Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure
Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen all the way through, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.
In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.
All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.
Chapter 9: Celadon City
In which Ash and Gary go to the mall, gamble illegally, and ride down Cycling Road
"I suppose I should thank you," said Gary. "But I'm still in pain. Then again, I can't tell if it's from being kicked or the deadly erection."
At this point the scene froze and Burt Reynolds appeared.
"Hi," he said {Author's note: read in a Burt Reynolds voice for full effect}. "I'm Burt Reynolds. But you already knew that. I'm here to say that erections like the one Gary just experienced are no laughing matter. And while I can't scare you into reporting them the way Christopher Walken was able to scare you into reporting nostril rape a few chapters ago, I can tell you to report them. In fact, the next fifteen people to report super erections like Gary's in the next hour and a half will receive a free pillowcase. Thank you."
The scene unfroze and Ash and Gary had already reached the famous Celadon mall.
"Okay," said Gary. "I'll get the spaghetti sauce and the barbecue sauce."
"I'll get the candy," said Ash.
[That sounds like an interesting combo] said Pikachu. [What are you two planning to make, shit stew?]
"No, we're trying to make a dish for the Rotten Combo Cooking Contest," said Ash. "We want to beat El Fuerte."
"He was only winner by default last year," said Gary. "Remember? It was him, Brock, Sanji, and Swedish Chef. Brock and Sanji started fighting over a girl and Swedish Chef's walnuts refused to break open, even when he used dynamite, so El Fuerte was the winner by default."
"And I think we can win this year," said Ash. "Oy, I'm tired. What say we stop for a minute."
They sat on a bench in the mall. Jessie and James ran up to them and started patting them down.
[That makes me uncomfortable] said Pikachu. [Ash, do you have a rape whistle?]
"A rape what?" asked Ash.
"Found it!" Jessie excitedly squealed as she held the Golden PokeBall high. She then dropped it when Gary grabbed it.
"Don't steal from us," he said.
"Give us back the Golden PokeBall, you twerp!" James whined.
"Get away from me, or I will kick you in the clitoris," Ash growled at him.
"But I don't have a clitoris," said James. Ash then kicked him in the balls and hit him with an uppercut that sent him out of the mall.
"You still want to take this ball?" he challenged Jessie. She simply ran away.
"If ya want anyting done right, ya gotsta do it yaself," Meowth grumbled. It picked up a nearby shotgun and fired, but since the gun was heavier than its operator, Meowth ended up blasting itself out of the mall. "I hate blasting off aloooooooooooooone!"
"You wanna hit the casino?" asked Gary.
"Hell yes!" said Ash.
They went to the casino and started playing the slots, cursing at the machines and their funny ways of trying to keep you from winning the jackpot. Don't tell me you've never spent time in the casinos in the Pokemon games. It's fun, right? I know I did. Man, the GameBoy Color. Those were the ANYWAY, they played for hours while Pikachu and Umbreon talked to other nearby Pokemon about the dangers of having weed smoking trainers for owners. After a while, the casino closed (go figure) and Ash and Gary saw something else that caught their attention.
"Tomahawkman's Restricted Area of Games and Recreation," Gary read. "Sounds awesome."
[I don't know] said Pikachu. [I trust Ms. Ketchum's supermarket tabloids and they said Tomahawkman was involved in some banking scandal with NumbersMan and the Count and lost his casino license as a result]
"You know my mom buys those to roast them on her blog, right," said Ash. "Come on, Gary, let's go on in!"
"EXCELLENT!" they both shouted while doing a quick air guitar solo.
"Welcome, welcome," said Tomahawkman. "I don't have enough money to buy slot machines yet, but I can easily make that money if you guys play some picture matching games. Or Test Your Might, that's a new one."
"Do you have Test Your Sight or Tuper Tario Tros?" asked Gary.
Tomahawkman looked at Gary with a raised eyebrow. "Are you trying to make a fool out of me, sir?"
"Yes, someone got my gender right," said Gary. "And after this morning."
"Oh, yes, you were the guy with that weird mutated erection," said Tomahawkman. "Fortunately as a robot, I never have any problems. I just wish Wily had given me a little robo penis. Like the ones he gave to Plantman and Jewelman."
