Hi everyone! As always, my thanks goes out to everyone who has reviewed, favourited and followed the story, it means the world to me :D
This one's a continuation of the angst, so let me know what you think!
2 years, 11 months earlier…
Rey used all her strength to force open the large metal door and ran out of the warehouse, refusing to look back. She jumped into the speeder, and immediately raced off into the lights of the undercity. As she cut across several lanes of traffic, she heard the horns and the curses of the other drivers, but she neither apologised nor slowed down. She just needed to get as far away as she could.
The wind blew through her hair as she flew, her elbow on the door and her head resting in her hand. She wanted to be able to quiet her mind for a while, but her head was screaming. The pain was still there, a dull thumping at the base of her skull, and the thoughts he'd dragged up within her wouldn't leave her alone.
Whatever it was he'd done to her, she knew it hadn't been intentional. She'd seen the shock and fear she'd felt mirrored on his own face, his ever-expressive eyes giving away just how devastated he was that he'd hurt her.
But if anything, that made his betrayal worse. The darkness ran through his veins like blood. She'd always known that it had a hold on him, but how could she ever have known that it was so strong. That it had become such a fundamental part of his being he could access its strength without even realising and release it with such force.
When he'd offered her his hand in the throne room, he'd seen her as some sort of salvation, a chance to have someone with him who truly understood every side of him. But how could she understand a darkness like that?
And when she'd accepted that hand, she'd felt the same longing as he did for love and acceptance, but she'd also seen him as something to be fixed. A man who had the potential for the light side but just needed the incentive to turn. Could a man with the darkness so deeply rooted within him ever truly turn to the light?
She drove around for a while, hoping in vain that the lights and the noise would drown out just some of her thoughts, before eventually coming to a stop on the ledge of a crumbling old building overlooking a trash site She could occasionally hear the dull thud of the nearby cannons firing the trash off into space, and the rhythmic thumping was comforting. Hopefully no one would find her here.
In the morning she'd get herself organised and start making decisions. She'd sell the speeder, use the money to buy anything she needed and get a room for as long as she could. Then she would make a plan. But for now, all she wanted to do was to sleep.
She jumped into the back, laying on her side across the seats, and was trying to settle when something caught her eye. It was a large piece of black fabric, half tucked under the seat in front of her, and she tugged on it to pull it out.
It was Ben's cloak. She moved without thinking, pushing the fabric up against her face and breathing in his scent. Tears filled her eyes, and she couldn't help the quiet sobs that escaped her. Her mind had spent the last few hours going over and over what had happened and what it now meant for Ben and his chances of redemption. But in all that time, there had been something she hadn't allowed herself to think on, and that was how his actions affected her, how badly he'd hurt her.
Since she'd left with him, there had been moments when she'd been infuriated by his behaviour or frustrated by his lack of ability to empathise with her. And with his emotions also a constant presence in her mind, she knew that he too spent a lot of his time tamping down his own dark thoughts.
But through everything, she never once thought that he'd hurt her. It was different now to how it had been on Starkiller, they had a connection that bound them to each other and she'd come to believe that it had in some way changed him. Only now she wasn't so certain.
She felt his presence begin to shift in her head, tentatively pressing against her walls and searching out an entrance. He wanted to speak with her, wanted to feel her mind joined with his, but just the prospect of letting him again made her heart quicken in fear. Rey knew now what he could do to her when, not if, he lost control, and she wasn't ready to let him back in. She wasn't sure she ever would be, so for now she just tightened her defences, knowing that he could destroy them easily if he wanted to yet hoping he wouldn't.
And the galaxy suddenly became much colder, her emotions much less vibrant as she cut his mind off completely from her own.
After finding somewhere to stay, it took Rey several days to build up the strength to go outside and into the city.
And as she headed into the market district, what hit her first was that, even in the upper levels, the noise was overwhelming, the press of bodies crushing and cloying. Vendors would step into her path, thrusting their wares into her face and pronounce loudly that they had come from the farthest reaches of the galaxy and were so very cheap and that she just had to buy them!
And she would smile at them politely in return from under the shadow of her hood, before quickly moving on through the crowd. The fabrics they showed her were dazzling colours, and their trinkets were gold and silver and glinted when they moved. Yet nothing was as exciting to her as it had been only days before.
