A/N: So how was everybody's holiday? Good, I hope. Last day of 2014, so let's break out the party hats, confetti, and all that, and party alongside our friends and family. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it.
Anyway, I wasn't kidding when I said I rediscovered my drive for this. It feels freakin' awesome, if I do say so myself, and I have you guys to thank for it. The kind words, I'm serious, are just amazing. I couldn't ask for more, and I wish I could give more.
Now, this chapter, I'll be honest, I'm a bit nervous about. It dives a bit deeper into Joel in a new way that hasn't really been explored in depth with either the Last of Us itself or TCS, so hopefully I did it right for you guys.
Well, now that I got my anxieties out of the way, here ya go. I should have another chapter up this week, at least, so let's keep the fingers crossed. Happy New Year!
Chapter 9: Golden Eyes
The cold water ran through his cracked fingers as he rinsed his arms and hands, splashing it up into his graying face as he tried to calm himself after the episode he'd just witnessed seconds ago. The bathroom was small, and consisted of a shower, a toilet and a sink, but that was just enough. Running his fingers through his hair, his eyes clenched shut, Joel searched his brain for answers, for something that he could do for her during a time like this. It had been the second today, this one actually worse than the last one. Granted, her first had resulted in a minor concussion, however this had to of crippled her sanity even if only slightly.
Looking up into the mirror, water dripping from his nose and chin, he looked to the reflected Joel and asked him what he would do. Naturally, there wasn't an answer.
He listened out for her, hoping that he wouldn't hear her screams again. They were terrifying, doing something to him that nothing in this world had ever been able to do prior. It had to be the bastard she'd encountered before their arrival at Salt Lake. What in God's name had he done to her? Joel wished he'd been there, before the cannibal had done whatever he did. He wished he were able to confront the sick fuck, and do what Ellie did before she ever had the chance to.
Leaning on the sink, his arms extended as he shut his eyes again and looked downward, Joel willed for some answer to come, something that could solve all their problems. He couldn't bare to watch her go through that again. Despite him being right beside her, it felt like he was completely out of the loop. That he had no say or effect on what happened with her. It destroyed a part of him to think that way, to see that shit. Pretty soon, he would be the one trembling on the floor, Ellie not knowing what to do.
Joel heard him enter before he saw him. He offered Grant his towel in which he used to rub on his face, cleaning the sweat from his sharp features. The blonde-haired doctor exhaled deeply as he stared off into space, stressed out nearly as much as Joel was. His blue eyes were distant, questioning. It had been a long time since he'd seen something this extreme, and Ellie's case was something a bit more beyond that word. There really wasn't anything left in the world that could truly help her through what she was going with, so they had to improvise. That seemed like it could cause more troubles than actually solving them.
"Has she been taking her meds," Grant asked, speaking of which.
Joel shook his head, pressing his lips together in a fine line.
"No, she hasn't. We've been forgetting."
Grant cleared his throat, placing a hand on Joel's shoulder as he brought the aging man's attention to him.
"You need to remember. That's all that's standing between her and a psychoatic breakdown. I don't know how much more serious her condition is going to become."
"She's never been this bad. All the shit she'd done, that she'd seen, why is this an issue now?"
Pff. I've seen worse.
"Joel, everybody has that certain point. It's just natural. Whatever happened between the time you arrived here and when you returned, something must've cracked through the hard shell she'd built up around her. It could be multiple factors, really."
Yeah, it could. The cannibal that had his hands on her. Her friend that had died three weeks before Joel met her. God, a little girl her age should not deal with the things she does.
"I feel like I'm powerless, Grant. Like there's nothing I can do."
"What you did was the right thing, Joel. You did all you could do, and that's about all anybody could ask."
"What if this happens again."
"Frankly, it probably will. I doubt she'd just mentally heal this quickly after an episode as bad as this one. We just need to keep an eye on her."
"I just..."
"She needs to figure this out on her own, Joel. Ellie has to beat it by herself, all we can do is help her along."
"No girl her age should suffer the way she does."
"This day and age, she definitely isn't the only one."
Something about what Grant said stirred him a little for some reason. Not at him, but at the world and their situation. It reminded him a little too much.
Turns out, there's a whole lot more like you, Ellie.
"I'm going to stay over night, make sure she rests well and that this doesn't relapse from anything such as dreaming, which can be a solid factor. Speaking of which, has she been having frequent nightmares, Joel?"
