Nicole's A/N: Thank you for your patience. We really appreciate all of your feedback. Life's been crazy for both Irene and me. I hope you enjoy this chapter! We definitely have not forgotten about this story.


Chapter 9


Derek had begun to think he and Meredith might never hear from Amy again. He'd never had her contact information, and, as far as he knew, neither did Meredith. Amy had turned into a forbidden topic between him and his wife over the past months.

He had no way of making it to Seattle for Christmas, so driving to New York seemed like the only alternative. That's where his family would be celebrating Christmas.

Derek managed to find a rental car at the last minute. However, he felt comfort in knowing Meredith, Amelia, and the kids would still receive their Christmas presents in time, seeing as he had pre-arranged their deliveries knowing there would not be room for them on his flight. He just wouldn't be there to see them receive the gifts; he would have to arrange a time to open them over FaceTime or Skype.

Amy had been vague in her explanation on the phone, but Derek could tell by the sound of her voice that something was gravely wrong. She had said she was at Kennedy Airport in New York, but all flights to Seattle were cancelled; and she didn't know where to turn next. Apparently, all she knew was she could not go home. Derek didn't want to pry, but he'd told her that he was in DC and could be to New York in a few hours. He was on his way, and she should stay put.

He knew he had to call Meredith eventually, but he was not looking forward to that phone call. Derek had no clue how to tell her he wouldn't be able to make it home for Christmas, so he focused on Amy instead. What could have possibly happened to have triggered her to call him? It had to be bad, otherwise why else would she already be at the airport? His gut told him she wasn't just planning to fly to Seattle to surprise Meredith for Christmas.

It was by chance that he was on the East Coast when Amy needed him. Amy couldn't have known he'd relocated to DC. Derek was glad he was able to be there for her.

The drive from Ronald Reagan International Airport to John F. Kennedy International Airport ended up taking him just shy of five hours. He wasn't very familiar with John F. Kennedy Airport, having only flown out of it when he fled New York for Seattle the first time, so he called Amy when he arrived to find out where she was. She was able to direct him to her location.

She looked different. He almost didn't recognize her. Her hair was shorter, and she had dyed it darker. It was coal black. The darkness of her hair made her eyes look darker as well, and her skin paler. Dark circles circled around her eyes.

She had a backpack strapped around her shoulders and was holding the hand of a boy, who looked to be around ten or eleven.

"You found us," Amy said, looking taken aback. "This is Caden … my little brother."

"It's nice to meet you, Caden," Derek greeted the child, who batted his dark eyelashes shyly. His hair was as dark as Amy's dyed hair.

"God, I'm so sorry for bothering you. DC is, what, a five hour drive? You didn't have to drive that far … "

Derek's heart swelled. For a moment, he felt like he was looking at Meredith. "I've been in DC for work, and I'd planned to fly to Seattle today, but all flights are cancelled. I couldn't get home, and my mom and sisters are here in New York, so I would have come here anyway," he explained.

"Oh … well, in that case, at least I didn't make you go out of your way," Amy sighed. "But … what about Meredith and the kids? You're going to miss Christmas with them? That's horrible!"

Derek nodded solemnly, patting his pocket where his phone rested. "I still haven't told her yet," he confessed. "I don't know how I'm going to," he added.

Amy's eyes widened. "Please," she whispered. "Don't mention me … I … don't want her to know that I'm with you."

Derek frowned. If she didn't want to talk to Meredith, then why had she planned to fly her and her brother to Seattle? Derek didn't ask, though. "Why don't we get in the car and head over to my mom's house?" Derek suggested. "You can catch me up on your life in the car."

Amy nodded, and Derek led Amy and Caden toward his rented Porsche. It was an upgraded version of the one he had at home in Seattle, and he found it rather sexy. He missed driving in DC, but driving was an inconvenience in the national's capital when traffic was insane. Plus, Washington DC had a wonderful metro system.

Derek definitely had not minded the five hour drive to New York. He'd found it surprisingly stress relieving.

The flashes of Meredith and him in the bathroom continued to taunt him, and he was disappointed that he wouldn't be with her this Christmas. Maybe it was for the best. They had not been on best terms, and he didn't want to fight with her, especially not at Christmas. It wasn't like he planned to fight with her, though. He never planned it. It just happened. Sometimes it felt like she enjoyed arguing with him, because she sure knew how to pick a good fight.

