It was strange to be back in Nampara; strange and oddly familiar.
The journey had been odd too. Ross had barely spoken to her on the carriage. Again, she had packed quickly and only took the same clothes she brought many months ago, except for the mourning gowns that Lady Boscawen had commissioned for her. She had traveled with Bella in her lap. Jeremy, oblivious to what was happening, was most excited to finally go back home. She noted that Clowance had developed a strong attachment to her papa and called his attention and talked to him throughout the trip. Ross was patient with her and responded in kind. Now and then she saw him glance at her, but he said nothing.
The night they arrived, they argued about where each of them would sleep. She intended to do it in Jeremy´s old room. But Ross said no, she should sleep in the master bedroom. She objected but he said that there wasn't enough space for Bella's cot there. It was late that night, but he would assemble it the next day.
Demelza and Bella overslept the next morning. The child had been restless during the night and so had she. She supposed to be tired from the events of the last days; tired and sorrowful. Her best friend was gone. She felt sorry for him, sorry for the waste of youth, sorry for the waste of love he had in him. She felt sorry for her as well, for her loneliness. Because now she was not worthy of that pity. She had come back but she did not feel she was the mistress of the house anymore. How could she? And Ross, Ross would be the same. His sense of duty had brought them home. It was the place where his children should be. And he would say it was the place his wife should be. But if he was estranged from her before, why would things be better between them now?
When she came down the kids were already playing in front of the fireplace. Garrick was sitting comfortably on the armchair.
'Good mornin' t' 'ee mistress.' – said Jane – 'Capt'n Poldark said not t' disturb 'ee, he went t' Sawle. I'll fetch 'ee breakfast.'
She ate while Jane held Bella. Afterwards, she went outside and across the yard to the storage shed to find the cradle for the parlour and the cot for the bedroom. When Jane went to look for her, Demelza was struggling to release a footboard from under a pile of wood.
'Capt'n Poldark is callin' 'ee mistress. Oh 'ee should see wha' he's brought!' – She exclaimed excitedly.
Demelza found them in the parlour, Clowance holding a new cloth doll, Ross with Bella in one arm and with the other giving instructions to Jeremy who was finishing setting a blanket inside a very refined bassinet.
'Look mama! For Bella…'
'I see my dear.' She said to Jeremy.
'There's one for your bedroom too.' The boy added and motioned his hands for Ross to put Bella inside. She looked at him with the question in her eyes.
'I figured,' – Ross said quickly gazing at her – 'that she must be used to the great luxuries of society. The cot will arrive in a couple of days.'
There was no way that Clowance went to bed if her father didn't read her a story first. Demelza couldn't understand how she'd become so attached to him after so much time without seeing him and only a week since they had come back. And Bella wasn't much different, except that she couldn't literally ask for him. When she was unsettled Ross would pick her up and rocked her for a few minutes and she calmed down immediately.
Ross didn't speak much to her, he was outside most of the day and when he did it was mostly about the children. They were sitting by the fire one night, him with Bella on his lap gently tapping his leg on the floor to make her sleep.
'Did you find the mine prospering?' – she said and seem to startle him, he was fallen sleep himself or was surprised that she started a conversation. – 'They had an issue with the coal suppliers in February.'
'Oh? Zacky didn't say. How do you know?'
'They told me back then. And I had to write a very strong letter to the provider in Wales. I think it did its work, there was no problem after that.'
'Nobody told me.'
'There was no need to trouble you for it.' She added absently.
"It seems that I didn't need to be troubled for anything"- he thought.
'I will go to Sawle Church tomorrow to make the arrangements.'- he said after a moment of silence.
He'd been wanted to tell her for a few days now but couldn't find the right moment to tell her…
'Arrangements for what?'
'The christening.'
'Oh.' It was all she said shifting uncomfortably in her seat.
'What's the matter?' Ross asked coldly.
Demelza raised her eyes to him. 'I don't want her to be baptized in Sawle Church.' She murmured.
'Why not? Did you and Hugh have other plans for it?' He bit back.
She didn't reply with anger but with resignation: ''Tis where I saw you kissing Elizabeth.'
He was suddenly still.
'That was not what you imagined it was.'- he told her, his body leaning in her direction.
'I really don't care what it was Ross. And I didn't imagine anything, I know what I saw…'
'Yes but…'
'Just not that church Ross, please.'
He nodded in agreement.
Demelza had written to Lady Boscawen to ask her to be Bella's godmother. Drake was the godfather. Isabella Poldark was baptized in the Church of Saint Winwaloe in front of a small congregation. Her parents and godparents, her brother and sister, her uncle Dwight and aunt Caroline and her uncle Sam. The last one said only had come to make sure of the salvation of an innocent soul.
