Chapter 8:
The second I step out on the staircase I hear the door slam shut behind me and the room goes pitch black. I literally can't see a thing. Immediately I feel myself starting to panic, breath quickening, heart hammering, but I manage to ignore it and continue down the stairs.
The dark. Where you never know who will come. Where anything can happen. Anyone can hide. Anyone can come. Anyone can see you. Anyone can hear you. Even if they're not visible to you. Every creak of the old steps I walk on makes me flinch and every beat of my own heart startles me. My breaths are shallow and quick as I finally reach the floor of the basement.
Concrete. Of course. What else would it be made of? All of the memories starts to flood back to me. The Demon. The pain. The hunger. The cold. The infinite darkness. The quiet. The fear of any movement. The fear of everyone. The fear of God. The fear of yourself. The fear. Oh the fear of everything.
I feel myself lose my footing and suddenly I'm on all fours on the floor. No. I need to get up. Up to the surface. But how can I? My legs are too weak to walk. My throat too tired so scream. I feel sick. Like I'm going to throw up. I can feel it bubbling up in the back of my throat, but nothing comes out. My arms are shaking trying to hold myself up and I give in, lying down on my stomach.
How many times have I been lying like that before? In too much pain to turn over. Too tired to feel any feelings. Tears and snot streaming down my face as no one is there to offer any comfort. How many times? How many times have I thrown up and wished that I could just drown in it. I have tried even. Didn't go too well. How many times have I been lying here feeling the blood drying over my body, but not being able to see it?
The tears are starting to form in my eyes here in the present as well. Though it is starting to get harder and harder to distinguish it from the past. So many pictures flashing before my eyes. Mostly pictures of the Demon. He who would bring a light sometimes. Ironic as it is.
The purple eyes. The little smirk. The large, tall body. The long coat. Blood stained scarf. Large hands touching me. I would get shocked every time a managed to catch a glimpse of my body. It looked so different each time. New wounds. Old wounds turning to scabs. Old scabs turning to scars. Always new bruises. I got bonier and bonier over time as well. My hair grew. It was so long. Down my shoulders. Even in the dark I could feel it falling down in my eyes.
The present. Cold harsh concrete against my face. Probably scraping it. Like I give a fuck. Worse have happened.
Like the time when he used that hammer. Yes. He bound my wrists to the wall, grabbed my leg and bent it so that it was straight. Then, with his other hand, he grabbed the hammer and slammed it down over and over. It was the worst pain. So purely physical unlike most of the things that he did. Just raw pain and deafening screams. After he was done he directed the flashlight that he had brought with him that time at the bloodied mass. You could see the bone. The flesh. So much blood. It's one of the worst scars now. The main reason to why I can't wear shorts at summer.
The floor underneath my face is turning wet. Stop it. Stop it. Stop all of these damn memories. They're over. Over. But still here. Here in this dark nothing can stop them. They are eternal. A constant that will never disappear.
Never. Never. Never. Stop it. Please bring me the light. My breaths speed up even more. Turning more and more panicked. My heart pounds in my ears in an irregular rhythm. I can't think, can't breathe. I'm suffocating. Gagging. Clawing at my throat. Pressing my nails into my palms. Anything to take this away. Please get away…
"Lovino? Where are… Holy fuck are you okay?" A voice. A voice is penetrating the darkness. Who is it? There's no one here, right? We are all alone in the darkness. "Antonio! Toni get your ass down here now!" Why is it here? It sounds weird. It doesn't have the same voice that usually interrupts my darkness. The voice that brings me light. Light and pain. But why is here something new? It never is. Not in this place.
"Gilbert? What is it?" Another voice? I can hear steps running down the stairs. Why are here two males? None of which should be here. The voices continue to discuss something, but I'm too tired to listen. That is before I feel someone or something touch my arm. It's warm. A someone.
"Lovino? Lovino can you hear me?" Both the touch and the voice are incredibly soft. Maybe I should see who it is. My eyes feel like they've been glued together. I can't remember how to open them. Come on. I need to see who has invaded my hell. After a couple more tries I succeed and manage to open them up just a millimeter. The view can't be described as anything spectacular. Just the grey floor and a pair of brown boots. But that's not what's important. It's the fact that I can see them. Light. It's light here. Lighter than the light of a lantern or a flashlight. A lamp. This is not the same place that I'm usually in. Suddenly, in the matter of a second it all flashes by.