He shot a glance at Amy. God, she looked so much like Meredith. Meredith had recently darkened her hair as well, though Derek preferred Meredith as a blonde. However, he knew better than to tell Meredith she looked better as a blonde.

Amy's eyes were what kept capturing Derek's attention today.

When Amy looked straight at him, for a second all he saw was Amelia.

It wasn't possible, was it?

Definitely not. Absolutely not. Of course not.


Derek was looking at her weird, and it made Amy uncomfortable. She knew she was sort of attractive, and she happened to look a lot like his wife, her biological mother. She wasn't turning him on, was she? God, she hoped not. He was old enough to be her dad. Hell, he was older than her dad, probably.

Yet, her dad was dead, and Derek wasn't, which was why she and Caden were getting into Derek's car right now and not her dad's.

Caden had been much quieter and reserved since their father's death. He had been really close to their dad, and Amy wasn't really sure what would become of her brother now that he didn't have their dad. She worried about him, especially now that Mom was going down the path that she was. Amy could only hope that their mom would come around, sooner rather than later. If not for her own sake, but for Caden's. Caden needed someone to be a role model for him, and Amy couldn't be with him all the time now that she was in college. She felt bad that she couldn't, but she had to think about her future. She couldn't be one of those girls who dropped out of school because her dad died; she had to stay strong, she knew that. Her dad would be so disappointed in her if she quit school because he died.

The idea of Derek taking Caden and her to his mom's also made Amy slightly uneasy. Did his mom even know who Amy was? Had Derek told his mother that his wife had had a child years before they met and had given her up for adoption? Amy didn't know how close Derek and his mom were, but Amy had a hard time believing that he had gone to the trouble to explain everything to her. She couldn't even begin to imagine that conversation between a mother and a son.

It was bound to be awkward, regardless, but it couldn't be worse than being at Mom's, now. Amy suspected her mother didn't even notice that she and Caden had left. When and if she did notice, she knew Amy's phone number.

"You started college this fall, right?" Derek asked when they were all three settled in the car, and he'd turned his car on. Rock the Casbah by The Clash started blaring out of the speakers when Derek first started the car, but Derek quickly turned the music off. Too bad, because Amy had a soft spot for The Clash, despite the fact most of her peers had no idea who they were. Their loss.

"Yes," Amy replied. "I'm taking pre-med classes at Columbia here in New York City."

"So you live at home?" Derek asked.

"No," she said. She had considered moving home after her dad died, but in the end, she'd decided it probably wasn't the best idea. Yes, she would be closer to Caden, but she needed space; space that living on campus provided her. "I live in a dorm with two other girls."

Living with roommates had been an adjustment, because she'd always had her own room. It was weird sharing a room with three girls and a bathroom with fifteen. All the girls on her hall had to share the same bathroom, and there wasn't much room for privacy. Fortunately, she hadn't walked in on anything too disturbing yet. They had a secret code for when one of them was busy in the room. They would put a hair tie on the doorknob so the other girls knew not to enter.

"That must be fun. I remember being in college," Derek said. "I shared a room with my best friend my freshman year."

"That must have been nice. Better than sharing a room with two perfect strangers, at least, like me." Amy grunted. She had nothing against Tiffany and Brittany, but they partied a little too hard for Amy's liking. She was in school to become a doctor, not to party and get drunk and all that crap, but she felt like if she didn't drink, they might kick her out of her dorm room. She'd seen what some of the girls had done to Lacey, who was probably the biggest nerd at Columbia. She was also a good-two-shoes Jesus freak who didn't drink and was waiting until marriage.

Tiffany, Brittany, and some other girls had tossed used condoms into Lacey's dirty laundry basket, which she had taken home to her parents' house one weekend. Her mom had done her laundry and found them, which had ended in a lengthy, "I thought you were saving yourself," lecture from her Bible-loving parents. Amy didn't want to be their next target, so she went along with whatever they were doing as long as it meant she could be cool.

She knew it was stupid to give into peer pressure. She'd never been that girl. In high school, she didn't mind that she was nerdy and different, but something changed inside her when she started college. She didn't know what it was, but she knew college was the foundation of her future. If she was weird in college, she would never fit into society.

