What The? Ch. 9
A/N- Well, I'm really, really sorry, you guys! I finally got the new YW book (KWA! Best ever!) and (a long time ago) the next HP one. So it's double the spoofing material! Seriously, I grasping at straws before. I actually had another Tom and Carl We're-not-gay section written already. I'll probably let that one get dusty in the archives unless you guys want to see it.. It was kinda lame and to an obscure humor song from the broadway musical Avenue Q, so it probably wouldn't have been that great anyways. To be honest, this hella-long intro isn't only for blog purposes, but also because script-form is outlawed from ff dot net and I don't want my nearing-100 review story deleted. I would seriously cry. A certain website —glares- deleted one of my other stories that were scripted, so I've been kinda afraid to post this one… Sorry! If it does get the axe, rise up and rebel!
Part Errr… who's still counting?
-or- Anniversary Torture
Ronan: -cowers, covered in green- Last time this day came, I was scarred. I shall not be caught off guard again, upon my pride as an Irishman!
Dairine: Huh?
Ronan: 'Tis Saint Patrick's Day again!
CAT: Oooo… so it was! Wow. Thanks for reminding me how late I am updating, Roni! –glares- You know what this means, don't you?
Ronan: PLEASE NO! NOT THIS!
CAT: Huh? It just means that I've been working on this for over a year! Exciting, huh?
Ronan: I-I-I've been trapped here for over a YEAR?
CAT: Yup! Time flies when you're having fun, huh?
Ronan: Whatever you say…
AMS: Err, actually, if you really want to know, it's been three and a half years. This was one of your first fanfics, you know. Of course, there was that year and a half hiatus and the first chapter that you started with looks nothing like this first chapter, but… you get the picture.
CAT: -blinks- I MISSED MY BABY'S BIRTHDAY! Bad secretary!
AMS: Excuuuse me? Secretary?
CAT; This calls for nice celebration! -conjures a very large cake-
Nita: T-T-THREE YEARS? EFFING ALTERNATE REALITIES…
Kit: Actually, that's pretty sad. Don't you have a life? Or friends? And it's only nine chapters, anyways!
CAT: SILENCE! I do so have a life! Jerk… It just so happens that most my friends are nerds like me. I am the one of the only YW nerds, but I'm slowly converting the rest… YAY for me!
All: -sigh-
CAT: However, I am running out of terms for 'crazy' for the chapter names…Well, I wanna thank my reviewers for being so patient with me! I know I'm sporadic at best updating. That's why you get a kinda semi-long update this time! Enjoy! Oh, and thanks for not flaming when I get my hands on Splenda… -grin- It's real sugar from now on. –looks in her fridge- Damn… three Splenda-filled items. Why do I keep torturing myself with this crap? It's taking over the world! –cowers-
AMS: Good point…
CAT: At least I have a cheesecake in the fridge for my birthday! (-cough- that was in August –cough-) Mmmm… three month old birthday cheesecake. Also, all you reviewers have to give me for my birthday (and Christmas) is reviews. –grins-
Kit: Oh. Those people. You mean the ones that watch our suffering for amusement?
CAT: Precisely –grins evilly- Anyhow, this section is awesome and I love you all! Even the silent readers out there! But…since it is the kinda-anniversary AND my birthday, so how about you push me up to 100 reviews? Maybe even 110! Pleeeeassseee? It's 11 of you needed! It'd make me sooo happy! No, but really, I'm just thankful I have this many! –huggles to all-
Kit: -blegh- I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.
CAT: No sass! That's it; enough celebration-immunity. It's back to work! –grins maniacally-
Dairine: Thanks a lot, Kit. –launches a piece of cake at him- If you woulda kept your mouth shut, she would have babbled the whole chapter.
CAT: …it's true.
Kit: Damn it…
-WARNING: Part Meh contains HP spoilers and the wake of the eighth book-
AMS: Errr, CAT we have a big, loud problem.
CAT: Huh?
