OMWGNOTE: This chapter might be a bit confusing to you, so let me sum things up: James basically went into limbo. He's not dead (yet…not that I'm implying that he will die, just that he gets to choose in this chapter), just clearing things up in the "OMG YOU KILLED HIM!" reviews. This will probably be a long chapter, only because I have a lot to cover. By the end of the chapter, you will know whether James is dead or alive.
DISCLAIMER: I have no ownership towards Big Time Rush or any characters affiliated. I own Richard Rolle, and that's all.
…
9. Lost and Found
James did not know where he was or how the hell he got there, but he did not really mind.
He opened his eyes and found himself staring into the sky above, the sun shining brightly and causing his eyes to squint at the newfound light.
Shielding them with his right arm, he propped himself up with his left.
He was in a field. The grass was a luscious green—the kind of green that was created with the perfect blend of sunlight and rain. Looking down, he noticed the buttercups all around him, reflecting a yellow light on his arm and clothing in random places. The field was lined with trees, full of leaves and blossoms. They were nothing like the bare, dull ones of Minnesota that James had grown so accustomed to.
Looking down at his own body, he found that he was wearing his lucky white v-neck and a pair of white skinny jeans. He seriously hoped that none of his friends were around, because he did not want his lucky v-neck to become ruined again.
Laughing a bit to himself, James pushed himself up completely. As he stood up, he could feel the blades of grass tickle at his bare feet, sticking up between his toes. It felt really weird to stand, though he had no idea why. It was almost as if he shouldn't be able to stand. Becoming a little freaked out, James looked himself over again.
Nothing but his white clothes.
Why is this so strange? James thought to himself, his eyebrows furrowing. He knew that there was something that he should remember, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't.
James decided to shake it off. If he could not remember it, then what he was currently forgetting must not be that important. He again focused his attention to the view around him, smiling and closing his eyes. He could feel the sun's rays warming his skin. Quite frankly, he would be perfectly content just standing here forever.
Then a light wind picked up from behind him, making his hair fly around his face. The wind felt nice, he realized. But even so, the smile faded from his face. He felt as though it were some sort of sign…
Opening his eyes, James turned around slowly.
He found that he was standing at the top of a very steep hill. Looking at the bottom of said hill, he noticed a magnificent large castle-like building situated at the base.
Well, what the hell was that doing there?
For some reason unknown to him, James felt drawn towards the mysterious building. Normally, he would have fled from it. James did not like the unknown; this is a major reason why he thinks that four-headed warehouse monsters reside in empty storage buildings. But there was something about this building that was calling to him, as cheesy as it may sound.
He did not even realize that he was moving towards the building until he tripped on a rock and started to tumble down the hill.
James was sure that this descent would be a rough one, but he surprisingly did not feel any pain at all. That was a little concerning, but James put it out of his mind as he reached the bottom of the incline, rolling over onto his back and coming to a complete stop.
He just stared at the sky for a moment, too lazy to even think about getting up. Just as he was about to, though, he heard laughter fill the silence around him.
James thought that maybe he was going crazy; that it was actually him laughing, and that he just did not realize it. It happened a lot in books that he had read; where the character was doing something they weren't even aware of.
But this laughter was a lot more obnoxious than his own, and judging by the fact that James knew he was completely still, the laughter had to be coming from some other source from himself.
Meaning, James wasn't alone.
Just then, he saw a laughing, smiling, familiar face appear above his own.
"I can't even begin to explain how hilarious that was," Carlos told him. "Too bad you didn't have this baby!" He reached up and patted his helmet for good measure. He then threw something on the ground next to him and reached out his now free hand to help James up. "Here, let me help you up," he said, a trace of amusement still in his voice.
James accepted the boy's offer and let himself be pulled up by his friend. He, however, did not speak to the energetic boy before him. He still had no fucking clue how Carlos got there.
"If you're wondering why I'm here," Carlos said, seemingly reading his thoughts, "It's because I'm the guard to this lovely castle…thingy." He bent down to pick up his discarded hockey stick from the grass.
Carlos then made a show of marching back and forth in front of the door, slamming his hockey stick to the ground every few steps.
James' eyebrows rose. "Alright, you're a guard." He said, and Carlos stopped in his tracks. "But why would someone let you guard…well, anything?" He asked.