Her mom, if she were in her right mind, would kill her if she knew all the crap she'd done since starting college. Amy partly blamed herself for her father's death. As if it was punishment for all the bad things she'd done.

"Well, if you ever need help in school, you know I was a pre-med student once, too," Derek said, and Amy sighed. She tried to imagine Derek and Meredith at eighteen years old. Amy remembered Meredith saying she'd been nineteen when she'd gotten pregnant with her. Amy couldn't believe she would be nineteen in four months. She couldn't imagine getting knocked up any time soon. She wasn't dumb enough not to use protection, though. No glove, no love, was her motto, though she hardly considered any of the sex she'd had as love. It was anything but.

She wasn't sure if she even knew the definition of making love. Maybe it was just a myth. After what what her ex, and first love, had done, Amy was certain she would never give her heart to anyone ever again.

"Right," Amy said. "Okay, it's my turn to ask questions now."

"Shoot away," Derek said.

"Did you and Meredith get divorced or something after I showed up? Did I destroy your marriage? Because if I did, I'm sorry. I really didn't intend to do that. That wasn't in my intentions at all. I mean, how could I have known that you ended up marrying my birth mother? Like that's such a freaky coincidence."

She watched Derek intently. His smile instantly fell.


Derek felt like his insides were twisting into knots. His stomach churned. Did you and Meredith get a divorce? God, why would she think that? The mere thought nauseated Derek.

He'd honestly never even considered the possibility of him and Meredith divorcing. It had been rough between them lately; it was rough before he moved to DC. It had been rocky before Obama wanted him to relocate to DC, which was only days after Amy showed up. The rockiness started long before Amy when the president first wanted him to consult from Seattle, causing him to spend more time working and less time stepping back like he promised Meredith he would. Regardless, Amy wasn't the only trigger set off that had erupted issues between Meredith and him. With or without Amy, his relationship with his wife would be a challenge.

"You didn't destroy Meredith's and my marriage, and we're not divorced," Derek declared.

"You don't sound so confident about that," Amy quipped. He locked eyes with her. She was a bright girl; he could tell that. She had a knowing look in her eye that reminded him of her mother. Meredith. Meredith always had a way of reading right through him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You just don't," Amy stated. "I hope you're not taking it out on her too hard for not telling you about her. I mean, she didn't tell me, either, so…"

That brought a smile to Derek's face. "If anything, she's been taking it out hard on me," Derek said, biting his lip almost instantly. Amy didn't need to know about Meredith's and his issues. "What I mean to say is, it's more complicated than that. I'm not mad at her for not telling me about you." Which he supposed was true now. He had bigger issues to worry about in the present.

"I am," Amy retorted.

"Huh?"

"I mean, you're with someone for so long, and you have children with them. You think that they would be honest with you about if they've had kids before, right? It's like being with someone and having them cheat on you."

"Meredith would never cheat on me," Derek argued. Would she? He had cheated been cheated on before by Addison. He'd never thought Addison would cheat on him, or that he would cheat on her. Yet, he had cheated on Addison with Meredith. Meredith had been furious when she found out, but she still willingly had sex with him at the prom, knowing he was still married.

Still, she'd voiced that she felt bad about being a dirty mistress. She and Mark had even started a "Dirty Mistresses" club, apparently. She'd never told him this; Mark had. For some reason, he had to learn things about his wife from other people, which he'd never been particularly fond of, but there was nothing he could do about it. The point was, cheating happened, even if you didn't plan on it happening.

"I didn't say she would. I was just using that as an example," Amy explained.

"Okay," Derek said, groaning as he slammed on his brakes. There was a huge line of traffic. He shouldn't have expected anything else on Christmas Eve in New York City. He would be lucky to make it to his mom's by dinner. Christmas Eve Dinner. God, he hadn't been to a Christmas Eve Dinner at his mother's in years. He imagined Kate, Nancy, Liz, and their families would be there, as usual. Amelia wouldn't come; she hadn't been at a Christmas Eve Dinner since she was eighteen and had the freewill to do whatever she wanted.

He hadn't seen his nieces and nephews in years, either. They were all grown up now; he'd seen pictures that his sisters sent annually, usually around Christmas or New Years, since he wasn't an active participant on social media. Life was for living, not wasting away in front of a computer screen. If they wanted to keep in touch with him, they knew how to reach him.

