Red sought refuge in his room. The room smelled of sex still bringing a smile to his face. Having Anna overnight, though, meant he had not scratched the itch last night, and it was making itself known with his stomach that was rolling. Luckily no one had noticed he had only eaten a few bites of the pancakes and drank little of his coffee or orange juice.

Taking out his small kit, he sat on the bed. He would only use a little this time, he told himself as he used the spoon to heat up the drug to get it in liquid form. His hands trembled at the anticipation of floating away into the nothingness. Taking a clean needle, he drew a dose of the drug into the syringe. He paused listening for the sound of anyone, hearing nothing; he placed the needle on the bedside table. Stripping down to his undershirt and pants, he sat back down on the bed. The rubber tourniquet around his arm, he cleaned his skin with an alcohol wipe. Already breaking his own rule of not shooting up more than once a week, he pushed the needle into his arm, savoring the sting. The sting meant mental and physical numbness was coming soon.

Pushing the plunger down, he gasped as the drug moved into his system. What he found himself euphoric and nauseous at the same time. He managed to lean his head over into the small trashcan, and vomit up what little he had eaten that morning. Collapsing back onto the bed, he allowed himself to float away. He barely managed to fumble and pull the syringe out of his arm, and untying the tourniquet with his hands that felt too large and unresponsive. Leaving both at his side, he pulled his legs onto the bed and turned to his side. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he closed his eyes and drifted along the waves of consciousness.

Hearing the sounded of a muffled baby cry almost pulled him back into his body, which he felt like he was floating above, but he fought it. It was in his head he told himself. He needed to stay in the warm, safe cocoon. All of his problems, all of the guilt, all of the self-hatred, every negative thing floated just beyond him. They could not and would not touch him hear. Peace, this is what real peace felt like. He would feel guilty when the drug wore off, hating himself more, for craving the peace he knew he did not deserve. For now, though, none of that mattered.

A woman's voice came through the fog. It was like a gnat trying to pull him out of his warm, safe place. Opening his eyes, he saw a torso in front of him. What felt like a blink, and when his eyes opened again the torso and body attached to it were gone.

He was covered in sweat again, looking at his watch, he saw hours had passed. Shit, he was only supposed to be down for an hour top. There was work to be done, his recent extracurricular activities had left him neglecting his empire at a time when it needed defending most thanks to Stone's attack.

Stretching on the bed, he felt truly exhausted, he would need a bump to get through the day. Sitting up, slowly, as he felt a bit dizzy, he saw that the syringe and tourniquet had been moved to the nightstand. He did not remember moving them, but that was not too surprising he had done other things while under the influence he didn't remember. Opening the drawer of the nightstand, he found a small baggy of cocaine. He carried it into the bathroom, where a small mirror to make a line of coke on the bathroom counter. Snorting the coke was the quickest method of getting it into his system. It helped break the blood-brain barrier faster. Snorting it off the counter with a straw he had fashioned for just that purpose. He found himself sniffing and wiping at his nose as the drug rushed into his system.

Turning the shower on as hot as he could stand, Red stripped out of his sweat-soaked clothes and climbed inside. As with every post-high, the weight of his problems slowly came crashing down on him. Each time it felt more unbearable. The memory of killing Kate, the look of disgust on Lizzie's face, the disappointment on Dembe's face, the damnation on his own face, all the other deaths. The harsh words from Cooper regarding his selfish ways. Everything was crashing into him. The cocaine only did so much to numb those feelings. Really, all it managed to do was keep him alert and moving.

The shower lasted much longer than usual, but he needed to wash away the drug. His arm was bruised, he noticed, from having ripped the needle out, he must have damaged the vein in the process. He would have to find a new vein for awhile or stick to his plan to only shoot up once a week. Tomorrow, he told himself as he let his head hang, letting the hot water wash over the back of his head, down his body, and to the floor of the shower, tomorrow he would fight the itch. He would not use tomorrow or the next day. He was still in charge and was not an addict.

