Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, etc. etc. etc!
Disclaimer: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name belongs to the inspiring, the fantabulous, the extraordinary Tessa Stone. Not me.
Hanna desperately chased the retreating darkness. That comfortable, relaxing void had been his once again, but now it had escaped!
Hanna's thoughts and memories clamored for attention. But he didn't want to think and analyze and pick his brain – he just wanted to sleep, even if it was a nightmare, which it would undoubtedly be, Hanna just couldn't bare to focus on yet another horrific memory in hopes that some hidden clue would appear to him.
More than anything, he wanted that void, where he didn't have to think at all and felt so wonderful, so perfectly safe.
The first time he'd achieved that peaceful state had apparently been after coming home from breaking into Mr. Tibenoch's house – he still had to ask Sedaka how he had gotten home that night – and again after fainting from using too much magic, too quickly.
He thought he remembered Worth catching him after the second incident, which was disappointing because he'd rather it was Joel.
And speaking of Fogelberg…
Hanna purposefully dug through his memories, searching for evidence.
"I didn't come so I could be alive again."
"It's OK. I think I'm fairly fresh. Like…only a decade of rot."
"Whu-what? Were you teasing me?"
"A little."
"No way! That's awesome! This is a whole new step in our friendship, I think!"
"Well. I feel a little guilty. I think it is a bit easier to forget then it is to be forgotten… I think I am a very different…someone than before. Not to say that I have abandoned it, but I can't expect what mattered to me then to retain its sentimental value…I'm sorry. Is that cold?"
"No! Just…kinda sad."
"But that's enough about me. What about your stitches? Are you okay?"
"Are you okay?"
"Me? You're the one who got possessed and-"
"I'm fine. Are you?"
"Are you alright, Hanna?"
"So you missed me too?"
"To say the least, Hanna."
"I treasure every gift you give me, Hanna."
"Trust me?"
No, there was nothing to suggest Gilmore felt more than friendship for him. And Hanna was taken aback by the enormous stab of disappointment that shot through him at the thought.
Hanna had never had a crush on a guy before, well, maybe on Optimus Prime, but that didn't count. And his complete lack of luck with women had left him without much hope for any sort of romantic relationship. He was attracted to women, but he also felt embarrassed and kind of inferior around them. Like, I know I look like a fourteen year old geeky spazz, but please notice me!
But his best friend was different. Ian was cool and awesome! He was just epic at the hand-to-hand combat stuff, especially when it's me he's protecting. And when Hunter had stepped in between him and the furious Casimiro, he had felt so surprised, grateful, and safe.
Dewayne was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. And Hanna liked to think they were equals, after all, Hanna had saved Mitchell from Lee's possession. He felt relaxed when around his zombie companion, but jittery and hyper-happy whenever they went somewhere together (Investigating a case is not the same thing as a date, Hanna, get a hold of yourself!) or hugged or brushed against each other.
When I look at him all I feel is this love and gratitude, and sort of butterflies under my staples nervousness. I've never been able to use love as a catalyst for my powers, but it was so very effective and easier to control compared to rage and despair.
Hanna mentally groaned; just look at the mess he'd gotten himself into this time: infatuated with his best friend, who would certainly never return the same feelings. Hanna wilted at the thought of unrequited love, but that just seemed like his luck anyways.
I guess I'll just carry the torch until he leaves me alone again (and even after he's gone…). When he gets his memories back, he won't want to hang around here anymore. Hanna secretly hoped, and felt guilty for hoping, that his beloved friend would never remember his past.
Hanna distanced himself from those thoughts and decided to 'wake up'. He sat up slowly, he noted with a little surprise he was once again back at the apartment, and looked for the center of his affection.
Jack's orange eyes were fixed on Hanna – who flushed under the gaze – and he immediately handed Hanna a pill and a bottle of water.
"What's this?" Hanna asked, rubbing the sand out of his eyes. "And what time is it?"
Leo waited for Hanna to actually swallow the pill before answering. "Worth wanted you to take one when you woke up. And it's almost 6:15."
