Title and Registration
And
now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here I
rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
---
April 14, 2004
Greg shouldn't still feel so bad about this. He shouldn't feel like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and reinserted a few times. He should feel fine. Normal, even. There's nothing that says he should feel terrible about a break up that he knew was going to happen.
He still doesn't sleep. Not like he used to. It might be that his sheets still smell like Nick even after three washes, it might be that his couch is terribly uncomfortable. Frankly, Greg doesn't give a damn. When he can't sleep, he can't dream, and when he can't dream, he can't dream about Nick. Even if he's drinking enough coffee to kill a small mammal, at least he's not waking up wishing Nick were with him.
Sure, he's had his share of heartbreak. Everybody does at some point in their life; Greg's obviously no stranger to that. But most people don't have to deal with heartbreak that they did all themselves. A guy doesn't just break up with his girlfriend, or in this case, boyfriend, because he feels like he needs to wallow in pain for a while. There's always a reason, and the more Greg looks back on it, the more he realizes how stupid of a mistake it really was.
They had something. Obviously, they weren't perfect. Obviously, they both had issues. They're human, they make mistakes, and they face consequences. Cause and effect. Every action has an equal but opposite reaction, whatever. And okay, maybe he shouldn't be comparing their relationship to Newton's third law of motion; maybe Murphy's Law is better. In hindsight, 'everything that can go wrong will go wrong' seems much more fitting. Maybe that's just the pessimism sinking in.
Greg's sick of maybes. He wants answers, but if Nick didn't give him answers while they were together, why would he now? Nick really doesn't owe him anything, even if Greg wants him to. Even if Greg feels like every minute he's not sleeping is because Nick couldn't talk to him, couldn't even pretend for five seconds that there was something keeping him from being happy.
He talks himself in circles now more often than he used to. He used to be calmed by it; it got him from wrong to right just by eliminating all it wasn't. Now, he talks himself in circles and ends up with more questions than answers. He wonders if it's always been like that, or if it's something that Nick brought out in him.
Archie seems to be the only one to notice anything's changed in him. Maybe Greg's more cautious around Jacqui and Sara, worried that they're going to catch on, so he makes himself that much more bouncy and energetic. Archie. Archie, who probably could have gone into psychology if it weren't for the fact that he's perfectly at home in the A/V lab. Archie, who can just look at a photo and find something that three CSIs have missed for the last hour. Archie, who wasn't even introduced properly before he became Greg's favorite lab tech. Honestly, Greg never expected Archie to be able to see through him when the women at the lab couldn't. It's not that Archie's dense, just that he's male, and guys tend to either ignore or not notice this kind of thing.
"Lemme guess. Five days without sleep."
If it was anybody else, Greg would have cracked a joke. But Archie is easily the most understanding person here, and if any of his friends are going to understand without trying to really help, it'd be Archie.
"Five days."
His laugh is humorless. He turns around, ignoring his coffee in favor of hearing what Archie has to say. Never mind that Greg's about to sleep where he's standing. "So is there a reason you can't sleep, or are you going for the world record?"
"World record, obviously," Greg says as he turns back around and finishes pouring his coffee before joining Archie at the table. They're silent for a few moments, Archie continuing to page through the magazine about home decorating in front of him.
"And it wouldn't have anything to do with Nick, right?"
"Of course not."
"Right." Archie closes the magazine, stands up. Greg thinks he's gotten out of this far too easily. "They don't make pills, you know. And if they did, they wouldn't help."
Greg clenches his fingers and unclenches them again. "I have dreams."
Archie knocks on the door frame and nods his head. "Definitely wouldn't help with that either."
Just as Archie leaves, Nick walks by and stops to talk to him. Their eyes meet for a split second before Nick turns away.
Greg doesn't feel tired anymore. Not in the fatigued sense, at least.
--
April 15, 2004
The next shift, he walks into the DNA lab to find three lab techs and Judy crowded around the main table, talking excitedly under their breath.
"Is there a party you forgot to invite me to?" Greg says as he shrugs off his jacket. "You know, it's just rude to throw a party without asking or informing the host."
