A/N: I'm sorry it took longer than I expected to post. My brother got Zelda: Twilight Princess, and we've been addicted, so that's been consuming most of my free time. I also apologize if this chapter isn't as funny as the others. I had many ways of approaching it, and this was how it worked out. I really struggled with this one for some reason. I ended up re-reading my entire story a few times just to find the original "voice." It was very frustrating. On the bright side, this will be my quickest update yet! I originally wrote this as one huge chapter, but I didn't like how long it was getting, so I broke it into two. I guess there's just something about me that can't stand lengthy chapters. Who knows. The next part is already written and will be posted in a few days. I just wanted to give this part some time to sink in :)

Chapter 9: Another Royal Failure

Samus always enjoyed the sunrise. It was a peaceful time when the trees still glistened with dew and the happy chirps of the earliest waking birds resonated through the orange-blue sky. She appreciated this small moment of alone time as she looked out the window over the grounds, deeply breathing in the fresh morning air. What miraculous serenity. At this time of day, everything in the world seemed to make sense. She allowed herself a rare smile.

"TIRES DON EXITS!"

Samus whirled around to see Peach sitting straight up in bed. The princess then fell back onto her pillow and resumed snoring softly. Samus sighed and picked up her gym bag. Even though Peach and Zelda had been camping out in Samus' room for weeks, the bounty hunter still hadn't grown accustomed to the Mushroom Princess' sleep-talking gibberish.

...

Captain Falcon was already on the Battlefield stage by the time Samus arrived. His back was turned, and he was doing a few pre-training stretches. It occurred to Samus that she never truly conversed with the racer, and she attempted to break the ice.

"So, Zelda and Game & Watch? Should be interesting. Her strong long-range and smash attacks with his dangerous aerial game and high knockback should make for quite the challenge. Of course, you're one of the fastest, and she's one of the slowest and lightest, so that helps. And his range sucks, so that allows me to keep him at a distance," she babbled.

Falcon didn't answer.

"Did you get all that?" she asked, slightly annoyed.

Silence.

Man, I heard he was on the slow side - but I didn't know it was that bad, Samus thought. This is going to be a long week.

She walked around in front of him and began to speak and gesture in a Tarzan-like vernacular.

"Zelda strong far away. Game & Watch strong in air. But Captain Falcon fast. Zelda slow. Samus can shoot things. Game & Watch can't. You understand me?"

Falcon stared at her and cocked his head. Then he pressed a button on the side of his helmet.

"Were you speaking to me? Forgive me, my headset was on, and I could not hear you. Machiavelli's The Prince," he said, pointing to his helmet. "I have it on audio book."

Samus stared.

"With such rigorous training and match schedules, I hardly have the time to complete my annual reading list without cheating a little," he explained, reaching forward and grabbing his toes.

"R-reading list?" Samus stuttered.

"Yes," he said. "Huxley, Faulkner, Sinclair, Woolf, just to name a few. I'm currently tackling More's Utopia. Riveting piece. General Utopus, while rather unimaginatively named, I'm afraid, and his idea of homogeneity seems so promising in theory. But like many revolutionaries, his vision is distorted and mutated over time. Perhaps he should have been dubbed General Distopus!"

Falcon laughed heartily at his own wit, but stopped abruptly at the sight of Samus' slack-jawed expression. "Is there something wrong?"

"No!" Samus said quickly. "I mean - well - I have to be honest. I always thought you were kind of simple. You're so loud and flashy in battle, I thought you were like the idiot, chauvinistic jocks I knew at the Federation."

Falcon chuckled, "You are not the first to assume things about me, Samus. But shouldn't you know not to judge a book by its cover?" He glanced over at the pieces of her thick armor.

"Touché. But what's with the 'FALCON PAUNCH!' and the 'FALCON KICK!' and all that bravado?" she asked.

"Blame my music playlist. I always brawl to a mix of the works of Bach, Beethoven, Vivaldi, Dvorak, and Handel playing in my headset," He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. "The classics always get my heart racing, and I simply get overzealous. Plus, the music is playing so loudly, I have to scream to hear myself over the clashing symbols and erupting trumpets."

Samus was speechless.

The racer gestured toward the stage, "Alright, how about you show me your moves?"

...

Peach was on a mission. Determined to compensate for ruining the spy job, she had been meticulously following Ike all morning and writing down any suspicious behavior. During breakfast, she sat down at the same table, pretending to talk to Luigi but actually attempting to overhear the conversation Ike was having with Ganondorf.

"And of course-a, from birth Mama always thought Mario was the best-a," Luigi ranted. "Only you can-a understand my pain, Princess."

"Mmm hmmm," Peach said half-heartedly, stealing glances at Ike.

"Another day, another tasteless heap of rubbish," Ganondorf grumbled, turning the oatmeal around his spoon.