He looked at Grant with a concerned expression on his face. She had been, hadn't she. Just the night before, and she'd refused to tell him about it.
"Occasionally, she does wake in the middle of the night. Actually, she did just last night."
"Then I need to keep an eye on her."
"You don't need to worry about it, Grant."
"Joel, relax. I worry. I'm not asking to sit at her bedside all night. I just want to be in the area."
Joel felt a little uncomfortable with this. However, this was Grant, not some random doctor. If he could trust anybody, he was one of them.
Joel backed away from the sink, taking the towel from Grant and flipping it to the semi-clean side, wiping the water from his face and holding it to his head, a headache once again pounding away inside. He nodded towards the doctor, exiting the bathroom and walking silently down the hall to Ellie's bedroom. Peaking through the door, he saw her nestled under the covers, fast asleep, most of her face hidden behind her arms as she snored away into the pillow. Grant was along side him, looking to Ellie and then back to Joel.
"She'll be fine, Joel. People beat PTSD all the time."
"Yeah, maybe twenty some years ago."
"Ellie can do it. She's strong willed and stubborn. How do you think she's put up with you for so long?"
He patted Joel on the side, and was rewarded with a snort. He was smiling, however, so his humor was successful again. Good thing to note.
Grant walked back down the hall and down the stairs, before switching on the light and sipping away at his cold coffee. He winced a tad bit, not appreciating the absence of its heat, but decided to ignore it. Joel followed him, walking to the Keurig that sat on the counter, plugged into the wall. He had Maria to thank for that, it being the main gift for his birthday a few months back. Popping in a hazelnut, pressing a few commands, and starting the machine, he watched the brown fluid poor into his mug. Grant cleared his throat a second time.
"You know, all this shit aside, I think Tommy was wanting to talk to you."
Joel looked from the coffee maker and raised an eyebrow at him.
"Eh?"
"Yep."
The Keurig clicked off as the fluid stopped, before Joel took the mug from the machine and walked over to the little island in the center of the kitchen, plucking a few packets of sugar. He began to individually tear them in two, pouring the contents into the coffee.
"I suggest you go."
Joel looked back at him, the same expression on his face.
"You really think I want to talk to him right now?"
"Joel, the two of you need to talk. That's probably the best thing for the both of you at this moment."
"Fuck that."
Joel leaned back against the counter, sipping away at the coffee in his hand. The smell and flavor of hazelnut took him back to the shops he and his wife would visit long before Sarah. Then, when he and Sarah would go years later when his wife was no longer a part of his life. It brought pain but also nostalgia as he drank the warm fluid, kick starting his body a second time that day.
"Joel..."
"Grant, I'm not leaving Ellie. Not after tonight, and it's as simple as that."
"Joel, Ellie's asleep. There's nothing more either of us can do at the moment. Tommy's at the mess hall with the survivors we took in today, and so is Maria. I think it would be best for you to go and amend..."
"Since when was this your business?"
"It's not, you're right, but..."
"Then shut up about it, Grant. I'm not going."
"Jesus, Joel. You sound like a little kid with that attitude."
"Grant, I swear..."
"Look, somebody has to push you a little, Joel. It'd be best for the both of you if you just go talk it out about whatever the hell's going on."
"Not this, Grant. Not this. Just drop it."
The two stood in silence for a few minutes, each almost expecting to hear Ellie's screams shake the house again that night. However, the silence proved otherwise. Joel was a bit agitated at Grant's persistence, but as he thought about it, he knew he had a point. He and Tommy would begin to grow further and further apart the longer he didn't confront him about it. There wouldn't necessarily be punches thrown, as far as he knew, and chances had to be taken to secure his relationship with his little brother.
Rubbing his nose, before sipping his coffee, he looked at Grant who looked back at him, eyebrows raised as if it were a pleading look. Not necessarily pleading, but in the same category. Joel laughed.
"Grant, I swear. If you were anybody else, I'd hit you."
"Well, good to know I'm on your good side, then."
They both chuckled, before Joel finished the coffee, and placed the mug in the sink. A bit more energized than before, he began walking to the door.
"You sure she's in good hands," Joel said, pointing a finger in Ellie's direction.
"Since when have you not had faith in me, Joel. She'll be fine."
Joel placed a hand on the doorknob, looking at Grant as the latter nodded to the former in encouragement. Joel then gestured towards the television in the corner of the room.
"If you're so determined to stay here, there's a couple of movies over there."
"Well, then I guess I'll have a look."
