Disclaimer: I have no money and am certainly not making any here.
Warnings: This is pretty angsty and heavy. Lots of James crying and Spock dealing with his slashy feelings. There are mentions of Tarsus.
A/N: There's a little tiny bit of a twist in the middle somewhere, let me know what you thought of it.
And as always – thanks for the wonderful reviews and kind words.
Sharingan-Fer-Sure - you made my day
and passionfornight – I know huh? Poor Spock – it's so conflicting for him – and it will only get worse.
After Leonard left, Spock tried to meditate. He needed to think about everything that he had learned and been forced to admit that evening. He had not wanted to admit his feelings towards Jim, not even to himself, but the surge of jealousy he had felt when he had envisioned Leonard sleeping in the same bed with Jim, holding him, comforting him, had been more than he could ignore.
His heart had ached when he had realized that Leonard and Jim might have been more than friends. It had meant that his suppressing his feelings on the grounds that Jim preferred women had quite possibly been unnecessary, and that despite that revelation, Jim would still be beyond his reach if he already belonged to another.
When Leonard had realized why Spock had reacted in such a peculiar manner, and then confronted him and consequently given him reason to believe that Jim might actually return the feelings that he had been striving so long to ignore, it had been a relief. In fact, Spock had felt immense relief and had released a burden he had not known he was carrying by, not quite, admitting to Leonard that his assumptions were correct.
He had to admit to himself now that he had been in love with Jim before this transformation had occurred. He was unsure what that would mean or how it would affect his now parental relationship with James, but for the time being he felt less tense than he had in quite some time. The realization gave him peace somehow.
The peace ebbed into contentment and a wave of weariness washed over him. He put away his meditation tools and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed, making sure the lights were out and the door was secure before he did so. After changing into pajamas and brushing his teeth, he stood at the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror, or rather beyond it, contemplating how to put his feelings for Jim aside so that he could concentrate on the job at hand when he heard James cry out from the bedroom.
"Papa! Papa! Papa where are you? Help, Papa help!" he heard the terrified voice scream.
"I am here James!" Spock answered running into the bedroom area which he realized was completely dark. He had not left the ambient lighting on before going into the bathroom, and the bathroom door had been shut. He'd been too wrapped up in his own thoughts and had forgotten that James was afraid of the dark.
The light from the now open bathroom door illuminated the space and he saw James' terror filled pale white face stained with tears staring back at him. He quickly went to him and enveloped him in his arms, soothing and reassuring him that everything was alright.
"I wuz so scared, where wuz you?"
"I was just in the bathroom James. You know that I would not leave you." He said kissing the top of James' head as he rubbed his back and rocked him gently, urging him to stop crying.
"I thought you did though, I thought they got you too! I cudnt see and I thought I wuz all alone and the soldiers were still comin Spock. The soldiers did come and I couldn't find Kevin nowhere. I tolded him to hide under the bed but when I went to get him he wusn't there no more and I couldn't find him and I couldn't find Tommy neither and they were out there Spock, with their guns and their dogs and .. and.. and.." he choked and sobbed into Spock's shirt "and Sarah was out there Spock, she ranned out and they shot her, I heard it, I heard 'em kill her Spock and I…. I had to look.. I had to see… so I peeked between the boards and I saw it Spock, I saw her blood all over the snow. It was so red, and it was all my fault. I told her to run, it was all my fault, and then I dint know where Kevin and Tommy wuz and I wuz sure they wuz dead too and it was all my fault too and the dogs were getting closer. I was so scared so called for you and then it was all dark and you wuzn't here either and I thought they got you too Papa. I thought they got you too…" he sobbed.
"They did not, and I did not leave you James. I would never willingly do that. I am right here and I am safe with you. You are safe as well and the soldiers are not coming, the soldiers are gone James, gone forever, and Kevin is just fine."
"Are you sure? Are you sure Kevin is okay? I couldn't find him, he wasn't under the bed."
"He is alive and well, because you saved him. Do you not remember this?"
"I …. I guess so.. I just… I hate the bad dreams… I hate the Sarah dreams… God Spock" he sighed heavily "… it was all my fault. She shouldn't have died. I might as well have killed her myself" Jim's voice echoed through the semi dark room, before his body was once again racked with shuddering sobs.
Spock felt a shock surge through his body. The voice and the diction had definitely changed. He continued to hold the sobbing man rubbing his back and rocking him gently but he felt a nervous hope rising through him. When the sobbing seemed died down and the former Captain quieted he tentatively spoke?
"Jim?"
The only reply he received was what was obviously James shaking his head no furiously and mumbling something that might have been "gone" or "not" or something similar. Spock tried to decipher whether or not he was disappointed or relieved that it was James that he was still holding and not Jim. He became aware that his shirt was wet with tears and released James just a bit stating that he would need to change his shirt in an amused tone that he hoped would help James snap out of his revery.
It did a bit. He sat back on the bed and wiped his nose, muttering that he was sorry for soaking Spock's shirt and once again asked after Kevin. It was obvious that he needed to physically see Kevin for himself. Kevin had somehow become somewhat of an anchor for him over the years according to Leonard.