Derek hadn't seen this year's pictures, though, since he was in DC, and he suspected that they'd been mailed to his house in Seattle. He hoped Meredith had put them in a safe place so he could see them later.

"What about the kids?" Amy asked suddenly, taking him by surprise.


Amy's biggest pet peeve was when parents weren't there for their children. It was one reason she couldn't even look at her mother right now. Selfishly, her mother was thinking about her pain, instead of Amy's and Caden's. Amy was afraid that if she saw her mother again and she was in the same condition she'd been last time, she would tell her off to no end.

She thought of the little girl and boy she'd met in Seattle last spring when she'd visited. Now they would be spending Christmas without their daddy, and that made Amy sad. It made her sadder than the fact that it sounded like Derek and Meredith's marriage was holding on by a single thread, if there was even a thread left. For what it was worth, Amy was glad that her dad wasn't existing somewhere else on the other side of the country. He was gone and wasn't coming back, and she could learn to accept that. He wasn't intentionally choosing to live somewhere without her. He hadn't chosen to leave her mother, Caden, and her at all.

However, regardless, Derek had chosen to work in DC where his wife and children were not, and Amy wasn't one hundred percent certain she could forgive him for that, even if it wasn't his fault that he couldn't get a flight to Seattle today for Christmas.

"What about them?" Derek asked.

"It's not fair to them," Amy said. "That you're here and they're there. I … I can't imagine."

Derek wore his sadness in his eyes. Amy had never seen someone talk so loudly with their eyes before. "You're right, it's not fair," he admitted. "I hate myself for it."

"It would be easier if you were dead," Amy said, her voice darkening, and she sort of regretted saying it, especially with Caden in the backseat. The child had not spoken a word, though, so she imagined he had spaced out like he often seemed to do. She and Caden had one trait in common: They were skilled at spacing out and ignoring the world around them.

Amy was just beginning to realize how important it was to pay attention and focus on her surroundings.

Derek's eyes widened. "Why would you even say that?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "It's just … it's easier when you know your dad isn't coming home. It's easier to accept than wondering when he's coming."

"Amy, did something happen to your dad?" Derek asked.

Amy turned her head and looked out the window. Her throat burned as tears filled her eyes.

"He's gone," she whispered.


It would be easier if you were dead, Amy's words stung his heart. As someone had grown up without a father, he understood what Amy meant. His dad had never made the conscious choice to leave him, his sisters, and his mother. That choice had been taken from his father. It wasn't his father's choice to make.

Yet Derek had made the conscious decision to leave Meredith, Zola, and Bailey to pursue his dream job. He had been forced to choose between his dreamhouse and his dream job, and he hated it immensely. He desperately wanted his family with him; that was why he wanted to move them to DC with him. He'd thought that he could find a new dreamhouse in DC as long as Meredith and his kids were with him. His dreamhouse was wherever they were. Why did he have to sacrifice one for the other? It didn't seem fair.

Was Meredith sacrificing him for Seattle? Why was Seattle more important than him? He didn't understand. He couldn't understand.

And he couldn't explain his feelings to an eighteen year old, because he knew there was no way she would understand either. He didn't know where to turn for help. Maybe he could talk to his mom. He missed his talks with his mom. He had stopped confiding in his mom after Addison cheated on him, which had led to him fleeing to Seattle and eventually their divorce. He'd been so humiliated and ashamed of himself. His mom was Catholic, and Catholics don't believe in divorce. Deep down, he knew his mother was ashamed of him. He'd always been her prodigy, and he felt like he had let her down.

He couldn't let her down again.

He had to make this work with Meredith. Derek was the only one of his siblings to get divorced. Divorcing once was a sin. He would become the laughing stock of the family if he divorced twice.

Maybe Amy was right. He'd be better off dead than divorced. At least then Meredith would be free to find a better father for their children without worrying about cheating on him. She would never cheat, he thought, hoping and praying that his gut was right about that.

Then he saw the tears festering in Amy's eyes as she spoke the words, "He's gone."

"Your dad?" Derek asked.

Amy nodded. "He had a heart attack shoveling snow on the day after Thanksgiving. And now my mom's drinking away her sorrows. That's why I took Caden and ran and called you, because I didn't know anyone else whose dad had died and I figured you'd understand. It's a toxic environment for him, and I had to get him out of it. It's not fair." Amy was bawling now, and the traffic hadn't moved in at least five minutes.

