When the Fire is Quenched
Jack opened his eyes again and stared at the stupid blue object for a moment longer. Then he turned and buried himself into the couch once more. He knew that it was childish, but if he ignored it, it would just go away.
Wouldn't it?
He felt the abused tissues in his throat, raw and painful, and put all his energy into not coughing.
What did they think that he was, a child, to be comforted by a fluffy toy?
He relentlessly pushed aside all thought of the message behind the gift and concentrated on the feelings of anger.
Cassie had given it to him. So they had been discussing him with Cassie. Discussing him with a child.
He felt the hand on his shoulder again and this time, no matter how much he shrugged, it didn't move.
"Jack. We need to talk."
No - he didn't. They might, but he most certainly did not. It hurt when he talked.
"O'Neill, we must discuss what has happened."
Now Teal'c was getting in on the act. Ganging up on him.
Why didn't they just give him a little more time? Things would come good.
Eventually.
Then he heard Carter. She didn't speak, but he knew that it was her. That little noise that she made when she was really upset and trying to fight back the tears.
He turned around, trying to avoid noticing that Daniel's hand was having to give him a lot more help than it should have needed to.
"Well?" He may be going to listen, but he wasn't going to make it easy for them. "Say what you want to say. I want to go back to sleep."
He saw Daniel flinch at his tone. Teal'c shook his head slightly as if in censure.
He didn't care.
Did he?
God! Why wouldn't they just leave him alone? They hadn't had any trouble leaving him back on that planet.
"We left you." This time it was his turn to flinch. It was as if Carter had read his mind. He stood up quickly, putting a hand out to steady himself before quickly moving towards the kitchen, not listening as the others hurried after him. He reached the back door and turned, trapped by the rain and wind. Teal'c was the closest. He reached across and put a hand over the door handle.
"You will not run. You will listen."
Jack's anger flared into life.
"Run! I had to run. How do you think I managed to survive? How dare you tell me not to run!" He felt the bile rise in his stomach and barely made it to the sink in time.
Crap! He knew he should have done those breakfast dishes.
There was that damned hand again - this time rubbing his back soothingly as he spat the smell of smoke from his throat. He let himself be lead back into the living room and stayed quiet while other hands wrapped the blanket back around him.
Finally he could hold back no longer.
"Anyway, what do you mean that you left me? You didn't have a choice. What did you want to do, stay with me and burn?" He felt the bile rising again but fought it down. "Do you have any idea what it was like? I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through that. Why would you think that I'd be sorry that you didn't? Christ!" As his voice rose he found it harder and harder to speak, harder and harder to draw breath. "Well, you did leave - so just get over it." He swallowed convulsively. "You did leave."
Was that it? Was he that transparent? That pathetic? He burrowed himself back into the soft cushions, feeling the weigh of Daniel's arm across his shoulder.
"Sir?" Carter was standing in front of him holding out a glass of water. Her eyes caught his as his trembling hand reached for the tumbler. She held both his gaze and his water, trying to communicate with him. He felt her guilt overlay his own and it was suffocating.
"Carter, I."
"Colonel, no one gets left behind." Her fingers brushed his own. "No one." She knelt on the carpet in front of him. "And we did leave you."
Teal'c's deep voice echoed in the silence. "We ask your forgiveness, O'Neill."
They could barely hear his answer, it was spoken so softly. "Don't ask me to do that. I can't. There's nothing to forgive. There never was."
"We thought that we'd lost you, Jack. We really thought that you had died. We started grieving. Hell, Jack - we didn't go back to rescue you. We were looking for your damned body!" Daniel's arm held him tighter, pulling him in. "Then you were there and we couldn't believe it. We still can't believe it. I think that's the problem. You were dead and now you're not and it's hard for us to trust ourselves again." Jack shivered in the warmth of his friend's arms. "We're scared that you're leaving us again, Jack and you won't let us help you."
Was that it? They wanted him to forgive them. For giving up on him. All that time he had trusted them to find him, come back for him and they had given up. He had struggled through that hell on earth to reach them.
And they had given up.
Their presence was oppressive. Why did he have to feel responsible for them, for their feelings? He had enough trouble with his own. And the annoying thing was that he understood exactly what was happening here, he just didn't want to admit it. The symptoms were all there, for anyone with experience to see. Posttraumatic stress. It was a wonder that the Doc hadn't kept him in, made him see that damned shrink. He must be getting very good at camouflage - it was probably all the practice he'd had over the years.
He couldn't blame his team. They hadn't done anything that he wouldn't have done, given the same set of circumstances. They had just been convenient scapegoats for him to hide behind.
His friends watched anxiously as Jack shook in Daniel's arms, his labored breaths becoming more and more desperate.
