Chapter 9: Till we ain't strangers anymore
Disclaimer: Any character you recognize I do not own.
AN1: Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.
It's hard to find forgiveness when we just turn out the light
It's hard to say you're sorry when you can't tell wrong from right
It would be so easy to spend your whole damn life just keeping score
So let's get down to it baby, there ain't no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see when you look into my eyes
Let's put our two hearts back together and we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby till we ain't strangers anymore
-Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore, Bon Jovi /LeAnn Rimes
"I want one night to show you how it should have been between us…if you let me…"
They both stare at each other as the words echo in the silence of the room.
He holds his breath when she starts to speak, "If…"
"If…I agree…do you promise to leave me alone afterwards?"
He stares at her for what seems like an eternity before he finally agrees. "Yes. If that's what you want."
His answer should have made her feel relieved. After all, that's what she really wants, right? To be left alone and to never see him again, so really, she should be glad. So why is it, that she feels disappointment at his ready agreement? Surely, she doesn't still…after everything that's happened, she couldn't possibly be still in love with him, could she?
But there's no time to second-guess when she finds herself answering him with a silent nod. And she thinks maybe she's crazy after all…because his apparent relief at her answer finds an echo inside her.
"Can I?" he asks tentatively as he takes a step towards her.
She can't speak so she just nods at him, not quite sure what he means to do.
And then she's closing her eyes as he wraps his arms around her. And when he begs her, "Please…" she realizes what he means. So she wraps her arms around him too and she wants to start crying again because it feels so much like coming home.
The relief he feels at her acquiescence almost brings him to his knees. And when she finally returns his embrace, it's all he could do not to crush her as he tightens his arms around her.
He makes himself let her go so he can stare into her eyes. "Kono…" he starts to speak, but she shakes her head and places a finger across his lips.
"Shh…" she whispers as she looks at him with eyes softened by unshed tears. "No words…"
She doesn't want to hear him speak because she knows the words would only weaken her resolve. And she can't afford to listen to him anymore. She barely made it when he broke things off to go back to Catherine and it was only by sheer force of will that she'd gathered the tattered remains of her heart and pretended he hadn't hurt her as much as he had. She'd soldiered on because to not do so would have meant she'd have to give up H50. And so she'd striven to rebuild her defenses against him. And she'd succeeded somewhat before they'd been taken.
But those defenses were weakened during their time at WoFat's hands and ultimately destroyed when she'd seen how broken he'd been in the aftermath. Because even after everything they'd been through together, she'd continued to believe in him. She'd believed that he wouldn't have hurt her if there had been any other way.
And to find out that she had been wrong all along is devastating for her.
So no, she doesn't want to hear any more words from him for they would only make her hope. And frankly, where he's concerned, hoping only brings her more pain.
Because he doesn't want to ruin the moment, he complies, even though he wants nothing more than to tell her again that he loves her. But he knows that it's too late. Some words really do lose their meaning when withheld for so long. So he tells himself that there's nothing more he can do but make the best of his one night with her. And he convinces himself that come morning, he'll be able to let her go without breaking down and begging her to let him stay. And he makes himself believe that when he finally walks out of her door, he can do so without looking back.
The thought of tomorrow terrifies him. But until then, he'll pretend that everything is okay because he has to.
She doesn't say anything more as she leads him to her bedroom. The silence is deafening and she almost changes her mind. But as though he knows this, he is right there when her steps falter. And it's almost like he's making her go through with it with just the force of his will.
And when they're facing each other in the glow of her bedside lamp and she's trembling all over, unable to meet his gaze, he reaches out and cups her cheeks with his hands and gently raises her face so she has no choice but to look at him. And what she sees reflected in the depths of his eyes makes her catch her breath. But before she can think about why that is, he is bending his head towards her and then he is kissing her.
He takes care not to spook her so it starts out tentative…just a soft press of lips upon lips.
It is fleeting…almost, seeking…gentle.
When she doesn't resist, he deepens the kiss as he steps ever closer to her. And because he can't say the words out loud, he pours everything that he feels into that kiss.
She gasps when his desperation spills into the kiss and it's all the invitation he needs. His tongue plunders the depths of her mouth and she feels so overwhelmed she can only cling to his arms in an effort to keep herself upright.
She doesn't know how long it lasts and she really doesn't care. But when the need for air becomes imperative, they both break apart and she can only stare at him in befuddlement as they both try to catch their breaths. She swallows heavily and doesn't say anything, waiting for his next move.
He worries that he's frightened her with his intensity but when he looks into her eyes and sees nothing but bemusement, he slides his hands to her waist and brings her closer. She stiffens momentarily when he drops a soft kiss along her neck but she doesn't push him away. So he dares a little bit more and pushes the neckline of her shirt so he can taste her skin.
She stifles a moan as she feels his open mouthed kiss along her shoulder blade but is unable to stop her hands from reflexively tightening their hold on his shirt. And when his tongue darts out to taste her skin her knees almost buckle under her and she is grateful that his arms are strong enough to support her. She tells herself not to make a sound because she shouldn't enjoy this. She couldn't. This was for him…so he'll finally leave her alone. She wouldn't. But her traitorous heart wouldn't let her and she almost wails in frustration when he stops and looks at her intently with a silent question in his eyes.
And she wants to look away because she knows her eyes are betraying what she feels but she's unable to.
He knows she is nervous by the way her muscles feel tense under his hands. So he makes sure to move slowly and carefully as he slides his fingers to the bottom of her shirt. But even though he is ready to stop at the slightest indication that she's changed her mind, he can't help but feel gutted when she covers his hands with hers and stills his motion. He tightens his hold on her shirt momentarily before he makes himself let go. But his disappointment soon turns into wonder when instead of asking him to leave she moves instead to grasp her shirt and proceeds to take it off.
