Maybe you don't understand why I made Kensi act like she did. This chapter should help you a little to understand her motives more. Hope you like this chapter:)
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The sun was down when Kensi unlocked the door of their house. She had cried a lot during the drive from the hospital to here. Yeah she had decided on her own to let him go, but still it didn't mean that she wasn't hurting. She still wanted him as much as she did at the start. A part of her wanted for him to remember them on his own so she wouldn't have to let him go. Kensi knew that she wasn't obliged to do it, but when you have a chance to save the one you love the most from pain, what do you do? She knew their relationship hadn't been all bad. They were happy, truly happy. They had found someone to love and they were loved in return. They hadn't had to pretend they were living another life with the other and they had shared their deepest secrets. But in the end, they broke each other's heart and she didn't want him to relive it all. What is it gonna change if he doesn't remember the famous Densi? Nothing. It will only be easier for him to restart his life. Life he would have restart without her anyway. She was doing that to preserve herself too. Kensi knew she wouldn't be able to live their break-up if it was him asking to. Because it would mean that she had failed him and that she was losing another man she had gave her heart to. She couldn't go through that. Lettting Deeks go was her best option.
Kensi wiped her tears with her sleeve and entered the house. Monty went to greet her, happy to see one of its masters. She petted him and drop her bag beside her. She went on her knees and started to talk to him in an ununderstantable language for humans while scratching his belly. Its enthusiastic yelps made her smile. Month really was the best companion.
When she finished to play with him, she went to the kitchen. She was starving and only wanted to eat ice cream in a bubble bath. Kensi had always ate her emotions and tonight was one of her most emotional night. She took an ice cream jar in the freezer and a spoon. Her movements were slow and she looked like someone had obliged her to continue to live. The federal agent opened the ice cream jar and took a big spoon of it. It was delicious and so perfect for an emotional wreck like her. The federal agent grabbed the food and went in the bedroom. She put the ice cream pot on her bedside table and a picture of Deeks and her capted her attention. On the frame, they were at the beach and she was in his arms. You could see her looking at him lovingly while Deeks was smiling his cutest smile.
I'll miss you, Deeks, said Kensi with the voice cracking. I'll miss us so much.
She reposed the frame and retook some ice cream. She would need it a lot tonight. Maybe more than what she thought if she was going to remember every moments they had passed together.
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An hour later, Kensi was in a warm bath, the ice cream pot next to her and her phone in her hand. She was looking at her album photo and she had been for fifteen minutes now. And yes, she was still crying, but how couldn't she. Her heart was clentching painfully in her chest every time her eyes dropped on another photo of them. Them at the beach, them at their house, them at the office, them at Kate's wedding,... always smiling and in love. Two engaged people happy to had finnaly found their true love. Why did it have to end like this? Because she was Kensi and she didn't deserve happiness. Because she was Kensi and every men she loves leave her. Because she was Kensi and she wasn't going to have an happily ever after. It wasn't a possibility in her future. She knew that her life was destined to end like this since her dad's death.
She was going to need to inform her mom, Roberta and the team of his memory loss and eventually of her decision. She knew it wasn't going to be easy to convinced them of letting her do what she wanted. But she didn't care. Her choice was made and nothing could change it. She only needed them not to talk to Deeks about her and him.
That night, Kensi wore one of his old t-shirt hoping his smell would be enough to make her fall asleep fast. But it wasn't. Laying on her side, she was fixing his. She was almost able to see him there. He would be smiling at her and petting the sheets beside him inviting her to snuggle against him. He was always doing it when he was seeing that she couldn't sleep. Those nights, his comfortable presence, his unique smell and his gentle caresses on her back would lull Kensi to sleep. Her vision of him slowly disappeared when she remembered that there weren't going to be anymore nights like those ones. The heartbroken federal agent rolled to his side and put her head on his pillow. The smell of the beach and of gunpowder was still there. Maybe she would be able to have a somewhat peaceful night after all.
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The next morning, Kensi woke up late but didn't feel like she had just had a long night of deep sleep. She got up even if she didn't wanted to and went into the kitchen to prepare herself a coffe. She needed it.
Next thing she did was to text Nell to come as soon as possible. She was her closest friend in this situation and the brunette knew that the little redhead would be able to understand why she was going to do what she wanted to do.
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Another chapter done! Only Kensi this time. Hope you liked it. Deeks will not be in the next chapter as Nell and maybe the moms and the rest of the team. Please leave a review:)
