cat.
Miz: puts his hand down Oh.
McCool: Oh, all right, Hay—
Layla: Columbus was looking for a passage to India.
McCool: Correct, Layla! And on your very first day in our class.
Layla: And, during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America.
McCool: Yowie…
Haylie: I never made Miss McCool "yowie"…
At lunch time, Haylie approaches Layla, who is seated on a bench eating a sandwich.
Haylie: Hi, Layla, I'm Haylie Brooks. Oh, it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight year old level.
Layla: Actually, I'm seven. I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade.
Haylie: You're younger than me too? Look worried, starts breathing into her paper lunch bag
Layla: Are you hyperventilating?
Haylie: No…I just like to smell my lunch. Gee, I never met anyone who's skipped a grade before.
Layla: I'm surprised you haven't been skipped. You're obviously smart enough.
Haylie: Well, I'm sure I could have, but, heh, I'd hate to leave behind my wonderful friends.
Tori: walking up Out of the way, brain queen! Pushes Haylie over
Haylie: chuckling sheepishly Hey Tori. Well, I got to go. I have to practice for band auditions.
Layla: Me to! Hey, what instrument do you play?
Haylie: The sax.
Layla: Me to!
Haylie: I'm going for first chair this year.
Layla: Me too!
Haylie: Wow! Disingenuous We have so much in common, I'm sue we'll be the best of friends…
Layla: Me too!
Haylie: yeakly Me too…
In the car, Punk eats a slice of pizza with both hands while Jeff steers.
Jeff: Hurry up and finish eating!
Punk: You're steering fine, boy. Hard to the right!
Jeff: Oh!
Punk: Hard to the left!
Jeff: Oh!
Punk: Cat! Deer! Old man!
Flair: diving out of the way Aah!
Punk: Jacknifed sugar truck! Gasps Sugar? Skids to a halt; some old guy stands outside the truck
Punk: Don't worry buddy. Here's a quarter, call for help at the nearest phone. I'll keep on things here.
Old Guy: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir walks off.
Jeff: Punk, that was downright decent of you.
Punk: We've hit the jackpot here! White gild. Texas tea!...sweetner.
Punk shovels sugar into the truck
Jeff: Dad, isn't this stealing?
Punk: Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot" Since I don't see him around…start shovelling!
Punk fills the car all the way up, which gives Jeff trouble breathing.
Back at home, Mickie continues her pirate daydream.
Mickie: sighs dreamily
Haylie: Mom?
Mickie: What? What?
Haylie: Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?
Mickie: I dunno honey, I guess that's the school's decision to make.
Haylie: Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been "nicer" to Principal Show, if ya know what I mean.
Mickie: Haylie!...I am nice.
At the dinner table that night…
Mickie: Punk, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
Haylie: It hurts my teeth.
Punk: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! Holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar" Mickie, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar to Jeff, sly in the forest to Mickie that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of one dollar per pound.
Mickie: But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound.
Haylie: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
Punk: Those are prizes! Eats a mouthful Ooh, a blasting cap.
The day of school band auditions arrive. Justin, the foreign exchange student, plays his mountain horn.
Mr. Swagger: It's your turn, Drew.
Drew: steps up with tambourine, hits it once Unh!
Mr. Swagger: Hmm, someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard.
Drew: Yes! Walks off, hits Truth in the head with tambourine
Truth: Ow! My lute! He drops it, breaking it
Mr. Swagger: not caring Mm hm.
Mr. Swagger calls Haylie up to audition for first char, saxophone. Haylie plays a little ditty, tapping her foot to the beat.
Mr. Swagger: Mmm, very nice. Now, Layla, also trying for first chair saxophone.
Alison steps up and plays something slightly more difficult-sounding.
Mr. Swagger: Oh, this is a very difficult decision, girls. You're both very good.
Layla ups the ante and plays some more up-beat jazz, to which the assembled audience of children claps.
Mr. Swagger: Well, I guess that clinches that—
But Haylie responds in kind with her own up-beat improvisation. The children applaud her, too.
It turns into "Duelling Saxophones" with Haylie and Layla playing over each other trying to outdo each other as the children get up and dance. They both hold a long loud note and start turning red; Haylie loses her breath and passes out, falling off the stage.
Haylie: opening her eyes
Mr. Swagger: Oh! That was a close one, Haylie, but you made it.
Haylie: happy I won first chair?
Mr. Swagger: No, you regained consciousness. Layla got first chair.
Haylie: screams, passes out again. Opens her eyes Oh, it was just a dream…
Mr. Swagger: Oh! That was a close one, Haylie, but you made it.
Haylie: happy I won first chair?
Mr. Swagger: No, you regained consciousness. Layla got first chair—and believe me, this is not a dream!
Haylie: screams.