Voice: WHERE IS SHE? I KNOW THAT YOU'RE HIDING HER SOMEWHERE!
CAT: Aww crap. Is that…?
AMS: Lavender.
Lavender: I KNOW HERMIONE'S HERE! BRING HER OUT!
CAT: Oh yeah… Hermione wrote the sixth book… no wonder Lavender's pissed.
AMS; I told you, Lavender! She's not here. Ask CAT.
CAT: Oh, we can fix that. I have a few things I want to talk to her about. –a pop of displaced air herald the arrival of the rest of the HP gang.-
AMS: -sniff- I miss Sirius…
Nita: I miss Dumbledore…
Kit: And everyone knows Harry and Hermione should've ended up together, I mean, Ron is such a jerk. –glares at Ronan-
Nita: I think someone can't distinguish between fantasy and reality.
Kit: Look at where we are, Neets. It's pretty hard.
Ron: HEY! Hermione just writes me like that. Speaking of which, why ARE we together in the book?
Hermione: -sees everyone glaring at her- I couldn't help it! It's what all the fans wanted! I had to write it like that! The plot made meee!
Lavender: You made me look like a trollop!
Ron: Well, err, I liked your part in the book… -drools-
Lavender: What girl in their right mind would send their boyfriend a "My Sweetheart" necklace?
Hermione: Hey, I didn't portray myself in the best light either.
CAT: -snorts- That's for sure. All you did was cry the whole book until you hooked up with Ron. Oh wait-- And then you cried some more.
Hermione: …
Harry: Does anyone else think that a dementor got my soul at the end? I'm so depressed that I drop out and then it's like I'm about to kill myself… is that really the right message to send to kids? And poor Dumbledore! How could you?
Hermione: Uhhh….I guess not…Man, if you're this mad at me about this, you're gonna kill me after the next one…
Harry: Huh? Wait a second… YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME IN THE NEXT BOOK, AREN'T YOU?
Hermione: Errrr… I shouldn't have said anything…
Harry: I mean, you took away my only advantages. We all know why Ollivander was kidnapped… My wand won't do the nifty thing with Voldie's 'cause he's gonna get a new one made! You suck!
Ron: That's just not cool, Hermione.
Hermione: I'm sorry! I know, I'm a monster. The fans… they made me! They stalked my house and… It was horrible. –shudders-
CAT: Yeah, their –points to the YW crew- new book's a lot better. And almost as long! But Kit and Nita haven't got together. I mean, it's been twenty years of romantic tension!
Kit: -blushes-
Nita: Hey, sweet! –points to everyone else- I'm older than you… and you… and even CAT! And I can drink!
CAT: -rolls eyes-
AMS: Oh, don't pretend like you didn't go to the store at 1:30 AM after work, buy the sixth HP book, and read it until 4:30.
CAT: Errr…
AMS: And then read it twice in a week…
CAT: -cough- That's enough…
Nita: Obsessed much?
CAT: No more so than usual.
Lavender: -hexes Hermione so that her fingers swell to three times their normal size- Try to write your filth with those!
Ginny: And I wanted to be paired with Draco. Sorry Harry, but he's sooo dreamy…
Ron: He's our sworn enemy and a death eater!
Ginny: Meh… he's just misunderstood.
Harry: Hey… wait a second. I just thought of something. With all the Harry Potter products out there, why don't I get any royalty checks?
Ron: Yeah!
Hermione: -grins evilly- Sorry, but I took the liberty of copyrighting all of your names, so I don't owe any of you a thing. BWAHAHAHA! Yay for capitalism! Speaking of which, CAT, you owe approximately $127,361,045 for usage of our names in this story.
CAT: -hides behind disclaimer- You are just asking for something bad to happen to you.
Hermione: Errr… we'll just call it even?
CAT: Hey! You don't get off that easily! I had to take a car trip the day after it came out and all the commercials on the radio were old guys pretending to be Dumbledore advertising buy 1, get 2 hot dog sales at the local supermarkets. –shudder- Plus, did you even think of how horrible it'll be when the sixth movie comes out and we have to watch Ron and Lavender snog? You totally need to be punished. –ties her to a chair and makes her watch the LOTR cartoon movies.-
Hermione: It burnses our eyeses!