"Nick's hand is bandaged," Jacqui says.
Greg catches Archie's gaze before he says, "So? It's not exactly the first time he's gotten a fracture or sprain from having a tough case."
Judy shakes her head. "The last case he worked was a B&E. It's obviously something personal."
"Yeah, I still have security tapes," Archie offers.
"Don't you guys have anything better to do than gossip about whether or not Nick broke his wrist because of a case?"
"Clearly not. And you used to be all over this kind of thing," Hodges says, crossing his arms. Greg groans; he really, really doesn't want to deal with this.
"What the hell are you even doing here? Shift started fifteen minutes ago and there's a bunch of backlog in trace with, oh, get this, your name on it." Greg knows he sounds cruel, but since he's still not sleeping, he thinks he can get away with it. So what if a few of the lab techs think he's an ass? It's not as if the CSIs will talk to him about... it… "Hodges, I'm sorry. Please, come back. Discuss gossip while I try to work."
Hodges looks a little surprised. "Actually, I think I will go back to work." Greg wonders if there's an unspoken rule of if Hodges can't handle someone, nobody can, because the others clear out as soon as Hodges is gone. Even Archie heads out.
Greg must really be hell to deal with right now.
--
April 17, 2004
"Greg, sweetie, you know I love you, but if you don't get out of this rut anytime soon I'm just going to have to come to Vegas and kick this Nick guy's ass for hurting my froggy so much."
Greg blushes heavily at Anita's pet name for him back from his college days, but figures at this point, it's better to ignore. "Don't worry about me so much. I'm fine." A glance around his living room doesn't help that statement much; Greg decides it's best to leave that nice tidbit of information out. As much as he loves Anita, he doesn't need her coming all the way out to Vegas from New York to help him 'move on' by one-night stands or ice cream and romantic comedies for two weeks until her boss demands her back. He can get through this break up on his own. And if he doesn't… he has bigger problems to deal with. "Besides, you have a baby girl with a bad cold, you shouldn't bring her out here. We're exposed to all sorts of diseases and stuff."
Static crackles of the phone and Anita continues with, "Oh, you just don't want me to come out there." More static. "She's much better today. I'm serious, Greg. Felicia's important, and certainly takes the front seat to your petty little problems, but you're important, too. You can't expect me to just sit here in New York on my ass when I know you're suffering." Petty problems. Greg doesn't fight it.
Taking a long drink from the bottle of water sitting on the counter, he tries not to scoff. "This is why I didn't answer your calls for two weeks, Annie. I can pretend all I want around everyone else but you just know."
"It's a mother thing." For a moment, Anita is silent while Felicia coughs and sniffles.
"She sounds so… behaved."
"She is. The doctor was worried about her because she wasn't constantly screaming." Before he can continue, Anita returns to Nick. "Greg, sweetie. Promise me if you don't get closure on this somehow, someway, soon, that you'll take the next flight out to New York and stay with me a while. You know it'll do you good."
Actually, he thinks that staying with Anita will make matters worse, not better, but he appreciates the offer. "Of course, Anita. You have my word."
More static. "Whether or not you'll actually do as I've asked is a completely different matter… Please, Greg. I don't want to lose you over this."
Her words sound like something Nick would have said to him weeks and weeks ago, but he shakes the thought of Nick out of his head as soon as it enters. "You won't. I'm not stupid. I'll be fine." Hearing it makes it sound so final. He really hopes he can keep it together, if not for himself or for the lab, at least for Anita. A glance at the clock tells him he should have been asleep hours ago. "I have to go, Annie. I should've been in bed a long time ago."
"Oh, all right. Call me if you need me for anything. I know you could call your mother, too, but this is what girlfriends are for, my froggy. I love you."
"Love you too, Annie. Goodnight."
When he hangs up, his shoulders feel lighter. Not light like there's nothing left to worry about, but lighter like he's glad there's someone who he can talk to. Greg doesn't actually think he'll need to talk to Anita about it again, unless Nick starts screwing things up, but it's the thought that counts.
