Title: Altered States
Chapter 9 - Back to Reality?
As soon as he felt the added warmth on his frame from Stella's body, his trembling eased and Mac's mind seemed to drift into a plane that was temporarily free from the horrible images that Maurice Wicks haunting words wanted to offer. But that freedom was very often short lived. He would see himself helpless, tied up, gagged and then assaulted; Stella walking away in disapointment as Wicks laughed in the background. But as soon as her arms would tighten around him, his trembling eases once more and Wicks image quickly fades.
Mac slowly opens his eyes about half hour later, Stella's body still pressed up against his and his anxiety starting to awaken once more. He feels her lap pressing into his backside and immediately his throat tightens as he remembers Wicks cutting his prison uniform open and then his hands fondling his ass.
"Stop..." his soft words quickly pull Stella from her sleep.
"It's okay Mac," she tries to soothe as his body tenses in her grasp. "You are at home and safe."
"I hate this..."
"Mac."
"You're treating me like a child!" He lightly hisses as he tries to pull free of her grasp.
"I'm concerned."
"I don't care!"
"I do!" She snaps in return, forcing him to slightly twist his head around and face her with a puzzled expression. "Go ahead and yell Mac because you obviously want to get something off your chest."
"I HATE THIS!"
"I DO TOO!" She counters as she carefully moves herself so that he's able to lie on his back, looking up at her. "That felt good."
"Why?" He queries with a frown.
"Because sometimes you just need to let it out."
"No. Why are you still here?"
"What?" Stella asks in shock, her lips offering a nervous chuckle but her mind and heart knowing it wasn't accompanied by laughter. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"Here with me."
"I will not answer that."
"Stella..."
"Mac, I love you."
"But I wasn't able..."
"Wasn't able to what?"
"Nothing."
"Don't do that Mac, talk to me. What weren't you able to do?"
"Stop it from happening."
"Stop what?"
"Stella..."
"Mac."
"Any of it."
"Such as?"
"That's it."
"But..."
"Please, I just want to forget it all."
"Do you want to have a warm shower? Your body is kinda clammy from the sweats," she notes as her fingers rest on his damp neck, her words not allowing him a reprieve to dwell in his mis-guided misery. "And then do you want to eat?"
"No."
"Mac if I have to drag you out of this bed I am willing to try. You need to calm your nerves and you need to eat and that is an order."
Mac looks up at her with a worried frown. "Why can't I ever win with you?"
"Because you know in your heart and in your thick head that if the situation was reversed you'd do the same for me. You'd never let me wallow."
"I am not wallowing."
"Mac you'd never let me just waste away then...whatever word you want to use. Want to tell me anything more that happened?" She asks softly.
"You saw all that happened," Mac offers in half truth; hoping she'll not try to pry further and just believe that Wicks wasn't able to touch him in any way; that Wicks wasn't able to succeed in getting inside his head or making him feel vulnerable and dirty.
"Okay fine," Stella nods her head as her fingers rest on his chest. "Need some help?"
"I am not weak!" Mac snaps in haste.
"Are you going to shut me down and yell at me every time I want to offer you a gesture of love?"
"I don't need help, I am not weak."
"Mac, no one would ever think you're weak," she insists.
"I was."
"You're not any longer."
Mac feels a small lump form in his throat, wanting more than anything to argue and tell her that he was weak, that he wasn't able to fight back, that he allowed himself to be fooled by his own pride and arrogance; two qualities that nearly cost him his very life. His dignity already tarnished.
"I'll have a shower," Mac finally gives in; feeling his body starting to suffer from the heat loss as she gradually pulls away.
"I'll start up a fire and then start an early dinner. And then you can just rest okay. I would suggest for you to stay home tomorrow but I doubt you'll listen."
"I'm sick of staying home Stella."
"You look tired Mac."
"I...I am tired but I can't just stay home."
"You have been home one day Mac, the rest of the time..."
"I know where I was!" Mac once again allows his temper to flare; his expression turning remorseful when she pulls back. His eyes finally leave hers and then slowly trail her perfect skin to the slight mark his earlier actions had produced. His fingers finally rest on her cheek just below the slightly red mark, his eyes closing for a few seconds. "Will be better for both of us."