"Are you suggesting those Robot Masters are gay?" Ash asked.
"They are gay," said Tomahawkman. "Look at their official artwork! Now come on, you two, are you going to play games or not?"
"What will make us the most money?" Gary asked. "In the main casino I managed to gamble away my life's savings, my last royalty check, my pre-ordered copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and my neighbor's XBox."
[How did you gamble away an XBox you don't own?] Umbreon asked.
"I don't know how I did it," said Gary. "I was high the entire time."
"Well, the best way to leave any casino with a small fortune is to enter with a large fortune," said Tomahawkman. "I don't know, try Test Your Might. It's pretty easy."
Ash and Gary went over to the Test Your Might games to see Hsu Hao with two cinderblocks and a bunch of wooden boards.
"You work here, Hsu Hao?" asked Ash.
"I wish I didn't," said Hsu Hao. "But I've been dropped from the MK series permanently because they all hate me and if you've read Future Kombat you know my wife's a cheating bitch. Not at all unlike Chun Li in Street Fighter vs. Tekken: The Fanfic. Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey. Are you going to play?"
"Yeah, I bet...700 I can break four boards with my balls," said Ash. He and Gary shared a hi-five while Pikachu and Umbreon rolled their eyes.
"Your loss," said Hsu Hao. He set up the boards. Ash took off his pants and dropped his balls on the boards, which broke apart. Hsu Hao's eyes widened. "How the fuck did you do that?"
"Do what?" Ash asked as the cloaking device fell out of his ass, revealing the guillotine blade strapped to his organs. "Uh...pay no attention to the giant blade between my legs. Seriously, pay it no mind, it just makes my cock look small."
"Your kock is small," said Hsu Hao. "But that doesn't matter, it's not going to be attached in a minute." He CHARGED UP HIS LAZAH! and FIRED HIS LAZAH! and cut Ash in half. "Fatality, bitch."
"I think I'd like to match up some pictures of mushrooms and fire flowers," said Gary. "It might be kinder on my balls."
"Well, my new boss didn't have the money to buy things that are Mario based," said Hsu Hao as he took out a different table, "But he was able to get some imagery from Megaman 6. All I got from the Mortal Kombat folks was an expired box of Kan-os. They know I'm in the Red Dragon Klan. Well, was."
"Can I have your box of cereal?" Gary asked. He then adopted an Australian accent. "I always wanted to turn my milk blood red."
"Worst imitation of Kano ever," said Hsu Hao. He started sliding the picture when he heard sirens. "Well, my boss has been arrested again. I'm out of here."
"You're going to leave me here to be arrested for illegally gambling?" Gary asked. "And Ash has been cut in half."
"Not my problem," said Hsu Hao. "Besides, this is going to look bad on my resume."
"Your resume?" asked Tomahawkman as he was cuffed on the wall.
"Yes, Tomahawkman, my resume. I'm trying to apply for an opening I saw in SNK before Earthworm Jim gets it."
"I don't think he'll get that job," said Jenny. "Last I heard he got off the LSD and switched to PCP."
Meanwhile, Gary and the Pokemon snuck off with Ash's two halves. Hsu Hao drove away and stayed the rest of the night in a shitty motel room in Racoon City because he was permanently banned from what was left of the world of Midway. Tomahawkman had to call Phoenix Wright from a jail cell. The next morning, Ash and Gary went to the opening of Cycling Road. They got on their bikes and started riding down.
"You know Cycling Road has a magical wall that we're approaching!" Ash shouted.
"What?" Gary asked. "I can't hear you!"
"Say something you want and it'll appear! Oh, here it is!" Ash went over the wall and shouted, "Mary Jane!" and when he left Cycling Road, he had an ugly hooker in his arms who smelled like weed. "Good enough, I guess."
[That's fuckin' nasty] Pikachu simply responded.
Gary approached the magical wall slightly after Ash did because he was riding a little slower.
[Be careful what you wish for] Umbreon said as Gary went over the wall shouting, "WHEEEEEEEEE!" He left Cycling Road soaked in urine.
[Very poor choice of words] was all Umbreon had to say.
They have reached...Fuchsia City!