Derek placed the car in park and unfastened his seat belt to extend his arm around Amy.


She leaned into him. The first thing she noticed was he smelled good. She didn't recognize his cologne, but it smelled good. He flattened his hand on her back and rubbed circles around her the center of her shoulder blades. "Shh," she heard him hum. She wondered if he'd ever comforted Meredith like this before. If so, she had a feeling it wasn't in the middle of New York City traffic.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I shouldn't be crying like this … not in front of my brother."

"It's okay," a tiny voice came from behind. "It's okay, Amy." Caden's voice grew stronger. She turned around and saw Caden's wide eyes peering at her. "I'm not a little kid anymore, Amy. I know Mom is sad."

"It's not okay what she's doing to you. I want to protect you," she sobbed.

"I know," Caden said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And you're doing a really good job of it. I'm glad you took me away from the house. I don't want to see Mom like that."

Amy nodded, reaching for Caden's hand. "It's going to be okay."

Caden nodded. "Derek's going to take care of us, right?"

Derek smiled. "Yes, I am. If you want, I can even go talk to your mom."

Amy's eyes widened. "You would do that? I mean, you don't have to...I just...you really don't have to if you don't want to. Wouldn't it be weird?" She'd told her mom all about Derek and Meredith when she got home. Her mom had consoled her through her tears. It would definitely be weird if Derek showed up and lectured her mom for being a bad mother.

"Actually, I know the perfect person to send to talk to your mom. Someone better than me who's been in her exact shoes," Derek said, smiling gently, just as a honk blared from behind them, signaling that traffic was moving again. Derek refastened his seatbelt and placed the car back into drive.


Derek admitted that he had almost forgotten what his first home looked like. Sure, things had probably changed from the last time he had been there, but he didn't remember the porch swing at all, nor owning all those strings of Christmas lights decorating the roof.

He suspected Bill had a hand in it, because his other two brothers in law weren't the types to climb on ladders just to hang Christmas decorations. Bill loved Christmas just as much as Nancy disliked it, and it always brought a smile on Derek's lips.

The more he looked at the house, though, the more he felt like home. Like he belonged.

Since he had moved to DC, he had forgotten about that feeling. Seattle was home. New York was home. DC would never be home.

Derek turned to see Amy shake awake Caden, softly poking him until his eyes opened. His heart squeezed for his two children back in Seattle, knowing they wouldn't get to spend their Christmas with their father. Selfish didn't even seem to cover what he felt. Taking care of Amy, who was sort of family now, didn't seem to lessen the guilt. Amy and Caden weren't going to spend Christmas with their father either, after all.

"I haven't been home for Christmas in a few years, but I'm warning you, it gets loud," Derek said, trying to crack a joke and relax Amy's tense face. "If you want to leave, or Caden wants to leave, just let me know, and we'll figure out something."

Derek rang the doorbell, unsure of what to expect behind the wooden door. He wasn't all that surprised when a child opened the door, though.

Her hair was collected in pigtails and she wore a confused frown on her face. She looked about six or seven, and for a second, Derek had a hard time placing her.

"Uncle Derek?" she asked tentatively, and he managed a smile in return. And then it clicked, and he figured out right away to whom she belonged to.

"Lily?"

Her smile brightened and she bounced a little on the balls of her feet. He had gotten that right.

"Oh my, you're a giant already. I remember when you did nothing but sleep," Derek joked, relaxing when he realized that he wasn't a complete stranger anymore.

"Sleep is for babies, Uncle Derek."

"Well, you were a baby last time I saw you!" He winked, making Lily giggle.

"Mommy! Nana!" Lily called out. "Uncle Derek is here!"

There was a commotion as his mother's face peeked from the kitchen door.

"Derek?" she spluttered, looking surprised as she wiped her hands on her apron.

"Surprise!" He grinned, trying to look cheeky. His mother broke into a wide smile.

"Come on in out of the cold," she said, ushering him and his guests inside.

"I hope you don't mind I brought a couple of friends along," he sighed, closing the door behind Caden.

"Of course I don't, there's plenty of food for everyone," she smiled, though he already knew about all the questions he had to answer when Amy and Caden weren't within earshot.