Hanna shot out of bed and scrambled to pull on his shoes.
"6:15! I'm going to be late for work!"
"Hanna, it's Saturday."
"Whu-whoah, oh yeaaah." Hanna sat back down, looking perplexed. "Wow. 6:15 P.M.? I must've been reeaally tired."
Mario's worried expression twisted his heart. It was unbearable; the person he loved only thought of him as a reckless little brother.
Something of his inward turmoil must've shown on his face, because Alvin began to look even more concerned.
"I'm fine." Hanna tried to head off the questioning that was to come, but his voice betrayed him.
Octavius sent him a flat, "oh really?" look.
"Listen, about Mr. Hatch. Do you wanna talk about it?" Hanna diverted the conversation back to Todd.
"No."
"Okay, then I'll talk, and you listen: it was not your fault in any way. There was nothing you could've done to save him, OK? The zombies would've…" Hanna faltered, "They would've just torn you apart if you became a threat. So, don't blame yourself, okay?" He sent a searching gaze towards his zombie, who actually looked a bit startled. Hanna figured he'd hit the nail on the head. "And don't worry about it, alright? You'll never lose your humanity and become one of them. I trust you."
Agro stared unblinkingly at the incredible man before him. Hanna could be so completely oblivious sometimes, but then he would turn right around and perceptively offer kind words to heal doubts that were still only a terrible, foreboding inkling in his own mind.
He almost hated himself for breaking the comfortable silence, but a reaction was called for, and now he had another opportunity to delicately question his friend.
"But not enough, apparently."
"Buh. What?"
"You still won't tell me what you're planning. Even when I'm right there beside you, you just throw yourself into danger without talking to me. We're partners, but you still don't trust me."
"I trust you!" Hanna exclaimed. He trusted and depended on Steven more than anyone else – even Worth! Who was going to carry his broken and bleeding body back to the Doc? Who would be there for him when he was in trouble? Who else was Hanna passionately in love with?
"Then tell me what you're going to do before you do it. It happened with Adelaide and you vomiting blood, and with Lee's ghost and that protection rune, and letting yourself get stabbed with a sword!" Forest cut himself off.
Hanna blinked, and a very long moment of silence passed. He had never heard Cedric sound so emotional. Love was a double edged sword: Hanna felt like scum for making his loved-one worry, but at the same time, he was overjoyed that Chang cared enough to get so upset.
He swallowed. "I'm sorry." Pause. "I'll try to do better, K? I'll try to fill you in before it all goes to hell in a wheelbarrow. Sorry." Hanna studiously stared at his worn, graying mattress.
He heard a sigh. "Hanna."
He looked up to see Avery spread his arms open. Hanna was confused, what did the gesture mean?
"Hug?" Donnell asked. And Hanna nearly did a double take – did Zane look…shy? No. Way.
Never one to deny a hug, even though his heart constricted because he knew it was only a platonic embrace, Hanna shuffled over to his friend and circled his arms around Marcel's back.
Hanna felt jagged ravines under Harley's shirt. What…?
Hanna dismissed his curiosity. Seriously, he could see the irony in him asking about Randall's injuries and then refusing to talk about his own. He would carefully and discreetly quiz his zombie later, at a better time.
He swallowed nervously and leant his face into Miles' orange shirt, until his face was pushed against his zombie's chest. He took a deep breath in through his nose.
"Hanna?" Kipp asked, looking down at his red head confusedly. "What are you…?"
"Making a memory." Hanna replied, softly, smiling. "Years from now, after you've left me, when I am old and gray I will remember my good friend Guadalupe and how he smelled like…" At this Hanna took another deep breath in through his nose – and Delmar's stomach did a curious double back flip.
"The earth…embalming stuff…" Hanna took another deep breath through his nose, "And almonds."
Amado had difficulty sorting through his emotions at that moment. He felt astonishingly human: warmth seeped through his twisting, fluttering insides, but he was also hurt and worried because Hanna thought he would leave. The zombie couldn't quite comprehend his own level of attachment to the red head yet, but the thought of leaving Hanna…for any reason or memory or person… it was inconceivable.