When they'd first arrived there, the city had seemed so incredible. Hell, it still was. But now it was as though she was looking at it through a window, her feelings muted and dull.
But whenever there was a crack of light that managed to fight its way through and penetrate the mass of buildings and stalls and people, she'd turn her head out towards it. She'd spent her life in the sun, then the last few weeks hidden in the shadows, and it felt right to be outside again. Her emotions might not be what they were before she'd cut herself off from the bond, but at least now she was free.
And every time she looked out, there was one building that continually caught her attention. It was enormous, putting Maz's castle to shame and making it look more like a small home than the fortress it had been. It also looked intimidating against the smaller structures that surrounded it, yet something was pulling her towards the old building. It was a voice, one that seemed at once both familiar and not.
She made her way towards it, and as she did, the crowds began to thin out, as though the building itself was forcing them away. But it was easy to see why they wouldn't want to approach.
From the outside, the high walls looked dingy and unwashed, where it was obvious they had once gleamed in the sunlight. The grass in front of it was freshly cut, yet the statues that had adorned the steps leading up to the building had been left smashed, even if the rubble had been cleared up.
The voice was calling her in, a whisper in her mind, and she scanned the outside carefully. Every now and again a guard would make their rounds, diligent enough in their watch that she would need to time her entrance well and remain cautious, but not so much that it would deter her at all.
She continued her watch for a few more hours, wanting to be certain that she wouldn't be spotted, then dashed towards one of the smaller side entrances.
It was dark inside, and walking through the corridors, she couldn't help but notice that the building felt… almost sad. The ceilings vaulted up so high, but the banners that had once draped down the walls were faded and torn, blaster holes burned through in some places. The fountains that were dotted throughout all the open spaces were destroyed and dust motes floated gracefully in the air. It was a space that was desperate to have a purpose again.
She continued through, pushed along by that mystery voice, until she came to a spiral staircase which seemed to go on forever. The steps were rotting in places and she climbed them slowly, careful to avoid the spots where the stone had completely vanished and left a clear view of the drop below. When she eventually reached the top, she found a large, round room. It was covered in dirt and grime, just like the rest of the building, and the only piece of furniture was a circular table in the centre that looked as though someone had once gone to great efforts to try and destroy.
Rey walked over to the far side of the window that ran around the entire edge of the room and swiped a finger through the dust. It came away easily, and through the gap she caught a glimpse of the city around her. It appeared just as it had the first time she'd seen it from their ship, a world always on the move.
But from her vantage point, she could also see the many huge courtyards below, previously hidden from view by the high outer walls. Time and war had turned them to ruins, large ragged holes punctured the walls and crumbling rocks littered the ground. But the power that still emanated from the entire place was incredible, as though the force presence of every being in the system was converging on one point.
She threw her head back, closing her eyes and feeling the force swell and move over her, like the ocean washing over the shore. She could feel Ben out there, normally a bright, shooting flame but now somewhat dulled by her refusal to let him in.
'I've been waiting for you.'
She spun around at the unexpected noise, assuming the deep voice behind her would belong to a guard or some other official planning to force her out, and dipped her body low into a defensive position. But she was wrong.
A man stood by the entrance on the opposite side of the room, his form pale blue and unfocused. He looked young, tall with messy hair running down past his ears and a scar crossing his eye, so like Ben in appearance but not in countenance. Where Ben was like a coiled spring, always on edge, this man seemed calm and at peace with the world around him. She'd never seen anything like it before.
'Who are you?' She breathed out, unsure whether she should stay or try and run, despite the man blocking the only exit.
But she could feel that her question made him sad, his shoulders slumping almost imperceptibly at both it and the answer he had to give, 'No one. Someone who should be long forgotten.'
'Then why are you here?' His answer didn't put her off, rather it was only making her more curious.
'Because you were calling out for my help. Your presence in the force is strong, young one, and your distress would have been difficult to ignore.'
Rey didn't like the idea of someone else being able to sense her emotions, it was bad enough that Ben could do it so easily, but this was just some random stranger. Her brows furrowed, considering his answers, until she saw something that should have noticed right from the beginning.
