I'm taking you on another little detour here, in response to some requests. So, we'll be moving ahead in time, and then in the next chapter, we'll go back to the moment when we left Edward and Bella. You'll have to be patient for them a wee bit longer.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 9: Pixie Chick

Monday, July 18th, 2005, 1:30 am:

The Cullen House

Alice's pov:

"Vamps just wanna have fu-un. That's all we really wa-a-a-a-a-a-ant!" I sang, tapping away on the keyboard and zipping in the credit card information. Esme walked up behind me and stood, glaring. I spared her a glance, and returned to my task. "It's going to be peachy, Esme."

"Explain yourself," she growled.

"Just let me finish booking this trip," I said cheerfully.

"Trip! You are grounded, young lady! You and Jasper, both!"

I stuck my nose in the air. Young lady indeed! "If you ground us, we won't be able to finish what we started, and our efforts will all come to nothing. Carlisle is sanctioning this, so please don't interrupt while I book the minibus. I only have three-and-a-half minutes to do it, or it's going to be rented to somebody else, and then I'll have a really hard time getting Bella and Edward's friends to Canada."

"Canada! Carlisle! Friends? Minibus? Sanctioning what!" Esme spluttered.

"We're on a mission to get B-squared laid," Jasper drawled, sauntering downstairs. He looked good enough to eat, and that's exactly what I would be doing in 36 minutes. I hit 'confirm' and put my hands over my ears.

"B-squared?" she frowned.

"Bee times Bimbo equals B-squared," my mate informed her calmly.

"What!" Esme shrieked.

I took my hands off my ears. "There! All set," I sang, evacuating the computer chair. I skipped down to the red sectional sofa, dragged Jasper onto it, and sat on his lap. Somebody was very glad to see me. Either that, or he had a gun in his pocket.

"Talk," Esme demanded, hands on her hips.

"If we annoy Bella and Edward enough, they're going to decide they need a little stress release," I smiled.

Esme kinda squeaked. Even though I had Seen it coming, it was still highly enjoyable. I giggled, and Jasper watched me, eyes aglow. This was the most fun we had had in ages.

"Are you telling me they're going to consummate their bond tonight?" Esme asked weakly, sitting at the opposite end of the sectional. She looked into space with a stunned expression, and then blushed silver.

I was really loving knocking our Dom and Dona off their pins. It wasn't very often that they couldn't instantly process information and present A Plan. And it wasn't often that we got our parents flustered. Mad, yes. Embarrassed, no. I mean, the two of them are kinky, and they're cool as cucumbers about it. There's not much they don't know, and there's not much they haven't tried. Inside the confines of monogamy, of course. I felt my grin stretch from ear to ear, and Jazz watched me appreciatively.

"No," I said. "They've got some practicing to do before they can consummate their bond. But they're crossing Edward's carefully-drawn lines. It's naked time."

Esme gasped.

"Naked time?" Emmett frowned, towing Rose out of the kitchen.

"Yep."

"I don't believe you," he frowned. "The Bimbo's way too tight-assed."

"Swears jar, Emmett!" Esme growled.

"Don't bother yet, Em. Wait to see how big of a tab you run up," I advised. He scowled at me and dropped twenty dollars in the jar. "That won't be enough to cover it," I told him. "You'd better prepare yourself to say 'good-bye' to the… constricted sphincter."

"Fuck!" Em said, eyes round as dinner plates.

"Emmett! Alice!" Esme snapped, annoyed.

"What, come on, I didn't swear," I shrugged.

"You used a euphemism. It means the same thing, and everyone thought the words you meant to say."

"Doesn't count," I sniffed.

"That's like punishing us for saying 'boobs' instead of 'tits'," Em defended me.

Esme opted to ignore that. "What makes you think they're going to forgive you for humiliating them in front of Charlie? Seriously! Normal siblings close ranks in front of outsiders!"

I blinked sadly. "Charlie shouldn't be an outsider, Esme. He's Bella's Dad."

"What happened tonight?" Sitting down, Em patted the cushion next to him, and Rose sat, too, fixing concerned eyes on me.

In response, I held up a glossy 5"X7". I had been careful to put a 'censored' sticker over Bella's cooch. Emmett didn't need to see that.

"Alice!" Esme howled, moving to snatch the photo, but Emmett's reach was longer.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed. He and Rose almost put their noses on the photo, and gawped. Hilarious.

"You guys missed a great show," I reminisced fondly.

"Literally," Rosalie blinked.

"She wasn't wearing any underwear," Jasper chuckled.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale!" Esme yelled. "No more of that!"

"Yes'm."

"Did he check her oil? His hands are… ew," Rose frowned, nose crinkling.

"No fucking way," Emmett scoffed.

"Emmett!"

I beamed. "Yes w-"

A white fog enveloped my senses, and I braced for the vision:

Blood is everywhere. He wraps his hand lovingly around the top of her head, stroking her pale temples with the back of his fingers. "Sweetheart? Can you hear me? My venom is in you. Embrace it, dear heart. Don't hide away. Be brave, and before you know it all will be well. You'll be with me and Renesmee forever."

The fog lifted. "-way," I finished numbly.

"Lissy! What did you See?" Jasper demanded.

I shook my head slowly. "It's the closest I've ever Seen to the moment when he bites her."