I'm not there anymore. Haven't been for a while. My first thought is incredible relief. But it doesn't last for long. Because suddenly I know to whom both of the voices belong. Whose feet the boots I can see are sitting on. Fuck. He wasn't supposed to see this. Damn. Not Antonio. He wasn't supposed to see what a freak I am. Not the albino either. But I can't speak. My head is spinning too much, my throat is too dry.
"Lovino? Please, dios, are you awake?" Antonio is speaking again. "Gil, should we call an ambulance?"
No. No. No. No. No. "W-wait." Please tell me that that was audible.
"Lovi? Are you speaking? Can you speak louder?" Okay. Calm down now. Appear normal for once. You can fucking make it. But I'm still too dizzy. Foggy. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"I don't need an ambulance." My voice is hoarse and no more than a whisper. But with the way Antonio's hand is relaxing on my arm I think that he heard it. Why is he still touching me?
"But… Are you sure? What happened? I didn't know that you were this scared. I'm so sorry. You looked so scary when I came down here. You looked dead. Mierda, I shouldn't have said that should I? I'm sorry. I just…"
"Antonio, shut up. I don't think that you're making it any better." That was Gilbert again. "Well Lovino, you should at least rest. And that in some other place than this basement. You can be in the guestroom or something and then call your… was it grandpa you were living with?" How the fuck does he know that? On the other hand Antonio could always have told him. If they were for some reason talking about me… This isn't important. Okay. Rest somewhere? That works. Yes. I could really use that rest. My eyelids suddenly feel very heavy again and I need to fight to keep them open.
"Is that okay Lovino?" Antonio asks voice as soft as ever as he looks down with a frown.
"Sure."
At that response Antonio immediately scoops me up in his arms, fucking bridal style and stands up.
"Wha-a…?" Is the only gifted response that I manage to stutter. What is he doing? I'm not a girl. I might not have been able to stand right now, but that does not give Antonio the right to do this! I'm not quite sure how he gets me up the stairs since I drift in and out of consciousness, but he apparently made it somehow because now I can tell that we're at ground level. After that I don't really notice anything. Except how warm Antonio is. After the coldness of the basement I've got to admit that it's pretty nice to feel the heat that's radiating from his body. His arms and torso are warm and he smells nice. He does. I catch myself leaning further into his chest and breathing in the scent. From here I can hear his heartbeat as well; a steady beating that somehow calms me down.
When I open my eyes I'm lying on top of a bed in a room which I don't recognize. I look around me, while I sit up at the edge of the bed. Everything I see is either blue or white, white walls, a blue carpet, white nightstand with a blue vase… Until my eyes meet the ones of the Bastard leaning against the wall in front of me, his pirate-hat in his hand. Fuck. He saw me like that in the basement. Oh god no. How the fuck can I explain that? I was supposed to glide by unnoticed in this fucking school. Not talking to anyone. But now, soon, everyone will think that I'm some type of freak that can't be in a basement for thirty fucking minutes by himself. What am I supposed to say? Shit, shit, shit. And then there's the whole thing when he was carrying me as well. I didn't think those things. That was someone else. I was half asleep and freezing and… scared… and he was there and warm and… It doesn't mean anything. How could it for Christ's sake? He's a fucking dude. What on earth am I babbling about?
"Lovino? How are you feeling?" The Bastard sounds insecure and looks worriedly at me. Don't have that damn expression on your freaking face, bastard. I don't like it.
"I'm fine." I really am. Now I'm in a light room, over ground, with a window. It feels alright. Except for the fact that I have no way what so ever to explain this. What am I supposed to say? 'Eh yeah I had a panic attack. Nothing to worry about. Reasons? Who needs reasons. I'm fine now though. Yes really. Fucking marvelous.' Shit. It's not that I care what this bastard think specifically. I just don't want to have the whole school gossiping about me.
"You do look a lot better now." What the hell did you expect? "But, seriously though Lovino. What happened down there? It looked really scary."
"It…" What should I say? "It's none of your fucking business, bastard!" I yell finally and look away.
"Why not?" Are you seriously fucking retarded? I don't have to tell you anything at all.
"I'm not your friend, you're not mine. We're not each other's any fucking thing at all."
"Wh-what? What do you mean not friends?"
"What the hell do you think I mean!" My voice is probably too loud now. Not that I care. This needs to be said and that clear enough to penetrate that bastard's thick head. He needs to know that I know why he's hanging out with me so he can stop it. "You only talk to me because of this fucking schoolwork so that the teacher will like you. Your friends only like to make fun of me so that's why you have asked me to sit with you at lunch. Simple as that." Why does it feel like my eyes are tearing up? They're not. I'm a fucking man, and men don't cry.
