Chapter 9:
Clarke had the gorgeous blade out and was swinging it. She twirled the sword and spun lightly on her feet. The movements felt natural, something that surprised Clarke. Octavia was right, maybe Clarke was a warrior. The movements were therapy, they helped clear her mind and push down her intense feelings. The ones that came of love along with the mourning and despair of losing said love; the ones that were threatening to break her.
No matter how long she danced with the blade cutting the air Lexa's image kept popping into her head. She craved to see her but she resisted the urge, fighting it off with every swing of her blade. She furiously sliced at the air in front her, her momentum building in her frustration. She was losing the battle with her feelings. Clarke twirled again before she froze.
Standing on the other side of the clearing was Lexa.
She had her commander gear on without her sword. She had no face paint either. Clarke remained rooted in her spot as Lexa moved closer and closer, when she was a few feet away Clarke looked away - afraid to see resentment in her eyes. The green eyes that Clarke was sure had held love once.
Lexa cleared her throat awkwardly when Clarke looked away.
Clarke refused to look at her.
"What do you want?" Clarke said her words venom in her mouth, her tone a fine mixture of pain and acid.
"Clarke," Lexa started, "I need to apologize."
Clarke looked up despite herself. She didn't expect that. Lexa took a step closer.
"I'm sorry," Lexa whispered her own voice full of real pain.
Clarke's mind flashed with an image: A knife to Lexa's throat, a knife cutting into her olive neck, the girl small in Clarke's arms and the smallest sincerest whisper of "I'm sorry."
Clarke dropped the sword and turned away, blinking at the image. What the fuck? Why did she have a memory of almost killing Lexa.
"Clarke?" she heard Lexa call to her, breaking her out of her thoughts.
Clarke turned back to her meeting her eyes, "It's alright," she said. And it was. The commander apologized to no one. She knew this was Lexa, what was better she saw Lexa in her eyes and not the commander.
"There you are," Clarke whispered before she could stop herself.
Lexa looked confused and Clarke quickly changed the subject.
"Are you feeling better?"
Lexa nodded, "Things are," she paused looking deep into Clarke's eyes, "a little more clearer today."
Clarke took a step forward, "Do you remember something?"
Lexa nodded, "Yes but I am unsure as to what it means. We were sparring…"
She trailed off as her eyes landed on the sword on the ground. Clarke saw her eyes widen and then look back at Clarke.
"That's mine…" Lexa whispered in disbelief.
Clarke nodded and smiled sheepishly unsure where this was going to head. Truthfully, she did't remember getting the sword from Lexa but she knew it was hers.
Lexa walked over to the sword and bent wincing slightly in pain picking it up. She twirled it before turning back to Clarke. She took a couple steps closer. Clarke found herself holding her breath in the proximity before Lexa adjusted and held the sword out to Clarke like an offering. Clarke looked from the sword to Lexa and saw the small smile on her face.
Clarke took the sword and put it in her scabbard. She saw Lexa's smile grow slightly before it turned to sadness, "I've only given one of those away before…"
Clarke swallowed, "Costia?" She remembered Lexa's story at Finn's pyre. Their first emotional tether. She felt it ground her.
That broke Lexa out of her dazed look, she caught Clarke's eyes, her face serious and full of curiosity she nodded.
"Who are you?" Lexa asked full of wonder.
Clarke shuddered, "I'm no one."
"No." Lexa disagreed, "that is not true. I have been told of your feats Clarke. Your undying need to fix everyone's problems, your resolve and stubbornness. You possess greatness Clarke mom SkaiKru. Leadership qualities that one is born with. I should know."
Clarke smiled ironically, "at least one of us believes that."
"You are Wanheda. You command death and hold fate in your hands, your mind is strong but your heart is stronger." Lexa sounded proud even in awe of Clarke as she spoke.
Just then, another image swarmed Clarke's brain, Lexa and her sparring with her blade ending with Lexa tight against her back a blade to Clarke's chest but no fear in Clarke's body.
She looked at Lexa when the memory stopped, "I remember us sparring," she said and Lexa's cheeks flushed slightly pink. Clarke smiled softly at her, knowing she too remembered holding Clarke tight against her. Clarke blushed too and sat down, Lexa slowly joined her.
The two remained silent but Clarke was just enjoying Lexa's company. The silence didn't bother her when Lexa was around. She found it comfortable and soothing while their minds and memories were so distorted. Clarke lay back on the grass and began to watch the clouds above her. The sky was beautiful from down here. It was a completely different experience than looking down on Earth from space.
"I wish I could remember," she heard Lexa whisper as she too lay back.
Clarke couldn't ignore the longing in her voice, the desperation in her plea. Not remembering, it seemed, was destroying Lexa as much as it was Clarke. Clarke turned her head to look at her, "we will."
That surprised Lexa she too turned her head to look at Clarke. She saw the twitch at the corner of her lips as she offered the hint of a smile, "you carry hope Clarke kom SkaiKru. It is refreshing."
Clarke looked away reluctantly, "Fools are always full of hope."
"I do not believe you're foolish Clarke," Lexa's tone was serious, "you're mind is too strong."
"How do you know?" Clarke asked incredulously.
"I can feel it in my bones," Lexa said softly.
Clarke rolled onto her side so she was facing Lexa absorbing her features and watching the sun dance in her hair.
"Clarke?" Lexa asked.
"Hmm?" Clarke said snapping out of her daze.
"This feels oddly familiar," Lexa shifted so she too was facing Clarke now.
Clarke moved her hand slightly so it was just making contact with the outside of Lexa's hand. Clarke was too afraid to grab for it. She felt tingles in her hand at the contact. "I know what you mean. Almost like we've been here before…" her eyes locked to Lexa's green orbs.
"It feels like another life," Lexa said sadly. "I feel empty Clarke, like I've lost a part of me."
"You mean your memories?" Clarke asked, though she too felt the emptiness in her heart where their memories of each other should be.
"No," Lexa replied simply, "like I left a part of me somewhere. All I know for certain is that I feel less empty, less alone when I'm with you."
"You're not alone Lexa," Clarke promised, meaning every word. Her heart was telling her to reach out, to grab the girl and hold her tight, to tell her she'd never let her go. But she couldn't.
Clarke was surprised when Lexa hand twitched and paused before moving and clapping their hands together, a perfect fit.