"What will be better for me is if you stay and rest one more day," she tells him as she leans in closer and plants a tender kiss on his forehead. "I'll see you in the living room when you are done."
Mac watches her leave and then uses up whatever bit of strength his rest garnered to slam his fist into a nearby pillow. She can't understand how I feel, she just can't know. He hopes and prays that she'll take him at his word and not try to see what was on the rest of the tapes. What if she sees when I was first attacked? How um...his voice trails off in his mind as his body feels Wicks hands on it again. With another whispered curse Mac slowly pushes himself upright and then rests on the edge of the bed until the room stops spinning; his hands supporting his head.
"I am hungry," he finally acknowledges to the stillness around him. He once again hears Stella humming to herself in the other room and feels his face wince at his own stupidity. If I keep pushing her away will she leave for good? Why would she want a man that is broken? What would she think if she knew the truth? She can't know...she can never know.
Mac gets some fresh clothes to wear and then slowly wanders into the bathroom, closing the door and looking at his rough appearance in the mirror.
"I need a shave," he notes with a heavy sigh as he reaches for his razor. With the cuts and bruises his regular morning routine takes a bit longer than normal but he doesn't care; he just needs to look like the man he was before he offered his life and soul to the devil itself.
"What have I done?" Mac whispers in horror as he's finished with the razor and then slowly lifts his sweater over his head. He gazes at the ugly marks around his bandaged ribs and turns away in sorrow. With his back to the mirror he slowly starts to finish undressing, his mind trying to push aside the image of Maurice Wicks watching him enter the shower room. But just as he reaches his black underwear he stops.
'I like black...'
Mac turns around only to see Wicks image appear in the bathroom mirror, causing him to offer a small gasp and then stumble backward.
"Oh god no," he states in a mild panic as his back slams into the door and his lips over another painful heave of air.
"Mac!" Stella asks in concern from the other side.
"I'm okay," he lies. "Just tripped."
"Want me to shower with you?"
"I am not a damn baby Stella!" Mac snaps.
"I meant in a fun way," she finishes with a heavy sigh.
"Oh."
"I'll see you when you are finished."
Mac hears the hurt in her voice and curses himself once more. I can't live like this. Maybe I should go to a hotel until this is over. But until what is over? It is over, his brain reminds him. Wicks is in jail and Ron Knight will get his early release. I have to live like this for the rest of my life.
"I can't live like this," Mac utters once more before he turns on the hot water and finally finishes shedding all his clothing. But as soon as he pulls the shower door open, his eyes are now examining his own home for anything intrusive that doesn't belong.
Mac's lips finally offer a heavy sigh as he stands underneath the hot streams and true to Stella's words, despite the stinging as the liquid dances with the cuts, his trembling starts to ease. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have to show everyone that I am okay and...and that he'll never beat me.
Mac finally finishes his shower and just as he reaches for a towel to cover himself, Stella pushes the door open and gazes at her naked husband with a sad smile.
"I'll be out in a few minutes," Mac states in haste as he tries to cover himself up.
"I have seen you naked before Mac."
"Stella..."
"I um," she starts as her eyes look at the ugly bruises on his smooth chest. "I have some cream for those."
"I don't need it," Mac grumbles as he finally succeeds in wrapping the towel around his waist.
"It will help them heal faster."
"I am fine."
Stella leans in a bit closer, her fingers resting on his bare shoulder, her brain delighting in the feel of his warm flesh connecting with hers. "You are more than fine Mac."
"Stella," he tries to protest. "I'm uh..." he tries.
Remeber Stella, Dr. Adam's voice comes back to her mind. Don't treat him differently. When you see him naked for the first time, he might shy away but don't let him and just go with your feelings. If you pull back, he'll feel it, think it's him and it will be harder for him to get back to the way he was before this all happened.
"I missed you Mac," she whispers as she leans in closer, his warm, freshly cleaned body tempting hers instantly. But before she can plant a kiss on his lips he pulls back and looks at her with a frown. "Mmm not fair to tempt me like this Mac."
"Stella I um..."
"No one here but us Mac."
"I should dress."
"Are you sure?" She inquires with a warm smile.
"I...I am," Mac sighs.