CAT: Now you know how we'll feel when we see Ron and Lavender… and Cho and Harry, come to think of it… -shudders-
Nita: That is a horrible thought…
Kit: But why don't we have a movie and toys and stuff? I wanna be an action figure! With kung-fu manual-throwing action!
Nita: -sighs-
AMS: Do you really want to know? Hit it, everyone.
CAT: 10. CG is advanced enough to make Gollum, but they still can't make a speck of light (Fred) look not corny.
AMS:9. About twenty organizations would claim that the magic in it corrupts children.
CAT: 8. About 50 organizations would say that the speech is really Arabic hypnotism that will make the children into terrorists.
Hermione: 7. C'mon, a big part of the first book's plot IS about a pen. Somehow I don't think that'd transfer well to the screen…
Kit: 6. When they 'd start talking about temporospatial claudications, the heads of several audience members would implode.
Ron: 5. There'd always be someone in the theatre who'd scream "Where's Harry?" at the screen.
Ronan: 4. People would start claiming that YW copies HP and the number of maimings committed by YW fans would increase substantially.
CAT: 3. When Fred dies, I might start crying. Loudly.
Nita: 2. When they use the Speech, people would start complaining that it needs subtitles and that they hate foreign films.
CAT: And the number one reason…: The Olsen Twins would end up dying their hair red and being Dairine and Nita, Halley Joe Osmond would try to develop a Hispanic accent to play Kit, Fred would end up being voiced by Eddie Murphy, and most frightening of all, both Carl and Tom would be played by Will Ferrell. –shudders-
Nita: -blinks- Not the Olsen twins! AUGH!
Part Monty Python funThe Winged Defender: -pushing a wheelbarrow- Bring out yer deaAAAD… BRING OUT YER DEAD…
Kit: -lugs Ronan behind him- Here's one.
Ronan: -tugs on spear stuck in his body- I'm not dead yet!
TWD: Here -- he says he's not dead!
Kit: -shifty eyes- Uhh.. yes, he is.
Ronan: I'm not!
TWD: He isn't.
Kit: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Ronan: -bleeding- I'm getting better!
Kit: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
TWD: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations. Powers That Be and all that…
Ronan: -whimpers- I don't want to go in the cart!
Kit: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Ronan: You're just trying to off me so you have Nita to yourself… and so I don't date your sister.
Kit: Yes. And your point is? Take him away. Here's the nine bucks.
TWD: I can't take him...
Ronan: I feel fine!
Kit: Oh, do me a favor.
TWD: I can't.
Kit: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. –whips out his manual and casually starts looking up spells-
TWD: Naaah, If I did, I'd have to do it for them too. –points to the crowd around him-
Dairine: -dragging Roshaun- HEY! What about this one?
TWD: First of all, he's not supposed to be here. Second of all, he's also not dead… I think… maybe…
Carmela: -with Ponch- What about him?
TWD: Also not technically dead. Plus, he's a manifestation of my Boss, see? There are good ideas, and there are bad ideas. Killing him would be a bad idea.
Ronan: I think I'll go for a walk.
Kit: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Ronan: I feel happy... I feel happy!
-TWD bashes him over the head with a staff-
Kit: Ah, thanks very much.
TWD: Not at all. He's really quite annoying, especially when you share a body with him. See you next time.
Nita: KIIT!
Carmela: You killed the cute one? Little bro, you're asking for it. –whips out her eggbeatercurler of doom and zaps him-
Nita: Mela!
Carmela: -to TWD- Here's another one for you. Nine dollars… and a chocolate bar for your trouble. You never saw any of that, got it?
TWD: -drools- Right. Now gimme, gimme!
Carmela: -walks away whistling innocently-
CAT: Now, It's time for the much-awaited segment of the show.