Getting out of the shower, he dried off quickly with a big white fluffy soft towel. It made his gut clench at the memory of the warm cocoon heroin erected around him during his high. He wanted that all the time craved that, he told himself, and not the drug.

Entering the room naked he chooses a lightweight suit, as his skin still felt hot as if he was burning from the inside out. It took a bit longer to dress just because he felt himself dreading leaving the room. The room no longer smelt of sex, but his body odor. He would need to change the sheets. For now, he opened a window to allow the cool fresh air from outside filter in and air out the room.

Taking a deep breath, he gathered all his strength, it was time to face them all. Walking out of the room he heard the sound of Dembe's voice coming from the living room. Walking down there, Red found his brother on the phone.

Dembe looked in Red's direction with a deep look of disapproval.

Red instantly felt guilty, had Dembe been the one to move the syringe and tourniquet?

"He is awake now," Dembe said thrusting the phone to Red, "It's Marvin."

Red took the phone, "Marvin what do you need?" Red was starting to get angry at the mixture of disappointment and anger aimed at him from Dembe.

"There has been a slight issue." Marvin spoke, "Some of our people have asked to be allowed to seek out alternative employment. And one of our regulars has decided to no longer use our services."

"He went to one of my competitors."

"Yes," Marvin said, "There is still a lot of unease in the ranks and among our buyers." Marvin did not add, but thought, since the Isabella Stone incident and Red's continued neglect of some of the significant business dealings.

"Offer raises to those who want to leave, and remind them that we do not allow for alternative employment. In addition, assure everyone all is fine. If all else fails, give me their names."

"For what?" Marvin said having deduced what became of Mr. Kaplan after her disappearance. If Kaplan was killed by Raymond, no one was safe, not even him.

"So I can speak to them," Red answered biting back his anger. "Anything else Marvin?"

"Some of the clients have demanded your presences instead of mine or Dembe's at the negotiations."

"Make a list, and I will see what I can do," Red said, "Is that all Marvin?"

"Yes for now."

Red hung the phone up without saying goodbye. Dembe was still standing there, he tossed the phone back to his friend. "Where is Lizzie?"

"Still sleeping," Dembe said a deep look of disapproval.

It was then that Red saw that Agnes was in her playpen sound asleep. It was set off in the corner of the living room.

"Anna called for you too. I informed her you were in a meeting, you were in no shape to talk to her." Dembe stated his anger coming through his voice.

"It was just this once Dembe," Red lied to his friend.

Dembe just continued to glare at Red, knowing it was a lie. "When did you move onto heroin?"

"I have it under control," Red answered in a hushed stern voice. It was none of their business what he did. If he chooses to burn the entire empire to the ground, that was his choice, he made the damn thing. If he wanted to use a little bit of heroin to help him forget for a few hours. Just a little bit of peace, it was none of their goddamn business.

"No you don't," Dembe snapped his voice rising enough to wake Agnes.

"What doesn't he have under control?" Lizzie asked walking into the room in her sleep-rumpled clothes.

"Nothing it's fine," Red said walking over to the playpen to pick up the sleeping Agnes.

Dembe grabbed his arm and stopped him, though, "I have her,"

Red glared at his friend, knowing that Dembe was afraid Red was not cognizant enough to deal with the baby. Yanking his arm away, "I have her," Red responded marching over and picking Agnes out of the pen. He held her gently in his arms, rocking and shushing her.

Liz saw the display between the two men, and wonder what the hell was going on. She had never seen them fight or even show dissent against the other. Deciding not to raise the point because she told herself maybe this was their normal, and she was just now getting to see it because this was the first time she had spent a significant amount of time with both of them. When they were on the run, it was just her and Red, no Dembe.

"Was she fussy when I was asleep?" Liz said trying to lessen the tension in the room.

"No she was perfect," Dembe answered, "Elizabeth are you staying here today or do you want me to drop you at home? I am leaving for a few hours."

"Didn't Lizzie drive herself here?" Red asked confused as to why Dembe would think she needed a ride.

"My car broke down on the way here," Lizzie said, "Dembe has your mechanic looking at it."