"Okay then," she stammers as she stands back and looks at him in mild surprise; unsure of what to say next and not wanting to provoke a fight of any kind. She quickly takes her leave and then heads into the kitchen, nervously pacing and hating the helpless feeling she's being forced into that is allowing more tension to build. Of course he looks like hell but she wasn't going to force sex upon him; but seeing him naked she was unable, especially after he had been away to just control her desire for him completely; she wants him, her body needs him. She watches Mac finally enter the kitchen and look at her with a pensive gaze.
"Dinner is ready," she gestures to the table that is already set. She watches as he slowly eases himself down onto the chair, his eyes immediately turning toward the TV before he looks back down at his meal.
"So what was the food like in there?"
"Wasn't that hungry most of the time."
"What did you have for supper?"
"It was um...I don't remember," Mac frowns as he looks back down at his meal and then at the TV.
Stella quickly flips the TV off and rests her fingers on Mac. "Talk to me Mac."
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
"Anything? I can understand your um..."
"My what? My what Stella? Huh? What about what you say?" Mac snaps in anger, forcing her fingers to retract and her posture to stiffen. "Want to say I told you so?"
"What? No."
"Why not? I brought it upon myself right!" Mac continues to growl. "I volunteered to go in there!"
"You thought you were helping."
"I was the one who said there wouldn't be anything to worry about!"
"Mac you are alive and..."
"I was the one who thought I could save the whole damn world when I couldn't even save MYSELF!" He finishes with a flushed face. "Is that WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?"
"Fine I told you so! There do you feel better?"
"No, because it's a lie."
"You're damn right it's a lie! I don't blame you and I never will!" She states firmly, not backing down. "None of this is your fault!"
"Stella."
"No Mac, you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself for God knows what reason? Only he must know because I DON'T!" She growls angrily in return. "I am only trying to help and..." her voice breaks as it trails off.
"Stella," Mac tries again.
"No Mac, I can't live like this. I only want to help. I haven't seen you in a week and then you come home...distant."
"I am changed! Can't you see that?"
"You said nothing happened! Did you lie?"
"No," Mac starts and then quickly stops. "There wasn't time."
"I just wanted to make small talk Mac about whatever else you did there."
"I did nothing else."
"Want to tell me about Ron Knight?"
"He helped me."
"Right," Stella just shakes her head as she flips the TV back on.
"Stella...you don't understand."
"No Mac, its fine. You want to lock me out I guess you'll have to decide when to let me back in. You're in control right?"
"Right," he resigns as he leans back in his chair, looking at her in remorse. TELL HER! His brain screams along with his heart. I can't, he tries to argue back. I can't tell her everything Wicks didI just can't. She'll expect you to be back to normal then. I'll never be normal again. Never?
The rest of their supper was spent in tormented silence with each only offering small snippets to the other; Mac hardly eating his food. After he sets his fork down for the last time, Stella notices that not much is eaten but knows to press would probably garner another sharp outburst and so refrains; instead only offering a kind smile in return.
"I know you are mad."
"Mad?" Stella arches a brow. "Not mad, just saddened. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around my husband, partner and best friend of over ten years."
"Want me to stay at a hotel?"
"Maybe I should instead."
"Why Stella?"
"Mac I am not having this conversation with you. Neither of us have to leave; I mean shesh you just got back home. You seem so distant."
"Sorry."
"Don't be sorry just help me understand what is going on with you."
"I just need this all to be over; I'm fine," he insists through a thin veneer of lies.
"You don't look fine and you hardly ate anything."
"I'm just not...I'll be fine tomorrow."
"Okay I'll clean up then."
Mac offers her a nod, coupled with a heavy sigh before he pushes himself away from the table and slowly wanders back down the hall toward the bedroom. Stella waits until the door is closed before she calls Dr. Adams for some much needed help.
"Oh Ben I'm so worried about him. He yells, he's angry, withdrawn. He won't eat, he's hardly slept and he keeps telling me he's fine. I know those are all classic symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I only want to help and every time I try he yells at me not to treat him like a weakling or that I wouldn't understand and that he should go to a hotel; which is absurd."
"Normally I wouldn't say this, but maybe for Mac, getting back to work is the only thing that will help him to get back to himself faster than by just staying home and resting. For each person it's different and this situation is different from the time he lost Claire."
