Here we go! Finally beginning to update! Thank you for being patient and cannot wait to hopefully entertain.
Chapter 9
"Sir, you sure you want another scotch?"
"...Just the one," Mycroft instructed and sighed in his chair by the warmed fire place. Still he had not come to a solution of Shay and the drinks did not help give him a better solution either. It was a mixture of desiring to see her again and hiding away like a coward. The coward he was. Hurting her and pushing her away rather than give explanation. Why would she ever want him back?
Shay meanwhile was in her room, considering what she was going to do about Mycroft and how she was going to confront him about what happened. She sipped her wine, mulling it over in her head as she finally decided to confront him in his own office. She steeled herself, not caring she was just in her sweatshirt and jeans, going down the hall to knock on the door.
The knock. It was if someone was knocking on his heart and Mycroft swallowed and neared the door, opening it with a shaky hand.
"Yes, ah, Shay. Hello. You, um, like to come in? I can have someone bring you something if you wish."
She stepped into the office, looking around. The office was very Mycroft, very rustic.
"Thank you. But I wanted to talk to you. Perhaps-" Her courage failed her, "Perhaps I could use a drink." She said, indicating to the scotch. She took a deep breath, wondering how to bring this up.
"Yes of course," the maids at this point brought another glass and left the bottle with them, the two facing off in their cushioned chairs across from each other. Mycroft had his hands clasped and held near his face in thought, leaning forward slightly as if ready to close a deal.
"What would you like to discuss Shay?"
"I think you know what I want to discuss, Mycroft. It has to do with last week." She said gently, taking a drink, wincing at the strong alcohol, but drank it all the same for liquid courage.
"I know what happened last week was rash but you really hurt me. And I just wanted to sort out with happened from your point of view?"
"From my point of view... my point of view..." Mycroft mumbled with a soft laugh at the idea, "You cannot imagine my life from my point of view." The words tumbled out before he could grab them and saw the small look of hurt on Shay's face. This was ridiculous. He was ridiculous.
"I am sorry... I should not say such things, how could I imagine your life. The difficulties and the hardships are different on the surface but complex to solve regardless. I believe I care for you Shay and it's why I push. I push the people I care about because becoming attached can be weakening and it causes pain. It can be a disadvantage because others will exploit caring and feelings, pull the strings to make you dance and twisted."
Shay considered this, looking down at her drink.
"Then I'll counter that with a question. Do you think that you're the only person who pushes people away? Do you think you're the only person hurt by caring?" She said, waiting for an answer. But at this point she was too angry to wait, "I'll tell you what exploiting your feelings looks like. It's having a child by the man you hate more than anything but having to stay because your child needs you. It's being offered a home with a mad man but it's only person in your life who was welcomed you into their home. It's about starting friendships with elite bankers only to steal their money in the end," She said, finishing her drink in one gulp. pouring herself another.
"So, don't tell me what being attached causes. Because I can tell you the positives just as well." She leaned over, "The truth is, I'm scared too. But you can't just push someone away like that. You're clearly ignoring your own feelings and it'll eat you up inside until you're a bitter, bitter person. I should know." She said, taking another sip of her drink.
"I don't know your life and I won't pretend to, unlike you have in the past. But I know that you can't go on like this, pushing people away."
For awhile Mycroft merely stared into his drink, swishing around to observe the colour splash around the rim, close to spilling the edge yet keeping control so it did not. This Girl, more correctly this Woman, though lack of an education had a sound point and argument. For a number of years before meeting Moriarty, Shay had been clever enough to keep herself alive so he had to give her credit for that.
'She can still leave though. Find someone more suitable or be tempted by the snake to return.'
'I do not believe her behavior will turn her into that direction, not after the ordeal her and her daughter had to endure.'
'Still every time you cared for someone, merely touched them, what happened? The smallest sentiment.'
'They died...'
'What about Father?'
'Heart attack when I was speaking to him on his death bed, explaining how I might be able to manage the Holmes accounts.'
'Mother?'
'That was not my faul-'
'Down the stairs.'
'It had been an acci-'
'Sherlock. You let him jump from the frying pan to flames. His killer was under your watch and you let him go. You told him everything about Sherlock to merely make him talk, to merely fulfill. Your. Goals.'
Shaking his head and swallowing, Mycroft sipped at his drink and half heartedly stared back to Shay.
"Yes... yes I can go on like this because I have done it before, it's become natural to me by now Shay. Really, there is someone else who is better for you. Someone to protect you, love you ten times more than I can. Holding onto you would be selfish, it would blot you out of my life. I would rather know you alive than love you dead."