Carlos smiled. "You tell me." Upon seeing James' face adapt a look of sheer confusion, he added, "I mean, it's your imagination. Obviously, you must trust me if I'm guarding a place like this." He gestured to the magnificent castle behind him.
"Wait," James said. "You're telling me that everything here is a part of my imagination?"
Carlos laughed. "More or less. It's really your way of convincing yourself whether to choose to live or move on."
James suddenly became very confused again. "I get to choose?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you? Yes. Si. Ja. Oui. Ano—"
He was cut off by a quickly-getting-frustrated James. "I get it! Would you stop with the languages?" He paused for a moment. "What languages did you speak just then?"
Carlos smiled again, this time more broadly. "English, Spanish, German, French, and Czech—in that order."
"Where the hell did you find the time to learn four new languages?" James asked, a mixture of curiosity and amusement in his voice. The tall boy had no idea that Carlos even knew certain English words, let alone Spanish, German, French, and Czech.
Carlos laughed. "Well, you took a long-ass time to get here. What with the whole basement scene," James flinched, "You deciding to give up on life, and then your conscience telling you that dying probably wasn't the best idea, I've been waiting here forever. So I ordered, like, eight sets of Muzzy. I originally did it just to get the free stuffed animal, but freaking Kendall took them all." Carlos pouted. "So I just watched the movies, and damn, they were cool."
James laughed at the prospect of Carlos getting his eight little Muzzies stolen from him. "Some guard you are," He mumbled.
Carlos' pout turned into a glare as he got on his toes to reach James' eye level. He waved his hockey stick menacingly as he said, "What did you say?"
James only laughed again, backing up a bit. "Just sayin' that you must not be a very good guard if you let Kendall steal your stuffed animals,"
Carlos' angry expression suddenly turned into a happy one, and he laughed. "Oh, there's no doubt about that. Then again, you're the one who put me in charge, so the joke's on you."
"This is true," James said, even though he never technically did such a thing. "But honestly, who else would come here? Didn't you say this was my mind?"
Carlos laughed again. "Well, I'm here, aren't I?"
James laughed as well, but it was an uneasy laugh, a nervous one; if Carlos was able to access the depths of his mind, then who else would be able to?
…
After James' uneasiness faded away, Carlos had let him enter the magnificent building that was supposed to symbolize his mind. The inside, however, was far different than anything he could have imagined it to be.
The exterior of the building being so extravagant with intricate details carved into the stone of the building, James expected the inside to be a sight for sore eyes. He expected regal furniture, chandeliers, and the most beautiful interior design when he walked inside. But instead, he was inside a library.
Not that libraries were horrible and all. In fact, James would be pretty content if this was a grand library, something exquisite and beautiful to look at. Instead, he found himself in a dull, mingy old place with books sure to have missing pages. Hell, James was pretty sure that this was the public library back in his hometown of Little Marais, Minnesota.
He suddenly felt a presence to his left, and turned to see none other than Logan Mitchell standing beside him, looking at him with a smile on his face.
"Oh," James gasped a little in surprise. "Hey Logan," He waited a moment to recover from his surprise before continuing. "What are you doing here?"
"Well," The short brunette began. "If this was A Christmas Carol and you were Scrooge, then I'd be the Ghost of Christmas Future. Or in this case, the Logan of James Future," He chuckled softly.
James nodded. "Well, alright. But then why are we in a library?"
Logan laughed, shaking his head. "We're in a library because I like books. I had a feeling that you were going to take a long time to show up—which you did—and I needed to find something to occupy my time."
"Did I really take a long time to show up?" James asked. Carlos had said the same thing, and apparently James had taken so long that he had had the time to learn four new languages. Watch Logan have read every goddamn book in here, James thought to himself.
Logan sighed. "Yes, you did. But I don't blame you—I mean, you were dead for most of that time anyway."
"Dead?" The tall boy squeaked out. Since when had he died? He knows that Carlos said that he had given up on life, but had he really died? James had thought that he had just been transported here to see if he wanted a second chance. He did not know that he actually stopped living first.
"Oh, yeah," Logan said, beginning to walk forward. James took this as a sign to follow him. "You had this whole dream sequence-like thing going on in your head during your surgery," Logan explained. "You were transported back to the basement in the warehouse that Rick held you captive in, but instead of you being held hostage, you saw Kendall, Carlos and I in the same situation."
James remembered part of this now, but he was grateful that Logan continued. He knew that he could not remember it all on his own.
