Disclaimer:
remember, I don't own Buffy or any of that jazz….just
enjoy the story, lol.
Author Notes:Thanks for the reviews guys! I can't believe
people actually really like this, I'm rather surprised! Can't make
comments or replies now but will try to do so with your reviews. Sorry
about the wait. I have finals now and massive writers block on how to
carry this on. And I hope this new chapter explains a little bit more
on Faith when she was away from Sunnydale. Again, sorry about the wait
and thank you again to those that feedbacked and PMed me, you do
motivate me :)
Remember that italics mostly mean flashback sequences...
Lost Inside
Chapter 9: Brewing Storm
Buffy and Faith silently walked through the cemetery. The brunette could see the blonde's internal struggle on what to say, to rid of the uncomfortable silence. On several occasions, Buffy had opened and closed her mouth, wanting to say something, only to hesitate.
Faith sighed as she put her hands in her pockets, briefly looking over at the other slayer. Buffy shook her head, mad at herself for not being able to come up with anything to say that didn't remotely sound stupid. She was glad that Faith was here, with her, but didn't know what to say to her…didn't know how to say the things she wanted to. She was confused, with all that has happened within the past few months, she wasn't sure she could fix things…could fix this odd unspoken wall that had formed itself between them.
"Could you really read people's minds?" Faith suddenly asked, interrupting her thoughts. The blonde looked over at her in confusion. The brunette lightly smiled, seeing her confused look, then seeing it change to one of realization.
"Oh! You mean when I was infected by the demon?" she asked, finally realizing what Faith was referring to.
"Yeah, had to have been freaky," the brunette replied, looking back in front of her as she walked.
"Yeah, I mean, at first, it was kind of cool…then not so much," Buffy said as they walked along.
"Heard about that. Sorry that I wasn't there to help," Faith mumbled, feeling a pang of guilt. She heard it had been bad, that it could have driven her mad…
"What? Oh, no Faith," Buffy said, stopping and grabbing the other girl's arm, "It just happened, it wasn't…I mean…"
Buffy looked away from her. Those brown eyes…the same brown eyes that pleaded with her, in this same cemetery, months ago…just pierced through her. And it was her fault that she had left, her fault for hurting her, her fault for not believing her…
"Angel was there, it all came out ok," she replied lightly, looking back up at the other girl. Faith gave her a weak smile, not knowing what else to do or say.
Buffy felt lost suddenly. Realizing she still had a hold of her arm, she let go, dropping her hand to her side before looking out across the cemetery. "It was a little intense, hearing everyone's thoughts…" she stated before looking back at the brunette.
"I could imagine," Faith replied with a nod, as she continued to walk, "Good thing Angel was able to bag the demon, get you cured."
Buffy walked along next to her, just glad that there wasn't an uncomfortable silence anymore. "Yeah," she replied, "Only now, if it were to happen again, I wouldn't have him to rely on."
The last part was mumbled, not really meant to be heard, was spoken more to herself then to Faith, but the brunette heard it. Could hear the twinge of sadness that went with it, and it made her angry, made her remember the conversation she had with Angel about it.
"Yeah…we argued about that," she stated bitterly, recalling the memory.
"What?" Buffy asked, not sure if she heard right and not quite understanding what Faith was referring to. The brunette sighed as they walked, pausing a moment before replying.
"Angel passed through LA when he left. I was glad to see the guy, but when I learned what he was doing…that he left you, left Sunnydale…we had a disagreement."
Buffy was silent as she stopped walking, causing Faith to turn around. "Why?" she asked, looking the brunette in the eyes.
There was a moment of silence as the two stared at each other. Buffy looked vulnerable and lost at the moment and it both pained and angered Faith to see her that way. It all hurt and tore her up inside. Being back, seeing Buffy, dealing with what she was, facing everyone…it never stopped. It never seemed to stop for her, no matter what she did. The feelings she tried so hard to push away were creeping back, haunting her, paining her. And with them came the memories…the hurt…everything. And she couldn't help but think that maybe she deserved this.