"Should we not call Doctor Fraiser?" Teal'c spoke softly, afraid that he would spook the Colonel into trying to run once more.
He hadn't spoken quietly enough for the Colonel's sharp ears to miss.
"No!" He stiffened. "I'm not going anywhere. I want to stay right here." They couldn't see his face, turned as it was into Daniel's shoulder, but they could hear the panic.
"But sir, Janet could come here. You need to see her." Sam could almost feel the coughs herself. She didn't know what to do. Janet would know.
"I'm staying here, Carter and no one is calling the Doc." The Colonel straightened up and made an attempt to control his breathing. "Is that understood?" Weak though it was, his voice still had that note of command that they were so use to obeying.
"If that is your wish, O'Neill." Teal'c made it clear by his tone that he was not happy. He found the sight of his fellow warrior in such a weaken state very distressing. "Is there anything that you would have us do to help?"
The question took Jack by surprise. He wasn't use to asking for help. Delaying his answer, he reached out and took the glass of water that Carter had put on the coffee table. He swallowed a couple of deep mouthfuls, grateful for the coolness on his parched throat. His hand was still trembling, making the water slosh from side to side. He could feel the other's glances and knew that they had noticed.
"Mind if I sit down, Colonel?" Carter may have couched it as a question, but she obviously took the answer for granted, because, before he could speak, she had already taken the spot next to him on the sofa. There was something very comforting, sitting here between his friends, feeling their warmth. He began to relax and let his eyes drift shut.
He knew that they deserved something from him. Something more than anger and being pushed away. It was easier to talk when he couldn't see their reactions.
"Just stay here, Teal'c. That's what you can do to help." He could feel their startled reaction to his words. "And accept my apology." Jack's breathing was almost back to normal now, or what had passed for normal since the fire. "Just stay right here." He reached out with his left hand and lightly took the ends of Carter's fingers in his. He needed to know that his team was there, where they were suppose to be. He felt, rather than saw Teal'c sit crosslegged on the floor beside them. As his breathing evened out and he started to doze, he knew that he would be able to sleep peacefully. He would never admit it to anyone, but he had been scared. And when you're scared, you lash out at the things that you care for most.
The room was warm and quiet. The trees continued to toss in the driving rain, but the sound didn't wake anyone. The trees were just that, trees - not objects of terror and destruction, waiting to fall. The rain struck the windows - only water, not floods or ice, just life giving water.
The fire was finally out.
The End
Jack opened his eyes again and stared at the stupid blue object for a moment longer. Then he turned and buried himself into the couch once more. He knew that it was childish, but if he ignored it, it would just go away.
Wouldn't it?
He felt the abused tissues in his throat, raw and painful, and put all his energy into not coughing.
What did they think that he was, a child, to be comforted by a fluffy toy?
He relentlessly pushed aside all thought of the message behind the gift and concentrated on the feelings of anger.
Cassie had given it to him. So they had been discussing him with Cassie. Discussing him with a child.
He felt the hand on his shoulder again and this time, no matter how much he shrugged, it didn't move.
"Jack. We need to talk."
No - he didn't. They might, but he most certainly did not. It hurt when he talked.
"O'Neill, we must discuss what has happened."
Now Teal'c was getting in on the act. Ganging up on him.
Why didn't they just give him a little more time? Things would come good.
Eventually.
Then he heard Carter. She didn't speak, but he knew that it was her. That little noise that she made when she was really upset and trying to fight back the tears.
He turned around, trying to avoid noticing that Daniel's hand was having to give him a lot more help than it should have needed to.
"Well?" He may be going to listen, but he wasn't going to make it easy for them. "Say what you want to say. I want to go back to sleep."
He saw Daniel flinch at his tone. Teal'c shook his head slightly as if in censure.
He didn't care.
Did he?
God! Why wouldn't they just leave him alone? They hadn't had any trouble leaving him back on that planet.
"We left you." This time it was his turn to flinch. It was as if Carter had read his mind. He stood up quickly, putting a hand out to steady himself before quickly moving towards the kitchen, not listening as the others hurried after him. He reached the back door and turned, trapped by the rain and wind. Teal'c was the closest. He reached across and put a hand over the door handle.
"You will not run. You will listen."
Jack's anger flared into life.
"Run! I had to run. How do you think I managed to survive? How dare you tell me not to run!" He felt the bile rise in his stomach and barely made it to the sink in time.
Crap! He knew he should have done those breakfast dishes.
There was that damned hand again - this time rubbing his back soothingly as he spat the smell of smoke from his throat. He let himself be lead back into the living room and stayed quiet while other hands wrapped the blanket back around him.
Finally he could hold back no longer.
