A/N: Trigger warning for rape.
"How do you feel today?" Dr. Charles asked once the waiter had come and taken their order. Erin had asked if they could meet at one of her favorite diners for dinner instead of getting coffee. She hadn't been eating much but she hoped she might see something that jumped out at her. After almost fifteen minutes of staring at the menu, Erin had just ordered a small side of fries. "You look tired." He commented as he took in her appearance.
"I didn't sleep last night." Erin mumbled as she picked at her fingernails. After dinner, she and Jay had been relaxing on the couch and something had set her off. She didn't even understand what had had made her so anxious but her heart had raced and she hadn't been able to sleep once she calmed down. She had started watching Food Network and was fairly certain she might eventually be a decent cook from all of the tips and recipes she saw.
"What happened?" Dr. Charles asked with a concerned look in his face. He knew that part of recovery from rape was having trouble sleeping but Erin looked like she hadn't sleep in weeks.
"I, I honestly don't know. My heart just kept going and I felt incredibly scared. I don't know what made me scared." Erin said honestly. She didn't recognize this new, frail person who apparently was scared by the act of sitting on the couch.
"It's okay. Can you tell me more about your symptoms?" Dr. Charles pulled out a small pad of paper and a pencil. Erin nodded as she took a big swig of her water followed by a steadying breath.
"It feels like my heart is about to beat right out of my heart. I can't get enough air in my body and I shake really hard. It feels like the world is crashing down around me." Erin was hoping that Dr. Charles could help her because she felt like she wasn't in control of her body anymore.
"Sounds like you're having panic attacks." Dr. Charles didn't even need to write anything down. These were textbook symptoms of panic attacks. "So, one of the best ways to pull out of a panic attack is in the breathing. Focus on breathing in for five seconds, holding for five, and out for five." Erin listened intently. She was ready to figure these panic attacks out. "I also recommend to most of my patients a visualization technique. It's like the whole sheep thing to go to sleep. You visualize a calm, happy, and relaxing place. Like relaxing on the beach and there is not a care or concern in the world. It helps your mind relax."
"Thank you." Erin was grateful for any help that could be provided. She wanted to get back to something that resembled normal. "When do you think I can work again?"
"Well, I want you to have a handle on your panic attacks and sleep cycle before trying to dive back into work." Dr. Charles knew that Erin wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible, but it would take her some time to be able to handle the emotional and mental part of her job. Erin could see his point so she just nodded.
"Here you guys go!" The peppy waiter walked up with the plates of food in his hands. He gave Erin her order of fries while giving Dr. Charles his hamburger with mac and cheese. They thanked him for their food and the waiter walked off. They ended up finishing their meal with light conversation and parted without another word about the panic attacks. Dr. Charles had learned quickly that if he pushed too hard with Erin, she would completely shut down on him, so they were taking baby steps.
"Do you want to try to rest?" Jay asked Erin as they walked back into her apartment. He hoped she would say yes. She needed to try to get caught up on some of her lost sleep and Jay wouldn't mind lying down. It wasn't really late enough to head to bed but they weren't on a schedule until Erin started to get more sleep.
"Sure." She headed towards the bedroom and walked into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable. She slid into the sheets a few minutes later. Jay took his spot on the floor and they both dozed off. "Jay!" Erin screamed as she threw her arms out in front of her. Her eyes were still screwed shut. Jay got to his feet, making a shushing noise while trying to comfort her. "Please, Jay, get off me!" Erin let out a gut-wrenching scream as tears started falling. Jay stumbled backwards away from the bed in horror. "Jay, you're hurting me!" She screamed as Jay fell to his knees in shock. "Jay, please stop!" She whimpered as she thrashed in the bed as more tears leaked from her eyes.
"Erin, baby, please. I wouldn't ever hurt you." Tears were slipping from Jay's eyes as he clutched his heart. Erin's nightmares always made him sad but the realization that she was having a nightmare that it was him hurting her like that made him physically ill. She kicked off the remaining blankets before sitting straight up in bed with a look of fear in her eyes. Her eyes darted around the room until they landed on Jay and then she flung herself against the headboard, her eyes widening with fear. He took a hesitant step forward before Erin shook her head.
"Don't." She choked out as she started to sob. She didn't understand what was happening. This was a totally new level of terror and she knew she was in the middle of a panic attack but the only image in her head was Jay on top of her, hurting her. Jay bolted from the room before collapsing a few feet outside of Erin's room. He was glad that he had thought to grab his phone and pressed the speed dial for Antonio.
"Hey, I need you and Gabby, please." Jay pleaded the second that Antonio picked up. He knew that Erin wasn't going to want to see his face for a while but she couldn't be alone. He didn't want to be alone.
"Are you okay?" Jay heard the rustling of sheets as Antonio got out of bed. He hated that he knew he had woken up Antonio. He glanced over at the clock on the stove and saw that it was after midnight.
"I, I, no. I just, please. Erin will need Gabby." Jay didn't even know how to explain what was going on right now. He just needed someone to get over here as quickly as they could.