Kit: By whom?
CAT: Me. And AMS, actually.
AMS: You mean--?
CAT; YES! It is finally time for—
AMS and CAT: VIDEO GAME MODE!
Dairine and Carmela: Kick ass!
Kit: Just don't have Ronan wear leather. For the love of God, don't do it again!
Celebrity Deathmatch v.3
Announcer: And now, after much ado—
Audience: You can say that again.
CAT: Hey! I said I was sorry!
Audience: -mutter mutter- You still suck…
CAT: Would more bloodshed satisfy your anger?
Audience: YAY!
Announcer: Theeeeeen… let's get ready to ruuuuuumble! Celebrity Deathmatch is back on!
AMS: In the first corner… it's YW star Dairiiiiiine Callahan!
Nita: Why is everyone prolonging their vowels today?
CAT: Uh… it's what you're supposed to do… WWE regulations.
Dairine: HEY! I've already suffered through one of these! Remember? I won the date with myself by layin' the smackdown on some rabid fangirls.
CAT: Hmmm… funny thing about that—I don't care.
Dairine: -mutters-
AMS: And in the second corner… it's Yuna from the Final Fantasy X and FFX-2 video games.
Yuna: Damn straight!
Carmela: There's something I always wanted to ask you. You do know that a thousand words, is only, like, two pages typed, right?
Yuna: …
CAT: Errr… right. Some of you might be asking why Yuna and Dairine are fighting.
Dairine: I know I am.
Yuna: You're going down, be-otch!
Nita: Someone has aggression issues.
CAT: The reason is that they have the same plotline. One must die!
AMS: Huh? You lost me on that one.
CAT: Ya know… Girl meets boy-analog-thing. Girl partners up with boy-analog-thing. Girl and boy-analog-thing get along –wink lewdly-. Girl and boy-analog-thing save world/universe together with a team of misfits. Boy-analog-thing sacrifices himself for universe/world. Girl is sad and decides to go looking for him because she doesn't think he's really dead. Love story and sequel ensues.
Carmela: -blinks- You know, I never thought of it that way, but it is uncanny.
CAT: Yes, bow to your master, grasshopper.
Carmela: …Does that mean I'm Rikku? 'Cause even though I love her, I really don't wanna wear one of her outfits.
Ronan: Please make her wear one of Rikku's outfits… -drools-
CAT: -sigh- Let's just get on with the fight.
Announcer: -lowers the deathmatch cage- Round one!
Yuna: -changes to songstress dress-sphere and starts singing really out-of-key to Barbie Girl-
I'm the Token Girl in an RPG World. Fanboys like my assets. They're fantasic. You can move me there, push my buttons anywhere… Imagination—
Boys: -drool-
Dairine: AUGH! -collapses in anguish- If there's anything worse than an Aqua song, it's— -shudders- Gah! Who am I kidding? Nothing's worse than an Aqua song! Ever. In the history of the world! Make it stop!
Yuna: Fine! –pouts and changes tune to the "Cute" song from Animaniacs-
I'm cute. Yes, it's true. I really can't help it but what can you do? When you're cute, it just shows. With these two darling eyes and that cute little nose and a skimpy new dress that's adorable, yes. And when they see my dimples—
Dairine: Hmph. Butt dimples, maybe. Think you could wear a shorter skirt?
Yuna: Shut up! Why are you being so mean to poor little me? I saved the world twice!
Dairine: Whatever. I'm up to, like, five times. And I'm mean to you because it's weak white mage girl characters like you that promote the belief that girls can't do anything on their own!
Yuna: Why are you hatin' on me just because I'm white? Racist!
Dairine: Gwaaa! White MAGE. And you also make it look like magic users are pansies and idiots, which is clearly not true because I rock.
Carmela: I think someone's a closet gamer.
Dairine: -looks guilty- Err… nuh-uh!
Yuna: …Ego, much?
Dairine: I pwn u all! L337 is sup4-sw337!