'You're a Jedi?' She asked. His flowing robes and the lightsaber barely peeking out from beneath them gave him away as easily as his force signature and the light that surrounded him.
'I was. A long time ago.'
It was overwhelming, even knowing everything she now knew about the force and what its users could do, 'Fuck. This shouldn't be possible.'
'Yes, and yet here I am.' He said with a small smile on his face, 'When we pass on, we become one with the force. For those who have studied the technique, it is possible to return for a time.'
'But I've needed help for a long time. I've spent my whole life begging someone to help me. So why are you only coming to me now?' Her tone had turned from confused to accusatory. Who was this man to say she needed help? Who was he to just appear in her life?
But her ire didn't bother him, and he continued, 'It takes great strength to appear in this form. It's something we can only do in places where the force is at its strongest and it's why I called you here.'
'Here?' She asked.
'Most know it is as the Imperial Palace, it was the centre of the galaxy for many years and a point where the dark side of the force could converge. But to me it is the Jedi Temple, though I doubt it has been called that in many years. People's memories are short, especially when change comes so often and without warning.'
The man was similar to Master Luke in every way that had irritated her on Ahch-To. Why couldn't Jedi ever just come out and say what it was they meant? They danced around the truth, treating it as some ever-shifting thing, never a constant. Ben did the same thing on occasion, his own training leaking out through his words.
'So, you're here to give me answers, to impart some ancient Jedi wisdom? Good. I could really use some of that right now. Give me all you've got.' She couldn't keep the sarcasm from her voice, and moved to sit cross legged on the floor, a position she'd come to associate with being taught some new Jedi technique due to Luke and Ben's training.
The man couldn't help the wry smile that broke out on his face, a smile that felt so familiar to Rey. Her head tilted, and she examined him closely, but she just couldn't put her finger on what was bothering her.
'Sadly no. The answers you seek cannot be attained from simply asking others. I'm here to point you in the right direction, but ultimately you will only find what you seek when you look within yourself. It's a lesson you will spend your life trying to learn.'
'And what if I search and search but still can't find an answer?'
The man seemed pleased with her, like a teacher taking pride in their students. Now she was asking him the right questions. 'That's when you learn to place your trust in the force. It surrounds us, and it guides us.'
She huffed loudly, looking down at the ground and drawing small patterns in the dust she found there. 'I know why you're here. You want me to return to him. Even though he's arrogant and cruel and impulsive and such a… a child!'
The man rolled his eyes. He hoped that he hadn't been this obstinate when he was younger, but based on his own mentors many, many words, he knew he'd been just as bad, if not worse. 'A trait found too often in those with Skywalker blood unfortunately. But that's not really what this is about is it?'
Her whole demeanour changed suddenly, as though a switch had been flipped in her mind. She shrugged, trying to act as though it didn't bother her, but the man before her knew that this was the true reason she had called out to him. 'The darkness runs so deeply in him. When we were fighting, it was like it was controlling him.'
There was a long silence before the man spoke. 'The boy is unbalanced, that is true. But running away from everything with you couldn't have been easy. Have you considered that maybe this is just one step on a much longer journey?'
'But he killed Snoke!' She'd been going over this over and over for days and threw up her arms in exasperation. 'In that moment he made a decision to turn away from the darkness, he could have come to the light. Why does he run away from it? And why does the dark side still have such a strong hold on him?'
'Turning from the darkness is not the same as embracing the light. You know him better than anyone in the galaxy, search your feelings for the answers.'
She closed her eyes and lifted her head to the ceiling, thinking of Ben and everything she knew of him. It was difficult to locate him now, and even more so to find that spark of light that still existed within him. It burned, a small flame yet so very bright. It was fenced in by his darkness, a darkness that was forever trying to extinguish the flame, but she wasn't afraid. She knew that it would never succeed.
Just as the light would never succeed in chasing out the shadows.
Her response was something she hadn't expected, a revelation only she could have found. 'He will never turn to the light, he doesn't have it within him to become a light force user.'
'And maybe he isn't the only one?'