"Mac's never been that guy. And unless ordered he never takes a day off; even just to relax. I mean it's gotten better in the past two years since we've been married but even still when I am working and he isn't he still comes into the lab to just...well to just be there."
"There is where Mac feels in control. Did he sleep much today?"
"Not much and hardly ate anything. He looks pale and weak and I'm worried about him tomorrow."
"What will happen is he will go in to work tomorrow, think he can just get back to his regular routine, realize he can't, get tired really fast and then either tell you or just come home and eat or sleep; which is normal in this case."
"He said he wasn't um...well fully sexually assaulted and...I really want to believe him Ben but...do you think he's lying? I have tried to be...well as normal as I can in an intimate setting but he pulls back like he's afraid to be intimate again."
"Mac isn't lying. I have dealt with many cases of men who have been sexually assaulted and especially if it was forcibly he would have acted differently. He wouldn't have wanted to sit up that's for sure or even let me examine him in certain...well areas as much as he did. I think he experienced something pretty frightening but...what did he tell you?"
"Not much. I mean from what I saw he was tied up and being beaten."
"And his prison uniform was cut all the way open in the back. Stella, if someone hadn't shown up when they did, he would have experienced a full sexual assault. That is probably what is his biggest nightmare."
"But he was rescued in time."
"For a man that has worked in a control position all his life, to suddenly have that taken away by whatever means will play on his subconscious a lot. We don't know what words were spoken but sometimes words can have a far scarier affect on the mind than a mere physical beating. Mac, I'm guessing sustained both."
"How can I help him?"
"The physical trauma will heal in no time and on the outside Mac will appear to be the same guy he was before this happened. You just need to watch for his psychological changes. Severe mood swings, panic attacks, avoidance behavior to stuff he wouldn't normally avoid; depression; suicidal notions; increased or prolonged anger or irritability; unable to do normal daily tasks; crying; violence. Gosh Stella the list could go on. I mean each major characteristic I just gave has its own sub-categories and even then those vary from person to person. The most important thing to watch is, is Mac getting back to himself or is he refusing. You'll be able to tell as the days pass."
"How long? I know it's different and I doubt you can answer but...it's just so hard to see him like this and be around him when I want to help and he won't let me."
"He wants help Stella, he just can't ask for it. For a man it's usually pride and embarrassment. He's probably been told all his life that to show any kind of weakness is something unacceptable. Whether it's by his father, the marine core or even society in general."
"And if he won't change? Or worse does something to himself, me or the team that...Ben what if he needs real help?"
"You mean like a physiatrist? There is one fellow that I would recommend for Mac's case. He's had primary experience in helping men dealing with PTSD when it comes to sexual assault, assault and other bodily inflictions. And he's dealt with ex-army types. But we'll use that as a last resort."
"How will I know?"
"When Mac does something so out of character for him, you'll know. And at that time you come to me and I will back you."
"Won't he feel like we're ganging up on him?"
"Would rather have him alive and thinking that than something else. Wouldn't you?"
"You know the answer to that."
"Did you get a chance to read any of that stuff I left for you and him?"
"I did but I doubt Mac did."
"He will. Probably won't admit it. Mac is one stubborn bastard," Dr. Adams lightly chuckles. "But he'll come around. He's faced a severe stressor when Claire died and although this is different he'll pull through and be stronger for it. Let me know if there is anything else I can do."
Stella thanks Dr. Adams, hangs up and then goes about her task of cleaning the table; her mind and heart anxious as to Mac's absence and what he is doing. She finishes up and then goes in search of her elusive husband, very carefully pushing the door open and seeing him passed out on the bed, his fists curled tightly around her pillow; but his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. Knowing she doesn't have the heart to wake him, she quietly retrieves something to sleep in and then heads back into the living room.
Despite the fact that she wants Mac just to stay home tomorrow and do nothing but rest, she ponders Dr. Adams advice and finds herself believing it to be right. Mac will just do what he can and then leave when he feels he must. He won't be himself for a few days but if he keeps his mind occupied with work then maybe it will help him heal faster.