CAT: Please excuse the technical difficulty while Dairine loses her mind. Keep in mind that most gamers don't try to speak in that scary language. We'll need to give her a quick bout of electro-shock therapy to jolt her out of insanity. In the meantime, entertain yourself with the image of Ronan dressed up as Santa. And don't mind the screams. –zaps Ronan-
Ronan: I won't conform to your American capitalist crap! Ho Ho Ho! What's that? Oh wait, it's the sound of LIES!
Random Child 1: Mommy… why is Santa so angry?
Ronan: -blinks- Where did the line of kids come from?
Mother: It's because Santa has probably had about a hundred kids pee in his lap today. And I think he's a little drunk. Now go tell him what the hell you want so mommy can get to her massage on time.
Random Child 1: Ummm… uhh…
Ronan Santa: What do you want, already?
RC1: Uhhhh…
Ronan Santa: A pony?
RC: No.
Ronan Santa: A dollhouse?
RC: No.
Ronan Santa: The ability to make decisions?
RC: No…
Ronan Santa: -whispers- Then how about a new mommy?
RC: YAY! –hugs Ronan-
Ronan Santa: Alright, run along, you little wanker. Remember that Anarchy is cool! Rage against the machine! –throws a candy cane at the kid's head-
Mother: Well, I never! Are you alright, baby snookie wookums?
RC: That was wicked-sweet! Shut up, you conformist tramp!
-The two go past a neonly decorated Christmas tree, which jumps out and attacks them both, stealing the kid's candy cane-
Ronan Santa: Filif, you rock.
Filif: Christmas is fun! Mmmm… sugar and violence in the morning.
Ronan Santa: NEXT!
Carmela: Well, that was disturbing. And hot, somehow.
Nita: I think they're having too much fun… and if Ronan's brain-washing kids to be like him, the world'll be over taken by angsty pseudo-goth teens!
Dairine: Uh, news flash: it already is.
Nita: Oh yeah…
Kit: -sigh- Carmela, could you never say that in front of me again, please?
CAT: Well, it's not as disturbing as what's about to go on! –crack knuckles- Oh Dairiiii?
Yuna: Hmm…Electro shock therapy, eh? Leave it to me! –cackles evilly- I invoke…THUNDER! See, I'm not only a white mage, be-otch! I learned a thing or two!
-there's an anticlimactic crack of thunder, but that's it-
Dairine: What did you expect with a spell called thunder? Not lightning. Anyone ever teach you the difference? You are teh stupid.
Yuna: Grrr… I'm not the one talking in l337! AUGH! You just made me do it, too!
Lone Power: Enough talkie! Cat-fight! Cat-fight!
Roshaun: Must not try to kill Death… Must not try to kill Death…
Lone Power: Yeah. Remember what happened last time?
Roshuan: Shut up!
Lone Power: It might be hard to kill you namby-pamby elves—
Roshaun: I'm not an elf!
Lone Power: --But it sure is easy to make them go poof when they're casting a dangerous spell.
Dairine: I kill you! –bites Lone Power's arm and won't let go- Roshaun is mine! I don't share!
Yuna: Oh! So he was your final boss? Isn't he kinda, I dunno, wussy looking for ultimate evil?
Lone Power: Nuh-uh! I'm just fashion conscious! See this suit? Genuine Armani.
Yuna: So you're gay? I guess there's a precedent for that –cough- Sephiroth –cough-.
Lone Power: What? I'm just metrosexual!
Nita: Actually, he's gender-transcendent, too.
Yuna: A hermaphrodite?
Lone Power: Dammit, for the last time, I am –not- a hermaphrodite! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT? –zaps Yuna into oblivion- What now!
Dairine: Yayz! U got rid of teh annoying gurl!
Lone Power: No… anything but that! Not bad grammar! –pauses- Whooo… look at the pretty Macchu Picchus… –faints from blood loss from Dairine's biting and brain damage from her internet speak-
Announcer: Uhhh… I guess Dairine is a two-time winner at celebrity death match. That makes her the title champion!
