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A year later...

"Aww, come-on Belle! Don't be such a spoil sport! We're laaateee!" It was Beth. This year Beth was old enough to partake and a guy actually asked her to be his 'date'. Whatever that would lead to I could only guess. She was in the clouds. We were on our way to the Conrad's house. I didn't want to go, but mom said Beth could not go if I didn't. It was sort-of blackmailing me. I feared to go. The royal family would arrive again, like last year. I didn't want to think of it. It hurt every time. Sometimes I couldn't breathe, like that time at the ball. Since that day it was as if I didn't have emotions anymore. Mom and dad had me gone to several physiology sessions, but it didn't help. Cathy was happy to see me. She also had a 'date'. They had met last year and had been going out unofficially for some months. That would explain why she didn't complain too much when I didn't visit her as often as I used to. In fact for the first two months I didn't visit her at all. We spoke on the phone sometimes, but that was it. When the vamps arrived, we were to go and greet them. I steeled myself. The sooner I get it over and done with, the better. Alistair and his wife was there and some others, but I didn't see Esme or Jayden. I felt very disappointed, but then composed myself, greeting them as politely as I could.

"You look well,"Almira was saying. It was only because Cathy had done me up before they arrived. The make-up must be doing their job. Usually I'm quite a mess. The sweatshirt I wore hid the fact that I was very thin.

"We've been hearing good things about you," Altair added. I just smiled and thanked them. As soon as politeness allowed I left. Beth would be sleeping over. Mom suddenly 'gave in'. I was supposed to stay with her. Maybe she hoped this would help me move on.

That night it took very long before I could sleep. I ended up moving my furniture around, so that my bed had a view out the window. It was full moon tonight. I remembered how William always made fun, howling when it was full moon. No werewolf slept when it was full moon. I missed him terribly. No one knows what had happened that night. I knew it was Pete, but he and his friends were never seen again. I had a photo of William and me enlarged and had stuck it to my wall. The bracelet he had given me never left my wrist. It didn't change when I changed shape. I had already mastered the art of being selective to what changes and what not. It was therefore visible around my paw in wolf form as it was around my wrist. I had been trained in the months that had passed. The elders didn't wait, since my 'spectacular' display in the ballroom. I had unusual strength and speed, even for a werewolf. I could have brought the whole building down if I wanted. I had a lot of anger, and learnt to live with it in a way. I developed a greater interest in music, playing the electric guitar. Sometimes I blasted on Mike's drum-set, Cathy's boyfriend. We had formed our own band. He plays drums, I the guitar, and Cathy the keyboard. I wrote music and we practiced it together. I never focussed on the source of my anger, though, the pain… I chose to not feel. I did my guard duties and proved reliable. The elders were pleased with me. Mom and dad were proud, though I knew they still worried about me. You can fool friends, but you cannot fool family, well, at least not my family.

After deciding that my furniture had enough exercise for one evening, I plunged myself down on my bed. I was still not sleepy. I paged through a boring ladies fashion magazine, which usually had me falling asleep in no time. I picked up another book Beth had left in my room. I read the title Twilight. "Goodness, no!" I said, dropping it. Why does everything always have to remind me? I resorted to my last option, taking the bottle of sleeping pills from my bedside drawer. I've been hiding it. Mom wouldn't like it. I took three out. One was enough to knock a human out cold.

"That should do it," I said to myself and swallowed. Thirty minutes later I still sat wide awake. I played around with my cellphone for a bit. Gosh, am I going to sit up all night? I shook out the other pills. There were six left. I put it back. It can't be very healthy, I knew. Then slowly I started feeling sleepy. Finally sleep claimed me.

I didn't feel too bad the next morning. I noticed that I had been tugged in. Did mom come and check on me? I wondered. I got up, dressed myself, brushed my teeth and went downstairs. I heard voices from the kitchen.

"You have no idea what hell it has been this past year. At first she didn't speak, refused to eat anything. She threw everything around in her room, breaking most of her things. We had to force-feed her…it was not a pretty sight. She just kept saying he doesn't love her and that she wanted to die. She tried killing herself twice, but thank goodness, failed. Now she does everything that is expected of her. She does her guard duty, she learns her lessons faithfully and exceeds in whatever she does, but there is no spirit in her. It's like she's a machine…just existing. There is no emotion…sometimes she would cry when she thought no one would see…she sometimes woke up screaming…you have no idea how awful it is…" It was mom relating the story of my life to someone. I wonder who? I counted to three and walked in as casually as I could. I couldn't hide my surprise when I saw Esme.

"Esme!" She stood up, smiling.

"Hi, Belle! Long time no see?" she hugged me. I hugged her back.

"I didn't see you yesterday, so I thought you hadn't come this year."

"No, I only arrived this morning. Roland left yesterday for Spain." That explained why she was late. Ah, sweet love. I tried not to dwell on the thoughts that threatened to enter my mind.

Mom had left the kitchen in the meanwhile. Esme held me at arms-length from her, looking me up and down.

"You look terrible."

"Thanks," I said levelly. My cami and boy-shorts didn't do anything to hide my skinniness or the mark on my arm that I got from accidentally bumping into my mirror table or the marks where I had tried to cut my pulses, but being a werewolf meant I healed up rather than bleeding to death. I had broken the mirror last year, and refused to have mom and dad fix it. She studied my face and looked into my eyes, then pulled me against her. "I'm so sorry about everything." She must have seen the shadows under my eyes.

"Why, it's not your fault," I said without emotion. I knew I was being an ass, but I didn't exactly feel like little miss sunshine this morning.

"I suppose you wouldn't want to go shopping with me?"

"Sorry, I have guard duty at two."

"We'll be back before then. Come on!" Her enthusiasm made me give in.

"Fine, let me just get my shoes."

We strolled through many shops and Esme bought a lot of stuff, even for me. I didn't buy anything. Nothing interested me. I tried to look interested in what Esme was doing, even trying to make some jokes, but it sounded dull in my own ears. She kept chatting cheerfully. I knew she was trying to help me.

"Thank you, I had fun," I said with a weak smile when she dropped me that afternoon, "I guess I'll see you at the events tomorrow. I'm playing in the band."

"Really? Cathy said something like that. I would love to hear you sing."

I hadn't asked about Jayden and she never talked of him.

This night I was again counting glow in the dark stars against my ceiling. I shook out three of the six pills that was left and swallowed them. I plucked some strings on my unplugged guitar and sang some verses by myself which I wouldn't sing in front of an audience, ever. I was feeling quite depressed, and my music always reflected my mood.

Later I opted for other artists' songs. "I just want to scream and lose controoool, throw my hands up and let it goooo, forget about everything and run awaaaay, yeaaaah, I just want to fall and lose myseeeeelf, laughing so hard it hurs like heeeell, forget about everything and run awaaaay, yeaaaah…" That was a piece from one of Avril Lavigne's songs. Then I remembered it was the same song I had been doing my little skip thingy down the corridor the day Jayden first came to visit. Damn… I dropped the guitar like it was burning me.

A single tear managed to slip out before I sunk away. I've not cried again since that night. Not at William's funeral, and never thereafter. Again, the next morning, I found I had been tucked in again. I asked my mom about it, but she didn't know anything about it. Perhaps she was afraid I'd totally freak out at her tucking me in like a little child? Was it perhaps Esme? Why would she sneak into my room at night to tuck me in? It doesn't make sense.

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