She arranges the couch and then settles down under the heavy blanket, wanting more than anything to feel Mac's strong arms holding her close, his lips telling her how much he missed and loves her and that he's going to be okay. She had told herself that Mac was going to walk out of that jail with a triumphant smile on his handsome face, take her into his arms and then make love to her that night with such passion to make up for the week prior.
But he didn't; instead he was carried out on a stretcher a different man than went in, a different man than she knew.
"Mac," she whispers in anguish as she hears his angry cries in the other room followed by silence. Try as she might to close her eyes and pray for sleep to overtake her, she knows that solid sleep is the last thing either of them will find tonight or the nights to come. But just as she's about to close her eyes once more, she hears the door open and suddenly her heart quickens pace.
With his mind in agony and turmoil; Mac pulls himself from another fitful bout of horrific nightmares; once again Wicks succeeding but this time him taking his own life to deal with the shame. He offers a soft curse, telling himself that he just needs to get back to work and all will be okay; he'll be back in charge and the helpless feeling will leave.
"I need a drink," he mumbles to himself, once again falsely reasoning that he'll be able to drown out the images with something hard and strong. He slowly wanders into the hallway, his eyes darting nervously around to see where Stella was. He finally notices her asleep on the couch and feels his shoulders sag instantly.
All she wanted to do was help and I threw it back in her face, his brain laments in sorrow. As soon as I'm back at work everything will be better. I'll just forget all this and everything will be better.
Mac reaches the kitchen and then heads for their small liquor cabinet and grabs the bottle of whiskey. But just as he turns around to get a small glass, his lips utter a gasp of shock as he looks at Stella in surprise.
"Please don't do this Mac. This isn't you," she tries to reason as her hand reaches for the bottle.
"I just need to calm my nerves Stella."
"Then let me make you some tea."
"I don't drink tea and haven't had...what is wrong with one drink?"
"You hardly ate supper and now you want to put that poison into your system? It'll just make you sicker," Stella pleads as her fingers latch onto the bottle and start to engage in a small tug of war with her husband.
"I just need something."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No. Why the hell is that always the answer with you?"
"Because it's a hell of a lot better than your idea which is to kill yourself. Is that what you want?"
"Maybe!"
Stella lets go of the bottle, offers an ethnic curse and turns her back to Mac, folding her arms over her chest. "Fine Mac!"
"Damn it, I hate this!" Mac curses as he firmly places the bottle down on the counter and gingerly touches her shoulder, forcing her to turn back with an anguished expression. "I just don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?"
"Because I am fine."
"See you keep saying that but I am concerned and I know you're not fine. Mac how can I not be? I haven't seen you in a week and then you come back a distant person."
"Distant? You keep saying that."
"Yes distant. Closed off, aloof...just...well that's not you."
"So what if I'm distant?" Mac asks in defense; his mind reading into the wrong meaning of the words she is offering.
"We never held anything back in the past. We used to talk about everything."
"I said I'm fine. Just wanted...gosh Stella I have had drinks in the past."
"Not to the detriment of us."
"We are fine."
"Mac you haven't even offered me a simple hug since you've returned," her voice dies out in misery.
"I'm sorry," he laments as he finally pulls her into his grasp. And although not offering her the same strong embrace he normally does, her arms wrap around him immediately and hold on as if she might never get the opportunity to hold him again.
"Whatever you are going through Mac, I want to be a part of."
"I just want to forget all this Stella."
"I just want you to be fine Mac."
"Stella..." he tries as she once again pushes her thumb to his lips.
"I want us to be fine Mac and I'll help you do whatever it takes to get there."
"Maybe tomorrow at work will be better," he tries. "Please?"
Stella offers a small nod behind his back, not wanting to push him away when he finally took at step to open up. "I guess I should let you get some sleep. Please though Mac, no drinking."
"I...I guess you're right," Mac stammers as he slowly places the bottle back into the small cabinet and then turns and faces Stella with an uncertain glance.
"I can sleep on the couch if you want space," she mentions carefully. "But I hope you don't want to be alone again."
"Just am very tired and..."
"Right so we'll have sex tomorrow Mac," Stella counters and his face warms, his lips wanting to twitch. "Just thought you'd be tired of sleeping alone."
"I...no it's okay we can...sure."
"Mac?"
"I don't want to be alone Stella."
"Me either."