Dairine: I told u I pwn u all!
CAT: Now, about that electro-shock therapy… before my brain starts hemorrhaging. Bwahahah! Time for another Ronan break.
Ronan Santa: What do you want, kid?
RC2: You're not the real santa.
Ronan Santa: Are any of us real?
RC2: You can't get out of this with existential psycho-babble! –pulls off Ronan's beard-
Ronan Santa: -sniffles- I think I met my mini-me!
Filif: Huh?
Ronan Santa: Your mini-you is a little kid who has the same personality as you did when you were little. Or it could be a midget clone. Either one works.
Filif: O.o
RC2: Now, let's get this straight: I won't conform to your American capitalist crap!
Ronan Santa: That's what I said!
RC2: And since you're the embodiment of the commercialism that runs rampant in the world, I have no choice but to do this. –kicks Ronan in the crotch-
Ronan Santa: I'll kill you! –begins mentally preparing a spell-
Filif: Uh, Ronan, maybe that's a bad idea to be thinking of in the middle of the mall.
Ronan: But—
Filif: I'll call in the back-up.
RC2: See? This just proves my theory that Santa is really the son of Lucifer. I mean, just look at his name. Spell it out! Santa and SATAN! All he did was rearrange the letters. The sad thing is that people don't even realize that!
(A/N- I hate putting these mid-story, but that whole theory is thanks to the coolest webcomic ever, EarthBeta. This was from the first comics, and even though it has a plot now, it's still classic. So go check it out. He tells it a lot better than me, but I couldn't resist adding it. ' The site's www. earthbeta .com and it's about the fifth one from the beginning.)
Ronan Santa: Maybe mini-mes aren't such cool people to meet. I'm not that bad, am I?
Filif: …
RC2: Merry flippin' Christmas, you fraud!
Ronan: …
Sker'ret: Is this the delicacy you were talking about, Fil?
Filif: Yup…
-Sker'ret eats the screaming child-
Sker'ret: Tastes like chicken.
Ronan: -groans- Did Dairine teach you that?
Sker'ret: -sheepishly- Maybe…
CAT: Ok. I think this should come to an end before Sker'ret get a taste for human flesh. Next chapter we'll be, uh, moving on to something more festive.
AMS: More festive than evil sacrilegious pseudo-Santa? And his man-eating Rihirait reindeer? How's that possible?
CAT: Quiet, you. It's…
A Christmas Carol: YW style: A preview.
CAST:
Scrooge: Lone Power
Lone Power: Oh, suuure. Just 'cause I'm evil, you typecast me as Scrooge. I'll have you know that I have a wide range of emotions. And great versatility. For example, I can do evil, maniacal, diabolical, treacherous, murderous, ambivalent, malevolent, angry, deceitful, you name it.
CAT: -sigh- Will the authoress be able to take all the whining?
AMS: Somehow, I think this will all end up demented.
CAT: Gee, ya think? Ah, it will be such fun… -cackles evilly-
AMS: Errr, so why aren't you doing it now?
CAT: Well, I'll need something Christmasy in the next update to ensure it'll be done by Christmas and I'm not uber-late again.
AMS: … good thinking.
CAT: And one more thing: Remember to visit my YW forum at http/ ! I need members! Neeeed!
Post-story A/N: Ok, merci beaucoup to all my reviewers! You're very patient, and I'd like to thank Red Flame in particular for guilting me into getting this chappie finished (finally). It totally worked and you rock (I love the deathmatch idea). At any rate, expect another update soon, all! Lots of love, CAT. Oh, I almost forgot… Review, or the periwinkle box shall be attacked by the ferocity of my army of cardboard knife-wielding penguins! Hahaahah! Either that or Sker'ret will try to eat it. Or both.
Periwinkle Box: -sigh- You know the drill. Though her threats are getting pretty weak.
CAT: Quiet, you! –thwacks PB with a pointy stick-
Periwinkle Box: Please click me… as if I don't already get enough abuse. -mutter mutter-