Joel was already out the door, albeit hesitant to leave Ellie behind in such a state. Grant knew what he was doing, however, and was very trustworthy. She'd be fine, and this was a bit more important at the moment. Tommy and Joel were at each other's throats over this, and it was time that he settled it with his brother. If there was strain on their relationship as a result, then so be it. However, the words Joel played through his head needed to be said, or he might go a little insane himself.
Back in the fresh air, to his surprise, Joel took a deep breath, his eyes closed as he tried to rid himself of the thickness in his chest. The weight was almost unnatural, adding more to it by just being there in the first place. Rubbing a hand through his hair for the thousandth time that night, he held it there in suspension as he walked to the street, locks of the gray strands bunched together in his fist, spilling through his fingers. A few stars dotted the sky, however clouds had begun to pop up here and there, as the smell of the storm still lingered, like a fossil of what once existed. His boots squeaked on the asphalt, a dripping noise occasionally fooling him to be rain when in actuality, it was rainwater falling from the trees. It had been one hell of a storm, that was for sure, and undoubtedly not the last one of the season. This winter was to bring heavy snow, and Joel felt it in his joints. There would probably be one the next day, if history proved accurate with his aging body.
The tightness in him refused to depart, as an actual anxiety filled his system. Joel's chest burned of indigestion as a result. Why would he be on edge for such a thing? This was just Tommy, after all. It was just his little brother. After all the shit he'd seen and done, this was enough to bring nerves? Rubbing his eyebrows with his hand that he pulled from his hair, he almost strayed from the road from the squinting that resulted. How would this play out? Would it amend the situation, or would it spell the end of his and Tommy's relationship? That, again to his surprise, was making him nervous. They butted heads every now and then, sure, but this was his brother. With the exception of Ellie, he was all Joel had left in this world, and the only thing left from the life before this one that seemed to be another lifetime away.
His thoughts raged on for a few moments, tormenting him, revolving around Ellie, Tommy, Salt Lake, the winter prior. His right hand came to his stomach, where the deep scar ran true through his gut. He almost reached around to feel the one on his back adjacent to it, and winced at the thought of the messed up tissue inside his body. Occasionally, he'd still feel the burning sensation shoot through his stomach and back, making him cringe. It actually sparked a vomiting spell one night, one in which neither him nor Ellie were able to regain the bliss of sleep. The thoughts that followed then were far worse than any nightmare that could've followed.
Joel's distraction nearly made him run into the woman walking the same street. She jumped, a slight squeal escaping her lips as she stumbled backward into a light post. Joel, shocked out of his trance, rushed to her aid as he helped her back to her feet. Despite the fact that he'd almost immediately recognized her, and felt a slight sense of dread in all honesty, he was quick to help her. The woman looked up to him, the same startled expression Joel wore reflected on her, as she took his hand and pushed herself to her feet. The woman had blonde hair, a small nose, curved jaw, and was quite attractive. Bits of her hair fell into her eyes as she pushed them aside with two fingers, looking at Joel with a big smile.
"Sorry, Esther. I didn't see ya."
"That's okay, really. I can be a bit clumsy, sometimes."
Joel chuckled, despite his attitude during the whole thing. Tommy, when he wasn't ready to bite his older brother's head from his shoulders, was hard at work getting him and Esther together. He said that it would be "good for him", and would "open him up to the new world a bit more". Joel pulled the BS card hard on that claim, however allowed their attempts without much resistance. He, however, never pursued it. One woman had broke his heart once, he really wasn't interested in repeating the process again. Especially after all the other shit that'd Joel has had to go through.
"What are you doing out and about this late at night," Esther asked.
"Oh, y'know. Watching the stars."
He tried to sound polite, as he knew that she was a really nice person. She really was, however if he showed too much interest, he was afraid he'd be sending the wrong message.
"Really?"
Esther looked up to the sky, following the feigned gaze Joel gave.
"Not many out tonight," she continued.
"I like to... imagine... sometimes."
Shit, that was terrible.
"Imagine," Esther snickered.
"Yeah. I can be an imaginative person."
"Oh really?"
She was chuckling. He wasn't getting anywhere, and it seemed like it was going to stay that way. Joel merely grunted.
"C'mon, now," Esther said cheerfully, patting Joel on the shoulder, "I'm just playin' around. Everything okay?"
Her concern was touching, but a bit unnerving for Joel personally.
"I'm good. It's just..."
He trailed off, unsure whether or not he should tell Esther of Ellie's condition.
