Finishing this chapter was a lot of work and it took me almost half a year. Therefore reviews would be especially great!
Dear Kristen, you're my angel from beta-heaven!
Chapter 9: The Strangest Power
EPOV
I heard Jasper as he told me that it was not my fault. But as pathetic as it sounds, my heart did not listen. Until this moment, I had not really thought about my part in the events that had led to their death. Yes, I had pondered the chain of events itself, as you may remember, but I had not considered that I might be the one to blame. The agony of the loss, the elation of the fact that Jasper lived and that I was not alone, the confusion that had been caused by my feelings towards him, the will for revenge; everything had prevented me from breeding this thought. But one sentence from this Shakespeare-quoting, unbearably sarcastic, inconceivably snobby, deathly-looking, angelic-like vampire had broken this merciful spell. And now I was devastated. While I walked behind Jasper, who carried Jessica's body in his arms, I touched my injured lower lip absently, wiping away some blood, and thought about my guilt. I had told Bella about my true identity. I finally had to admit that this had been the point of origin for the chain of events. No, I had not been the butterfly. I had caused their death.
Of all the powers on earth, love is the strangest one. It is so strange that even great philosophers and writers cannot agree on a definition. Allow me to give you some examples:
Eric Fromm – a German philosopher – says that "love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence", which basically means – at least in my understanding – that the purpose of a human is to love and be loved. Love is the reason for the human existence. Furthermore, love enables you to overcome human seemingly senseless problems like death, pain and suffering.
William Somerset Maugham – an English writer – has – to put it mildly – a slightly different opinion. He writes that "love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species". To phrase it more accurately: Humans just think that they are in love, but this feeling is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the body that brings you to have sex and therefore children.
Now tell me: On which quote do you agree more? Which, do you think, is nearer to the truth – assuming there is one?
Well, if you have picked the second one, you are clearly wrong. I tell you why by deducing it logically:
Premise a) Vampires can and do love (I am the proof).
Premise b) Vampires do not reproduce by having sex (that should be common sense).
Premise c) The feelings of vampires can be compared to yours (at least when love is concerned).
Conclusion: Love cannot be a trick to achieve continuation of the species.
However, there might be some fruitful aspects to this definition. I will come back to that in a moment.
It is more complicated with Fromm's approach. I am tempted to say that he might be right – at least when it comes to humans. I indeed think that love helps you deal with the problems of your being and the fact that you will never even begin to comprehend the essence of your existence. To phrase it in a non-lunatic way: It helps you forget that you will never know what your existence is all about. The definition applies with reservations also to vampires. Each and every vampire will ask questions about his existence at some point in time. I am no exception. Quite the contrary, it felt like I did not stop to ask these questions for one second. And I think that love is a satisfactory answer to these questions for vampires as well. Maybe the essence of our existence is to love someone for all eternity.
However it is not a sane answer. Vampiric answers of this kind are never sane. They always hold the promise of blind and utter bestiality – and bestiality is not sane.
But Fromm's definition is only valid for the love between two vampires. That had been my mistake, my guilt. I had forgotten that it does not apply to the love between a vampire and a human. See, that is the point where Maugham's answer is useful: Love is only a dirty trick played on us to make us believe that we are still human, that time does exist. Our strange physiognomy falls for the blood, not for the person. Some blood tastes better to us than other. So we think we are in love. Do not ask me why.
I had believed that I was in love with a human and – more important – I had acted on this belief. I should have known that it was not true and that insanity would always take its toll. Everything had been my fault.
There are many good places in the Olympic National Park where you can hide a corpse. Both Jasper and I knew that the sea was not one of them. A sunken corpse can surface again, the tides can wash it against the next shore where an innocent, unsuspecting fisherman finds it. However in the depth of the woods nobody will find it. All the miles of green simply swallow it. Jasper directed his steps accordingly, but he moved deliberately like there was no powerful vampire waiting for our return. Since I did not care either, I walked behind him like a somnambulist, carrying the bag with Jessica's clothes.
We did not speak a word. I had a lot to ponder and I was certain that there was quite an amount of thinking going on in his mind. However, since I still fought my natural impulse to read his mind, I did not know these thoughts, but I assumed they were still as strange and disturbing as they had been.
The sun had ascended completely when Jasper halted in a small, leaf-covered hollow. He laid Jessica's body down in a surprisingly gentle way and looked up, still crouched down. A thick roof of green covered the hollow, so that you could merely see a few spots of the sky, which in reverse meant that no helicopter pilot would see anything suspicious here.
