She'd rolled onto her stomach at some point of the night, and awoke face down, Zevran's still, dead weight on her back a clear indication that she wasn't going to be able to move without waking him. It was quiet, the sound of horses, people and birds outside a clear sign that the storm was over and morning was upon them.
She was very sore, and not even just in an intimate way. Every muscle ached, and she was bewildered as to how she could have hurt so many of them. Reality hit home with such force that she closed her eyes again with the enormity of it. She was supposedly pregnant, now. She wondered how she hadn't completely freaked out over that yet. Or why she wasn't now, even. She realized that until this moment, with this man on her back and his smell on her skin, it hadn't felt real. She'd always been a breath away from waking, back in – wherever she was from. But she was still here, very sore, very much awake, her heart thudding and her stomach churning with queasy fear and stress. She made herself take deep breaths, slowing her heart, making herself think. It was okay. So she was going to have a baby. As far as she could tell, she was with friends, looked after. She didn't have a former life to mourn. And yes, she would have liked to have chosen who the father would be, but that was in someone else's hands now. She tried to imagine what a child she had with Fenris would look like, or Anders, or Zevran. It was a blur. A good portion of the previous night was, Fenris' brutal passion, Anders' gentle, human warmth, Zevrans practiced sensuality.
She needed a bath. And probably a good deal of alone time. She couldn't fathom facing anyone today. Even the men of the previous night – in the cold light of morning she didn't know what she would say to Zevran, how he'd behave towards her. Surely most of the night before had been his standard behavior towards a woman he was having sex with? She could feel her own inexperience unsettling her, making her doubt herself. She wondered, not for the first time, how mush sexual experience she'd had before last night. Not much, surely. She was shy, uncertain about her body, but on the other hand, she had gone down on Fenris, and was relatively sure she'd done that before. Her face bloomed to life. She'd voluntarily done that. Having spoken four words to him, total. How could she possibly look him in the face? She remembered with a sickening lurch of horror the blood on her thighs, on his thighs. Oh, god. Yes, she was certainly going to avoid Fenris for a while. Anders was a softer, gentler memory, and she felt herself relax into the recollection of the feel of his chest hair, his stubble, his eager, heartfelt kisses. No, Anders had been lovely. He'd make a good father, she thought. She wondered if humans and humans procreated more or less easily than human/elf pairings. She also wondered how long she'd have before she knew for certain if she was pregnant. She knew next to nothing about pregnancy. At least Anders would know. That said, she wondered where she could get some books on the subject. There were things she'd rather learn for herself, and she mightn't have much to do otherwise.
There were footsteps outside, and a very soft tap on the door. Zevran tensed, immediately awake. The voice beyond the door was Hawkes. "No rush, Zev, but I'm going to need you downstairs soonish."
Zevran made a soft noise of assent, and Hawke's footsteps faded away, evidently satisfied. He sighed sadly into her back. "A rude awakening. I am sorry."
"That's okay." She shifted gingerly, her muscles protesting. "I was already awake."
"See, in the future, you should just shove me. You'll be able to lie comfortably without some oaf lying on you." He shifted off her, pulling her onto her back beside him. She stifled the wince of pain, but he was sharp, regardless of how tousled his hair was. "Oh, pet. You must be feeling it this morning."
"I am."
"You need a long bath. Which I was looking forward to having with you." He propped himself up onto an elbow, not touching her, his eyes giving away nothing. "Hopefully another time."
"Perhaps."
"You seem uncomfortable."
"And you aren't joking around."
"It seems inappropriate when you look so out of your depth. Don't wake up besides strange men all that often, then?"
"I suppose not." She folded an arm across her chest, holding the blankets to her. "I'm not sure – how to behave. It's not even really a once off thing, is it? It could result in a baby."
His face was sober, and he nodded once. "Is that such a terrible thing?"
"You aren't the one who has to give birth to it." She snapped, and immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry."
"I don't offend easily." He lightly stroked the side of her face with his knuckles. "Bear in mind that other arrangements can be made if you find you give birth and have no attachment to the child. You are not tied to being a mother eternally."