"Amy, Caden, this is my mother, Carolyn."

Both kids greeted her, and of course his mother enveloped them in hugs.

"Call me Nana, just like everybody else your age does."

Amy shot Derek a warning look, but he simply gave her a reassuring nod, telling her to go with it. She swallowed thickly, but he tried to reassure her with a look that said everything would be okay.

Derek was trying to use the same calming techniques he used on Meredith, and they seemed to work most of the time. He knew it was uncanny how alike the two were when they had spent almost two decades apart. Amy made the oldest nature-versus-nurture debate come to the surface all over again.

Carolyn dragged Amy and Caden away from him, probably directing them to the playroom to meet all his other nieces and nephews, Lily next to Carolyn asking question after question.

Seeing Lily already talking and being her own little person made him realize how long had passed since he visited his mother for Christmas, or saw his sisters in the flesh, instead of through a screen. The guilt over this was not as overwhelming as the fact that he was completely missing Christmas in Seattle and the sight of Meredith and the kids at the presents he sent over, but it still gave him a lump in his throat.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Lizzie smirked when he peeked in the living room.

All the sisters were already lounging on the couch, gossiping about who knows what, the husbands forgotten somewhere, most likely watching the kids. It was odd to see them all together like this, but he couldn't help but smile.

"Jeez, you look awful, Derek," Kathleen commented, though she pulled him into a firm hug.

While he had seen Lizzie and Nancy through the years, Kathleen had never visited him in Seattle, and being honest, he had missed her. She was quieter than all the rest of the sisters, but she knew exactly what to say to him when he needed it. He was pretty sure if she knew what his life was like at the moment, she'll book him a five-hour session on her couch right away.

"It's so good to see you, Kate. I've missed you."

"You could have come visiting," Nancy jabbed, winning a look from the other two sisters. Still, she came closer and hugged him, kissing his cheek in a greeting.

Derek was the one to hug Lizzie instead, part of him still feeling in debt over what she did for his career and his hand. He squeezed her tightly, making her giggle as she patted his back and reciprocated the tight hug.

"This is a nice surprise." Lizzie smiled. "Where are Meredith and the kids? Did Mom kidnap them already?"

"No, they … They're in Seattle. I came here with a … friend."

"You have a girlfriend? You divorced the intern already?" Nancy asked, looking almost happy about it.

"What? Of course not!" He shook his head, trying to be believable, because at this point he had no idea where he and Meredith stood. He only knew divorce was not an option. "First, my friend is eighteen. She's a former patient of mine," he lied, unsure on how to define Amy. Surely Meredith's long-lost daughter from a one night stand when she was eighteen herself is not the right introduction. "She's having some family trouble and reached out for help, so I brought her here. She has a ten-year-old brother, they both deserve a good Christmas."

"Well, Shepherds can do Christmas," Lizzie commented, eying him funnily but not asking more uncomfortable questions.

"Why you?" Nancy prodded instead.

"I'm the only one she knows who lost a dad."

His last sentence did the trick, because all three sisters seemed to freeze in their spots, feeling an immediate connection with Amy.

Only then his mother entered the living room, a pensive look on her face.

"I showed Amy and Caden the playroom and they both seem to be opening up to all the children there," she explained, and Derek felt immediately better he had found the right place for the siblings. "Now, what's their story?"

"Derek says she was a former patient. She reached out to him because they lost their dad." Kathleen explained softly, glancing at Derek for confirmation.

"Yeah, she's right. So they settled okay?"

"Yes." His mother smiled, touching his shoulder. "Can you come and help me with turkey? I was just about to start preparing the stuffing and the mashed potatoes when you guys came in."

Derek knew it was not a polite request but an order, and part of him was glad everything was just about the same as it had been last time he spent Christmas in New York.

"Of course. I'll be happy to help," he agreed, even though it didn't feel much of a chore.

When he left the kitchen, he could already hear the buzz of his sisters debating who exactly Amy and Caden where, and he was glad he had an escape. He has missed them, but when they were all together like this – and without Amelia by his side – they could be a tidbit scary.

Before he joined his mother, he picked up his phone and found his last made calls. On the other end, the phone rang for a few seconds before a voice answered.

"Hey, Callie. Hi," he sighed, relieved that she had answered. "Are you busy?"