Hesitantly, he bent over and ensnared Hanna's thin waist with his arms. Lowering his head so that his nose hovered just in the crook of Hanna's neck, he inhaled deeply.
Hanna had frozen in the embrace, his heart was throbbing in his throat and he had stopped breathing. Earle's little puffs of breath on his neck sent shivers racing from his toes up his spine and into his cotton-candy-clouded mind. Holy crap-holy crap-holy crap-
"Markers…and pancakes." Denosovich reported, still holding onto Hanna delicately. "And there's no guarantee that I'll ever regain my memories."
Hanna pulled away from the hug too quickly, looking too bittersweet. "There's no guarantee that you won't either. And when you do remember, you won't want to stay with me anymore." It was said so quietly and factually, almost like Hanna's thoughts had become a tangible whisper.
What could he possibly say to convince Hanna otherwise? He didn't want those memories, and he lived a peculiar contradiction every day: he liked it when Hanna gave him a new name, but he worried that someday Hanna really would guess his old name, and then the burdensome past would come back to him. He didn't want it – why wouldn't Hanna believe him?
"That's not true. I've had ten years to realize I don't want that old life; they've moved on, and so have I. I want to protect you."
Hanna stared at him, and Leandro watched as several emotions flitted across his read head's face, but they were too many, too fast to identify.
"And you don't see the point in lying." Hanna murmured, his voice low and perplexed sounding. He turned away to hide his expression.
Hanna moved to leave, and Jerrod quickly followed.
"Let's go check on Kasa." Hanna said, exiting the apartment.
Rick felt his un-beating heart sear in pain as it was ripped apart. Kasa. He wants to check on Kasa. The unfamiliar feeling of hatred and bitterness swept through him. I shouldn't get so upset; we're just friends.
The walk to Worth's clinic was awkwardly slow and silent. It was as if they had simply switched an old problem for a new one.
But the moment they entered, Hanna's countenance swiftly changed.
He bounced inside, "Worth!" he shouted, sounding happy, "How's Kasa?"
"In here." Came the muffled, grouchy sounding reply.
Hanna and Winford entered the only examination room.
Kasa was asleep on the table, and Worth had produced a pillow and blanket from somewhere. As they watched, a spider crawled across Kasa's face and up into her hair.
"Hanna, you didn't mention she's a jorogumo." Worth muttered accusingly.
"Does it make a difference?" Hanna asked, sounding ready to defend her. Yong felt the jealousy tear through him; Hanna defended him against the rude, staring people, but now he was not the sole recipient of Hanna's defense.
"Hell yes. Ya know they've a reputation for eating people."
"Well she won't." Hanna stated it like it was an absolute fact. Then added, mostly for Kenneth's benefit, "I trust her."
Worth picked up on the tense hostility between the two. He turned his smoldering glare onto Lavern.
"I thought I told ya to fuck and make up." He snarled at the zombie.
Hanna went beat red in zero to half a second. "W-w-when did you say that?" he gasped.
"After you fainted like a goddamn fairy princess again."
"But that wasn't Reginald's fault!" Hanna exclaimed; Clarence could've purred, he was so inwardly pleased that Hanna was defending him once more.
Hanna shrunk under Worth's angry stare. "Sorry! I'll try to not overdo it next time!"
Worth 'hmphd', and a stirring noise behind them reminded them of Kasa's presence.
She had blearily sat up, and she looked much healthier and even more beautiful.
"Hanna." She said simply, infusing the greeting with warmth and adoration.
Edison hated it. He hated her. Hanna was his!… friend. Hanna was his friend.
"Hey, Kasa." Hanna quickly stood beside her, beaming at her. "How're you feeling?"
"Much better, thanks to Mister Worth and you. We are very grateful."
"No problem! So do you have any new friends?"
She smiled again – and it was staggeringly beautiful, but edgy in a dangerous sort of way. Ike wondered what a jorogumo was, and what Worth had meant by 'eating people'.