"Lovino, what?" Antonio looks at me with what appears to be honest confusion. He walks over to the bed where I'm sitting and flops down next to me. The hell, bastard? "Why do you think that? It's not true at all. I can of course only talk about myself, but I know that I see you as my friend. Why would I hang out with you otherwise? I don't care about if it makes the teacher happier. I just like hanging out with you. I thought that it was obvious that we were friends."
What…
"But… why?" He can't be fucking serious. I'm a mess. A rude, odd, scar-covered, marked mess.
"Why not? I'd like to be friends with the whole world if that would've been possible." Ah. So I'm actually not special at all. I'm just a person that happened to be assigned to do that stupid schoolwork with you, and therefore you must be friends with me. I could've been Stalin or Ivan the Terrible or something, because you want to fucking befriend everyone. That makes sense. Fucking bastard. That wasn't complementing at all. "Besides, you're really interesting, Lovino. And despite your extreme cursing you can be quite fun, so I think you're a good person to be friends with."
Interesting? How am I fucking interesting? The only person who ever found me interesting was the Demon, and that wasn't exactly my best experience. In case that wasn't obvious from what just happened in the basement. Yeah. He found me interesting. Liked to see how much my body could take, in every meaning of it.
"I do really hope that you will see me as your friend as well someday, but that's your choice I guess." Antonio continues still sitting next to me on the bed. While I sit cross-legged in the middle of the bed, he's leaning against the wall, which leads me to having to crane my neck backwards to look at him.
I decide to just continue staying quiet. This whole situation is just very weird and in a way creepy to me. New at the very least. No one has ever called themselves my friend before. Ever. Everyone was just Feliciano's friends. Gushing around him while I was standing in a corner, whether it was kindergarten, pre-school, middle-school. But I have some kind of lock inside of me that keeps me from getting angry at him. Because how can one get angry at pure innocence? It's just straight up impossible. Why did he have to die? How did I even start thinking about his death now? Why wasn't it me? He was so little, so little. So pure.
"Queri-, ehm, Lovino?" The Bastard leans towards me and lifts his hand to my cheek and strokes with his thumb under my eye. Wha-a-? That's when I realize. I'm crying. Again. God damn it. I don't want to.
"Stop it, bastard." Please. For some unknown reason him wiping away the tears only makes it worse, my crying I mean. Like, how it makes me think about all of the times when no one is wiping them away. All the times when I was little, when my parents eventually gave up on trying to get me to stop crying, since I was so persistent claiming that I was really not. Like after Feli's death how no one was there, because they were too wrapped up in their own fucking sorrow to care for me. Like how I was crying on the cold floor in the Demon's house. Like all of the lonely crying I've been doing in my room lately. Damn, now I'm starting to sound like an over-emotional moron. Get it together, Lovino.
"Why are you crying? Is it because of what happened before?" Thankfully, Antonio does take his hands away from my face, but he's still staring at me with concern.
"No." At least that's not really a lie.
"Why is it then? You can talk to me, you know you can. That's what friends do. Something has happened has it?"
Maybe. Maybe I should actually tell him. Something I mean. Not everything. No. I definitely do not trust him that much, just yet. But… some of the less bad things. It'd be so easy.
No. No I can't. He will be disgusted. Go away. Never talk to me again. Tell everyone. So that they could all judge me. Why is the earth such a place? Such a judging fucking place? I can't let Antonio know that, it would… it would… I don't even know. I just don't want any staring. And if someone knew then everyone would start staring. Thinking. Maybe acting. Although, the staring would probably be the worst. I see it all the time with Grandpa already. I…
"Has it something to do with your brother? You, you said that he was dead?" Feli.
"Fucking bastard. Yes, part of it has to do with him."
"Do you feel like explaining? You don't have to I mean, but, if you want to I can listen."
Deep breaths, Lovino.
Fuck.
Go for it.
"Well, I might as well take it from the fucking beginning. My brother's name was Feliciano, but everyone called him Feli, we were twins. He… he was like fucking innocence personified. So damn happy and loved by everyone. Probably didn't know a single curseword, even with my… slight overuse of them." Why am I talking? But I can't stop. "He died when we were twelve. It, it was a car-crash. Another car slammed straight into ours just where Feli sat." I know that I'm crying again, but now I can't seem to stop. I can't say this. "I-I was sitting on the other side, watching him bleed to death. Just sitting there. Without doing a damn thing… That's about it." I turn quiet. I have ruined everything now. Haven't I?