"Oh," Red said in a jovial voice while bounding Agnes in his arms. It was as if the little fight between him and Dembe had never happened, "Well we can get you care to use in the meantime."

"It's fine," Lizzie said, "I can wait for my car," She did not want any more help from Red, "Did you hear anything about Tom?"

"No," Red answered, his voice filling with tension again, he had not bothered to ask his people in awhile if they had heard anything. So technically he was not lying to her when he told her he had not heard anything yet.

"I'll make us some lunch if you are sticking around," Red offered to wait for Lizzie indicate if she was. When she indicated she would be staying, Red handed her Agnes on his way out ignoring Dembe glare.

"What is going on between you two?" Liz asked as soon as Red was out of earshot.

"Nothing to worry about Elizabeth," Dembe said, "I left your bag in the hall closet. Your laptop is in there. Do you need anything before I leave?"

"No thank you Dembe."

"It was my pleasure," Dembe took his leave upset but knowing that at least Raymond would remain sober while Lizzie was around and awake.

Liz walked into the kitchen with Agnes in her arms. "What is the wifi password."

"I have no idea," Red said wearing an apron over his suit. His coat was resting on one of the stools in the kitchen.

"Where is the router?"

"Maybe in the office," Red said, "It's down the hallway from where you slept."

"I'll go look for it," Liz said handing Agnes to Red.

She tried the last door on the left and found that she had entered the wrong room. She saw Red's clothes hanging in the closet and realized she was in Red's room. As she was turning to walk out of the room, she caught a glimpse of something that made her stop and check it was what she thought she had seen. Walking over to the nightstand, she found what looked like a kit for injecting drugs. A cotton ball that had been apparently soaked in something sitting in a water bottle cap, an almost full bottle of water, a syringe, rubber tourniquet, and a small baggie of some white powdered substance. There was a second baggie, she noticed inside the open drawer. There was also an open wooden box that contained a spoon and a lighter as well. Placing the drug paraphernalia into the box, she stormed out of the room with the box in hand.

She found Red in the kitchen juggling between cradling Agnes and stirring something in a pot.

"What is this?" She asked dropping the box on the counter.

Red looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He had forgotten to put everything up, he realized the second the box hit the counter.

"Give me my daughter," Lizzie snapped reaching out and taking Agnes from Red.

"Why were you nosing in my room?" Red asked matching her anger because she had no right to pry into his personal business.

"I asked you first," Liz said already knowing the answer but wanting to hear him. "Is this what you and Dembe were fighting over earlier?"

Red did not answer her. He just looked at her, his eyes almost pleading with her to let it be, but they quickly glossed over as if he was pulling a mask down over his face. Though his cheek did twitch, a good sign that he was upset.

"Did you use this while my daughter was in this house? Are you still high? Where you watching my child for me while you are high?"

"Lizzie," Red murmured, "She is perfectly safe."

"That's not the point Reddington. I cannot believe you," She was angry, and Agnes was screaming now having been woken by their argument. "You got high while my daughter was around."

Red responded, "It is safe. She could never get to it," Pausing to swallow as his throat suddenly felt dry, "it was just this once."

"How often? Because Dembe seemed to think you had a problem."

"I only use once in awhile," It was his first lie to her, and it felt wrong, but he knew she'd up and leave right now if he told her the truth. "it is nothing serious."

"Where you using with Anna? Did she give it to you."

"No," Red said suddenly fearful, "Anna does not know about it," She would murder him if she found out he was using again, and not just opium this time. She had been the one to help him wean off it after his captivity at the hands of the BRA, and once again when he had started using a few months later. He had been clean until Lizzie's fake death.

"I never knew you were that weak," Lizzie spat out at him. She meant the last words to be a low blow. "What is it? Heroin or cocaine?"

Red knew better than to answer both because she would leave that instant and probably never speak to him again. Not that he deserved to have her in his life, but he needed it. "It was just this once, and I have not used it very often. It's recreational."

"So you were taking a break in the middle of a day when Dembe indicated you all had a lot of work to get done."