Stella arches a brow before she gently loops her arm in Mac's and they slowly head for their bedroom in silence. Stella watches Mac ease himself down under the covers and then gets in after him. Mindful of his bruised chest and cracked ribs, she places her head near his shoulder but not wanting to cause him any more pain; just happy to be so close to his body after having to suffer alone in the large bed.
"Goodnight Mac," Stella whispers as her hand finally finds his under the covers, her fingers latching on to his cool skin and her mind delighting when his flesh starts to warm at her touch.
"Goodnight Stella," Mac replies with a heavy frown that she can't see, his mind racing as his body continues to revel in the delightful feeling of her body pressed up against his.
But as he tries to tell himself that by tomorrow he'll be back to normal, he has to wonder if he'll actually be able to push Maurice Wicks out of his head long enough to enjoy sexual relations with his wife as he did before. He finally hears her breathing starting to slow and knows she's falling asleep. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on their wedding day; anything to keep the haunting images from the past few days at bay. But each time he would drift into sleep and then be awakened by a nightmare, Stella would be there at his side; not trying to make him feel weak or helpless but just offering kind words and loving assistance in any way she could, such as getting him water or even offering a simple 'I love you.'
And although they were able to get a bit more sleep than the night before, by the time their alarm clock went off, both awoken with tired expressions and weary bodies.
"You slept a bit better," Stella mentions as her fingers lightly brush his semi-smooth cheek.
"I feel stiff," Mac grumbles as he rolls onto his back and looks at her with a slight frown. "Tonight I'll take the couch so you can sleep."
"Trust me Mac, I've had just as much sleep as you in the past week," she tells him as she props herself up on one elbow and looks down at him with a warm smile. "Missed you though," she whispers as her free hand slowly leaves his face and starts to rest on his chest.
"Stella..."
"Shh Mac," she lovingly instructs as she leans in closer still and brushes his lips with hers; her hand continuing it's quest of moving lower; now resting near his belly button.
"Stella..." Mac tries once more as she smiles down at him.
"Just relax okay Mac?" She whispers as her hand reaches his groin and starts to gently fondle his member; prompting Mac to close his eyes.
No stop...his mind begs, feeling Wicks touch on him instead of Stella's. His heart rate starts to quicken as he opens his eyes and swallows back a nervous lump.
'You have a lot to offer...' Wicks laughs as Stella's fingers move lower.
"Stop," Mac manages weakly, forcing Stella to lock eyes in surprise; her hand remaining on his groin.
"What?"
"Please stop...just stop," he huffs as he rolls onto his side; his back to her.
"Mac, what is it?" Stella asks in confusion as she tries to turn him to face her. But instead of being greeted with his handsome face, she watches his shoulder pull away from her touch but his body doesn't budge.
"Did I hurt you?" Stella inquires as she tries to peer over his shoulder. "Mac what is going on?"
"I'm just not..."
"I was just giving you a bit of pleasure," she states with a heavy sigh. "You used to like my touch before."
"I still do I just...I'm just tired and...are you disapointed?"
"A bit surprised but I understand."
"Do you?"
"No, but I am trying," she frowns. In her mind she doesn't understand. Mac said he wasn't sexually assaulted but then pulls back when she offers him some physical stimulation. What is going on Mac? What are you really hiding from me?
"Stella..." Mac's soft voice breaks her thoughts.
"Nothing to worry about Mac. I just wanted to make you smile," she confesses, trying to keep her tone light so as not to give him a guilt trip of any kind and add to the further mental burden he seems to be carrying. But seeing him so solid in his stance she gives herself a shrug and then slowly exits the warm nest of covers.
"I guess we should get ready for work," she mumbles as she heads out of the bedroom and into the living room to put away her blanket and pillow from the night before.
I can't tell her, Mac's mind laments once more as he slowly uprights himself and then looks at the door in remorse. I'll just go to work and get back on a case and that will be it.
Mac goes about making his bed, his senses picking up the energizing aroma of coffee as he heads toward his closet to get ready for the day. Thankful he won't have to write a report about his case; as Flack had assured him he would take care of all the paperwork, he hopes he can just enter the lab and get started on something routine.
He takes off his sleep shirt and then his sleep pants, leaving only his black underwear on as he decides what to wear.