Faith looked away, at the ground, momentarily lost. She would never let it show, would never let Buffy see the kind of pain she was still in. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wanted to hate her, hate her for all the pain she had caused her, for the misery she felt. She wanted to blame her, wanted to scream and yell and strike out at her…But try as she may, she couldn't. Maybe it would be easier if she could. She didn't want to care, didn't want to have these feelings…
But she did, and more then anything…she was disgusted with herself. Disgusted and confused. It hurt her to know the blonde was hurting, yet it angered her for even caring in the first place.
She looked back up at Buffy, saw the way she looked at her, waiting, and sighed. "It wasn't fair to you Buffy. You're in the middle of all of this," she said, gesturing with her hands, "You're about to graduate, you're dealing with your life, things were changing, and you needed someone. Everyone needs someone. And you needed him."
She was trying to say it right, honestly, as best as she could. And without revealing too much about herself, what she really thought, in the process. "Not only as someone to talk to, rely on, but to help you. Help you with all the monsters out there," she said as she gestured across the graveyard, "And in here," she added, pointing to her heart.
Buffy was silent, her eyes bearing right into Faith's. It was almost too intense, but the brunette continued, feeling that she needed to hear this. Even though Buffy never really opened up to her in the past, maybe she could learn that she could. Faith discovered a lot of things about herself since everything had happened, since she left Sunnydale. And she had grown to learn more about the world and life around her. It was hard to say these things to the blonde for she didn't want to care, didn't want to be honest…but she couldn't help but want to be there for her, to help her understand…and that care, over everything else, won.
"He understood you in ways that the others couldn't. What you had with him? It was different, it was a comfort, knowing that he was something you could fall back on. That when the world went and changed on you, that he would be there. I know he left to find information, to help find out what's going on, that he would eventually come back and all that stuff. But I disagreed with him," she said as she finally looked away for a moment, looking around the graveyard that surrounded them.
It was getting hard, because in a way, she felt vulnerable in what she was saying. Buffy was that person to her…was what she desperately wanted when she first came to Sunnydale…and it hurt. She knew it hurt. She knew Buffy was probably going through things, and Faith knew how it felt to feel alone. The blonde had her friends, sure, but sometimes…there is just one person that makes everything so much easier…bearable. Everyone relates to one another differently. And Faith felt that Angel was that person for Buffy. In a small way, he was that for Faith, but on a different level. He helped her through some dark times and made things a little more bearable. She only hoped she was making sense to the blonde.
"No one likes to be alone. Even though you might be surrounded by many people, some that you're friends with, even best friends with, you can still feel alone. And I felt that it was wrong for him to leave you here, regardless of what good he is doing," she said as she looked back at her, "No one likes to feel abandoned."
They just looked at each other, and Faith looked away again. Maybe she said too much. Buffy just looked at her with this expression on her face that she couldn't quite place…and she didn't think she wanted to, not wanting to care.
The blonde opened her mouth but was interrupted as something slammed into her side. They weren't alone anymore…
Flashback, a few months ago…
Faith hung her head, not meeting Angel's eyes as she took the mug from him. "Thanks," she barely mumbled, cradling the mug that was given to her as he sat down next to her.
"I like what you've done with the place," Angel stated, indicating the room around them. They were in the basement within an abandoned building. Faith had made it her home since she arrived in LA. It wasn't too run down, still had electricity and running water, and it kept the sunlight out.
Besides some stolen items, there wasn't anything personal reflected in the room. Upon seeing the brunette's eyes earlier, seeing how hollow and lifeless they were, He wasn't surprised. The sight that he had witnessed earlier disturbed him. He had finally found her, but couldn't help but wonder if he could still reach her.
He had been tracking her the past two days. After leaving Sunnydale a few days prior, he had picked up a few leads as to the other slayer's where-a-bouts. Before he continued on with what he had set out to do, he had to find her. He only hoped that it wasn't too late, that he didn't make a mistake in choosing not to leave to find her sooner.