"Anyway, there was this whole gruesome killing scene—by the way, thanks for making me die first, asshole—" James smiled apologetically. "And then Rick started torturing you and then everything was sort of gone, and in reality, you legit died on the operating table. I mean, they brought you back you life and everything, but still. You died."
James nodded again. At this point, they had stopped at the main desk in the library. "So if I died, then why am I here? Carlos said it was some way of me deciding whether I want to live or die, but I don't understand how that makes sense if I already died."
Logan began, "Well, my friend, you are here because you chose to die, but you were brought back to life. So now everything is all screwed up because you don't know whether you want to live or die. I mean, if you really wanted to die, you wouldn't have let them shock you back to life, right?"
"Right," James said quietly. "So, you're the uh, Logan of James Future, huh?" James asked, trying to change the subject.
Logan beamed. "You bet I am."
James smiled back. "And as Logan of James Future, I'm assuming you're here to tell me about my future."
"Way to go, Einstein." Logan said, still smiling. But then he suddenly got serious, and said, "Now, James. Future is a big factor on deciding whether you want to keep on trucking or…not. Because, honestly, you wouldn't want to keep living if you found out your future sucked." Logan didn't really mean to say this, but he couldn't help denying James information that would have such a great impact. Logan knew that if he found out he would be stupid in the future, or die alone, he would choose to die now. He wanted to let James know that it was okay if he chose to die instead of facing what was sure to come.
At Logan's statement, James nodded in agreement, something he found himself doing often whenever he was in the brainiac's presence. It was how James and Logan's relationship worked; usually, Logan did all the talking and James just listened, giving Logan his input every now and then. In other situations, James would do the talking and Logan would do the listening. The two seemed as though they weren't very close when they were in public together, but that's because only one of them ever talked. Otherwise, their relationship was all about listening.
"So this is where our relation to A Christmas Carol ends," Logan stated. "I'm not going to hijack you in your pajamas on a snowy December night and show you your future—and I'm not going to push you into your own grave, either." Logan added, causing James to laugh lightly. "Basically, I'm just going to tell you about your future instead of showing you it."
Logan and James being in a library made much more sense to James now. Although Logan had claimed before that they were surrounded by books because he knew he would get bored, James saw a more logical reasoning behind it. Logan was informing him of his future, not showing him it. This library was filled with books filled with words and not pictures. It sort of showed James that there wasn't always a clear picture on life, and Logan was showing him that.
"Alright," Logan began, signifying James to snap out of his internal ramblings and focus and what he was about to say. "If you choose to die, it's going to be really, really easy for the rest of…well, for the lack of a better term, your life." James nodded yet again. "You're not going to heaven, per say, but something like it, or at least what people make it out to be. Essentially, if you choose to die, you won't ever have to try ever again."
James wasn't sure how he felt about this; wouldn't having everything handed to you get boring after a while? "If you choose to live," Logan continued, pausing to make sure he had James' attention. "Your life is going to be difficult. You'll have to deal with a shit load of pain, and overall you are going to have a rough time getting over what happened. But believe me when I say that it will get better. You'll eventually be okay."
The information he had just received from his witty friend would cause him to make one of the most difficult decisions he would ever have to make in his life. A kid of sixteen should not be choosing whether or not he wanted to live or die; he was too young for that.
Or was he? No one was too young for anything, really. James remembered a boy from the same school he went to. He was a grade ahead of the boys, although the same age, and he was a very friendly, well-liked boy. During a football game, he was tackled and in the huddle, he had collapsed. Doctors had performed brain surgery on him, and when they put the boy into an induced coma to heal any more brain damage, he suddenly went brain dead. James remembered how hard of a blow this was to Little Marais High School; people who did not even know the boy were mourning his sudden death.
A boy of sixteen, having his life taken from him. James knew that he probably had no choice in the matter, not like what James was being given. But James did have a choice in the matter. James got to decide whether he lived or died.
He was suddenly reminded of all of those people after the poor kid's death. How those who didn't even know him were affected. It hurt James to think of the boy's best friends, who were never the same after that.
It hurt James even more to think of his best friends after his death—if, after all, he chose do die. He winced; could he really do that to the three people who mattered most?
As if reading James' thoughts, Logan said, "Ah, yes, I almost forgot to tell you about how your decision affects the people in your life." James waited for Logan to continue. "If you go with the option of dying, you are making it easier for yourself. But you're not making it easier for Kendall, Carlos and I.