"No, just got out of surgery. Last minute details to figure out?" she asked, and he could almost see her grin on the other side.

He sighed gravely, instead. "No, there's a terrible snowstorm and there are no planes flying in at SeaTac, I'm not coming to Seattle."

"What?!"

"Look, I need you to be me. I need you to organize the last minute details for Mer's gift and … be me."

"Derek –"

"Please. I start working again in two days and I can't fly in and out. Basically I'm off because the offices are locked and they aren't giving me any time off yet. I wish I could teleport but –"

"Alright. I'll be you. Only without all the kissing and the annoying cheesy looks. I'm not kissing your wife."

"Oh, good. Thank you." He shrugged, the joke barely registering. "Can you please record it when she gets her gift? Or pictures. anything, really…"

"I will. If she doesn't kill me. You owe me, Shepherd."

"I know. God, I know."

"Are you all alone in DC, then?" she asked, a hint of pity in her tone.

"I drove up to New York, I'm with my mother. I figured it was the next best option."

"Oh, good. I'd hate for you to be alone."

Derek sighed loudly. "Thank you for your help, Callie. Even before this, just...thank you. It really means a lot to me."

"I know. And I'm doing this for Meredith," she said, but this time he caught her joking tone. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Callie."

By the time he hung up the phone he was already in the kitchen, and his mother was already as busy as ever near the stove.

"Here," his mother said, thrusting the potato peeler in his hand and eying the pot of potatoes near the stove. "I'll start the stuffing."

For a moment they worked in silence as his mother gathered the ingredients she needed nearby and he tried not to scorch his fingers with the still hot potatoes.

"Is everything okay, Derek?"

The question from his mother came almost too slowly, but he still didn't feel prepared to answer. Because, truth to be told, he had no idea himself, so he breathed in and out, hoping to delay the inevitable.

"Derek, you look like you did that last Christmas you were in New York, only a few months before you moved to Seattle. I know something is wrong." His mother's tone didn't leave any room for him to avoid the conversation.

"I miss Meredith. And the kids." He figured this could be a safe topic, a right explanation for his hollow eyes, but of course his mother didn't take the bait.

"Are you separated? Is that why you're here and not in Seattle?"

"No, I was supposed to fly back but there was a snowstorm and there are no planes until tomorrow at least, probably even Boxing Day and…" he sighed. "I miss being there. I had a surprise planned for Meredith, for her present, and I'm missing it."

His mother shook her head while he kept peeling the potatoes, the ache in his heart masking the ache he felt in his fingertips.

"Derek, why are you in DC?" Her voice was void of all accusations, unlike Meredith's – or his own – have been lately. Yet, her curiosity was there, together with confusion.

"I told you, Ma. When Obama bellows, you can't say no. It was probably the biggest career opportunity I would ever have. I can make a change for the future, really change the world for Zola and Bailey and all the kids in the playroom."

"Is it worth leaving your family behind?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat, his hands still now, his eyes fixated on the table and the half-finished potato.

Luck was on his side again because Andrew, Kathleen's youngest, decided that it was the right moment to come in and beg for a cookie. Of course his grandmother didn't give in and told him to wait for dinner to start or he would spoil all the turkey, but it effectively cut the conversation short, much to Derek's relief. He wasn't ready to talk about his crumbling marriage just yet. Who could ever be ready to admit that his life was falling apart?

"Who are Amy and Caden, really?" His mother asked, touching another nerve. And yet, he knew that was another unavoidable conversation, and he had to roll with it.

"I found Amy at the hospital when she was a newborn, I was the doctor who found her, hours after she was born. She was looking for some information about her birth mother and she came looking for me, I guess because she thought I had answers."

"In DC?" Carolyn asked, the stuffing forgotten for a moment as she focused fully on him.

"No, I was still in Seattle at the time. She's from New York, though. Caden is her brother through adoption."

"And she sought you again in DC?"

"I told her she could call if she ever needed anything," he admitted, knowing there was very little he could hide from his mother, so he'd better be honest as much as he could.

"Did she find any answers about her birth mother, then? Were you able to help her?"

He couldn't help it, a bitter laugh escaped his lips. "I married her answer."

His mother's eyes were wide, then. Very wide. And very full of questions. She was begging him to go on.

