I play with the edge of the wooden table, feeling a little bit guilty. Why did I come here? I'm not doing anything wrong and Rayne knows where I am. Still... "Is this weird?"
"Yes," Craig replies from the kitchen. "But it's not wrong," he winks at me.
I snort, "Oh, yeah, this is so wrong."
"Yet, you're still here," he points out. "Foods almost done."
"I can't believe you're making spaghetti," I say, appreciating him changing the subject. He gives me raised eyebrows and I explain, "It just makes it seem even more like a date."
"You want it to be a date? It can. I have candles," he teases.
"Craig, no," I warn. "Or I'm gonna have to leave."
He whines, "Don't leave! The foods done." He comes to the table with two plates of spaghetti. He sets one in front of me. It's quiet for the first few minutes while we eat. I notice how Craig doesn't look up once. He seems to find his spaghetti really interesting all of a sudden.
Finally I say, "Is there something you wanted to talk about? You seem... Weird. Just- weird." His eyes shoot to mine, causing in me jumping and drop my fork. I avert my eyes, "Forget it. You don't have to answer..."
He shrugs, "There is a reason actually. I'm just stalling." I nod, playing with my food. Honestly I'm full but I don't want Craig to think I don't like it. It's wonderful I just don't eat much. He shakes his head. "Probably nothing. I don't know. I-" He looks down. "I saw my dad the other day."
Oh, wow. "I don't think he saw me. If he did, he didn't acknowledge me. I think my mom said he found another girl and got remarried." He continues. "It's been on my mind even though I keep trying so hard to just let it go." He sounds frustrated. I feel bad for him. I know what it's like to have your father ignore you. But I don't have any super advice. "I wish he didn't affect my life!" He hits the table. "Here I am, a grown man with my own life and I'm still worried about this man who refused to raise me!" He stops suddenly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"No!" His eyes shoot to mine. "I'm just- I... Uh... I just mean that you shouldn't feel bad that you have- that you have feelings. My dad still bothers me." I tell him, trying to make him feel better or something but I think I just sound stupid. "Not that our situations are the same I j-j-just mean- I don't know- I wish that my dad would've at least forgiven me at my mom's funeral. But it's probably my own fault. I shouldn't have been there, not when I was-"
Stop. Stop talking.
At my abrupt stop Craig's eyes draw back up. But my mouth is already shut, tight. He doesn't say anything but does he have to? I know he knows what I was going to say or has an idea at least. God damn it. He's judging me now. He has to be. Who goes to their mother's funeral high?!
"You really...?" He trails off but my mouth remains in a tight line. He doesn't finish either. Instead we eat in silence again.
"I... Didn't." I sigh. "Know. How. To... Feel." I explain painfully pausing after every word. I reach a hand to my head and grab a handful of hair before I continue. "After she passed away. It just got so much worse... I d-dont know- never mind."
"Tweek,"
I cut Craig off before he can finish. "I just-just c-couldn't stop! If I wasn't high, I thought about -about it and... I don't know."
"What happened?" I give him apprehensive eyes. "You think I'm gonna judge you or something? Please, Tweek, there's nothing you can do that'll make you a worse person than me." He assures me.
I shrug, "I met Hunter. Hunter sold drugs so I never ran out." I chuckle, sadly. "Of course it started to become not enough. Hunter wanted to make me feel better. So he got me... stuff that would do the job." I tell him. "You know... It- it was cocaine..." I say, blatantly. The word leaves my mouth like a knife being pulled from my throat.
Craig just nods silently. So I continue, "Easily, I got hooked. And one thing lead to another Hunter and I broke up but coke and I were closer than ever." I push my noodles around. "It was bad and then got worse. I just didn't care. If you told me I would die- and I definitely would have died at the rate I was using- I wouldn't have cared. I didn't have a reason to be alive any ways."
I wrap my fingers around my hair. "I don't know why I stopped. I guess I just realized- Or more, I remembered what you told me... And I just broke down. I found a group and I got a sponsor. When it was all said and done we started going out. Rayne." I conclude.
Craig's face is unsettling and I'm about to address it when he says, "You should go." I just blink at him. What part upset him? I knew I shouldn't have told him. "I just think it's better if you don't hang out with me when you're dating him."
"What are you talking about?" We're doing this shit again?!
He stands taking his plate and mine. "Tweek, this is wrong."
I gap at him, "You said it wasn't."
He looks at me with a very serious look. "You have a boyfriend. You should spend your free time with him." He says. He sighs, "I think this was a bad idea. To go back to this, I mean." He says, gesturing between us.
"You're in a relationship and I'm not. You were right about this being too much like a date. Maybe we should keep a professional relationship. I just don't think we can get back what we had and it'll be worse trying for something we can never obtain, especially if you're in a relationship already. You know what I mean?"
I scoff, "No, no, I have no idea what you mean!" This can't happen again. What the fuck. He doesn't like me at all any more. Did I talk about Rayne too much or- or was it the drug abuse? "Craig,"
He shakes his head, "You need to go. And you don't come back and you don't call me in the middle of the night-"
"Craig,"
"What are you doing?!" He snaps. "We can't keep doing this. When we dated it was awesome, but you broke up with me! Now we're older we're- we're different..." He says. "Let's be honest, your boyfriend doesn't want you over here and I don't want you over here anymore either. Please just leave now."
Clenching my fist I shout, "I was honest!" I snap, sharply. "You said you wouldn't care and I told you the worst parts of my life and now you're kicking me out?! Does that even sound okay?" Craig rubs his eyes. "It doesn't." He won't look at me. "You know it doesn't!"
"Tweek, please go." My mouth moves but I don't speak. I can't find words. What else could I say? He'd shut me completely down. But I can't... He can't... do this to me. "C'mon, Tweek, don't make this difficult."
Stumbling back to my car after being told to leave the lobby of Craig's apartment building- can you call it that? Isn't that what it is? I was standing in there for far too long just doing nothing. I wasn't even thinking. I was trying to process, if not why Craig threw me out like that, then why I care so much that he did.
I guess... I was finally starting to feel okay again and that was partly Craig's doing- all Craig's doing(?) And that brings me to a bigger question. One I don't even know how to word. However the answer vibrant in my brain, throbbing against my skull and stressing me the fuck out!
After getting in the driver's seat of my car I reach both hands to the side of my head, tangling the fingers in my hair.
This shouldn't have happened.
What is Rayne? Why did I start to date him? I don't like Rayne! I never liked people like Rayne! He was a great sponsor, just what I needed at the time for my problem but why did I start dating him. He was just so good at comforting me when my mom wasn't there anymore. Why did I move in with him?
I know the answer to that too now. It suddenly all hits me like a load of bricks, like a wrecking ball smashing into a building, everything crumbling after impact.
Rayne was just substituting for my mom.
He's just like her. I need her so I need him. But Craig's who I really want. But now he doesn't want me. I can understand... I've got too much shit. If I were him I wouldn't want to deal with it either.
Now what? Am I supposed to tell Rayne? I don't want to do that. I don't think I'm ready to lose him yet still...
My phone in my pocket vibrates. I yank it out convinced it's Craig calling to tell me he over reacted and wants me to come back.
Instead it's a number I don't recognize. I hit answer regardless still a little hopeful Craig has a house phone or something.
A deep husky voice enters my ear that sends chills down my spine, "Hey, babe, long time, no see. I'm in town and if you want... Well, I want you to swing by if you're free." My mouth feels like a desert and everything in my body screams. "Could be like old times."
But what I wouldn't give for just a minute not feeling like I'm gonna jump out a window from the stress.
"Yeah... Sure, Hunter. Where are you?"