Shay nodded, willing herself to keep her face neutral. "Mycroft, I ask you, what is this then. If this is not protecting me and Alex what is this? Hmmm? Keeping us around so you feel better about yourself or something?" She poured herself another drink, sipping it again.
"It's not selfish to want to be around someone. You aren't holding us prisoner or anything. You're just helping us." She shook her head, "I honestly don't want anyone else," She said quietly, not meeting eyes with him, "And if I didn't care enough, I wouldn't tell you all of this. I would just leave you here in this office to grow into a bitter old man who has no one.
"No, I know that isn't what you deserve. Even when you were questioning me, I wouldn't want this fate for you or anyone else. To be alone. I won't pretend to know what you did to make you think you deserve this, but no one could do anything terrible enough to not deserve love," She said, swallowing down another gulp of her drink.
"Besides, do you really think I can't take care of myself? I've managed to stay alive this long, haven't I?" She noted.
"No, no doubt in my mind that you cannot, it's just- ... it's not that I did anything to not deserve love, I just think I was born to never earn it or understand it. I am letting Sherlock do that, I am trying to live it through them and still- I-... when I cared people were hurt, Shay... please why do you not understand! I was born to be alone! When Sherlock came along my parents' affection went to him and I hold no grudges against them or him for it. It just was never meant to be," Mycroft bit his lip and his hand was growing unsteady in the glass.
"At the hospital- at the hospital it was just rushing at me and I did not know what to do or what I was doing and you are just there. There! Standing and the dinner party and just- just- I lost it, it's too alien and unfamiliar, I cannot wrestle with it or understand it and I believe it was because I was never meant to. The too many times I tried blew up in my face and life was easier to sacrifice sentiment to the monster that kept me under its thumb. The Ice Man, all the more appropriate, even my own career is something unnoticeable, people do not know I exist or what we have had to do to let life continue on as normal as possible. I was a lost cause from- from the beginning Shay..." his voice said quietly and almost cracked to say her name.
Shay heard the crack, losing it as she reached over to touch his hand, knowing this was a bad idea but she couldn't let him suffer in silence.
"I don't see a lost cause," She said gently, stroking his hand, "I see a man who's cut himself off from love so badly that he doesn't know what to do. It's just a reminder that you're human. And it's okay. It's okay to feel, it's okay to have strong emotion. It is. And people know you exist. Think of Hamish, Sherlock, John. They love you. I can see it clearly. But you don't open yourself to that and it's so tragic." She said, her sympathy for this man rising. She just wanted to reach over and hold him but she could stop herself from that.
"Mycroft, you deserve so much more than this." She said gently, her thumb gently running over his knuckles. "You're such a beautiful person and you deserve to know that you can be loved unconditionally."
Run. No. Running is all you ever known. It will hurt. She will be hurt. Either way you will hurt her.
But which is more painful. Does the risk outweigh? Logic-
Setting his drink down beside him, he covered her hand and felt everything stop. It was occurring again, the rush and small sensations that would tingle like small explosions on him. Mycroft's hand drew hers to his chest and he clung onto it as if it had been the most precious object to him.
"Why... why can I be loved unconditionally I just- ... Shay... I am so scared of the black curtain that dangles before me, the sick mixed feeling of jealousy and anger when I observe Sherlock and his family. A son, a partner. Mummy and Dad... god Shay... please...".
Shay couldn't take it anymore, rushing to hold him, holding his head to her chest, her arms around his chest as she made noises under her breath, the same ones she usually made when Alex was hurt.
"It's okay. This is all okay. Just let it out." She said, one hand stroking his hair, "Mycroft, you deserve so much. You deserve all the love, all the devotion you could possibly get. Just because Sherlock is younger or your job is far from ordinary, doesn't mean you aren't like the rest of us. You deserve to love, you deserve to cry, you need affection, just like everyone else." She soothed, straddling his chair, practically in his lap so she could hold him.
"Even If I'm not the one to give you that love, that affection you need so much, I want it so much for you." She whispered.
"But- but what if I want you too..." his voice strained, "I know you said previously..."
"Then you can have me. I'm here, aren't I? It's okay, I'm here." She whispered, holding him tighter against her. But this wasn't about her. This was about fixing a very, very damaged part of Mycroft. For now he didn't need her. Well, he needed someone to tell him that he was okay. That he deserved love. She kissed the top of his head, trying to indicate all she could that she loved him and wanted him to feel love.
"I think you are beginning to melt me..." Mycroft whispered and held tight, this smaller body keeping him grounded as his breaking point was crossed, "What have you done to me? Is this how it feels Shay? Is it really?"