"She's Meredith's biological daughter. Meredith was still studying for her undergrad in Dartmouth when she fell pregnant. She came to New York to find the baby's father, but she never did."

"And then you found her. That's quite the coincidence."

Derek couldn't help but laugh bitterly again. "She never told me about her. Never. I had no clue about Amy's existence until she actually showed up in my hospital."

His mother moved closer to him, her hand squeezing his shoulder tenderly. "That's why she's here, isn't it?" she murmured, practically reading his subconscious mind. "She's family. Amy is family."

Derek shook his head, but he couldn't put it any other way. "Sometimes I look at her and she's Meredith. She's all Meredith. It's uncanny how alike they are when they spent their lives on two different sides of the country."

"I've met Meredith only briefly, but I thought they looked alike right away," his mother said, squeezing his shoulder more firmly.

"She has her father's eyes, though. Even if I don't know him, those are not Meredith's." He had no idea why he said that, but his mother only hummed in response, not saying anything.

"Even if she has her own family, right now you're acting like her dad, Derek." His mother's words made him swallow thickly, and he wondered if she could be right. If he was projecting his desire to be a father at Christmastime on her since his kids were on the other side of the country. Part of him couldn't deny the connection he felt with Amy, and he blamed the fact that he held her when she was a newborn and that she was half Meredith.

"Speaking of dads," he introduced, trying to change the subject, as he gathered back his own composure. "Amy called me because her mother is falling apart after her dad died. She's drinking and she's not herself, so she wanted to take Caden somewhere safe. She told me they don't have much of a family, and she had no idea where to go."

"Meredith – "

"The meeting didn't go well. At all." He cut her short, and he was lucky his mother wasn't one to pry, unlike his sisters.

"But she trusts you to keep her safe."

"Yes. And I guess if I couldn't be with my own family this Christmas, being with her is the next best thing. And I was going to come here either way, with or without Amy."

His mother smiled, shaking her head. "It's good to have you here, even though I'm sorry you're missing your Christmas with Meredith and the children."

"It's good to be here. I've missed being around family," he admits. "Also, I was going to ask you to talk to Amy's mom. If you want. And if Amy wants."

His mother smiled almost knowingly, giving an imperceptible nod. "Of course I'll try to talk to her if Amy is okay with it. I know what it's like."

Derek took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the photo of their family he could see in the corridor, his eyes drawn to his father as usual. Being here reminded him how long it's actually been since he died. He had spent more years of his life without his dad now, and he had no idea how to make sense of that detail.

"Mom, you've been a widow for so long … Don't you regret it?" he blurted, unable to keep his tongue in check.

"What, marrying your father? Why would I regret it?"

"You could have married someone else, had a lifetime with him. Or you could have remarried –"

"Derek, even if I had a month with your father, or even a day, before he was taken away, he would have been worth it. He's worth all the years I've been widowed, and no one can replace him. I could settle with someone else who is just as alone as I am, and believe me, it would be nice to have someone in my old age, but I'd never love anyone as much as I love your father. That's why it's worth it."

"Even when you're lonely."

"Oh, I'm hardly lonely. I'm always surrounded with people who need me. And it's okay, even if the other half of the bed is always empty."

Derek had no idea why he brought up Dad, but it just came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop, and of course his mother baffled him with her answer. Because he knew what an empty bed felt like, and he had no regrets either, just like she did. And it scared him, how much he loves Meredith. It was a scary thought that she might have gotten tired of him and ask for a divorce, and he'd be left alone forever. Nobody would ever compare to Meredith, and the idea that he might have compromised that forever choked him sometimes.

"Call your wife, Derek."

He looked up at his mother with wide eyes, wondering how she could read him so well. But then again, she probably had a sixth sense about him, just like Meredith had a sixth sense about Zola and Bailey. Maybe he should pitch in a research about that connection to the BRAIN people, because it surely was eerily fascinating.

"I don't want to fight with her on Christmas Eve."

"Why on earth would you call her to fight?"

"Because I was supposed to be there and her gift is super cheesy, so I'm sure she's going to hate me more than she does on an average day," he chuckled, laced with everything but humor.

"What could possibly be so cheesy that would make Meredith so mad at you?"


Irene's A/N: What could be Meredith's present indeed? And how much trouble do you think Derek is in? Lots of food for thought in this chapter, uh? Thank you for reading and loving this still.