"Missed seeing that each morning," Stella smiles as she walks up to her nearly naked husband. "Shall I show you mine?"
"Um sure."
"Gee thanks," Stella retorts with a mock frown as she leans in a bit closer. She wraps her arms around his naked body and holds on tightly, her hands resting on his lower back and moving lower toward his ass.
"I think we should..." Mac states in haste as her fingers rest on his ass and his body instinctively pulls away.
"Am I not allowed to touch you Mac?" Stella asks in confusion.
"We could be late."
"Trust me even you would choose sex over work," she stands back and looks at his face. "What is going on with you? Talk to me Mac, make me understand."
"I just got home yesterday."
"And you said everything is fine."
"Everything is."
"But I can't sexually arouse you like I used to or even give you a hug if you're not dressed?" Stella asks in wonder. "What am I missing Mac?"
"I just don't to um...to be late."
"You're the boss; trust me no one will care. We need to work this out."
"Stella we are fine."
"We sound like a broken record," she groans as she turns and heads for her own closet, her heart starting to ache with each step she takes away from him. What is going on? Her brain screams in frustration. One minute he hugs me and the next he pulls away. I can't even touch him? He said he wasn't assaulted and Dr. Adams confirmed that. What is he hiding?
Stella turns and watches Mac get dressed in silence, wanting more than anything to pry into his head and see what is going on with is odd behavior. But she tells herself that Dr. Adams said these would be normal signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that it would take a few more days for Mac to get all the way back to the way he was before he went in to Rikers.
They finish dressing in thickening silence before Mac watches Stella head into the kitchen and then hears her softly humming; his fist gently slamming the side of the closet door in angry frustration.
I just need time, he tells himself. Time to get Wicks voice out of my head and I'll be fine, to get his touches away from my um...he tries to convince himself once more as he heads into the kitchen. Thankfully during their brief breakfast Stella tells him about the cases he missed while he was away and finally after applying some cream to his bruised cheek and applying a small fresh bandage to the cut above his eye to keep the stitches clean they both head for the door and then down toward the Avalanche.
The ride to the lab is also spent talking about anything other than Drew, Jimmy's initial call, Mac's decision and then finally what he had to endure; Mac wanted to pretend none of it had ever happened. But inside both of their minds and hearts they know that ignorance isn't bliss and this wasn't a nightmare that either were going to wake up from just like that. They finally reach the lab and exit the elevator to see Flack anxiously pacing while he waits for them to arrive.
"Hey Mac how are you feeling?" Flack asks in concern.
"Okay," Mac tells him in haste.
"We found Bart's body and Ron Knight is okay. He's asking about you. Did you want to go and se..."
"No!" Mac rushes in haste.
"Okay sorry," Flack replies with a shrug. "He just wanted to see if you were okay. Said after he res..."
"I said no," Mac insists, not wanting Flack to offer any further details about the fact that Ron Knight had rescued him from another embarrassing situation where he was helpless to defend himself against two evil men.
"Right so Maurice Wicks is in custody right now, pending a hearing as well as the other two guards. His brother Franklin Wicks has also been arrested on several other charges and Sinclair is handling his case."
"Thanks," Mac states as he pushes past them and then heads for his office, biting back his rising pain and trying to keep his oncoming panic attack at bay. But as soon as he's out of sight, he leans against the wall and closes his eyes; praying for the black circles to quickly subside.
Outside Flack looks at Stella with a frown.
"I thought he'd be happy about Ron?"
"Don, I don't know what's going on but Dr. Adams said that it'll take him at least a few days before he's back to the old Mac we know and love."
"I guess nearly um...well yeah it would be hard for any man..."
"Don, he volunteered for that assignment; I'm sure that decision is coming back to haunt him right now," Stella states with a heavy sigh as she looks in the direction of Mac's office.
"How are you?" Flack asks softly.
"About to go postal," she mentions lightly. "I know for most people coming back after only one day of rest to work after...well you know and...but I think it'll be the best thing for Mac. Dr. Adams agreed. Maybe being here will help him focus on work and..." her voice trails off, prompting Flack to gently touch her shoulder and force her eyes to look at him.
"What?"
