Empty Spaces

Hello hunters… Congratulations, you have found the secret message. Please send your answer to Old Pink, care of the Funny Farm, Chalfont…

I felt like I was inside a warm little bubble and that for the moment the sadness within me had melted down to a harmless liquid floating in the base of my stomach, I was relaxing in the bath, thinking about the events of today. I was feeling happy and had only had to take one pill when I came home, my mind kept flashing back to mine and Edwards kiss it was on replay in my head and I had no complaints. I could picture Edward in my head with his perfectly messed up hair, those green eyes that captured me whenever I looked in to them and those dreamy soft lips which had been on mine earlier.
I touched my mouth and could recall the tingles Edward had sent through my body from merely touching our lips together, I'd never felt like this before in my entire life. This feeling was completely new and alien to me, I'd never been attracted to a boy in my life, I was beginning to think that maybe I was asexual that relationships were something that just were not for me. Edward had given me hope that maybe I could feel like that for someone, maybe I wasn't meant to be alone all my life.
I had my worries though, could I bring someone in to my life? I mean yes I had feelings for Edward but this was happening quickly and it frightened me, I was inexperienced and I didn't want to fall hard only to end up spurned. I didn't want to taste the forbidden fruit only for it to be ripped away from me, I would rather live my life only seeing love rather than have it and lose it. I don't think I could take it, my emotional state was fragile as it is, I was scared about what would happen if I opened myself to this guy and then lost him. I shook my head, I was thinking far too much as usual, I mean it could have simply been a friendly good bye kiss, my gut and my heart were telling me something different though. Surely the electricity had meant something, I mean that intensity could not happen to just everyone, constantly? I closed my eyes and wished for it to be true.
My other fear was that Edward would see how emotionally unstable I was and get scared and disappear, what if maybe just maybe he did like me and I did something weird like have an episode and I scared him away? I don't know how I would feel about myself if that happened, I was already prone to a serious amount of self-loathing could I live with myself knowing my inability to cope had scared off a chance to be happy? A chance to be normal? Could I let myself in that deep and do that? Would it not be better for me to just shut things done if that's where things were heading now so I wouldn't get hurt and hurt myself?
My thinking just led to more and more questions, this was why I was in the bath to try and calm and cool myself off, Edward had left me incredibly hot and bothered something I had never been before.

What shall we use, To fill the empty spaces, where we used to talk?

"Hello? Where are you Bella?"
I sat up instantly recognising Alice's voice; I jumped out of the bath and wrapped myself up in a towel.

"Alice? I'm in the bathroom, give me five."
I quickly dried off and put on my pyjamas, I hadn't seen Alice since our night out. I'd stopped being surprised when Alice disappeared on me during our nights out, she often went home with a guy or I went home before her depending on how drunk I was.
I walked in to my bedroom and smiled at Alice, she was sprawled out on my bed watching some trashy programme on television, I crawled in to bed next to her.
"Hey Ali, how have you been?"
"I've been fine, but what about you? I have a feeling that you have something to tell me!"
I smiled I couldn't help it, it was pretty hard not to smile considering how I was feeling. I was so happy and elated, I felt like I was sixteen having my first crush or something, that's how old you're meant to be when you have your first crush right?
"I kissed a guy Alice. His name is Edward he's a friend of Jaspers a guy I went to college with. We bumped in to each other today and well one thing led to another and you know! I'm so happy, first off I reconnect with Jasper then I meet Edward, Al he's so beautiful and I'd had the worst day ever he just made me so happy."
I expected Alice to be happy for me, she had always said to me that I should be out seeing people, that I should hook up with a guy. I remembered going out with her before and she had tried to push me in to seeing this weird guy, obviously I refused. I looked at Alice's face and she looked anything but happy, if anything she looked pretty pissed, I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong but she beat me to.

"Oh I see how it is, I'm not around for a while and you just up and ditch me? Go off with some new friends and find yourself a guy? Well what about me? Did you ever think about me? I've been here for you from the start, had to watch you cry yourself to sleep or bring you down from whatever crazy high you're on, but the first sign of someone new you forget about me?
"Alice it's not like that I don't know how I'm meant to get a hold of you, you never answer your phone and you disappeared on me the other night we were out. I would never replace you; you know how important to me you are!"
She didn't seem any less angry if anything what I said pissed her off even more, she climbed out of bed and stood at the foot of the bed and stared at me angrily. I'd never seen Alice angry in my entire life, my stomach felt like it was being weighed down with lead and I had no idea what I'd done wrong.