She held out a hand, and it was full of small, mostly gray spiders. "We have a family again." She yawned, and the spiders happily scuttled up into her long, black hair.
"I'm happy for you, but you should get some rest." Hanna paused, then added, "Ya'know you can sleep in your true form here, if it helps you. We won't freak out or anything. Right, Worth?" Hanna sent a little glare over at the blonde. Jacinto found it adorable.
Kasa hesitated, looked extremely uncertain, blushed, then finally asked, "Will you stay with us till we fall asleep?"
Hanna looked surprised but otherwise oblivious. "Sure, if it'll help."
Her smile was beautiful, "It would."
Hanna pulled up a dangerous, falling-apart metal chair, but offered it to Landon instead.
Take that, Kasa, he didn't offer you a chair! Cory was shocked by the viscous and jealous thought. Where on earth had that come from…and why was it so instinctive to be jealous over Hanna…?
"I'm good with the floor." Hanna said, and sat down next to the chair which Orville carefully entrusted his weight with.
Worth left with a parting grumble, lighting a cigarette.
Kasa glanced at the zombie nervously.
"S'Okay, you can trust us." Hanna assured.
She nodded, and in an instant the image of the beautiful maiden blinked out of existence.
Instead, there was an enormous, St. Bernard-sized spider in her place. She was solid black, and fuzzy.. She had nine large, liquid black eyes, and big, threatening pincers. She was not as bulky as a tarantula, but she was not a gossamer thin spider either. Nigel decided that she was terrifying. Hanna decided otherwise.
"A jorogumo is a spider that's lived for over four hundred years and acquired magical powers." Hanna explained, watching Kasa watch them.
She carefully folded her eight legs around her and settled down. Her nine eyes stared at them.
"Ah, may I?" Hanna asked, and he scooted closer to her, gesturing at her nearest foreleg.
Her liquid eyes blinked, but she remained perfectly still.
Hanna took that as a 'yes', and so reached out a hand and felt the fuzzy leg. It was surprisingly sticky, actually, and Hanna imagined her crawling up the ceiling easily.
After a few moments Hanna returned to his zombie's side, looking happy.
"This is so cool." Hanna murmured. "Wow. Just awesome."
Jealousy spiked through Pedro again, and he wondered where the intense emotion came from. Was it normal for best friends to be so jealous and possessive?
All was forgiven when Hanna pulled out a packet of origami squares from his sweater's pocket and opened it, passing a cheerful yellow-sunshine square to Aiden to fold.
As they folded cranes, the gentle whispers of folding paper lulled Kasa to sleep.
Kasa couldn't believe that this was happening. She had been rescued, forgiven by one of them, and even given a family and medical attention. It was more than she deserved. And it was all thanks to the one who had forgiven her, Hanna. She had never met another being like him. But she knew eventually he would have questions, and she worried that her answers would not suffice.
But for now her savior was sitting in front of her. His presence made her feel safer than she had ever felt in the last hundred years.
One by one, her glossy black eyes closed. Her breathing evened, and before long she was in a comfortable sleep.
"C'mon, let's go." Hanna whispered.
They exited the clinic quietly.
It was late evening now, and the dark, cool alley was a welcome contrast to the sharp and dirty light of the clinic.
Hanna's voice was resigned when he muttered resolutely, "Let's go to Tibenoch's."
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone!
I have a little story to share, if you'd like to hear it: I tried watching the musical "RENT" with my parents. I had no idea what it was about, and although I loved it, I think it totally freaked my parents out. Probably not the best movie to watch on Christmas Eve. Now I don't even want to watch "Glee" (the TV series) with them because I'm worried about how they'll react to my favorite character: Kurt. Kurt is gay-and-proud-of-it. This would probably freak my parents out. Although my mom didn't flip out when I hesitantly told her that Dumbledore was gay. My parents cannot ever know of my secret yaoi-fangirlness. Any sympathy or advice out there?
[But enough about me.]
[insert sincerest wish for holiday joy, peace, and love here]
{Merry Christmas}