"This is a good place." he stated. He glanced at the corpse, then he turned his red eyes to me. "It ain't right to just leave her here for the animals to feed on. We gotta dig a grave." He sounded almost reluctant, which I understood completely. She had been the informer, the one who had called the executive, but she had still been a human being. And Carlisle had told us that humans are precious by the essence of their nature – sometimes I think we understand your existence better than you do – regardless of their sins. After all that had taken place, I was not completely convinced anymore that this was the truth, yet at this point I was not poised to ignore Carlisle's teachings.
So I nodded. "I agree." Then I knelt down beside Jasper and pulled the grey long-sleeve shirt that Jasper got me over my head so that I would not get filthy – a pointless action considering that the shirt was stained with blood. Jasper just started digging with his bare hands, not caring for his cashmere pullover whose front was nearly completely covered with Jessica's dried blood. Since vampires do not tire and we both had had enough blood to work with our full strength, the hole in the ground became deeper every second. It did not take us long to get six feet under. Finally, Jasper picked up Jessica's body, jumped effortlessly down into the hole and placed her on the ground. After he had climbed back out and I had put Jessica's bag next to her, we filled the hole with earth. We did not say a word. She had been a human, but since she had caused us so much pain, she had not earned the honor of a requiem.
After we had covered the grave with leaves, Jasper sat up and looked at me. The dirt and blood on his face and hair, the unsettled expression in his eyes made him resemble a soldier that had just emerged from a dugout – which was not very far from the truth. And he flattened his pullover with his hands like an upright soldier would.
"Victor… is dangerous." His words came out unsteadily, still displaying the deep tears in his mind. "He's not here to assist us, he's here to command us. Our well-being is not his focus. He'll kill us if we jeopardize his objective." He nodded as if he wanted to approve his own words.
"I know," I responded, "I am not even certain that he told us the truth. There might be additional or even different motives to his presence here." I smiled joylessly. "European vampires tend to weave nets of intrigues." I picked up my shirt and put it back on. "However I do believe that he wants to clear up the situation." The situation I had caused. I rubbed my forehead.
Jasper folded his arms behind his back and pursued me with his big, intense eyes. "I recommend we try to elicit as much from him as possible and sit still 'til we know more 'bout him. That means we gotta do what he wants 'til we know what we're up against."
I sighed. "I do not like this at all, but I consent."
There was a moment of silence in which he continued his staring. Then he cocked his head slightly and took two steps forward until he stood directly in front of me, merely a foot away. Despite the dirt and gore, the beauty of the expression of his face – incomprehension with a hint of curiosity and compassion – succeeded in piercing through the guilt and pain in my mind. "Ya don't really believe in what he said, do ya?"
"Of course I do. He is right. I allowed Bella to discover us. I told her about our existence. If I had not done so, none of these events would have taken place. They would still be alive." I closed my eyes and bowed my head. The pain of my guilt weighed so heavily on me that I almost could not sustain my composure. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to make myself pay for what I did. I wanted to suffer. My craving was so strong that I almost forgot my oath.
He did not answer immediately, but when he did, he sounded absent-minded. "Alice told me once that ya have a compulsion to control, that ya can't let go. She said you ignore that people have a free will so that you can believe that you can pull all the strings. She was right, alright."
I opened my eyes. "But I forgot that a vampire cannot love a human… that it is all a trick."
"I'm not sure whatcha mean by "trick", but it doesn't matter 'cause your wrong." His eyes focused in on me and he added firmly, "Vampires can love humans. They do it all the time and it even works sometimes. In which world have you lived since you've become a vampire?" And – to my complete and incredulous surprise – his lips formed into a hint of a smile.
I did not know what to reply, but I noticed that I felt a little better… not much, but a little. Maybe there was some truth to his words, but I was not ready to agree to them. Finally I just managed to say "Thank you."
Meanwhile the hint had disappeared again and he just nodded and blinked confusedly. "We gotta go back." And he turned around and started walking without further ado.
In this moment, I almost lowered the guard in my mind, because there was one thing I did not understand: Why did he try to soothe my guilt if he hated me so much that he wanted to kill me someday?
And I wanted to confirm a suspicion that I had: Maybe he did not hate me anymore. Maybe he had pardoned me.
However, I did not act on my impulse. If I would have read his mind, he would have been able to sense my feelings and I did not want him to know that I loved him. I was afraid of the potential possibilities. I was afraid that he would be repelled by my feelings. I was afraid that he would leave me. I was afraid that I would be alone again. I did not think for one moment that my feelings could be mutual.
Of all the powers on earth, love is the strangest one.