For the first time in a month Demelza didn't wear one of her mourning dresses. In their way to church there wasn't people joining them like there had been when Julia, Jeremy and Clowance were christened. Only a few people waved at them, the Martins and the Daniels, and Demelza could hear the whispers for the first time. The talk behind her back; the eyes judging her. And judging Ross.
There was no reception after the religious ceremony was over. Only Hugh's mother made the road back to Nampara and stayed for tea with Demelza. Ross excused himself and went to Wheal Grace with Jeremy.
When they got back hours later he found her with a glass of port in her hand, sitting in front of the hearth looking at the fire.
'Are the girls sleeping?' He asked, carrying a too sleeping Jeremy.
Demelza nodded and he went upstairs to put the boy to bed. The house was almost in darkness, only a candle twinkled over the parlour table. Ross returned to where she was and poured a glass of port for himself. He turned his body and raised the decanter signaling to Demelza if she wanted another. But she wasn't looking at him, in fact, she hadn't move at all since he came home.
He sat in front of her and watched her look at the flames for a very long time. She had surprised him today wearing one of her old green dresses. He felt it appropriate not to remember a dead man in a day that celebrated a life. He was glad she seemed to think that way too and hoped she wouldn't wear black again. It didn't suit her.
'Do you miss him?' He said presently.
Demelza lifted her sight from the fire like she hadn't even noticed he was there. She took a sip from her drink, her throat was dry. She had been crying.
'Yes.' Her voice was hoarse. 'He was my friend and I miss him very much.'
Her attention went back to the hearth. Ross swallowed.
'Just your friend?... It seemed to be much more than a friendship for him…'
Demelza's lips curved in a shy smile.
'He wanted to marry you.'
'I can't see how that would have been possible…'
'There are ways. Did you… Would you have wanted to marry him?'
She considered the question for a while, it had never crossed her mind until he said it that night, but she hadn't given it a second thought.
'I don't know, I wanted for him to be happy…'
'So you would have… Did you love him?' he asked before she could refute his statement.
'Yes. Like I said, he was my friend. My best friend. And I liked how he made me feel…'
'How he made you feel?'
'Special. Cherished. Loved.'
Ross felt every word of hers like a stab to his heart.
'Didn't I make you feel that way?'
'No.' – she said hesitant – 'Not lately at least. He was… he was like no one I ever met before. Kind, and sweet and gentle. And I don't know why, but he loved me. He was so generous, he was my only company when I was lonely, broken…'
'And before? If I recall correctly, your dalliance with him begun before I went to London…'
'Dalliance?'
'Affair.' He clarified but Demelza wasn't asking for the meaning.
'I didn't have a dalliance with him…'
'You told me you slept with him. He told me also.'
She sighed with exasperation. Let it all end, if that is what he was looking for…
'Yes. I did. If that is what it takes to have a dalliance, then yes. I did it because I felt sorry for him and I felt sorry for myself. Because I felt unwanted and he wanted me in that moment…'
'You were never unwanted Demelza… we slept together until the last…'
'Judas Ross! That is not the only way I wished to be wanted by you. Yes, we were never lacking in the bedroom but what about the rest of our lives? What about your "dalliance" with Elizabeth?'
Demelza had stood up and now Ross was looking up at her.
'Demelza…' he spoke slowly. 'You must stop making her the excuse for what you did. Nothing happened that day. We met by chance visiting Aunt Agatha's grave. We talked. Yes, we talked for the first time in years. She's married to George and wishes to remain so. As we were saying goodbye I kissed her. And that's all. There was nothing more.'
'And what was she doing here the other day?' – she insisted, still unconvinced.
Ross sighed. 'That was a mistake. I had just found out that you had have a child and I thought it was of someone else's. She asked to see me and I said yes. I wasn't thinking...'
'You never seem to think when it comes to her.'
'And you? Were you thinking when you hid from me that I was going to be a father again? Or didn't you have time to think in all these months while you were playing at being someone else's wife?'
He went quiet when Jane entered the room. She came to light another candle on the table, the one that was there had gone out without them noticing and they were talking only illuminated by the fire of the hearth. Demelza went to stand near the fireplace, she leaned one hand on it to support herself. When Jane was gone, Ross came up behind her. He was calmer but she was not.
'Did you not think that what you did would break my heart?' – He whispered near her ear.
Demelza could not speak. Her throat had dried again. He was right, of course he was. She should never have gone with Hugh. She should have never agreed to let him pretend to be the father of Bella. She had betrayed the man she swore to love all her life. She could not stay here anymore.
'All this time while you held his hand, while he caressed the belly carrying my child, while you kissed him… didn't you think of me at all?...'