"Anyway, what do you mean that you left me? You didn't have a choice. What did you want to do, stay with me and burn?" He felt the bile rising again but fought it down. "Do you have any idea what it was like? I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through that. Why would you think that I'd be sorry that you didn't? Christ!" As his voice rose he found it harder and harder to speak, harder and harder to draw breath. "Well, you did leave - so just get over it." He swallowed convulsively. "You did leave."
Was that it? Was he that transparent? That pathetic? He burrowed himself back into the soft cushions, feeling the weigh of Daniel's arm across his shoulder.
"Sir?" Carter was standing in front of him holding out a glass of water. Her eyes caught his as his trembling hand reached for the tumbler. She held both his gaze and his water, trying to communicate with him. He felt her guilt overlay his own and it was suffocating.
"Carter, I."
"Colonel, no one gets left behind." Her fingers brushed his own. "No one." She knelt on the carpet in front of him. "And we did leave you."
Teal'c's deep voice echoed in the silence. "We ask your forgiveness, O'Neill."
They could barely hear his answer, it was spoken so softly. "Don't ask me to do that. I can't. There's nothing to forgive. There never was."
"We thought that we'd lost you, Jack. We really thought that you had died. We started grieving. Hell, Jack - we didn't go back to rescue you. We were looking for your damned body!" Daniel's arm held him tighter, pulling him in. "Then you were there and we couldn't believe it. We still can't believe it. I think that's the problem. You were dead and now you're not and it's hard for us to trust ourselves again." Jack shivered in the warmth of his friend's arms. "We're scared that you're leaving us again, Jack and you won't let us help you."
Was that it? They wanted him to forgive them. For giving up on him. All that time he had trusted them to find him, come back for him and they had given up. He had struggled through that hell on earth to reach them.
And they had given up.
Their presence was oppressive. Why did he have to feel responsible for them, for their feelings? He had enough trouble with his own. And the annoying thing was that he understood exactly what was happening here, he just didn't want to admit it. The symptoms were all there, for anyone with experience to see. Posttraumatic stress. It was a wonder that the Doc hadn't kept him in, made him see that damned shrink. He must be getting very good at camouflage - it was probably all the practice he'd had over the years.
He couldn't blame his team. They hadn't done anything that he wouldn't have done, given the same set of circumstances. They had just been convenient scapegoats for him to hide behind.
His friends watched anxiously as Jack shook in Daniel's arms, his labored breaths becoming more and more desperate.
"Should we not call Doctor Fraiser?" Teal'c spoke softly, afraid that he would spook the Colonel into trying to run once more.
He hadn't spoken quietly enough for the Colonel's sharp ears to miss.
"No!" He stiffened. "I'm not going anywhere. I want to stay right here." They couldn't see his face, turned as it was into Daniel's shoulder, but they could hear the panic.
"But sir, Janet could come here. You need to see her." Sam could almost feel the coughs herself. She didn't know what to do. Janet would know.
"I'm staying here, Carter and no one is calling the Doc." The Colonel straightened up and made an attempt to control his breathing. "Is that understood?" Weak though it was, his voice still had that note of command that they were so use to obeying.
"If that is your wish, O'Neill." Teal'c made it clear by his tone that he was not happy. He found the sight of his fellow warrior in such a weaken state very distressing. "Is there anything that you would have us do to help?"
The question took Jack by surprise. He wasn't use to asking for help. Delaying his answer, he reached out and took the glass of water that Carter had put on the coffee table. He swallowed a couple of deep mouthfuls, grateful for the coolness on his parched throat. His hand was still trembling, making the water slosh from side to side. He could feel the other's glances and knew that they had noticed.
"Mind if I sit down, Colonel?" Carter may have couched it as a question, but she obviously took the answer for granted, because, before he could speak, she had already taken the spot next to him on the sofa. There was something very comforting, sitting here between his friends, feeling their warmth. He began to relax and let his eyes drift shut.
He knew that they deserved something from him. Something more than anger and being pushed away. It was easier to talk when he couldn't see their reactions.
"Just stay here, Teal'c. That's what you can do to help." He could feel their startled reaction to his words. "And accept my apology." Jack's breathing was almost back to normal now, or what had passed for normal since the fire. "Just stay right here." He reached out with his left hand and lightly took the ends of Carter's fingers in his. He needed to know that his team was there, where they were suppose to be. He felt, rather than saw Teal'c sit crosslegged on the floor beside them. As his breathing evened out and he started to doze, he knew that he would be able to sleep peacefully. He would never admit it to anyone, but he had been scared. And when you're scared, you lash out at the things that you care for most.
The room was warm and quiet. The trees continued to toss in the driving rain, but the sound didn't wake anyone. The trees were just that, trees - not objects of terror and destruction, waiting to fall. The rain struck the windows - only water, not floods or ice, just life giving water.
The fire was finally out.
The End
