I'm surprised I was able to get a chapter out of me. I've been a pissy mood all day and the news yesterday about the show didn't help.

I hope this chapter doesn't come off to sad.

Enjoy!


Chapter Nine

Realizations

Noah sat in the waiting room of his therapist's office and fidgeted with his cane. He never thought he would be in therapy, but here he was at one at 10 o'clock in the morning. If his father knew that he was here, he would never hear the end of it. "Therapy is for weak women and fags!" Quoting his father. If anyone needed therapy it was Winston Mayer. Looking back on how he was raised was it any wonder how Noah managed to get this far without therapy. Luke was a big part of how he was as sane as he was.

He's doing it again.

He leaned his head back against the wall and let out a long breath; hoping to relax a bit.

Could he go one day without thinking about Luke? The sad thing was, he had gone for long periods of time where didn't think about Luke. And he was here then. But now?

He heard a door open and his doctor's voice.

"Noah, I am ready for you now," she said and met him halfway. He was beginning to memorize where everything was in the waiting room, but he was still nervous about walking into things. He already was easy to spot with the cane; he really didn't want to draw more attention to himself by knocking into something.

After he was seated in Dr. Johns' office, he began to fidget with his cane again. He was beginning to trust his doctor more, but he still had a problem with talking about himself. He wanted to so badly to help himself get better, but he felt like he was complaining when he talked about his feeling. Or worse yet, bragging when he was feeling good.

"So, Noah, how are you today?" She asked as she settled into her own chair across from Noah.

"I'm all right. You?"

"I'm very well thank you. How are things at home?"

"Ok, I guess,"

"And with Luke?"

"Oh, he, ah, he left," there, the words were out.

"When was this?" She asked and made a note of it in her notebook.

"Day before yesterday,"

"How are you feeling about that?"

"OK," he responded with a quiet voice. The doctor knew he was avoiding and decided to wait a minute. "All right, I'm not ok," he voiced raised several octaves. Right on cue. She knew that he would elaborate if she just waited.

"Why aren't you ok?"

"Because he just left. He didn't even discuss this moving away thing with me. I thought he was my boyfriend. We use to talk about everything. He told everyone, but me,"

"You told me yourself that you haven't really been talking lately,"

"So this is my fault?" He asked; trying not to get too angry at her.

"No, I'm not saying that. I don't think it's anyone's fault. Did Luke give you any reason for leaving?"

"Yeah, he said that he needed to do this. For himself. He didn't like who he was anymore," he answered, running over their conversation in his head.

"Maybe that's all it was. I don't think this had anything to do with you Noah. I think he needed to fix himself. Kind of like how you need to fix you. Had Luke changed?"

"Yeah, we all have,"

"But I mean Luke. Have you noticed anything different about him lately?" She asked and Noah could hear her writing on her notebook. He had stopped asking what she was writing. As curious as he was, he learned right away she was not going to tell him. As for her question, he didn't know how to answer it. He hadn't noticed anything. The more he thought about her question, the more he remembered. She didn't say anything, she watched him ponder her question.

"Yeah, he stopped making a point to talk to me. He stopped seeking me out. He used to try really hard to spend time alone with me. He stopped trying last week. He made me dinner the night he left and his leg brushed against mine. He apologized; like he was invading my space or something,"

"How did you feel when his leg brushed yours?"

"Honestly, my heart raced a bit. He was always able to get me to do that. Just the tiniest amount of contact with him would send me over," Noah smiled as he finished his sentence. He could not help but smile at the thought of it.

Dr. Johns smiled to herself also as she watched him and made a note of his reaction to her inquiry.

"Was there anything else that sticks out in your mind?"

Well, last week," Noah stopped.

"Last week what Noah," she was gently prodding him to open up.

"I found him crying. He was sitting all alone in a dark room and he was crying," Noah had to swallow hard.

"What was he crying about?"

"I don't know. I never asked him," he admitted and guilt flushed through him.

"Thinking about what you just told me, why do think Luke left?"

"Because he thought I gave up on him," he answered as the realization hit him. "He even said that he didn't think I would ever forgive him,"

"Why would he think that?"

"I never gave him a reason to think I would," he said and leaned back in his chair. "See, you're doing it again. You're making it sound like this is all my fault,"

"That's not what I'm saying. I am trying to get you to see that you have to talk," she said as she leaned forward a bit. She saw confusion wash over the young man's face. "You need to let people in. Tell them what's going on. Let them know how you are feeling. You still love Luke?"

"What? Of course I do. He is everything to me,"

"Does he know that?" Noah was about to say, "of course he knew that"…but did he really?


Luke was unpacking one of only a few boxes he brought from Oakdale. He was only going to be here for a short while; at least he hoped so. And he didn't need to bring his entire life with him. Besides how much could he possibly squeeze into his Vibe anyway. He was in the living room putting away some framed pictures onto the fireplace mantel. There was one of him with his sisters and Ethan taken at the farm. A picture of him and his parents on graduation day; was he really wearing stripes? One of him and Aaron on Aaron's wedding day; they sure looked good in their tuxes. Another one of him with Casey, Maddie, Will and Gwen on his 17th birthday; again with the stripes?

The final frame sat in the bottom of the box before he reached for it; almost as if it would burn him. It was one of him and Noah in Olde Towne. They had just had a meeting with Brian and they were sitting on their bench. He was leaning into Noah and he had his arm around Luke's shoulder. That was day Noah came back Italy. He had been gone for a month and he came back early; because he missed Luke. Luke closed his eyes and remembered how excited he was when Noah came into the kitchen at the farm. He just could not stopping kissing the tall brunette. He laughed slightly at the thought of it.

Luke sat down on his sofa, almost collapsed, and held the picture in his hands. He remembered how Noah smelled and how warm his body felt next to him. He just stared at the picture and remembered all the things that they said to each other.

"See that? That right there? That's why I came back early,"

"Noah, promise me something. Never go away without me. Because even though things are such a mess right now. Just having you here, makes it easier,"

"I promise,"

Noah promised that he would not leave without Luke and the first test of that promise, Luke leaves. Leaves Noah alone.

That thought ran through Luke's head. He didn't even know he was crying until he saw water droplets hit the glass below him. Wiping them off the glass, he walked into his bedroom and put the picture next to his bed. He wanted to see it first thing in the morning and last at night. He sniffled and wiped his eyes dry as he walked back into the living room.

His next thought was of the phone call yesterday. Why did he tell Scott that Noah was his brother? Well, technically his was. But why not tell him the truth. He was not interested in Scott, in the least, so why not tell him that the call was to his boyfriend? The truth was he didn't know if Noah was his boyfriend anymore. God knows Luke still wanted to be with Noah. He wanted that more than anything else in this world. But in the end it didn't matter how badly he wanted it. If Noah did not want to be with him, he would have no choice but to move on. He was getting tired of pushing Noah towards what he wanted.

He wanted Noah to come out, so he did.

He wanted Noah to move in together, so they did.

He wanted Noah to make a film about Coronel Mayer, so he did.

He wanted so much, but he was just tired of being them one who pushed. He just couldn't do it anymore. So, Luke made a decision right then and there.

Whatever Noah decides about us, he would accept. He just hoped that he could accept a broken heart if things didn't go his way.

Luke shook off those thoughts and turned automatic pilot on. He went back to unpacking, for tomorrow was job hunting.


Well? Not the best chapter I know, but I hope to get another one out by tomorrow. Maybe I'll be in a better mood then. Fingers crossed!

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