"Would you like me to call him?"
"Oh yes Papa would you?"
Spock, not wanting to leave James, took James over to his bed and hit the comm on the interface on his headboard. Fortunately Ensign Riley had not been asleep and answered immediately.
"Yes Captain?"
"Ensign Riley…, Kevin. I am in need of your assistance. James has had a nightmare. It was not a night terror, but it was quite disturbing, and he needs to see you, to see that you are alright."
"I understand sir. Tell him I'm on my way. I'll stop and get Dr. McCoy on my way."
"Thank you. You see, he is fine and he is on his way."
"Thanks Papa." James said quietly still heaving hiccoughing breaths and intermittent sobs.
"Shhh shhhh, it was not your fault James. You were just a child. You did the best that you could. Kevin is still alive today because of you, remember that." He sat there holding James and rocking him some more until he heard Leonard using his override code to unlock the main door and enter his quarters with Kevin on his heels.
"Hey Jimmy, you okay?" Kevin said immediately coming over to sit by Jim and accept the embrace that was immediately thrust upon him by the still crying former Captain. "Hey buddy, it's okay, I'm here and I'm okay. We're both fine see? So what was it this time?"
"Sarah." James said. The one word explanation was more than enough and it made Kevin go pale and swallow hard.
"Wow, that's one of the bad ones Jimmy. I'm so sorry Jimmy. I'm sorry I wasn't where you told me to be. I know you told me to hide under the bed but I got scared when I heard the dogs barking so close, so I hid in the closet instead. I know you were scared, but it's not your fault Sarah got killed. She ran the wrong way remember. You told her to run to the woods with everyone else so the soldiers wouldn't see her. The woods were in back. She ran across the courtyard instead remember?
Remember how you told us later that you didn't know why she ran across the courtyard, she just did, so they saw her. That's why they shot her Jimmy, because she ran the wrong way remember? That's not your fault. And then remember what happened? After that you found me, remember? We ran out the back the right way, and when we got to the woods Tommy was there and the others were too. You did good that day Jimmy, you got us all out of there, and Sarah would have been fine too if she'd run the way you told her to Jimmy, it wasn't your fault that she panicked. It wasn't your fault."
Spock listened to consolation, which sounded almost rehearsed. Leonard caught his eye just then and seemed to inherently understand what he was thinking.
"They've been down this road a time or two. Sarah's one of the bad ones. I used to have to call Kevin when we were back at the academy for the Sarah dream and a couple of the others. Poor damn kid, he was 14 years old and having to come mollycoddle a damned grownup's ass."
"It's nothing Jim didn't do for me over the years when I needed him," Kevin spoke up. "I've had my own share of nightmares and therapy sessions and freak outs you know. He drove clear across the damn country from Iowa one time when I was 10 and had a massive breakdown at school. He stayed in San Francisco with me for a week to make sure I'd be okay. That was back when I was a ward of the Federation, no parents, no family, so I kinda grew up at or around the academy. I lived with Admiral Archer's daughter for a while, before I got into the academy early when I was 13. I'd been at the academy about a year when Jimmy here showed up. Boy was I happy to see him. He was a mess before that weren't you Jimmy?"
"I guess, maybe a little." James admitted, daring to grin slightly, his sobs having now subsided.
"You gonna be okay now?"
"Yeah, thanks for comin' Kev." James said giving Kevin another big hug.
"Anytime. You know that Jimmy. I love you man, you're the only family I got left."
"Nuh uh, now you got Spock and Bones too."
"He's right there Kevin." McCoy agreed, Spock nodding in the affirmative by his side.
Kevin was grateful for that and let them know it before he left. Leonard gave James a sleeping aid then made sure Spock didn't want him to stay before saying goodnight again and leaving himself. Leonard had turned out the bathroom light before leaving and had secured the door to their quarters as well. Spock quickly changed his shirt and then sat back down on the bed with James. He was immediately plastered with six feet of former Captain and it was clear that there would be no extricating said former Captain any time soon. Since James already had his blanket and bear over on Spock's bed somehow, there was nothing left to do but give in and let James sleep with him.
Leonard and mentioned that sometimes there were multiple nightmares in one night, so it was probably best and Spock was tired of fighting it. These were extenuating circumstances after all and James needed him, needed the contact, and to know that he was not alone.
He laid down bringing James with him as he did so and pulled the covers over both of them. Then he snuggled up close with James, stroking his hair and rubbing circles on his back, urging him to go to sleep. As the tension left James' body he completely wrapped his limbs around Spock and muttered a thank you into his chest. Soon his breathing evened out as sleep started to overtake him and Spock allowed himself to enjoy holding James just a little.
He held on tight to the man-child, wanting to make it very clear to both James and Jim, if Jim were really still in there somewhere, that he was not going anywhere. In fact, if he had anything to say about it James would never be alone again. He knew he'd heard Jim's voice earlier and he wanted to convey to Jim that if he ever came back to him he would never be alone again either, provided that's what he wanted, for Spock would never willingly leave him. Not now that he knew where he belonged, and where he belonged was by Jim's side, no matter what the universe threw at them.