"Lovino. That, that's horrible. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. Really truly sorry for you." Antonio looks like he's about to cry as well, just looking at me with large green eyes.
"It doesn't matter anymore." I look away. Stare at the wall instead. The wall is much more understandable.
"Your brother… Feli, he seems like a great person at least."
And it all just spills out.
"He was. He was so fucking fantastic that it's ridiculous. Everyone loved him, heck, even the crazy cat-lady living next to us loved him and she hated everyone. Feli just had that effect on people. Everyone was always gathering around him, listening to him babbling about pasta and whatever cute animal he had found this time. And he didn't even realize it. He was just so fucking stupid, just talking and laughing and not knowing anything at all. God, how retarded he was, I don't think he even knew what fucking sex was, or that there were such things as problems. Because he sure as hell didn't have any. My parents were so proud of him. Showing him off." There really is no going back now is there? "Simultaneously shoving me back so that no one could see the disgrace. But I can't hate him you know? He's my fucking little brother, by thirteen minutes, sure, but still my little brother. And I can't think badly of him."
Antonio still looks very concerned. "Shoving you in the back? But, why?"
"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? If you had two freaking kids, and one of them was an angel and one a devil, who would you show off? I started cursing at three years old, never thanked for anything, was generally rude, head-butted everyone, screamed… Should I continue the list of what my parents always were complaining about? I was just never good enough." I should really shut up now. It's not like this Bastard will think anything different. You just pointed out all off your weaknesses to him, great work Lovino. Even if he was too fucking thick to see them before, he'll definitely do it now. Fuck.
"Well, it's not right off your parents to do that anyways. They should have tried to help you, right?"
"Tch, I guess they did try. But they gave up eventually." And so will you, you darn moron.
"Hm." Antonio then suddenly reaches forwards and puts his arms around me, squishing me against his chest.
"Whaa-a-h", is all I manage to stutter out, while trying to get away- without much success. What is he doing? Why is he hugging me now suddenly? "What are you doing?"
"I'm hugging you, silly." Antonio has his trademark grin back on his face and just pulls me closer to him. How can you change your mood that quickly, is he bipolar or something?
"W-well yes of course you damn idiot. But why?"
"Well, you looked sad so I thought you needed one." Seriously? Is he fucking five? He still sounds like he's in fucking kindergarten. Where a hug heals everything. Damn bastard.
"I don't, so let the fuck go!"
"Nu-uh, not until you are feeling better!"
"Well I fucking am so you can let go of me now!"
"You really sure?" Oh come on.
"YES!" He finally releases me and I scuffle away so that there's some kind of distance between us.
"Well, if you're sure, let's go down again."
"Fine." It's not like I have any freaking choice. Antonio then jumps off the bed, puts on his hat and when I've also stood up we go out of the room. I take the chance to glance at a mirror next to the door. Good, you can't see any traces of my crying.
"Ohnhonhon, what have you two been doing by yourselves?" Oh God no. Francis is in front of us almost the second Antonio and I step out from the bedroom.
"Wha-what?" He seriously can't be implying that. Like… ew.
Anonio looks completely unphased. "We were talking of course."
"Oh? Are you really sure that that was all you were doing?" Francis has a very creepy smirk on his lips.
"Yes, what else would we be doing?" Confusion very clear on his face Antonio looks at Francis. Is he seriously not getting it, or just pretending? … I actually don't even fucking want to know.
"Well you know you could be…"
"We should continue on!" I interrupt and start striding down the hallway.
"Hey, wait for me!" Antonio yells, before simply running a few steps to catch up with me.
Seriously? How the fuck did he succeed with that? Tripping over his own damn boots and crash-landing down on the floor. Really? His stupidass hat almost falling down in his face. He looks so motherfucking retarded. And comical. I have to press my lips together to prevent a smile. I do not smile. How much has that bastard been drinking?
"Wait. Lovino you are smiling!" Antonio is grinning up at me from his ridiculous position on the floor.
"Wh-what? No I'm not!"
"Yeah you are, told ya I could do it."
"B-but I'm definitely not smiling, never.
"Just give up already. Oh and you owe me five dollars."
Shit.
AN: This chapter turned out very long… Oh well, school will be starting again and this semester will be absolute hell since my grades now will be very important and we'll have a shit-ton of tests. But hopefully there will still be time for me to post a new chapter every once in a while. There should be.