In her dazed state, it took a moment to process the meaning behind his words, but when she did her face twisted in fury. She threw herself to her feet, marching towards the ghost. 'We are nothing alike! I would never do what he did. Any of it! He killed his father, he's murdered so many for no reason other than his desire to erase the past and prove himself.'
'In your anger you've never felt the same? You've never felt the need for revenge?' He questioned.
Rey's mouth snapped closed, and her mind was transported back to Starkiller. Having Ben at her mercy with the Skywalker lightsaber at his throat, her pacing heavily in front of him like a predator before their prey. There was a moment when she had wanted to strike him down, kill him in the same way he'd killed Han.
His voice brought her back from her thoughts. 'It is natural to feel these things, the passion and the anger, just as it is natural to feel peace and compassion. It was the Jedi and the Sith who forgot this, and their legacies and ideals continue to infect a new generation with you and the Solo boy. But all that defines us are our actions. He has chosen his path by leaving to be with you. He may stumble on the way to finding true balance, but he has chosen to try. Now you need to choose if you will stand beside him and help him on his journey or leave to find your own path.'
Thinking about Ben so much after everything that had happened was difficult. One minute she was sad, then angry, then sad again, and after days of her own feelings being dulled, it was starting to get to her. This man, whoever he was, was exhausting, and Rey wasn't sure she had the energy to fight him anymore. 'I don't think I even have a choice anymore. This bond we have took away any say we could have in the matter.'
'That's not true. It will be difficult to shut off the bond, and painful to keep it closed, but if you truly believed that it would hurt more to return to him…' The end of his sentence was left unspoken, hanging in the air between them and weighing it down.
She was in a situation that she'd never imagined she could be in, where closing their bond and severing a part of herself may actually be the better of the two options presented to her. But that would be something to consider later, when her head was a little clearer and her emotions a little less volatile. For now, had one last question she needed to ask him.
'Why didn't you help Ben? Instead of me, I mean.'
The man's expression became visibly pained, and Rey had no doubt in her mind that if he could have, he would have gone to Ben a long time ago.
'Because he has spent years believing that he did not need help, or at least not from me. And now…' His words were measured, and he considered whether it would be better not to tell her, not to confuse her. But ultimately, it was information she needed to know, 'Now when he calls out for help, he calls out for you.'
She nodded solemnly, and her voice was quiet when she replied, 'I don't know what to do. I don't know what choice to make.'
'We rarely do.'
Rey sat in the middle of the bed in her small room, knees pulled up and her arms encircling them, the communicator held in shaky hands in front of her. She'd been putting this off now for days, worried about the response she'd get from the other end, but now she felt like she had nowhere else to turn.
She considered what she was doing. Ben would hate her if he knew she'd contacted the Resistance, but at that moment she didn't care. She needed to hear a familiar voice, one that she doubted could ever hurt her in any way like he had.
Before she'd left, Leia had given her a spare communicator and a frequency code, promising to give another to Finn. It wasn't encrypted, as the binary beacon was, but it was something.
She input the code, and barely had time to think before Finn's voice came through.
'Rey? Rey, is that you?'
She dipped her head low and pressed the communicator to it, tears appearing in her eyes. A wave of happiness washed over her at the sound of him, between training with Luke and running away with Ben, she hadn't seen him in well over a month. She took a moment to compose herself.
'Rey? If you're there, please. Just speak to me.' He was pleading with her, and it broke her heart to know he missed her as much as she did him.
'I'm…' She swallowed back the tears and the sadness that accompanied her joy, 'I'm here Finn.'
'Oh, thank the stars.' He sounded so relieved. Had anyone cared about her this much before? 'Are you okay? Where are you?'
'I'm fine. How are you, last time I saw you, you were…' Memories assaulted her of when they'd last been together. He'd been forced into a coma on the Resistance base, his back sliced by a lightsaber right up the middle. She realised that this was one of the memories that Ben had brought up within her that night, and she couldn't help the shivers that raced through her. It made her feel nauseous to think about, but she forced herself to swallow it down and continue. 'You weren't doing so well.'
'I'm alive, and I have a cool scar to show for my efforts, something else I'll have to pay Ren back for one day. But the upside is that Poe says it makes me look very brave and manly.' He replied.