Demelza began sobbing, but he continued nonetheless.
'Do you hate me so much that you left me alone to imagine you sharing your bed with a young soldier that you barely knew?'
'I don't hate you Ross… I thought you didn't care.' - she managed to say at last – 'I did not leave, you did. You left us and did not look back. I was the one alone and what did I have to lose? If you casted me away and did not want me anymore. I thought I could make him happy. I had nothing… but nothing was enough for him. Oh Ross…' she said in a desperate sigh –'Is all lost now?…'
'What is lost?'
'Us. Our marriage, our family…'
'Why? Do you not love me anymore?' he asked but Demelza didn't hear him. – 'I'll leave. I will not be a burden to you anymore…'
'Why do you always say that? Why are you always threatening me with running away? Have I been so bad of a husband that you can't wait to leave me at every chance you have?...' - Ross waited until she stopped crying to talk again.
'I… I shouldn't have gone to London without seeing you. When I returned from Bodmin I thought I'd find you here… It was stupid of me to think that you would stay after the way I treated you. I apologize again for that. But what could I do if I find my wife had gone with another man? Kill him? I thought about it. Many, many times...'
'Ross…'
'But that was not a solution, wasn't it?. He said to me that it was not him who took you but I was the one who lost you. I see what he meant. I should have fought for you… As for what you said, you were never a burden to me Demelza… I love you.'
She looked at him like he was mad.
'Do you still?'
'Yes' - he said unquestionably.
'Even after all I did?'
Ross looked vaguely over her shoulder and shrugged. 'Yes.' he said again nodding.
'You can't Ross.' She said with sorrow in her voice – 'You can't. Its going to be better if I leave, people are already talking, they know what I did…'
Ross tried to put his hands on her waist and went closer to her but she stepped back and pushed his arms away from her body. 'What did I just say…?'
'I'm tainted Ross. It would be best for you if I leave. You're a Member of Parliament now… and people know where I've been all this time. They'll gossip behind your back. They're doing it already. You can't allow that…'
Ross smiled and raised his hands to her once more, she tried to escape from him again but his grasp was more intended now. 'Demelza' – he said – 'Do you think I care what people will say? Did I ever?'
'But 'tis different now, you're an MP not just a country squire anymore and you have a reputation…' she protested.
'Damn my reputation and gossip as well. Is not the first time we will be the talk of the town my dear.'
Demelza eye him warily, it had been years since then, since the village talk of them and since he called her with an endearment. He gave a step closer to her, her hands were now resting lightly on his elbows, his hands on her narrow waist, the fingers pressing her lower back.
'Besides, I'm sure nothing they can say of me now will be worst of what they said of me when I brought you home…'
'What did they say?' she asked curiously, the tears still not dry on her face.
Ross smiled slightly, letting the suspense work on his wife's mood. 'They called me a child abductor.' – He said finally.
'Judas!' Demelza exclaimed. Ross took advantage of her distraction to surround his arms against her body even tighter, her arms resting on his shoulders now. They looked at each other for a while. Demelza thinking of everything he told her, Ross waiting for her to make up her mind.
'Why didn't you send me back then? When I was more trouble than I was worth…'
'I couldn't. How could I send you back to your abusive father? You were an innocent child…'
'But it was not your place… you had no obligation…'
'I did. I have an obligation towards you since the moment I met you. I could not explain it then, I don't think I can even now, after all these years. You were nothing but a young brat who had nothing but the knocks life had given you. You were alone and I was lonely and knocked by fate myself. I guess… I suppose I saw myself in you in a way. And beating your father was actually me fighting against the direction life was taking me. It didn't seem that way at that time of course, but now thinking about it, is like… by saving you I was trying to save myself…'
'I could have lived happily serving you my whole life.' Demelza said distracted, remembering what that urchin girl she once was used to think.
'Then why did you give yourself to me?' He sounded bitter. – 'If you wanted just serve me? No, you wanted more…'
'I just wanted for you not to be miserable. I would have done anything…'
'And anything you did. But you're lying Demelza, that's not all you wanted. You wanted me as well.'
Demelza dropped her hands from him and tried to move back but he moved with her too not letting her go.
'And well? Didn't you? Did you not already love me back then? Did you not want for me to love you too?
'Yes. But it was not my place…'
'And now? Is it not your place now Demelza? We've been married for more than ten years. You are my wife, the mother of my four children… We've been through so much together. Life has punched us hard but we were never defeated. Are we now? Do you not want my love anymore?'
'Five.' She said. This time she managed to step away from him in his bewilderment. 'You have five children… and I'm not the mother of all of them.'
All the colors ran out from Ross' face. He had never spoken with Demelza about it, he had never wanted to. It would destroy her to talk about it… it would destroy him.