"Edward's going to bite Bella! A month before the wedding! See what you've done!" Esme screeched. "Oh my Golly! We've invited the Volturi! What are we going to tell Aro?"

Who the hell is Renesmee? "No, no, it's not yet. She's a little older. Maybe six months?" I murmured. I focused on the group, and assembled my thoughts. "It's not going to be easy. She's lost weight, her legs are like sticks, and she's lying on an operating table of some kind. There's blood all over the place. He's covered in it."

My family exchanged worried looks. Couldn't they understand that this was a good thing? Edward would not have to make the decision to change a healthy girl. His venom would save her from certain death. It would be far easier on him morally.

I shook my head affectionately. "The first time I ever Saw Bella, I Saw her as one of us. I had the vision of her as a vampire twice: once on the morning that he first saw her, and again when I met him at home just after he ran out of school. The second vision followed directly after that. You see, the moment that he saw her, he had firmly decided. He wanted her, and he was planning to change her right away."

Everybody gasped.

Emmett nodded. "Makes sense. He was so happy when he found her."

"Totally confident that she was for him," Jazzy confirmed. "What happened to change his mind, Lissy? He never would say."

"You know that he smelled her, and reacted intensely to her blood. I met him at home, and he was hysterical. Heartbroken. I showed him the vision of her as a vampire, and he got all peaceful, but then, I Saw him palpating her chest and ordering her not to leave him. It's the reason he spruced off to Alaska. He assumed that he would take too much blood from her, and she would die."

"And so began an entire year of anguish, insecurity and chaos," Jazz supplied.

"They are together despite everything," Esme murmured.

"He always wanted her, and he honestly thought he'd be the instrument of her death," Em said sorrowfully.

"So… she was always meant to be one of us," Rose said, finally understanding the truth.

I nodded. "The vision I just had comes from the same time as the scary one, only this time Edward's not frantic. Obviously, he will have been upset by whatever events precede the bite, but in this vision he's very calm and loving, telling her to embrace the venom so she can be with him forever. It's the closest I've ever been to Seeing the whole thing."

"The gaps are filling in," Jazz smiled.

"Yes. It's not so far away. Within the calendar year, for sure," I said, excitement growing. "They're both going to get everything they ever wanted."

"Are you going to Show it to him, Alice?" Esme asked softly.

"I'll have to see how the wind blows."

"Got the trip booked, Jellicle?" Jazz smirked.

"Yep. I just have to phone the humans in the morning."

"Trip?" Emmett asked, trying his best to keep up.

"Jazzy and I are towing a bunch of Edward and Bella's friends to Niagara Falls. It's going to drive them right into bed," I beamed.

Esme squeaked.

I ignored her. "Wanna come?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. Rose?" Em smiled.

"You're telling me we're going to hang around and embarrass them while they get in their groove?" Rosalie asked, stunned.

"Yep."

"Oh, boy, I'm in," she declared.

Em's face turned sober. "I still don't believe the bluenose is going to let down his walls."

Jazzy cackled. "He already has."

Em raised a questioning brow.

"You should have seen his underwear!" Jazz howled.

I joined in. I loved Edward, but he had always been so tightly wound up, and judgmental about our sex lives. He was about to discover everything he had missed out on about being male, and some of the looks on his face were going to be priceless. Nobody could possibly be as funny as discombobulated Edward. And the great thing was, he would embrace adulthood, and a lot of formerly embarrassing things wouldn't bother him anymore. And Bella was going to blossom, too. I couldn't wait to see it.

"Jasper!" Esme warned. We ignored her. I mean, we love her, but come on.

"You mean he had a wet spot again?" Em asked, perplexed.

"Emmett!" Esme fumed.

"Understatement. Totally jizzed." My mate hugged me and giggled into my neck.

"Jas-per!" Esme barked.

"Fuck me sideways!"

"Emmett! Wait 'til your Dad-"

"Charlie blew his top," I grinned. "He almost shot Edward."

"Holy freakin' wads of cum!"

Esme could hardly work out a squeak for that one.

"How do you know you're not going to push him into a Nap?" Em fretted.

Esme stopped seething and looked at me worriedly.

I shook my head. "He's going to have to climax one hell of a lot of times to get a Nap."

"Alice, language!" Esme remonstrated numbly. I stuck a dollar bill in the swears jar.

"Well, he is," I protested.

"He's a long way off from a Nap, then. Poor bastard stopped whacking off at least a year ago," Em shrugged.

"Swears jar!" Esme howled.

Emmett waved another twenty and stuck it in the jar. "Credit."

"Aargh!" Esme growled, rolling her eyes.

"No, he's back at it," Jazz revealed. "He's just real sneaky."

"TMI," Rose said.

"Yeah, and they dry-hump, too," I added.

"Have you people had enough fun gossiping about your brother?" Esme roared. The front door opened, and Carlisle came in, surprise etched on his face.

"What in perdition is going on?" he wondered, looking from face to face.

"They're all gossiping about Edward and Bella," Esme wailed. "They're talking about the state of their clothing, and Charlie pulling his gun, and how they're going to get naked, and how many climaxes it will take him to Nap, and whether he jerks off and-"

"Swears jar!" all of us yelled.

"Aargh! Bill Clinton!" our mother bellowed.

I love it when she swears by the presidents.