"I – I'd have to at least try." She shook her head, clearing it. "The idea of being a father doesn't worry you."
"No. I always thought I would be, at some point. If it is with a creature as lovely as you? All the better. I know we have all been – pushed into this, but do try and look at the positives. You are with good people. We will help you all we can. The child surely cannot help but be unbelievably attractive." He thought for a moment, dark eyes contemplative. "And I promise you, I won't let harm come to you. Whether you carry my child or no."
She looked up at him, golden and beautiful in the morning light. "Thank you, Zevran."
"Thank you, Princess." He pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead, sensing her tension and discomfort. "I must leave you. Duty calls. I suspect you might be grateful for a chance to be alone."
"Yes. Probably."
He gave her an odd look, amusement with a touch of regret. "Yes, well. I won't intrude on you any longer than I have to." He rolled over, sliding out of bed to walk naked around to where he'd left the majority of his clothes. She hadn't seen all of his tattoos clearly before then, and she was mesmerized by how they shifted over the muscle. He looked like the statue of a god, the V-shaped wedge of muscle low over his abdomen heartbreakingly perfect. She looked away, the stab of emotion in her gut disturbing. He was pulling his tunic over his head when she looked back, smoothing his hair with a long hand. He padded back to the side of the bed, hesitating before sitting on the edge. "You're disturbed." He said. She opened her mouth to deny it, stopped by the look of uncommon seriousness on his face. She swallowed.
"This is all a lot to take in."
"I hope you will not hate us for it before the sun goes down." He said soberly. "When you soulsearch today, try and remember that we are all as powerless as you." He stood, moving away from the bed. "I will see you later, Princess."
She folded her arms over her chest, suddenly cold. "Stay safe, Zevran."
Anders had been dreading Zevran's entrance into the parlor, imagining some kind of gruesome spectacle where he'd smugly saunter in, wink at Hawke, stretch out on the sofa and generally act like a pig. When Zev did appear, Anders was startled – and a little concerned – when he seemed quiet, subdued. And a good deal less impeccably groomed than he usually was. Anders was very conscious of Hawke's eyes on the pair of them, or else he would have gone straight to the other man and asked what his problem was. Aveline was aware of the situation – Hawke had explained it to her – but she was also so focused on the task at hand that she had no interest in what had or hadn't transpired. "Oh, finally. I was wondering when you were going to emerge." The Captain hooked a gauntlet into her belt, flicking her green eyes around the group to ensure she had everyone's attention. "Right. We have a smuggling ring operating out of the western edge of Sundermount. I'd like the break into smaller groups and come in from a few sides."
Hawke nodded. "I'm going to take Merrill and Isabela. Aveline, you can have Varric and Anders. Zevran, I was going to give you Bethany, but to be honest that makes me nervous."
There was a chuckle from Varric and Zevran managed a smirk. Aveline was considering the group, eyes narrow. "A slight reshuffle, then. I'll take Bethany. Anders, you can have Zevran."
Anders sighed. This might be awkward. "Sounds fine."
Merrill was watching Zevran and Anders with unsettling intensity. "No Fenris?" She asked, her soft voice curious. "Isn't he well?"
There was a moment of silence, and Hawke flicked a quick look across at Anders and Zevran. "No. He's occupied today. We'll do without."
"It'll be a far sunnier trip, then." Varric said drily. We should have a picnic before we come back."
"Be nice." Hawke said mildly. "Let's try and make this quick and clean, shall we?"
"With maximum casualties." Isabela said happily, cracking her knuckles. "I've been itching for some bloodshed all morning."
Lily emerged from her bath very carefully, toweling herself off gingerly and limping back to her lounge room lacing her dress closed in front of her. She found her bedroom had been tidied in her absence, her small collection of gifts set by the lounge chair, the fire built up. She bounced back in fright a little when a dark haired, ferociously bearded dwarf emerged from the linen cupboard. He blinked at her. "Good morning, mam! A pleasure to meet you. You would have met my son, Sandal, I expect."
She relaxed. She knew about Bodahn in theory, at least. "Ah – yes. He's been very helpful. And you must be Bodahn."