She stands before him bare from the waist up and fights the ever present urge to cover herself, knowing that the burn marks are showing starkly against her skin. She sees him focus on the marks and she wills him to meet her eyes. Because she wants him to see what she's made of….to realize that she's stronger than he gives her credit for.
And so she waits…willing for him to understand what she needs from him.
He feels moisture gathering at the back of his lids at the memory of what she's endured but he ruthlessly blinks them away. This night isn't about remembering. It's about making new memories to supplant the old. So when he finally looks at her, he doesn't allow any other emotion but wonder at her beauty to show in his eyes.
The look of challenge she gives tells him he has but one chance to make this right. So he holds her gaze as he slowly takes off his shirt, understanding that the only way they can ever move forward is to reveal to each other all what they'd kept buried inside them.
The breath she isn't aware she's been holding comes out in a rush when he finally meets her gaze. Because what she sees reflected in his eyes tells her that he understands. And when he bares himself before her, she knows what he is telling her.
That whatever happened to them hadn't broken them beyond repair. That whatever happened between them while they were kept in that warehouse didn't define them. And that finally…he sees her for her…beyond that act that had made him all too human.
The relief he sees in her eyes tells him that she too understands. That she too sees him for him. A man flawed beyond the scars that adorned his body.
So when he's finally able to make his limbs move, it is to trace his fingers across her skin. Gently feeling the bumps in an effort to soothe the ache he knows she still feels when she looks at or touches them.
She trembles at the feel of his fingers across her skin but she doesn't flinch because for the first time, they don't hurt. So she too places her hand on his chest and runs her fingers gently across his own scars. They are unevenly spaced across his torso, some smooth, some jagged and she knows how much they must have hurt.
And it is with surprise that she finds herself kissing the marks, one by one.
The feel of her lips coasting across his torso makes him close his eyes in reaction and it is almost a torture not to sweep her into his arms for fear that she'd realize what she's doing and stop. But when her lips land on the one that runs across his abdomen his control snaps and he finds himself dragging her upwards so he can ravage her lips the way he's dreamed of for so long, his right arm wrapping itself around her waist to lift her up as his left hand slides down to her right thigh. He groans into the kiss as she moves to wrap her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips.
And then he is walking towards the bed and laying her down on it reverently.
The naked want and need in his eyes when their kiss finally ends make her shiver in anticipation. And she has to bite her lips to stop the moan from escaping as he slowly slides her shorts down her legs.
Her beauty brings him to his knees and it is with trembling hands that he worships her body.
It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. It's as though he's made it a mission to bring all of her nerve endings to life with his lips, teeth, tongue and hands. By the time he's made a sweep of her whole body, she is a quivering mass of need. And as the last of her clothing drops to the floor, it is quickly joined by the rest of his.
And then he is hovering over her and then skin is touching skin.
She hisses when their bodies finally touch and he feels her stiffen. He realizes that the memory of their last…first…encounter is making its way back into her consciousness. So he tries not to crush her by supporting his weight with his forearms as he waits for her to either accept his weight or push him off.
She tries not to remember the last time they were like this but she can't help it. So she forces her eyes open so she could look at him hoping to shake off the memories from the back of her mind. And it is when she sees how much he's struggling to hold himself together that she realizes she needs to do this. So she tells him without words that she's ready by moving to cradle his lower body between her legs.
It's his time to hiss when their lower limbs touch and the look he gives her tells her how much it is costing him to take things slow. And then she is taking all of his weight and they're both panting from the effort.
They kiss because back then there had been none shared between them.
They run their fingers across each other's bodies because back then his hands had only held hers down.
This time he takes care to give her pleasure instead of pain.
This time she lets out whimpers instead of screams.
And when he finally makes her his, he looks into her eyes in anticipation instead of turning away in fear that he'll see loathing in hers.
And when they finally taste the tears in each other's lips, they find that they aren't as bitter as they had been before.
So they make love all night like they should have before everything went wrong.
But they don't talk like they should have even when everything feels right.
And when morning finally comes, as it always does, he gets up and pretends his heart isn't breaking when he leaves, as he promised her he would.
And she pretends she's asleep and lets him go as she told him she would.
It is when he's 33,000 feet above the ground that he finally lets himself feel once again. He asks himself if he's made the right choice in asking for last night because it meant that he had to leave. But when he closes his eyes and remembers the way she felt in his arms, he can't bring himself to regret it.
Of course, that doesn't really mean he's ready to move on anytime soon. The truth is, he's probably made things worse for himself. And he curses himself again for his shortsightedness. And he wonders if it's really too late to go back. Because he still loves her. And he hates himself for letting her go when he did.
It takes her several moments after he's left to realize that she's bitten her lips so hard that it's blood she's actually tasting on her tongue. And she tries not to resent the fact that he seems to have had no difficulty in leaving her. Because the truth is, she regrets her decision as soon as her front door closes after him.
And so she lies in bed and tries not to hate the fact that despite her promise to herself that she wouldn't ever let him weaken her again, she's failed. Because even without the words he's managed to break through her defenses once again.
And so she hates him. She hates him because even after everything that's happened, she still loves him.
She still loves him.
She just doesn't trust him anymore.
AN2: Again, sorry for the late update. More health concerns and more coding deadlines made it hard for me to find time to write so if this isn't any good I do hope you still continue to read this story anyway. Again, thanks for the feedback, favorites and alerts – I really do appreciate them even if I'm unable to respond to all of you individually. *Hugs to all* and till next time. Btw, update for OUaK is forthcoming – maybe in a day or so (fingers crossed).