Things had gotten complicated in Sunnydale, and they were all running in circles. Besides what was happening in Sunnydale, Angel was worried about her. He knew all too well how it was when he had gotten his soul back. He had to leave, find her, and then take care of the matter at hand. He didn't want to leave Buffy behind, and felt bad about it, but matters of graver importance were taking place, and he couldn't sit there and do nothing about it.
Faith wasn't doing well, and that was putting it lightly. She withdrew into herself, lost herself in the slaying that she did mange to do, was reckless, more violent, and drank heavily. She avoided any and all social contact that was presented to her. He knew that underneath all the pain and self hate the brunette was feeling, was a storm ready to burst.
She had dusted two vampires that night in the back ally to the bar she frequented. An innocent human girl threw herself at her in thanks, having just been scared out of her mind. The brunette had reacted by pinning the girl against the wall, trying with all that was inside her not to give into the hunger that the demon inside of her wanted so badly.
She hadn't uttered a word since they entered her home, lost in the own recesses of her mind. Angel studied her, watching as she slowly brought the mug to her lips, only to bring it back down, placing it in front of her.
"Faith…" Angel sighed, as the brunette looked out in front of her.
"I could have killed her…" she uttered, void of emotion.
"But you didn't," Angel replied. Faith turned and looked at him, eyes empty. Just like earlier when she had shoved the girl away from her, barking at her to go home. The brunette had stood stock till as the girl ran down the ally. When she had turned around, their eyes had met and the life that used to burn within their depths was gone, extinguished, leaving the person that now sat before him.
"It doesn't matter. There were others…" she whispered, looking back in front of her. Angel closed his eyes, hoping that the brunette hadn't been driven as far as to take any lives.
"You've been starving yourself, haven't you?" He asked, turning to her. She made no reply. "If you void yourself of blood, the vampire in you takes control. It leaves you with no reason, only blind hunger. A hunger that no matter how hard you try to push away, consumes you, becomes you."
Faith only sat there, looking in front of her. "How many?" He asked, wondering just how far gone she was. He had an idea how she felt, what she was going through. He only hoped he could reach her, that she could be reached, that there was still time left.
The brunette slowly turned to him, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. "Two," she stated, looking at him, "And not a day goes by when I don't see them in my dreams, feel the guilt…everything."
The tears, the pain that threatened to break free from the brunette, stayed in her eyes. He could tell how she was holding it all in, about to break, which meant not all was lost, that there was still hope.
"I try to stay away…I tried to…" Faith stated, hesitating before a flush of anger suddenly came over her as she jumped up and took the mug of blood that sat in front of her and hurled it across the room, causing it to shatter against the wall.
"Faith!" Angel yelled as he jumped up and grabbed her arm. She shoved him away from her, her eyes ablaze with such pain and anger. Emotion flared in them that he could see for the first time that night.
"Why!" she yelled as she advanced and back handed him. "Why me!"
Angel just barely turned back to her when she kicked him across the room. "I hate this!" she yelled as she approached him again, picking him up by the front of his coat. She was fast, and Angel barely had time to register what was happening as he was slammed against the wall. Faith glared at him, tears streaming down her face.
"All there is, is all this pain…and hate, and nothing makes sense. I hate what I am, I hate what I have become, I hate everything. And I've tried to forget, tried to make it go away…but I can't!" she choked out, releasing him from the wall as she turned away from him.
"I was so hungry…I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Slowly I became aware of everything around me. How many people there were, their heart beats, the way they breathed, everything…and I felt like I was slowly going mad. I only came out to slay, do my job, whatever that is, and try to wash the pain away…" Faith stated as she came to a stop, her back still turned, "But there was one night…one night when I came across two vampires feeding off of two girls. I dusted the one before he barely got his teeth in too deep, but the other one already started to feed…I could see the blood…could smell it off the unconscious body as I stood there, the dust I didn't even know I caused settling around me. I didn't even realize the one victim had approached me until…until I was already feeding from her. It was like I wasn't even there…there was just this impulse, this need, this total savage hunger that makes me sick…and I, and I fed from the other one too…"
Faith finally turned and faced him. "I've tried to forget, tried to drink it away, tried to be good, tried…" she stated as tears started to run down her cheeks. The storm that had been brewing in her had broken through. Yet she still seemed to attempt to hold it in. They stood silently for a moment, staring at each other before Faith stepped toward him and spoke again.