'Poe?'
His voice noticeably brightened, 'Oh, he's a friend.'
The line went silent; it was painful to hear him speak of his new life when she wasn't around to see everything with him. She'd wanted so badly to be there when he got to experience a life of freedom for the first time. There was a galaxy to see and they were supposed to do it all together.
'Rey.' He said quietly, 'What happened to you?'
She'd been expecting these questions from him, but it didn't make them any easier to answer. 'I… I can't tell you Finn. I'm sorry.'
'Then just tell me where you are so we can come and get you.'
'I…' She began answering on reflex, planning to tell him that it was impossible, and he waste his time coming after her. But then it occurred to her that he was offering her a way out. A chance to turn back the clock to Snoke's throne room and, instead of taking Ben's hand, refusing him, jumping in a ship and running straight to the Resistance.
But she couldn't. Even if she put Ben and their problems to one side, she still couldn't. It would be giving up one set of chains only to be given another. Leia and her fellow leaders would never leave her in peace if they learned what she could do, just as, even years after the Rebellion and his mission had ended, they still hunted for Luke.
'It's not that simple. I have things I need to do.'
But he could be as persistent as her sometimes. 'It is simple Rey. Look, just come back and we can discuss things here. Whatever it is you need to do, we'll help you.'
'I can't come back to the Resistance Finn. No matter what I choose to do, I can't come back.' She kept her voice firm, and she hoped that he would stop wasting their short time together hounding her about this.
'But I miss you.' He answered quietly.
Finn truly wanted to say that he would run to her, that no matter where she was in the galaxy he would find her and help her with whatever she needed. The old Finn would have done exactly that. But the person he was now was different, and he knew that he couldn't abandon his new duties to go searching for Rey.
Despite how much he wanted to.
'I miss you too.' She replied, squeezing her arms tightly around herself as though trying to physically hold herself together.
'Whenever you're ready Rey, there'll always be a home for you here. With us… with me.'
'I know.' And for the first time in her life, she trusted someone, believed them completely when they'd said they would be there for her. These were different to Ben's promises, more comforting and wholesome and they made her feel warm.
'Just promise me you'll stay safe out there. I don't think the First Order are the only ones looking for you.'
'What about…' She stopped herself before she could say Ben's name aloud, 'What do you mean?'
'Kylo Ren's gone missing. They're looking for him too, from what we've heard they've got bounty hunters and everything. I hope they catch the bastard for everything he's done.' Rey breathed a small sigh of relief. Leia and the Resistance may not have the resources of other organisations, but their spies were some of the best. If Ben had been the least bit careless with their trail, then she had no doubt they would be found in a matter of days.
Rey forced herself to make a response and was grateful that her short 'oh' of surprise didn't immediately come across as suspicious.
'They told me everything I missed on Starkiller, how Chewie saw the two of you fighting in the snow. He's unstable Rey, and I think he's going to come after you.' He had no idea how close to the truth he was.
'I can take care of myself. I don't need you to hold my hand, remember?'
He laughed softly.
Their conversation continued for a while longer, and she was grateful that he seemed to have some free time with the Resistance so that she wouldn't have to let him go too quickly.
But when it did finally end, with more promises from her to stay safe and threats from him that he'd come find her if she didn't, Rey realised that she felt better than she had in a long time.
She wasn't ready to make a decision about her future yet, that would come much later. But for the first time since she'd left, she felt confident that one day she would be able to decide and that when she did, she would be able to move on without regret.
She closed her eyes so that she could focuse on lowering her defences little by little. The bond between them opened slowly, and a familiar prickling sensation crept up the back of her neck. She was scared to open her eyes, but when she did he was stood in front of her.
He looked terrible, and a small part of her was glad that he was suffering, facing the consequences of his actions for the first time in who knew how many years. Maybe this pleasure was the darkness residing within her that reflected Ben's own.
A surge of loneliness flowed through the bond between them, but neither made any attempts to move closer. They just stared at one another, Rey having no desire to comfort him and Ben knowing that he did not deserve her touch. She knew she'd have to face him properly at some point and inform him of whatever decision she'd made, she owed it to herself.
But not now. She wasn't ready yet.
