I haven't been here for a while. I'm sorry.

Beauty and the Beast. ...No explanation required. If you have a fairy tale request, please tell me!


I'm rather sorry I've been gone so long. I'm sorry if I have caused you to have withdrawals and spasms. But there are doctors for that.

Anyhow, moving on now.

The American version of Beauty and the Beast is pretty clean cut:

Young girl abandoned by her father in the woods. Finds a castle, decides to go in. Why? Just for kicks. Just to see what would happen. There, she is confronted by magical talking furniture (I think you can see where I'm going with this), and this furniture leads them to their master, who is really a very handsome man in a very ugly body because he insulted an enchantress a few years ago by refusing her shelter from the rain when she was in the disguise of an old woman. Then the enchantress turned into this really pretty woman and turned the man into a vicious, violent, ugly beast and gave him a rose, telling him that when the last petal fell from the rose and he had not found true love yet, he would be doomed to live as a beast for all eternity. At least, I think that's how the story goes.

Anyway, this girl starts to seduce him. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I just used the word seduce. What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Huh? You wanna go?

Okay. Sorry.

So this girl starts to seduce him and she finds out about the whole rose gig and how it means a lot to him. So she tries being nice to him, and when that doesn't work, she tries leaving, but she only angers him and bruises his already cut up ego. So now she's pretty much being held a prisoner in his castle, and all that other stuff. Eventually, the beast sees the error of his ways and sets her free. Now she starts to seduce him again. And this time he lets her.

However, the villagers back at the girl's village decide they want to kill the beast for some unfathomable reason. (Sorry, it's been a long time since I've seen that movie.) So anyway, they go to the beast's castle with torches and battering rams and knives and all that other stuff, and this one guy, he goes up to the beast and is all like, "Later, bro," and stabs him in the back. The beast roars out in pain, (quite a terrifying sound; reminiscent of Renji's morning yawn) and falls down to this balcony thing. The girl runs up to him and kisses him as he's dying, and his hand (paw?) slips from her face in a very tragic moment. She starts crying over his "dead" body, and then this magical light starts surrounding him and he's changed back into a very handsome human. He wakes up, kisses her back, and his servants are all transformed back from their furniture forms into their human bodies. Everybody is happy, blah blah blah. The end.

Ho-kay. If you didn't pick up on the sarcasm, then...wow. You're pretty dense.


In reality, this is the tale of Grimmjow and Apache. Seriously. This is like the first time throughout this whole story where the couple actually seems to make sense. Wait. I take that back. Never mind. I'm being a hypocrite. Ignore it.

Anyway, Grimmjow and Apache's tale was twisted completely around by Disney. Let me tell you what really happened.

Okay, so anyway, Aizen decided to ban Grimmjow from Las Noches because he was being a bad Arrancar and interfering with Halibel's and Ulquiorra's relationship with each other. So Grimmjow wandered around Hueco Mundo for a while, when suddenly he came upon this large palace right out of nowhere! Turns out it was Apache's palace. So he went in (he's not the brightest) and looked around and stuff. And these little insects came up to him and started talking to him in their tinny little voices and led him to Apache. Grimmjow, of course, had not understood the whole insect speech thing, but he just followed them just because he had nothing better to do.

So the insects led him to Apache with the intentions of her killing him, eating him, and leaving them the remains. Apache was in her room, all covered with fur and let me tell you, she was absolutely FREAKING HIDEOUS. But, of course, Grimmjow has odd tastes. He took one look at her and it was freaking love at first sight. I shall never know why.

But anyway, Apache decided that she wouldn't kill him because she liked him at first sight, and then she proceeded to tell him about the thorn bush growing in her backyard and how she had to find true love before the thorn bush sprouted flowers or else she would be doomed to be like that for all eternity.

Upon hearing this, Grimmjow decided that he would never ever kiss Apache before the thorn bush bloomed because he liked the way she looked now for some odd reason. And so he refused her time and time again, and one day the thorn bush finally did sprout. Apache screamed in horror because she was going to be that way for all eternity. Grimmjow smiled.

And then Apache called up her homeskillet Luppi and Luppi came over, held Grimmjow down with tentacles, and Apache proceeded to rape him. Multiple times.

Grimmjow giggled.


I'm sorry. That was mentally scarring, I know, but it is quite true. Grimmjow...was the Beauty (gag) and Apache...was the beast (understandable.) Somehow, the idea of Grimmjow dressing up in a yellow dress with a poofy skirt just doesn't appeal to me. If it appeals to you, then...I think...you should see a psychiatrist.

I'm not gonna gag, I'm not gonna gag, I'm not gonna - Oh crap. I need to go now. I'm about to throw up the mashed potatoes and pot roast I had for lunch.


And so were the stories of Bleach that nobody ever bothered to tell before. And everybody did (NOT) have a happy ending.

The End.