Shay chuckled at him, putting her head on top of his. "I-I think so," She said quietly, reveling in the feeling of his arms around her, "It's okay, just let it out." She encouraged, "I'm not leaving," She reassured him.
"Oh! Here, so we have more room," gripping tight, Mycroft picked Shay up and moved a few paces forward until he placed her in front of the fireplace. It was lovingly warm; Mycroft lay on his side and rested his head on her knee, hugging it as well. A few more tears were sliding out so he curled into a ball slightly, clinging because Mycroft was afraid that if he released her that he might wake up.
"Honestly Shay, I said horrible things to you because I thought it would protect you, but I do like you. I wish to see you happy; I am interested in becoming acquainted with Alex and just start at being part of your life if you would let me. May I? Even if it's for another five minutes, I'll treasure it, I swear," Mycroft stated as he stared into the fire.
Shay only stroked his hair, letting him cry against her jeans.
"Of course, only if you want to." She said as her voice cracking.
"I'm not mad at you for what you said. I can see it hurt you too. I just want you to be honest with yourself." She said, caressing his face. She reached down to kiss his cheek.
"I love you," She said quietly, her face over his face as she held him on her lap, gently touching him. The light of the fire warmed her considerably, Shay feeling a surge of warmth from more sources than one. She felt so comfortable she bent down, laying her head on his shoulder, humming a small tune that she remembered from her childhood, something she hummed to Alex.
"I want to be a part of your life too. Oh so much." She finally said, her hand stroking his hair.
"Here, this is wrong," he murmured and wriggled up, their positions switched so her head rested on his knee, though carefully Mycroft pulled her up so her back was flush against his front. Sitting in front of the light there seemed to be no other way he could have drawn her further to himself, his nose resting on the top of her head. The smell of the crisp shampoo he had provided them wafted into his nose and massaging one of her arms with a thumb caused him to appreciate her smoothness. Every detail, every small trait illogically screamed perfection at Mycroft.
"Then let's be in each other's life, darling Shay my lovely girl... I still do not deserve you."
Shay wiggled on his knee, reveling in the feeling of being so close to him, so warmed by his touch. She squirmed, getting to her own comfortable position, curled up into a ball.
"I would really like that, handsome." She said, reaching her head up to kiss him on the lip quickly, laying back against him, her hair spilling all around her but she didn't care, letting him touch her. In this moment, she didn't think she could ever feel so content in her life, just laying there with him, feeling his warm touch on her, everything about this moment made her want time to stop.
"And I don't want to hear that. Not deserving me. You aren't being kind to yourself." she said, reaching her hand over to caress his face. "You deserve so much more, darling." She said, her thumb gently rubbing at his cheek.
"What of Alex?" he suddenly remembered, "Shouldn't you see her off to bed soon? She still afraid of any nightmares?"
Shay shook her head. "Sherlock tucked her into bed with Hamish. She has someone there with her. She'll be fine." She said, not wanting to break the warm cocoon she made for herself.
"I see, this will not do either, but...um... Shay..."
She raised her head, her mind in a comfortable daze. "Yes?"
"Ok then, this way," scooping her up, Mycroft carried her to a bookcase and pulled at one book, the rest of the bookcase splitting in half. Inside was the lift of an elevator, "For privacy or escape" and ascending them, opened to his room. Gently as ever he tucked her under the covers and slid in next to her, again holding her tight.
"I do not expect anything I just- I do not want to be alone, thank you Shay. I do not- ... there are no words then," he concluded.
In her haze, she vaguely knew that they were going up an elevator, all she really knew was she was holding on to him around the neck, letting him carry her. The room they went into looked rustic again, but impersonal. Almost like a personal decorator was just allowed to go to town.
By the time Shay let herself be tucked into the blankets by Mycroft, she was half asleep, weakly kicking off her socks.
"No, this feels good" She slurred, moving in closer to him, holding on to him. "Feels good to sleep next to someone else." She slurred. "Thank you, Mycroft." She admitted, reaching up to kiss him, gently kissing him as she moved in closer to him, her legs intertwined with his.
"Stop thanking me, I'm the one to thank you," Mycroft smiling truly for the first time in a very long time, too long. His hand tucked her head under his, and the rest of locked in place with the rest of his body. The man was utterly amazed about the probability of one being with another would literally fit together so well, carved out for each other. Mycroft did not want to go to sleep, wanting this to last and form long memory and recorded her details. The fiery hair dim in the dark that had fallen over Shay's shoulders, strong legs hugging againt his, the arm resting around his middle and the soft lips that made him realize truth.
"Good night Shay, love... my girl..."
Shay nodded, already close to sleep. "G' night, handsome." She slurred, falling asleep next to him.