Red did not answer her question. Instead, he just looked at her waiting for her to leave.

Lizzie did storm out of the room when she realized he was never going to answer her question.

Red watched her leave and said nothing. He felt relief when he heard a door in the hallway slam shut. She didn't leave the safe house, just went to her room.

Lizzie had no choice but to storm to the room she had slept in because she had no way out of the house. It was raining outside so she could not walk home with Agnes, and she doubted Uber would come this far out to pick her up.

Inside she paced, with Agnes in her arms. How long had he been using? How could she miss the signs, she was trained FBI agent. They had taught them what to look for at Quantico. How could she have missed the signs? Then there were moments when her anger took over, how could he use with Agnes around? How could he use and then go hold Agnes? What if he was still high? He could hurt Agnes. How many times had he been high holding Agnes? Did Anna know about his drug usage? He had said she didn't know, but that didn't mean anything. He had lied to her, swore he never would, but he just did and admitted it seconds later when he told her he used the drug recreationally. How could Dembe stand by and let this happen?

Red could hear her pacing in her room when about twenty minutes later he worked up the courage to walk down the hallway. He had faced his own death at least a hundred times, but he could not stand facing the look of disgust and disappointment from Lizzie. Knocking lightly on the door, in fear of waking Agnes, he spoke softly, "Lizzie, can we please talk?"

Liz opened the door glaring at him. Today had been too much. First, she found Red's one-night stand dancing around the kitchen in Reds clothes, and then she learned Red was a drug addict.

"I set up a swing for Agnes in the living room, and lunch is ready. I also got the wifi password," He handed her a sheet of paper, "You can take the living room. I need to make a few calls anyways from the office."

"Are you sure you are not just going to use?"

Red flinched at her words, "No I'm not,"

"How long?"

"How long have I been?" Red asked.

"Using." She snapped knowing he damn well knew what she asked.

"Heroin, only occasionally since about a month ago."

"Just heroin, what else have you used?" She asked daring him to lie to her because she would not back down this time.

"I went to an opium den after your death," Red looked uncomfortable telling her about his drug use. "After a week, I left and got clean."

It was a punch to the gut, it would have been better if he had punched her in the stomach. Of course, it made her go on the defensive, "So it's my fault?"

"No," Red said shaking his head because she never understood, "I made a choice to go to the opium den,"

"Why?"

"Sometimes I need a break," Red answered honestly taking Lizzie by surprise at his honesty. He did not add that he had hoped to OD while he had been in the opium den.

"Where you using while we were looking for Agnes?"

"No I stopped when I found out you were alive and Kirk had you," Red answered honestly.

"And what made you switch to heroin?" Lizzie could not believe the conversation she was having, "heroin Reddington," She had to say it a second time because she could not believe he was this reckless.

"Just recently," Red said, "I needed something quicker and easier to handle."

"Heroin is easier to handle?" Her voice rose an octave causing Red to flinch. "Is this because of Anna?"

"No," Red said anger in his voice, "I told you already she doesn't know. And I'd like to keep it that way, please. It was only a few times. No reason for all of this. I have it under control," He voice also got louder, he quickly stopped himself seeing Agnes asleep.

"Why?"

"I already told you," Red snapped, "Sometimes I need a break from it all."

"And heroin does it for you?"

"Yes," Red answered.

Liz shook her head in disgust, "I do not want you anywhere near my daughter."

"I'm not an addict Lizzie," Red snapped, "It is no use then you drinking a bottle of wine."

"It is heroin Reddington," She snapped back, Agnes waking up but only looking up at her mother instead of crying. "Wine is nothing compared to heroin."

"Same idea behind it," Red said, "I just need something a bit more."

"Do not go near my daughter," Lizzie said, "I will find another place for us."

"What's wrong with your apartment?" Red asked knowing that the original reason Lizzie had given for sticking around was a lack of a car. It was easier on all if she just stayed at the safe house for the day.

"Nothing," Lizzie did not want to admit she hated it because it reminded her of Tom and he was gone.