"This is weird, talking about myself in the future and stuff. But, technically, I'm a figment of your imagination, so I'm not really talking about myself—"
"Logan!" James interrupted, smiling a bit at his friend's tendency to ramble on and on. Logan smiled apologetically back at him, and continued with what he was saying before he let himself wander off track.
"Anyway, by dying you're making things easier for you. But the guys and myself won't really have an easy time. I respond to the situation a bit unexpectedly; I'm trying to be the strong one, not Kendall. After you die, I become the strong one of the group, but not nearly as fearless as Kendall ever was.
"Carlos, on the other hand, is completely drained out. He stops wearing his helmet, and hell, he stops doing everything that makes him Carlos. He is not like the Energizer Bunny we used to refer to him as; he's dull and lifeless and shit, it's scary.
"Then, of course, there's Kendall." Logan said, and James winced at what he's sure to come. "I can see that you can probably see what's coming. Kendall…well, if you die, Kendall will go into a serious depression. Like a, talk to no one, brooding loner depression. He barely eats, he barely sleeps, and we're lucky to get one word out of him a week."
Well, shit, James thought to himself.
Logan continued. "Then, of course, there's always how you affect us if you choose to live. Which, is sort of bad for you and me and the guys, but it's better…slightly." James winced again. "We're all going to be really worried about you, man. Especially Kendall; he's going to be hovering around you like he's your mother and you're going to get really fucking annoyed."
James sighed. "Well, it's better than having him practically dead." He ran a hand through his hair, making a few pieces stick up.
"I'm not going to say anything," said Logan, looking away.
"Why not?"
Logan laughed a little, looking back to James. "Because I'm not allowed to influence your decision in any way, according to the rules of being the Logan of James Future."
"Can we stop saying that?" James asked, smiling. "It's a mouthful."
Logan laughed again. "Alright, then what do we call me?"
James replied sarcastically, "How about just Logan? I mean, that is your name."
"That's true," Logan said. "And by the way—I don't really have anything else to tell you, so you can go if you want."
James nodded. He was about to go through the double doors that would take him God knows where, before something popped into his mind. He turned back around to see Logan still watching him.
"Yes?" The shorted boy asked, laughing. He had a feeling that James wasn't done with him.
"Let me guess—I'm talking to Kendall next?" James asked, smiling.
Logan nodded. "Way to use your predicting skills. But, uh, be prepared for being cold. Really cold, seeing as you're not wearing shoes," James looked down, shocked to see that he forgot he was barefoot. He gave Logan a questioning glance, but the brunette shook it off. "Just get your ass out of here." Logan said.
James laughed again, and pushed through the double doors that would take him to Kendall.
…
The minute James found himself in a hockey rink, he wanted to turn back around and beat the shit out of Logan for not giving him a more descriptive warning. But even if he could (there was no way to get back to the library, seeing as the double doors disappeared the moment they shut), he probably wouldn't return back to where Logan was. Seeing Kendall surrounded by eight or so Muzzy dolls was priceless.
James let out a laugh, even if his feet were already to the point where he wondered if he was going to get frostbite. But he could not help it; seeing Kendall surrounded by a bunch of fuzzy, green plush toys was slightly hilarious.
"Stop laughing!" Kendall demanded, picking up one of the toys and throwing it in James' direction. James dodged the flying plush doll and gave Kendall a what the hell is that for? sort of look. "This is serious business!" Kendall continued, picking up another Muzzy doll and throwing it at James.
James held back a chuckle. He found nothing serious about having Muzzy toys being thrown at him, but he suppressed it only because he didn't really want to be hit in the face with one of them. "You're right," He said instead. "Get me some socks or skates or something, because my feet are going to freeze off." He pointed to his feet as though Kendall was unaware they were there.
"Fine," the boy with large eyebrows said, skating towards James. Before James could even process it, Kendall had a pair of skates in his hand. "Put these on then."
James gave Kendall a strange look before plopping onto the ice below him. He expertly tied the states, and Kendall reached out an ungloved hand to help him stand. Once he was standing, Kendall handed him two gloves and a hockey stick that, once again, seemingly came from absolutely nowhere.
"What's with all the hockey gear?" James asked, relishing in the feel of holding a hockey stick again.
