Author's Note: OH my goodness! I tried posting this morning, but I was having issues. This is like the 5th time I've tried posting today! I'm sorry for the slight delay! As always, thanks for the reviews! I was so surprised to see so many of them this morning! Enjoy. :)
Entry 8
So the next question on this list is "How do you see yourself?". I kind of had trouble with this, but I'm going to give it a shot. I see myself as someone who tries to appear confident with himself, even though that isn't always the case. I'm starting to become more confident about myself now that I have Blaine and I know I can actually get a boyfriend instead of chasing after boys who will never like me.
It's hard for me to describe myself, so I guess another way of saying it is I know what I'm definitely not. I definitely am not anything like my dad. I tried that once and even dated a girl! It was the most degrading thing I've ever done to myself. I tried to change myself to make other people happy, or to make life easier and have my dad actually see me. It turned out to be a terrible idea and only made things worse.
I don't have much more to say on this topic, so I'm going to talk about something else. I got a book from the library to read that Miss Brown recommended. It's called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I haven't read too much of it yet but it seems interesting. It's about a girl who kills herself and leaves behind audio tapes of her telling people why.
Something else big in my character is that I've never felt suicidal, ever. Even when I was hiding my sexuality from my friends and family, I didn't feel like I wanted to off myself. I just dealt with it. Blaine told me once about how he'd been suicidal for a while. He even attempted to end his life by taking all the pills in his medicine cabinet.
I guess I just have an extreme amount of self preservation or something. I know that once I get out of Ohio everything will get better. I can just focus on that and look past now. That's a good thing, right?
Kurt
Very good attempt at a hard prompt. Everyone isn't as confident as they seem. It's the way life is. It's also nice to hear that you were never one of the many gay teens who has attempted suicide. If you keep that mentality that whatever going on right now isn't permanent with you whenever things go wrong, you'll live a very fulfilling life.
Miss. Brown
Too bad his attempt was only an attempt.
Dave
Hey! Don't you dare say that! Take it back Dave, unless you want me to beat the shit out of you!
Kurt
I'm terrified.
Dave
Dave, please apologize. That's very rude.
Miss. Brown
Fine, sorry princess.
Dave
So, how do I see myself? I see myself as two people. There's Dave and there's Karofsky. Karofsky shoves Kurt into lockers and dumpsters. Karofsky is an usher boy at his father's church. Karofsky just hasn't met the right girl yet, that's why he goes to homecoming and prom dateless. Karofsky's a cruel homophobe.
Then there's Dave. Dave feels bad when he throws Kurt into dumpsters. Dave cringes when he thinks about how the people at church won't look at him anymore once they know. Dave hasn't met the right girl, but might've met the right boy. Dave hates what Karofsky says. Dave hates Karofsky.
Listen, Kurt. I'm sorry about what I said about your boyfriend, Burt or whatever his name is. I'm sorry for running you out of McKinley. And I'm also sorry for sometimes being a dick. This doesn't mean that it's going to stop. It just means I'm sorry when I do it. I'll probably still write fag on your locker in sharpie later today.
Dave
Dave, many people do have a façade that they use for different situations, but it's important to like both sides of you. Maybe its time you think about getting rid of Karofsky. I have a book to suggest for you. I'll give it to you tomorrow in class. This was also a very good stab at a hard prompt. Good job boys!
Miss. Brown.
Ok, first of all Karofsky, Burt is my DAD not my BOYFRIEND! That's just gross. Secondly, if you're so sorry, then why will you more likely than not slushie me, call me some kind of name, and probably throw me in a dumpster by the end of the day? No matter what you say, you'll always be Karofsky to me.
Kurt
Thanks for being so understanding Hummel.
Dave
Don't even try making me the bad guy! You just said that you thought my boyfriend should've killed himself, and you sounded like you actually meant that you were sorry in your writing, until you said how you weren't going to change anything! If you aren't going to change what you're doing, you must not be very sorry.
Kurt.