"I'm on my way. We'll be there soon." Antonio quickly jumped into the jeans and t-shirt he had been wearing the day before and grabbed his car keys as he pulled out his phone to call Gabby.
"What's up Antonio?" Gabby answered, still laughing from something said on the other end of the line. From the background noise Antonio could hear, he assumed she was at Molly's.
"I need you to get to Erin's. Something's wrong and Jay said she needs you." Antonio didn't have time for pleasantries as he started his car and screeched out of his driveway. The tone of Jay's voice had scared him.
"I'm heading there right now. Brett's with me, is it okay if I bring her?" Gabby's voice turned serious as she felt the panic rising as she beckoned to Hermann that she had to go. Once she spoke Erin's name, Hermann just waved her out, asking for an update later. They all missed seeing Erin in the bar and knew that she would need time to work through what she had happened to her.
"Yea, yea, that's fine. I'll see you soon." Antonio hung up the phone and pressed down faster on the gas. Gabby grabbed Brett and sprinted for her car after giving Casey a two-second explanation of where she was going. They met Antonio at Erin's door and before they could even knock, Jay flung the door open. They were taken aback by his appearance. His hair was standing in all directions and his appearance was disheveled. His eyes had red rims and were still wet underneath with tears.
"What's going on?" Gabby got her voice back first as they all walked into the apartment.
"I, I don't know." Jay's voice was broken and desperate. "Erin had a nightmare, but it was different. This time, it was me." His voice cracked on the last word and he sank down onto the couch. Antonio sat down next to him and slung a comforting arm around him. Gabby and Brett each squeezed Jay's shoulder. They couldn't even imagine how sad and hard that must have been for Jay. They headed into the bedroom. Erin was curled up, holding one of her pillows against her face and stomach as she sobbed into it.
"Hey honey." Gabby said in a soft tone as she knelt down next to the bed. "You've got me and Brett." Erin poked one eye out and looked at the girls in front of her. They both had sympathetic looks on their face as they gave her reassuring smiles. "Do you want to talk about it?" Erin shook her head hard. She didn't know what had triggered that nightmare. She loved Jay and Jay loved her. She knew that Jay would never hurt her but when she closed her eyes right now, all she could see was Jay doing something unspeakable.
"Okay, what can we do?" Brett said quietly. Erin shrugged her shoulders as she maintained her tight grip on her pillow. Both of them felt their hearts go out to their friend that was suffering so badly. Erin was completely covered in sweat and still shaking. Brett got to her feet and went into the bathroom. She returned with a warm wash cloth that she handed to Erin. Erin took it gratefully and wiped off her face and forehead.
"Hey. Antonio took Jay back to his place. Do you want to try to get up? We could go watch some television in the den or I could put in a movie?" Antonio had texted Gabby what was happening. Antonio didn't want to risk coming into the bedroom and freaking Erin out any more than she already was. After thinking about it, Erin agreed and swung her feet over the bed. She felt a pang of guilt and sadness as she looked at the makeshift bed on the floor that Jay had been sleeping in just half an hour before.
"Why don't you get on some fresh pajamas?" Brett could see that Erin's pajamas were sweaty and she probably wasn't very comfortable. Erin changed quickly while Brett and Gabby went out to set up in the living room. Gabby texted Casey to let him know she wasn't coming home tonight while Brett grabbed a few extra blankets. Erin emerged a few minutes later.
"It was so real." Erin whispered once they had gotten settled on the couch. "I, I don't understand why it happened." She opened up on the spur of the moment. Gabby and Brett weren't sure which words would bring Erin any comfort.
"Sometimes, when you are recovering from a trauma like yours and you've attached to a person, it's normal for your mind to warp everything around." Brett remembered that it was common part of victims to have nightmares that often included the people that were helping them. "The brain can be stupid." Brett wished there was a better answer. She couldn't imagine the pain of your brain showing you being attacked by someone who you loved.
"But Jay would never, ever hurt me." Erin knew that without a doubt. She was grateful that Antonio had taken Jay under his wing and would make sure that he was okay tonight. "I just, I want to be normal again." Tears started rolling again as she looked at the photo of the two of them in the living room. She looked so innocent and happy in the photo. She wasn't sure if she would ever get back there.
"Jay wouldn't ever hurt you. You keep remembering that. And you will get to normal." Gabby was confident that Erin would recover eventually. She wished that she could just take this pain away from her friend. "It's going to be okay." She knew that it would be. Erin mouthed several sentences to herself before she sighed and looked at the television screen.
"What do you want to watch?" Brett still had several DVDs in her car if there was any movie that Erin wanted to see or there was plenty of re-runs on television at this time of night. Brett wasn't a huge television fan so she wasn't really sure of what to suggest.
"I've been watching Food Network." Erin replied. Gabby flipped to the channel. It was Cupcake Wars. They were making some weird type of cupcake that had to include a kitchen spice including red pepper flakes and turmeric. Brett thought she'd rather eat her own sock than some of the cupcakes she saw. Erin felt herself relaxing as the episode went on. She knew that Jay wouldn't hurt her but she was glad that they would be apart for the night to process what had happened tonight.