Kendall sighed. "Well, I'm here to tell you about went down in our past. And I feel like it would be better to discuss such things if we were in hockey gear while in a hockey rink."
James became very confused. "But I remember my past? I don't need you to tell me things about it."
Now Kendall was angry. "Obviously you do, okay? Because if you did remember things about your past, you would have remembered how great of friends we are, how great of friends you and Logan and you and Carlos are, and you would not have been selfish and decided to throw it all away because life became too hard."
"I'm assuming you're not happy with me," James said, watching as Kendall skated away with him and began smacking the Muzzy dolls around with his own hockey stick. Kendall turned to glare at him.
"Ya think?" The blonde snorted, skating towards him again. "But I do agree with you—I don't think you need a history lesson."
James nodded, and then tried to change the subject. "Why did you steal all of Carlos' Muzzy dolls?"
Kendall smacked his glove hand to his face in exasperation. "Okay, I lied," He said, voice muffled from the glove over his face. "You do need a history lesson." He uncovered his face. "Don't you remember that time when we were eight and I saw the Muzzy commercial?"
Remembrance suddenly dawned over James, causing a smile to break out on his face. "Yes. You went and asked your mom if you could order it, and when she asked which language you wanted, you broke down and confessed that you only wanted the toy. Then she went on about how you already had a bunch of toys and you started crying."
"I did not start crying," Kendall said, glaring at James again.
James laughed. "Uh, you so did. I remember you whining, 'But none of my toys are cool enough!' Then your mom got mad and sent you to your room."
"Okay," Kendall said, crossing his arms. "Maybe I did start crying, and maybe my mom did send me to my room for it. So? They were goddamn cool, and I was pissed I couldn't have one!"
James slung an arm around Kendall. "Well, now you have eight. Make that six—the ones you threw at me are mine."
Kendall pushed James off of him aggressively. "You take them, and I'll beat your ass with my hockey stick."
Ignoring him, James began to skate towards the two discarded Muzzy dolls, his smirk hidden from Kendall. Just as he was about to pick one up though, a force from behind suddenly slammed into him, making James hit the wall surrounding the rink harshly. As he fell to the icy ground, he looked up to see a smirking Kendall above him.
"I told you that they were mine," He said harshly. He held his hand out again, and helped James get back to his feet. "Now get out of here, you've passed your history lesson."
…
To be honest, James expected a longer meeting with Kendall. They were best friends after all. Who the hell made Kendall Ghost of Christmas Past?
Oh, right. He did.
But still, he figured some long, hearty talk like the one he had with Logan. Not having Muzzy plush toys thrown at him and then being slammed into a wall when he tried to take one.
But now that he had faced his three friends, he had no idea what—or who—he would be dealing with next. He had basically gone through all of his friends, and having already learned about the past and the future, he couldn't quite decide what he was going to learn about now.
Well, for one thing, once he left the hockey rink he found that he was in a hospital room. Which, he realizes, is his hospital room.
He can see his own broken form on the bed, face marred with an ugly bruise and looking completely shattered. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos all sat in positions around his bed, doing nothing but stare at him. He noticed, with a painful ache, that their eyes were all red-rimmed and puffy from crying, Kendall emitting small sobs every few seconds.
"Heartbreaking, isn't it?" James whipped around at the sound of his own voice, and turned to see none other than himself standing there. There were now three James' in the room, and it was a little disorienting that the only one who was physically real was the unconscious one.
James did not answer himself. He was still too confused. "Speaking of hearts, that monitor over there is basically what's keeping them sane." The other version of himself told him. "But you get to choose whether they get to keep it or not."
James turned to other James. "But what if I make the wrong choice?"
"I think you know what choice is right and what choice is wrong, James."
He was right. James did know. Taking one last look at the boy on the bed, he made his decision. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Well, fine. Now how do I get back?"
The other conscious James did not answer him. But before he knew it, James felt severe pain, and then nothing. It was almost like he was floating.
Then he opened his eye and was blinded by the bright, fluorescent light attacking his retina.
…
OMWGNOTE: Yeah, so this chapter was lame. I get it. But I wanted to get it posted, and I don't think it could come out any better than this. I am, however, pretty inspired because my favorite song of all time is finally available on iTunes (it used to only be available in Japan) and I've been listening to it non-stop while writing this chapter, which fueled a lot of it. I hope you're happy with this update. The next one is coming very soon! (Within the next six days soon!)