"And that is why you have to kill me…so I can't hurt anyone else," She pleaded as she reached into her coat and tossed a stake at his feet. "Please."
Flashback to the present…
Faith spun and punched the vampire that rushed her from behind. She should have sensed them before they attacked, but she wasn't paying attention. Delivering a round house kick to the other vampire in front of her, she checked to see how Buffy was doing. The blonde seemed to be managing her vampires fine, having just flipped one upon his back.
The brunette couldn't help but recall when Angel had fist come upon her in LA. She was ashamed to recall those memories, of how pathetic she was and of the wrong things she did then. She fell apart when she left Sunnydale, and slowly had stopped caring about anything. She got reckless in her fighting, even violent, torturing those who crossed her path to inflict some of the pain that had slowly begun to consume her. It didn't take long for word to spread about her, of the deeds she had done. Of things she was ashamed of now.
But with Angel's help, she was able to turn things around. She was still personally sorting things out, but she was back on the right path, where she felt she needed to be. There were plenty of bad things she did within her first few weeks in LA, things she couldn't bare to recall…both out of shame and pure disgust. She wasn't that person anymore. And she was stronger for it. Everyone makes mistakes, hit their low points, but Faith knew better now. There would be no more low points, she had had enough. And for the first time, she felt somewhat content. Not fully, or at peace really, but honestly felt like she was dong something right for once in her life.
As she staked the vampire that she had just kicked against a gravestone, she remembered one person that had witnessed her at her low point in LA…and who tried to befriend her even after seeing some of her faults…
She grunted as the other vampire she had knocked down earlier hit her from behind. She shook her thoughts away, not wanting to remember those that she had left behind in LA. Those that, in some bizarre way, became her friends. She never really had any friends, but in some way, whether she wanted it to happen or not, she had made a few. And it was now, thinking about them, that she felt guilty for leaving behind without so much as a goodbye. It just wasn't who she was. She wasn't meant to have friends. What she did, what she was doing, was meant to be done alone. She didn't need to drag anyone into it.
She wasn't really close to anyone, but it was still awkward and new to her. And Faith came to realize that when she got stuck on something or ran into a problem with what she was dealing with, they ended up being helpful. She liked doing things on her own, but often enough, as she hated to admit, she couldn't do everything. She couldn't help but think of Buffy and her friends, how they seemed to help the other slayer. But Faith didn't have the type of friendship they had. She couldn't…she didn't know how, and she held everyone away from her. She couldn't help it.
The brunette managed to stake her last vampire, turning towards Buffy as the blonde staked her last vampire. "They seem to come in packs, don't they?" Faith asked as the blonde stood up.
"More or less," she replied, brushing herself off.
"Figures," the brunette stated, walking further into the graveyard, not intending to resume their prior conversation. The blonde jogged and caught up to her, walking along beside her. They remained silent for a few moments before Faith felt Buffy lightly grasp her hand.
"Hey," she said, causing the brunette to stop, "Thanks."
Faith looked at her a moment, confused to her actions as Buffy lightly squeezed her hand before letting it go. "For what?" she asked.
The blonde looked at her a moment before speaking, "For what you said…and…for coming back," she said as she paused, seeming to hesitate a little bit before continuing again, "It means a lot to me. And I'm glad that you're here."
Faith started to feel a little uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. But Buffy, upon sensing this, merely turned and walked a few steps ahead before casually turning back to the confused brunette. "Now, if you can keep up with me, there might be a chance for some rib time afterwards," Buffy challenged, causing the brunette to blankly look at her a moment before the blonde grinned and ran ahead.
Faith stared after her before shaking her head, a smile creeping up to tug at the corner of her lips before she broke into a run after the other slayer.
TBC...