"Yes, the meals here do leave something to be desired," Ike agreed, staring at his runny eggs and salty slice of ham. "Do you know of any good diners around here where I can get some real meat?"

Interesting, Peach thought and scratched something down on her notepad.

"Princess, I must confess-a something to you," Luigi said.

"Mmmhm?"

Luigi took her hand in his. Peach barely noticed.

"So you and Link together for the Doubles Tourney, eh?" Ike snorted. "That's a riot."

"Master Hand forbade me from jeopardizing the match," Ganondorf said, looking disappointed. "He takes away all the fun."

"You have to keep the sponsors happy somehow," Ike said, dousing his hopeless eggs in ketchup.

"Agreed, but how satisfying would it be to turn on my own teammate and Warlock Punch him mid-match?" Ganondorf smiled evilly, fists glowing purple in excitement.

"...and although I was-a never there to rescue you, it wasn't because of my own-a doing..." Luigi continued, Peach mentally a million miles away.

"Who are you against in the first match?" Ike asked.

"Wolf and Olimar," Ganondorf said. "You?"

Ike jerked his thumb over at Peach, "Diddy Kong and I are against her and Pikachu."

They looked over at Peach, who jumped slightly at being acknowledged.

"...all of that is to say-a...I think-a I'm in love with you, Princess," Luigi finished timidly.

"Oh, that sounds great, dear!" Peach said automatically and turned to address the other two.

"So, what do you think about the Snake and Marth team?" she asked, emphasizing the latter name.

Ganondorf shrugged, and Ike looked slightly annoyed.

"I don't think it's the fairest match-up, but I guess I'll worry about it if we get to that point," he said simply.

Peach frowned, miffed that the mere mention of Marth's name didn't cause Ike to go ga-ga over him and confess to their torrid love affair.

Ike suddenly stood up. "I just remembered I had to...do something," he said. "See you all later."

Sensing something important was about to happen, Peach stood up too, spilling the contents of her tray all over an ashen-faced Luigi.

"I have to go...talk to...MewTwo," she said.

"MewTwo hasn't been here for nearly a year," Ganondorf said roughly.

"Right - I mean Mario. I have to talk to Mario," Peach said and looked at Ike. "I'll walk with you."

"No!" Ike snapped. "I mean, no thank you, Princess. I am going to grab an apple from the kitchen first. You go ahead without me."

Dejected, Peach stomped off to the main staircase, leaving a heart-broken Luigi in her wake.

...

Zelda was crouched in a dark area around the corner from Marth's room. What would Father think if he saw his princess like this? she thought as she shook yet another cobweb off her hand. She then closed her eyes and concentrated, focusing her strong psychic powers on the man in the room next door.

"Zelda!" Peach interrupted. "What in the name of Bullet Bill are you doing?"

Zelda motioned for the other princess to join her. "I'm trying to see if I can read Marth's emotions."

"There's a book?" Peach asked, bewildered.

"No, Peach," Zelda said, rubbing her temples. "I'm using psychic powers."

"Oooh." Peach sat down next to her, and Zelda prepared to focus again. After a few moments of silence, Peach piped up again. "How long does it take?"

"A short time of strict silence," Zelda said, patience ebbing.

Minutes passed, and Zelda was absolutely still. Suddenly, she shifted and her eyes flew open.

"What do you see?" Peach pressed.

"He's definitely feeling something strong and mournful, like heartache or longing. His heart is full of love and sadness," Zelda said. "He's worried, too. I can't quite make out what about. He's hard to read. Oh wait! A name's forming...it's..."

"Someone's coming!" Peach jumped up and grabbed Zelda by the arm. Concentration broken, Zelda shook her head and pressed herself up against the wall.

The two princesses watched Ike ascend the stairs, an envelope in his hands.

"Ah-ha! He was lying about the apple!" Peach whispered triumphantly.

He paused outside of Marth's door. He looked around once, twice, and quickly slid the envelope under the door crack. He looked visibly relieved, like a huge weight was lifted upon delivering the sealed note. Then with a flip of his cape, he was gone down the hall.

...

"...and then he just left!"

The three women were back in Samus' room, and Peach had just finished recounting the morning's events to the bounty hunter.

"You said you kept a journal of the things Ike said or did," Samus said. "Can I read them?"

"Sure!" Peach said, proudly brandishing the heart-shaped notepad.

"You have pink faux fur on your journal," Samus said blankly. "Your covert spy journal that isn't supposed to draw any attention."

"And and it's Scratch-N-Sniff,too!" Peach said cheerily, running a nail down the notepad and waving it under the bounty hunter's nose.

Samus rolled her eyes and snatched the journal away. "Strawberry scented spy log...what would the Federation think..." she muttered to herself.

"Okay, let's see what you have here," Samus said and began to read as Zelda peered over her shoulder.