Red decided not to push it, he knew the cocaine was fucking with his thoughts, and he did not want to say or do something he could not take back later. Instead, he lowered his head, an apparent sign of surrender, "I'll be in the study making calls if you need anything."

"Are you sure you're not just going to use?" Lizzie was clearly not ready to stop fighting.

Red walked away without answering. He knew any answer would just lead to angrier words between them. Suddenly, he was exhausted again, and all of the pain and anguish that had driven him to use heroin was back tenfold. It felt like it was crushing him, his chest ached, and his legs too weak to carry the weight of it all. He collapsed into the desk chair in the study tired of it all, and he felt himself carving the oblivion the drug could bring.

Before he could make his mind up on whether he would go inject himself again or not, a knock on the door alerted him to someone outside the room. Getting up he wearily made his way to the door expected it to be Lizzie or Dembe to discuss his heroin usage with him more. Both of them had looked at him with disgust and judgment in their eyes. He had it under control and could stop if he wanted to.

Instead of finding Liz or Dembe, he found the new security team member.

"I have the file from Agent Navabi, Mr. Reddington."

"Thank you," Red said grabbing the manila folder from her. "Did Agent Navabi indicate if she found what she needed?"

"She said to say thank you for the help. That Levi owes you a favor."

"Good to hear," Red said, "Thank you for picking this up for me."

"My pleasure Mr. Reddington," The woman left leaving Red to close the door and go back to his desk.

Sitting down he glared at the file, it could have information about Anna, Tom, or both. He hoped just Anna, and he hoped it all checked out because it felt easy to fall back into his old pattern with her. He felt calm around her, something that he had been missing from his life for a very long time. He used to find that Lizzie help ground him, but that had been lost after she returned to Tom pregnant with Agnes. Everything had changed when she returned to Tom. Whatever ground they had gained when on the run together had been lost quickly, and Red was left confused as to why it happened. But she was back, albeit only because she needed him. It was their pattern, she'd let him near her until she no longer needed him, and then push him away again. Her love-hate relationship left him with emotional whiplash at times, not sure what Lizzie he would get with each sentence he spoke to her.

Anna wanted nothing from him, as far as he could tell, other than companionship. She cared, he at least thought he could see that she cared. But he found it hard to trust himself after Mr. Kaplan's betrayal. He never saw it coming, not once, then Dembe turning on him, not betraying him but more annoyed and disgusted with him with each passing day. It felt like it was only a matter of time before Dembe returned to his family and left Red on his own. Years ago, it wouldn't have mattered much, but he had learned to be content on his own, but after years of having Lizzie in his life reminding him what it was to care for someone other than yourself, and Dembe reminding him what it was liked to be cared for, it was hard to let go again.

Finally opening the file, he found that it, in fact, had two reports inside. The first was on Anna Higgins. He quickly read the dossier finding nothing out of place. Everything was as Anna had said. She returned from being with him and went back to graduate school. Right out of graduate school she was working at a non-for-profit and also doing some adjunct teaching. She became well known for her research on human trafficking, publishing in top tier journals with high impact factors for the field she worked in. There was the divorce decree, and it read as she had stated, and even the charter for her non-for-profit. She had a security clearance, but her non-for-profit worked closely with the government in tracking, collecting evidence against, and helping take down human traffickers. It was expected she'd have a security clearance as part of that work, she was highly connected in the government after all. It what made her organization so successful.

Everything appeared to be as she said, with one exception; she had a child with her first husband. But the child had died at a young age, a genetic defect. Why hadn't she told him? Maybe it was too painful? It did not seem to suspect that she did not mention the loss of her child. But it might mean she was not ready to open up to him, and the previous night had just been sex.

Next, he moved to the second dossier, and it was about Tom Keen. There was little information there, other than he was likely working with Solomon at Halcyon Aegis and there had been a noise complaint called in on the Keen residence, but the police choose to never follow up on the call. It was the same night that Tom Keen had left Lizzie. That was suspect and made Red clench his fist in anger.