"I am just afraid that he'll keep all the tension locked up inside and if there is something else that is troubling him not talking about it and then doing something rash. I mean Mac was a marine and is used to being in control all the time and...well you saw him in that room and..."
"He'll have nightmares for sure," Flack states softly. "Did he sleep at all last night?"
"Not very much. At least he didn't throw up. Was better than the night before but not by much. I guess each night will be a bit more and more but I mean Mac didn't sleep at the best of times. Now when his body needs it the mosthe's fighting it. I mean I can understand the nightmares butoh I hate to play the over concerned wife card," she pauses as Flack's lips offer a kind smile.
"If you didn't, Mac would be worried."
"He is so withdrawn and despondent at times."
"I'm sure after today he'll be tired but fine. Once he has his mind back on work, he'll be okay. Is he different in any other way?"
"He won't admit it to me, but he is. It's hard to explain but I know him so well so know when things are off," she looks back at Mac's office with a heavy heart. "I just hope it's not to the detriment of himself or us."
"He's not that guy Stella. He's faced worse, hell he's got a scare to prove he nearly died. I'm sure once he has a few days of rest and back into the routine of work he'll be fine. Besides Maurice Wicks is locked away in jail. He can't hurt Mac any more."
"Might be nice if maybe you went and talked to him," Stella suggests. Flack looks at her with a frown. His mind had been racing as to his initial meeting with Mac after he partially agreed to this whole thing in the first place. But now with Mac back in the lab, he finds his own anxiety building.
"I might later."
"Don."
"Stella, it's not easy for me either. I mean to face him. I agreed to this and...what would I say? What if he blames me? I blame me."
"You know Mac never would."
"Not openly," Flack groans as he looks away from Mac and back at Stella. "I'll try...later."
"Don," she tries again.
"Later Stella," he tries to assure her; his own mind wanting to exit the area for fear that on his first day back, Mac would be reminded of his terrible decision and actually blame him in some way. I do feel somehow responsible, Flack's mind offers.
"What is it?"
"Wicks is away from him now Stella. He can't hurt him again," Flack tries to assure her once more. "Things should get better right?"
XXXXXXXX
Mac stands in the middle of his office; his panic starting to build. He closes his eyes momentarily to hopefully get the room to stop spinning and the on set of his mild panic attack to subside.
"I can do this," he commands himself as he heads for his leather desk chair. "I will not allow Wicks to win."
He eases himself down into the plush leather, his body offering an involuntary groan as his tender ribs and bruised frame connect with the chair, his stomach still tight with nervous anxiety. He had told himself in the morning that he would be faced with questions from the team but would just tell them the sting was a success and he wasn't allowed to say anything further; hoping they would get the hint and just drop it. Stella had already assured him that Flack had told the team the same story, so in reality he shouldn't face too many prying questions.
Flack knows the truth and Stella as well but tells himself that is it and with Wicks in jail he will be fine; this is all over for good. He feels happy that Ron Knight was able to help and was found alive, sad that Bart had to pay the ultimate sacrifice for his knowledge and that Ron's testimony and what is on the footage from the glasses should be the nail in Wicks coffin. At least he tells himself that, mostly to convince his own worried mind that his future really is safe from any further ugly acts; purported by a man still cursing his name and vowing revenge to get even, wanting to finish what he had started with the one that got away.
Mac looks at the case file before him, flips it open and finally feels his mind starting to settle a little. Never in his life would he have imagined that looking at a dead body would be comforting, but it forced his mind to push his own mental torment to the back and focus on someone else for the first time in days. But as he tries to reach for a pen, he notices his fingers slightly trembling and puts the pen back down.
"I can do this," he tells himself once more as he tries to get his nerves to settle so he can concentrate on doing his job. Telling himself he'll have a solid lunch and dinner he picks the pen back up and tries to concentrate on the findings before him, not wanting the team to see him in a state that would once again arouse suspicion. But just as he's about to go in search of one of his team the phone rings and his original course is immediately altered; altered by the voice of the devil himself.
"Hello Detective Taylor, did miss me?"
A/N: Well I think this chapter is a bit shorter but hope that's okay and that you are all still interested in where the story is going and want to see how it all unfolds. And yes Mac will tell STella all that happened so don't lose heart, our SMACKED will prevail and get back to where they were before. Thanks in advance so much!
