Abandoned
Nightwing hadn't spoken to Raven in two years. One hundred and fourteen weeks to be precise.
He didn't know how it became like this, planning a life together five years down the line to being virtually strangers the next day. (Though they didn't really planned anything. It was just an assumption that they will still be in each other lives further down the line when they outgrown the 'teen' part in Teen Titans. They wouldn't have it any other way.)
It wasn't his choice, or maybe it was. Nightwing never attempted to try to find her, let alone contact her. It was uncharacteristic of him, but every time he even thought about looking for her, guilt and shame and helplessness consumed him whole. She was better off without him, anyway. He was hurting, too. But it shouldn't be about him. It should only be about her.
There was no inciting incident, no deal breaker fight in dismantling their relationship. There was no affairs. No lies. No secrets. They just stopped being a we and started living their own life without each other, just to see if they could. (This were the lies he told himself from time to time when he permitted himself to think about his past because thinking about his past fucking hurts. It was better than admitting that she up and left him when he couldn't bring himself to comfort her after what happened.)
Nightwing moved to a new city after he broke up the Teen Titans. Blüdhaven, a sinister sounding name that fitted complementary to his now blackened heart. The villains were more cruel and his fighting style became more ruthless. Nightwing wasn't afraid to bleed anymore. Every wound and every cut was a token that he was fucking alive and fighting to stay in the world. He didn't really cared anymore about beating criminals to the brink of death before bringing them in to the police station. Batman would be disappointed. Nightwing wouldn't know. He hadn't spoken to his surrogate father in years.
Being a hero was now a job, something to do night in and night out. People couldn't saved themselves and he had above average abilities in solving crimes and throwing a punch, so why not? Blüdhaven needed someone and he needed to leave old memories behind.
It was better this way. He didn't have to worry and wonder and fucking care about anyone other than himself. There would be no guilt and no shame when he got injured on the job or almost fucking died. Nightwing couldn't handle the responsibility anymore. He didn't want to.
Starfire moved back home. Last he heard Cyborg and Beast Boy were tagging along with the Justice League here and there. Raven disappeared somewhere to better control and understand her powers. At least that what he told himself.
Nightwing tried not to follow up on his old teammates. He was not their father. He was not their leader anymore. Maybe he was afraid on what he might find if he went looking into the past, that he actually had compassion and kindness and empathy for his estranged friends.
Okay, fine. There was an inciting incident. Something had happened that started his downward spiral to loneliness and darkness, back when he was known as Robin and didn't know any better.
They almost lost one of their own. They did lose one of their own. Slade took Raven and held her captive and did god knows what for sixteen days before the team found her, barely alive and red eyes shone brightly from her face.
Actually, no. Scratched that. They did not find her. She freed herself. And she made goddamn sure that Slade was dead and gone and cold. She did not leave a stone left unturned.
Nightwing couldn't talk to her in the aftermath. He couldn't allow himself to admit that he was not the hero in the story. That he did fucking nothing to keep her from harm. Raven didn't want to talk about what happened. Instead she wanted to seal the incident away and tried to move forward, trying to take a step forward but in reality took many steps backward.
Nightwing should had known something like this was bound to happen. Slade had lost interest in him after Trigon, after he saw the unrelenting power Raven exerted. She had the fucking power to end the world. She had potential to be something Robin would never be when he was Slade's apprentice: his.
Or maybe it was another way of claiming Robin, taking something that was his and tainting it with Slade's own version of love and possession and control. Slade had the tenancies to know how to get underneath Robin's skin, corrupting every fiber of his being: mentally, physically and spiritually. Slade always knew where to strike him down.
Nightwing wouldn't let any enemies of his gain control of his life like that. He wouldn't allow it. Robin was weak and Nightwing was anything but weak.
The team was different after that. Starfire's child-like wonder was lost. Cyborg became mechanical and withdrawn. Beast Boy's curiosity was nowhere to be found.
Nightwing did tried. He was the team leader. Of course he had to put in some effort in healing the team.
Raven wouldn't look him in the eyes anymore. She closed herself off. Her powers were growing and getting out of control more often than not. Her hair grew longer after every meditation. Her red eyes were becoming a staple. Anger was now her friend.
After too many battles lost due to the lost companionship within the structure of the team, Robin told the team that they would need to take a break from one another, to find themselves, to become whole again.
They went to bed that night believing that this was not the end. This was only a break. There would still be a team after all of this was over.
Raven was gone in the morning. There was a note with only one word written on the page, Sorry.
So, he did what he had to do. Broke the team up. Said good-bye. Abandoned the ideals he had when he first came to Jump City many years ago with only Raven by his side and a far-fetched dream.
What surprised Nightwing the most was that no one put up a fight. They were all so tired of pretending to be okay, of living each day in false pretenses. They already knew the unspoken truth underlying his words when he informed Beast Boy, Cyborg and Starfire of his plans: He didn't want to do this without her.
Nightwing knew Raven enough to know what she really said with her note. Don't look for me. I don't want to be found.
He ignored every phone call, every letter, every form of communication from his former teammates the next two years as he tried to move on, as he tried to honor Raven's wishes when every cell in his body told him to go to her and never let her go.
Nightwing cut all ties to his past. He didn't form acquaintances, nor friendships. He lived for solitude. It was what he deserved.
However, Nightwing shouldn't negate the bond they built and shared and strengthened as a team. He should know better. He did know better. They faced the end of the world together. They were broken, but Nightwing should know that they will not stay broken. Robin wouldn't make this mistake and Richard always had unrelenting hope when it came to her. Because one day Beast Boy, the one who didn't take things too seriously, the one always with a joke up his sleeves, he was the one who broke Nightwing out of his solitude and self-pity. It was he who set things back in motion after Nightwing lived the past two years in stalemate.
"I found her. I think it is time to bring her home."
Nightwing tried not to let guilt and jealousy get in the way when he heard this. The words that should've been coming out of his mouth instead of the shape-shifter in front of him.
But he couldn't. He shouldn't. Nightwing was so tired in living this life. He missed her smiles and her quirks and her witty retorts. He missed how she held him tight during the night when they were sleeping, her head above his heart, listening to it beat. He missed how she was always the one to reached out for his hand while they were walking around, the girl who was so withdrawn when he first met her that it must be her seeking out comfort and heat.
Nightwing wanted to eat Starfire's pudding of friendship. He wanted to build another car with Cyborg. He missed Beast Boy's jokes and demeanor.
Nightwing didn't shut the door in Beast Boy's face, even though he wanted to. When Nightwing looked into Beast Boy's eyes, it suddenly brought him back to that night so very long ago when he first met Raven.
It was time to stop sleepwalking through his life.
He needed to tell her that she shouldn't be sorry. He was the one who should apologize. This time he would be there for her. Like he was in days past. He just lost himself for a bit. Slade had taken over his life and tainted it. But he was not here anymore. No longer painting the world black with black. Nightwing was ready to live again. He was really to be whole and he was really to bring the team back together again. Nightwing would not take no for an answer.
It was time to become a family again.