"I'm good."
She had her eyebrows raised. Dammit.
"You sure."
"Yep."
Pursing her lips, looking a bit off to the side, Esther nodded. It was as good as an answer as she was probably going to get, and she knew it. Looking back to Joel with a renewed, hyper energy to her, her grin contagious whether Joel liked it or not, she continued.
"So, in all honesty, where are you headed?"
"The mess hall," Joel shrugged.
There was no point in lying to her.
"Oh yeah."
"Yeah. Thought I might help out with the new arrivals."
"Sounds like a good idea. Maybe we should both go."
Well, fucking shit.
How was he supposed to turn her down. Again, she was a nice woman, but Joel just wasn't interested at the moment. She was cute, and she had the personality, but in a world like this, a relationship with somebody was just poison in the veins. It was very hypocritical for him to think that because of Ellie, but she was vastly different. Family was one thing. Romance was another.
Joel really didn't want to talk to anybody, especially one as hyper and happy as Esther was. Not while he was on his way to do what he was about to do. He needed to think about a few things, and couldn't do that talking to somebody. It wasn't personal. It was just bad timing. Yes, that was it. That was what he would tell her. Wait though, why would he need to think deep on things before going to a mess hall. Granted, it made sense in his specific case scenario, but to Esther, who was totally out of the loop, it would sound completely illogical. Maybe he needed the walk there and back, plus some minor work there, to take his mind off things, or even to do the opposite and let him think.
It sort of pieced together.
"Hey, look..."
"Hmm."
"I just... I need to maybe head there alone."
Esther looked a bit confused.
"Why?"
"Well, I just, y'know, have somethings I need to think about."
"What things."
"Private things."
Esther formed an O with her mouth, sort of getting the concept now.
"Oh, I see."
Good God, Joel was terrible at this. I've got the balls to shove a shiv into a man's kneecap, but can't fucking talk to a girl! What is this shit?
Esther looked pretty disappointed, and that was just making Joel feel bad. Well, what the hell was he supposed to do in the first place?
"So... I guess I'll catch ya later?"
Looking off to the side, unsure how to answer, he scratched the back of his head, an awkward silence falling over the two.
This just up and went to hell.
"Yeah, I... sure..."
She nodded, her enthusiastic smile gone.
"Well, okay. I'll see ya then."
Joel smiled and watched Esther begin to walk away. He turned, his back facing hers, and stopped. He could hear her footsteps as she walked away, and shut his eyes as he felt honest to God guilt for just telling her to leave. Since when was this a thing, he didn't know. However, he knew that it would just add to the list of things that was bugging him at the moment, so with a hand on his forehead, he turned back to her.
"Hey, Esther?"
She turned, her smile returning.
"Yes?"
"I don't see why we can't walk together."
Grinning ear to ear, she walked up alongside Joel as the two began to trek the street towards the community mess hall. His hands stuffed in his pockets, the silence filling the air torturously, Joel bit his tongue as he tried to think of something to say. Why should he be complaining, anyway? He has this attractive woman just wanting him with all her might, and the signs were as obvious as the sun in the morning. He should just take this chance at happiness, and if it didn't work out, then oh well. At least he still had Ellie.
"So, um... it's a nice night, huh?"
Esther looked to him, her smile not fading.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
"Not too many stars, but just enough to paint a pretty picture."
"Absolutely."
That was about as far as they got, initially. The mess hall was in view, but still a bit of a walk. It's lights filled the sky, painting it a light shade of brown, as Joel fought through his head for something to talk about. It was about to put him right next to Ellie on that godforsaken bed with the shakes. What could be more terrifying than a girl who likes you, anyway?
The most obvious question popped into his head.
"So... how have you been?"
"Pretty good. Uneventful, but pretty good."
"Well, with the exception of today, of course."
She chuckled again.
"Yeah, definitely."
More silence.
"Uneventful is good. At least in this day and age, anyway."
"Yeah, well, it would be nice to see a little color at some point. Not the kind your probably thinking of, right now, but just something a bit exciting. Like, you know, hunting or something like that."
"Hunters?"
"No... just... for like deer and everything."
Joel pursed his lips, nodding. It was amusing. She was like Ellie on an overdose of caffeine. Personality wise, anyway.
"You good with a gun?"
"Wouldn't still be alive if I wasn't," Esther joked.
Joel chuckled, and surprised himself a third time that night.
"Yeah, that is true."