"So it's my fault is it? I wasn't there to hold your hand one night and you think you can just move on and leave me? Well fuck you Bella, I'm done. You're my best friend and you promised to always be there for me just like I'm always there for you, except you aren't are you? You've found new people you want to hang out with, a guy giving you attention so you sack me off, like I've not helped you survive this past year and a half."
She stopped her rant and I tried to speak up and tell her it wasn't like that, I had no idea why she was acting like this but it was ruining the happy feeling I was trying to hold on to, Alice's words were snapping something deep inside of me, the sadness began to grow again.
"You know what Bella, I'm not going to hang around here and listen to you ramble on about how great your life is. I'm not going to be there for you any more so when this guy destroys your heart and these friends of yours realise how much of a weak, pathetic bitch you are don't come to me because I won't be there. It's only a matter of time before you lose everyone again, only this time you won't have me and it'll be your own pathetic fault."
I hadn't realised I'd started crying till the fat tears were rolling and my face was all wet, my chest started to constrict and I couldn't breathe because of the lump in my throat, I hated myself for doing so but I began to sob; ugly loud sobs which seemed to spur Alice on. Her tone turned mocking and her words became cruel, I felt the sting of the words in my chest, breaking down the happiness inside of me and filling me with nothing but cold emptiness.

"Look at you crying you're so pathetic, no wonder everyone leaves you. Your own mother couldn't stand you and your sister could see how worthless you were, maybe that's why you hardly see your father? He probably hates you too. Oh are you upset Bella, why don't you try to kill yourself again? But then again you couldn't even do that right."
I covered my ears and began yelling for her to shut up and stop, but she wouldn't her words echoed a thousand times in my ears and it felt like thousands of voices were yelling all at once; like I had an audience in the room yelling along with her. I rocked myself back and forth and screamed to drown out the hateful words.

How shall I fill, the final places?

I opened my eyes and Alice was gone, I wasn't in bed any more I was lay on my bedroom floor and my room was a mess. I couldn't remember if I had destroyed my room or if Alice had, I didn't want to remember, I shakily stood up and went to the mirror. My face was blotchy and disgusting from the tears, I wiped away my face noticing a cut on my arm, no no no please no, the cut on my skin was fresh with dried blood down my arm. I pressed my fists to my face, willing myself to remember what had happened, I couldn't even remember getting out of bed, I started panicking scared, please don't let this start again I couldn't have an episode I tried to remember the light feeling of today but thinking about Edward made the panic so much worse. What if Alice was right? What if when he realised what I was like he would reject me and run a mile? It would make sense for him to do so, I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't let myself get emotionally invested in him; I had to get rid of him and Jasper from my life and make up with Alice somehow. I'd find her and apologise for being such a bad friend. I crawled in to bed and dry swallowed three pills, I needed some peace, hopefully I would be able to get some rest and I could find her tomorrow. I picked up my phone; I could at least call her and leave a message even if she didn't answer.
After five rings, I went to voice mail; I steeled my nerves and left her a message.

"Hi Alice, it's me Bella. I'm so sorry about everything, it's my fault. I know it is, please come back I need you, I - I'm so sorry, you were right, I'm a bad person. Please call me back."

After hanging up the call, I looked down at my phone noticing I had a few messages. Three from my mother, two from Edward and one from Jasper, I deleted them all from my mother I didn't even want to know what she had to say probably about to berate me for this afternoons event.
Message Jasper Whitlock – Hey Bella, just wondering if you're okay. Call me, we can do something this week, love J. x
Message Edward Cullen – Hi. Making sure you got home safe, thinking about you.
Message Edward Cullen – My lips are still tingling, I can't stop thinking about you. "Awake for ever in a sweet unrest, still, still to hear her tender-taken breath, and so live ever-or else swoon to death."

I couldn't bear to delete the beautiful texts from Edward but I was too scared to reply so I hid my phone under my pillow and cried myself to sleep. I was stuck at a cross roads and the pain inside of me had become unbearable now the lightness had been sucked from me, I didn't know what I was meant to do, how was I meant to do this alone? But how was I meant to not be alone when the darkness inside of me prevailed. Not for the first time in my life I wished I was dead.

How shall I complete the wall?

Reviews would be much appreciated, thank you for reading. Peace and love xo