"Right and correct, mam. We're to see to your comfort. The master and mistress are out at the moment, and you're free to have a look around as you see fit. The Master has asked me to remind you not to leave the premises, however. It's a dangerous city."
"I'd gathered that." She wasn't going to make that mistake again. "Is – anyone home?"
"Just meself, yourself, my son and Orana the maid, at the current time. Business calls away the others."
"Oh – right." She was relieved. She didn't want to face anyone, for a while at least. She hoped the limp would have settled a little by the time she got back. "Bodahn – if you don't mind – is there somewhere I could get something to eat?"
He looked horrified. "Mam! I apologize. We were planning on having your breakfast here when you awoke, but the Master forbade it. Sandal should be bringing it up in a moment."
"Oh – right." She was rather glad that Hawke had decided to keep the dwarves out of her bedroom until Zevran had left. "Thank you."
"Not at all, Mam. If you need anything, you can ask meself or Orana. Sandal is a good lad, but he's not really a talker." He turned to leave. "There's some warmer things in the cupboards, Mam. Warm in here, but the rest of the house has higher ceilings."
"Thank you, Bodahn."
He gave a polite nod, toddling out. She turned her attention back to the book, the knife, and the silver pot on the table – the only things she felt comfortable handling. She picked up the knife, rolling up a sleeve and attempting to strap it to her arm. It was difficult one handed, and she had to sit down and wedge the sheath between her arm and thigh to anchor it as she played with the straps. She stood again, flexing her wrist as it shifted into a more comfortable position. It felt good. The pommel of the blade sat against the inside of her wrist, cool and heavy. She smoothed her sleeve back down as Sandal barreled in the door, happily carrying a tray of food. "Enchantment!" He told her chirpily, and she sighed. "Yes, thank you, Sandal. Just over there is fine."
Zevran and Anders had spent the majority of the rocky, cold trip up the side of the Sundermount in silence, and it frustrated Anders to the point where he made a noise of irritation, and turned on Zevran. "Zev. It's completely uncharacteristic for you to be so quiet."
Zevran raised an eyebrow. "You seem tense, friend."
"I am! I'm worried."
"Not about my wellbeing, obviously." He gave a deep sigh. "I left her awake, sober, and as far as I could tell, with the cold reality of her situation sinking in. She is otherwise well."
"Oh." Anders was relieved, but cautious. "So – it went okay, then."
Zevran smiled, properly, amused. "Are you really asking about how my night of debauchery went? I warn you, if we discuss it, you will have to reciprocate."
"Ah – no. I don't really need to know. Sorry."
"Come, friend. What's really concerning you? You've been as spiky as a hedgehog all morning."
"I just – I feel bad for her."
"Why, did you give her reason to?"
"Did I – Zevran!"
"What? It went well, didn't it?"
Anders glared at him, mortified that he could feel his face reddening. "Not that it's any of your business, but – yes."
"Then what concerns you?"
"You know she took swampbloom before Fenris, right?"
Zevran nodded idly. "I could taste it. So it would have kicked in whilst you were there, then."
"I assume so. I worry about how much was her, and how much was the drugs."
"Ooh. You have feelings for our princess."
Anders looked away, irritated. "I didn't say that. I just take sex more seriously than some people, that's all."
"You make some very broad assumptions about me, friend." Zevran said mildly. "May I suggest spending some time with her before you come to any conclusions?"
"That's obvious. What I wondered was – how do you feel? Is this going to be something that becomes a problem later?"
Zevran considered, eyes narrow. "I am not the problem at hand, Anders. If she decided she wants something more tying with one of us, then it is up to him to decide how to proceed. I am not going to turn into a monster if that man is not me." He raised an eyebrow. "I am curious. Are you planning on having this conversation with Fenris? May I watch?"
Anders shrugged that off. "I don'tthink Fenris wants anything to do with her. I'm not concerned."
Zevran looked speculative. "I think you may be overlooking things. Least of all her. She is an active part of this, remember." He looked away, down behind them. "Hawke's coming around east. We'd best speed up."