Out of all the months that Tommy had been trying to set Joel up with her, this was about as deep or long any of their conversations had gotten in that time. It was actually a tad interesting to see what made her tick.
"You have any family, Joel? Besides your brother and daughter, anyway."
Oh. That was a bit too deep.
He hesitated, looking behind him as he tried to think of what to say. He really couldn't blame her, could he. There was no way she knew what he'd gone through, and she was just trying to break the ice. Joel decided to keep it simple.
"Just her and I, that's all."
She nodded.
Joel let the silence fall for a bit that time, as he debated on whether or not he should bring it up to her. Well, if she decided to ask, then she would probably be willing to discuss it when it went the other way eventually. That was inevitable anyway, right?
"What about you?"
Her smile didn't fade, but her eyes grew distant. For a second, the smile almost looked forced, as if to hide the tormented emotion underneath. There was no teeth shown with it, as she looked down to her feet with a slight chuckle. Esther was definitely in deep thought. Boy, they may have both hit a nerve with this one here.
"No... it's just me."
"Just you?"
She nodded.
"Yep."
He nodded in return, looking away as he knew that he too had gone a little too deep. This obviously was a sensitive topic for the both of them, so he tried to think of something to change the subject. Luckily, Esther did it for him.
"So... what do you think of all this?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?"
"Letting those people in?"
Joel pressed his lips tightly, unsure of how to answer her. Should he share his views? Hell, this was half of what had Tommy and Joel at words at the moment, anyway, which meant it was half of why he was on the street talking to this girl instead of at Ellie's side. All in all, it was another sensitive topic.
So, he shrugged.
"I don't know," he said a little too passionately.
Esther, as a result, looked to him with another cocked eyebrow.
"Sounds like you have an opinion."
"It's just..."
"Hey, Joel. Relax. If you're uncomfortable, I won't push."
This intrigued Joel a little. Just that simple sentence. Somebody's ability to maintain a distance for somebody else's comfort was admirable in his opinion, one which he held tight to his chest as these events obviously displayed. He looked at her with his own eyebrow raised, and grinned a little.
"Thank you. Honestly, I don't know. It seems like a bad move no matter what direction we take here."
Esther nodded.
"I agree with you. We don't know these people..."
"Exactly," Joel let out before he could catch the word with his lips. It was a bit passionate in nature, as well.
"You seem a bit passionate about that side."
"Well... I guess I speak from experience..."
"Experience?"
Whoa there, Joel. You're getting a little too comfortable.
This was actually why he felt that he shouldn't get involved with somebody. Joel felt he wouldn't be able to hold an honest relationship, not with his checkered past. How could he tell somebody that he had been a hunter, himself.
I've been on both sides.
"Just... living in this world for two decades. I just have trouble with trust at the moment."
"Do you trust me?"
Her question was a bit out there, and premature to say the least. What was this, their first legitimate conversation?
His answer was even worse, however.
"Probably."
Esther gave him a look, one crossed with amusement and contained laughter.
"Probably?"
"Hey, you asked."
"I expected something a bit more than probably."
She did have a point. They'd known each other for over a year, despite their silence towards the other. Joel had Tommy to thank for that, something else to add to his list when he arrived.
They were laughing now. Joel was a bit shocked, as he didn't expect to open up as much to her as he had now. Just goes to show, maybe there was something soft under that hard shell he'd built up for several years. All it took was one person to break through it, and more would definitely follow.
"You're a funny man, Joel."
He grinned.
"You're not too bad, yourself."
Her incessant grinning grew wider, which obviously was contagious. Tommy had a good point, although he would never be one to say it. Maybe a relationship such as this was what he needed to get himself back onto his feet. Seriously, how long had he been turning her away, shunning her with silence, ignoring her outright? Was it healthy for him? Was it going to help him in the long run? No, it wasn't. Joel took a chance when he let Ellie into his life, maybe he should do it again.
All it took was that one walk, and Joel was a bit more open to Esther. He could feel it, sense it, despite the fact that initially he wanted to deny it. It had been ages since he felt something like this towards another person. All it took was that one little risk. That one extra step.
"We should do this more, Esther," Joel said, his words almost not sounding like his own.
"Absolutely, Joel. I agree."
They'd arrived at the mess hall, and this was where they had to separate. Joel had some serious business with his brother, and it hung over his head like a fucking anvil. There was hope however, and the grin for some reason would not leave his face. Something about that woman was just getting to him for some reason.
Maybe she was the girl that would pull him up on his feet.