She was waiting for him to say something but words failed him. It would be the final blow to her, to open that old wound and she would leave him for good. He had never realized that the wound had never closed.
He saw the moisture starting to cloud her green eyes again, that expression she made right before starting to cry.
'He's not…' Ross begun but he stopped and rephrased. 'Valentine will grow up as George's son. That's what she wants and I agree with her decision. Demelza…'
'Yes Ross?'
'I don't want another family than the one that I have with you… Do you not want that anymore?' Tears were clouding his vision now.
Demelza breathed heavily, one, two, three times.
'It was not my place to want nothing more when we married, but you are right. I wanted you, I wanted to love you and I wanted to be loved by you Ross. And I know you did. I really know you did love me. But I also knew that I wasn't the only one who had that privilege…'
'Demel…'
'But it was alright. For years it was enough, more than enough. And I… I don't know when, but at some point I became selfish and jealous and… and needy. And I wanted something that you are not able to give because is beyond yourself…'
'What was it?'
'You. All of you. I didn't want to share your heart with Elizabeth anymore. You said, I'm your wife, I gave you children, heirs. I take care of the house, the farm, the mine. I take care of you. I urged you to be a good man… Why do I have to share your love with someone who only gives you sorrow?... Why I'm not enough for you?'
Demelza began crying again. Heavy drops slipping from her eyes to her cheeks wetting the hands she used to cover her face. Ross' own hands went to her face too, pushing aside hers and drying the tears with his thumbs. Before he could realize what he was doing his lips touched her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks.
His lips were wet, from her tears or his he didn't know. All he knew was that she was wrong.
'You are enough. You are more than enough.' – he said between hurried kisses. 'You have it all, Demelza. There's no one but you.'
Demelza was not looking at him, so he lifted her chin to make sure she hear what he was about to say.
'Listen to me Demelza. My life is meaningless without you in it. It has been that way since the moment I met you and is true that I failed to see that sometimes. And failed to prove it to you many other times. I know I can be harsh and reckless. And words of affection don't come easily to me but that doesn't mean the lack of it. Is just that I never thought of… I never imagined that I could lose my place in your heart. When I say 'you are my wife' is not for the mere reminder of the oath you took that day so many years ago. I say it because it is what I want you to be, you. No one else. You Demelza. My wife, my best friend. My business partner, the mother of my children, my confidant. The pig-headed woman who is never tired, the one who pushes me and forces me to be better, the one who annoys me with her honesty. My lover, Demelza… my bed has been cold without you. I miss you, I miss 'my wife', the one who gives and never ask anything for herself… Do you think that I can love anyone else the way I love you? You're wrong. But I know that is not all you want and you have every right to ask for it. I just wish I could have realized of that sooner…'
'Oh Ross…' Was all Demelza managed to say.
'If you let me, I'll be a better husband. I won't make you doubt of my feelings again because there's no doubt in me about who truly owns my heart… Is it too late? Am not the first in your heart anymore?'
'Ross no!' She gasped and crushed her mouth in his. She kissed him frantically. Her fingers in his hair, her feet without touching the floor because Ross had lifted her, one arm around her waist the other hand holding her head to him.
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry' – she said every time she broke for air while he kept kissing her face.
After all that went between them, all the lies and mistakes from both parties. After all of the hurt. She still loved him like the first day they met, like the day they were married, like the day their first child was born. And she believed him. She believed that he loved her and his promise to show it to her.
'I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?'
'Shhh… my love. I can. Let the past be gone my dear. Tomorrow is yet to come. All that matters is the present, and right now we're are together. Our children are sleeping upstairs, the sun will rise in the morning and we're together. I love you Demelza, that's all that matters…'
She kissed him again, moved by his words. She too wished they had come sooner but did not care. They would heal their wounds together. They could face whatever life sends if they were together.
'I love you too Ross.' – she whispered in his ear while his lips traveled from neck to her shoulder.
Her feet were on the ground again. Their kisses were urgent. Their tongues caressed the never forgotten taste of each other. His hands easily remembered how to touch her, her back, her shoulders, her arms. His lips traveled every inch of exposed skin. His fingers were on their way to her breasts when she froze. 'Ross.' She said slowly. 'Ross.' But Ross only moaned in response.
'Ross!' – she said again pinching his shoulder to catch his attention.
Ross suddenly pulled back from his embrace.
'What is it? Do you not want me?' Desperation in his voice.
She caressed his scared face.
'I do want you, dearest Ross. But… remember Bella?' she said coyly smiling and raising an eyebrow to him.
'Oh!' he remembered 'Of course. That's alright my love. We'll wait.' He kissed her sweetly this time.
He didn't have to wait for long.