8:07 a.m. - Ike leaves his room. He's wearing that hideous blue and yellow tunic and that tatty red cape. Does he even wash that thing? According to Mushroom Kingdom fashionistas -

"Is any of this relevant?" Samus said.

"Yes! Keep reading!"

-red means love, anger and passion, blue means trust and seriousness, and yellow means joy and happiness. This obviously means Ike seriously loves being angry about how happy and trustworthy he is. Or maybe he is happily and passionately in love but is seriously angry about it.

"Peach, that didn't make any sense," Samus said.

"Nothing needs to make sense under the spell of true love!" Peach said whimsically, pretending to faint for the effect.

Silence.

"I thought blue stood for the love and protection of the great goddess Nay-"

"Let's stop analyzing colors!" Samus snapped, cutting Zelda off.

8:09 a.m. - Ike walks down the stairs. Let it be noted that he skipped over the thirteenth step. M is the thirteenth letter of the alphabet. M = Marth. This explains everything.

Samus gave a frustrated sigh and leafed ahead a few pages.

9:15 a.m. - Ike just finished his morning workout. Ran into Link on the way back to the mansion. Ike pointed out a blemish on Link's blade, and they started talking about "sword polishing." Perverts. Noteworthy comment: Link asked if Ike knew how Marth maintained his sword. Ike knew the answer immediately, offering all sorts of ways Marth keeps his blade oiled and ready for action. Link seemed impressed, and I think that made Ike jealous. He cut the conversation short and marched back to the cafeteria.

"'Blade polishing' innuendos?" Samus said, cocking an eyebrow. "Really? Are we twelve?"

"Why is that so hard to believe?" Peach asked. "It could be a super secret boy-love way of communicating!"

"Sorry," Samus said as she studied the page again. "It's just hard to take this seriously when every 'i' is dotted with a little heart, and the end of every entry is signed with a lipstick-kiss."

9:41 a.m. - Sitting a close but conspicuous distance from Ike and Ganondorf at breakfast. They started talking about unsatisfying food and the need for "real meat." Seems to be a metaphor. The "food" would be the sparse supply of available women in the mansion. This means "real meat" alludes to other men, which are plenti-"

"Okay, enough of this," Samus said, tossing the notepad on a table.

"Was I any help?" Peach asked, eyes twinkling hopefully.

Before Samus could respond, Zelda swiftly interjected.

"Of course," she said, smiling at the princess. "Ike getting territorial about Marth's - er - 'oiled blade' - explains...a lot."

Peach beamed and danced out of the room in euphoria.

"Fine," the hunter said, grabbing her helmet. "I'll do this my way."

....

"Okay, I'll see you on Saturday then!" Pit said cheerily. He waved goodbye and pumped his fist in excitement as he headed towards a portal back to the Smash Grounds. No sooner did his feet hit the ground was he pulled into some nearby bushes.

"What were you doing?" the voice hissed in his ear.

"T-taking a wal-" Pit stuttered.

The grip on Pit's tunic tightened. "Don't. Lie to me. That's the portal to Final Destination."

"F-fine, I was training with Marth," Pit muttered.

"And where is Marth now?"

"He took another portal. H-he said he wanted to take a walk around the pond - or something." With that, Pit was released and crashed to the ground.

Scrambling to get back up, Pit recognized the agonized figure.

"Ike!" Pit said, half-relieved, half-nervous. "You scared me! What's going on?"

"I'm the one that should be asking you that, Pit," Ike snapped back. "What are you doing training with Marth when Snake - not YOU - is his doubles partner?"

"You don't HAVE to just train with your partner," Pit said defensively.

"Then why feel compelled to lie about it?" Ike countered.

Pit shrugged and brushed some dirt off his wings. "I thought you might have been Lucario. I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him as a partner."

Ike stared intently at Pit, as if expecting the smaller boy to break down and tell a different story of what really happened. After a few moments, Ike turned away.

"Fine, I believe you," he said. "I just wonder when you and Marth got so close."

"Ever since things between him and y-"

In an instant, Ike was back in Pit's face, eyes blazing, "Don't dare ruin this for me. Don't dare get in the way. I've been working for this for a long time. You have no idea."

Pit gulped deeply and dashed out of the foilage and up towards the mansion.

Ike sighed and headed towards the pond.

High above the scene, a lone figure lay stationary on a tree branch.

"Bingo," she whispered, hitting the 'stop' button on her helmet's camera and slipping away into the night.

...

A/N: Yeah, Captain Falcon's an intellectual haha. It's because he's my favorite SSB character (I even stuck with him through his SEVERE "nerfing" in Brawl. Sigh. I don't want to talk about it), and I was tired of seeing him made out to be some cocky idiot. So I threw a monkey wrench into his stereotype. Also, I hope you major SSB fans enjoyed the infamous "tiers" shout out ;). Like I said, the next part will be up in the next few days. Let me know what you think!