CHAPTER NINE
Arizona -
I'm being strong; I'm being a good man in a storm, but I'm freezing. I dare not even shiver or flinch for fear of waking her up, but I am seriously cold. The sweat I had broken from the venture here has long since cooled and clung to my body. The baggy scrubs I've been wearing for hours are soaking wet from the grass and the gentle breeze atop this hill is anything but warm. Yet, I don't move. I minimize my shivering to the quietest teeth clattering I can manage, and I keep my arm wrapped firmly around her. I keep telling myself this is just conditioning for the days, weeks, months ahead of us. But that doesn't ease the chill as it runs down my spine.
She jerks forward and out of my arms without warning. "Ari! No!" she screams, her voice traveling around the park before echoing off into space. Her breathing is rapid and labored as I smooth up and down her back, trying desperately to calm her.
"Calliope, baby, I'm right here. It's okay." I shush the words against her hair, placing fragile kisses to her temple as I do so. Her shoulders shake with silent sobs as her hands move to cover her face. We sit like this, in mutual silence, until her cries subside.
I rise cautiously, slowly. Not just to be careful of her reaction, but to keep my cramped legs from buckling under me. Extending my hand to her, I patiently wait as she stares at the offered appendage. After a few more seconds of observation, she grasps my hand and I help her to her feet. We remain standing there for a moment, just gazing into each other's eyes. Knowing words would break the miniscule bubble we have around us. I move first, wrapping my arm around her slumped shoulders and begin us back towards the hospital.
Callie -
The only thing I can feel is the freezing cold air as it sends chills down my spine. I'm sure the wet grass and my wet pants aren't helping things either, as I slowly allow Arizona to lead me back to the hospital, to her waiting car, to home. My limbs are heavy at my sides as she rubs her right hand up and down my arm, trying to warm me, comfort me, or just to keep that connection with me. I realize being wedged into her side right now is the only thing keeping me together, keeping me grounded, and I nudge myself a tiny bit closer to her as another gust of wind leaves me shaking. I shiver again and Arizona stops us suddenly, turning to face me. "Sweetie, are you okay?" I manage a small nod as she extends her arm around me again, hesitatingly, waiting for me to lean into her. Almost as if she's scared I'll want to run again. I reach up with my right hand and lace our fingers at my waist, showing her I'm here, that I know she's here, and that I need her. I know she'll want to talk about the dream I had. Why I had awoke shouting out for her. But I'm not ready to speak, not yet. I can barely move, let alone come up with sentences. But I want her to know that she's making this easier, even just a tiny bit, just by being here with me.
I stop walking and she glances at me from the corner of her eye. I see it again, written all over her face, the worry. "Calliope?" I can't answer her, but I do manage to turn my head slightly, connecting my lips to her cheek and holding them there. Needing the connection, the warmth, something, anything. Desperately needing some resemblance of normalcy. I close my eyes, allowing myself this moment with her. I pull back slowly and she looks at me, smiling softly, not out of happiness, not out of lust, nor out of pity. No, she just looks at me with love, knowing exactly what I was doing; exactly what I needed, and I know silently she needed it just as much as I did. She squeezes my hand slightly and we continue walking back to her car.
As we finally arrive, Arizona reaches into her pockets, searching for her keys. When she realizes we bolted from the hospital and they are still in her locker, I hear her let out a quiet "Fuck" under her breath, and I can't help by smirk slightly at her usually reserved vocabulary. She looks at me and shrugs her shoulders, the contact on my lower back never ceasing as she turns to check the door handle. It lets out a quick pop, and she sighs in relief. Normally, I would probably hear shit for not locking the doors of her precious car. But, after an impromptu visit to her apartment left me needing transportation to work, and after one of our "time consuming" showers, I was likely in a rush to make it into work on time and forgot. And today, apparently, I get a pass. Even though I still feel numb, the walk back, and her unwavering strength next to me, has allowed me a few moments of clarity, a few moments where I actually feel like myself.
"What? No lecture, Dr. Robbins?"
She scoffs at me as she guides me to sit in the passenger seat. She gets on her knees and grabs my hands between hers, rolling her eyes at my sarcasm, as well as the incredulous look I'm currently giving her. "Not tonight, Dr. Torres."
She looks at me, and I look back, smiling slightly and I see her eyes sparkle, if only for a second, at the fact that I've finally spoken to her. I instantly feel guilty. She's being so amazing, so gentle, so loving, and I desperately wish I could give her more. My eyes drop to my lap and she firmly pulls my gaze back to meet hers. "Ari...I...I'm sorry, I can't...can't be more."
"Hey, no ... stop, okay? I'm going to run inside, grab my keys, and then we'll go back to my apartment, get into some pj's, and I'll hold you until you fall asleep. Sound good?" She throws me her dimples for good measure and I squeeze her hands and nod. She kisses my cheek, closes the door softly, and I watch her sprint across the parking lot. I take a deep breath, crack my neck to relieve some of the built up tension from today's stress, and allow myself, once again, to drift to sleep, silently thankful that I left the freaking car unlocked.
Arizona -
Again? Really, Callie? You leave my car unlocked, again? What am I going to do with you?
I let it slide this time as I help her settle into the passenger's seat. "What? No lecture, Dr. Robbins?" She asks innocently, knowing my attachment to this car.
Oh if you only knew, I think to myself. But she spoke to me, directed a statement to me by name. An easy smile breaks across my face as I play along and roll my eyes. "Not tonight, Dr. Torres."
A couple moments of silence stretch on before she breaks it. "I'm sorry, I can't…can't be more" Where the hell is this coming from? She has nothing in this world to apologize about right now…except maybe the unlocked door thing. But that's neither here nor there.
"Hey, no ... stop, okay? I'm going to run inside, grab my keys, and then we'll go back to my apartment, get into some pjs, and I'll hold you until you fall asleep. Sound good?" She nods and after I press a kiss to her swollen cheek, I turn and run for the hospital.
I hate leaving her alone, this is the first time she's been by herself since I told her. The worry that resonates deep within me spurs me faster as I sprint through the automatic doors and take the stairs two at a time up to the locker room.
"Robbins!" A deep voice calls out to me as I run past. Mark's eyes are desperate and pleading, yet still compassionate. I don't stop, but I slow down so he can walk along side me. "What's…how's…?" He can't quite find the right way to ask, I understand completely.
"Can you talk to Derek about getting us a few days off?" He didn't know how to ask, and I didn't know how to answer, so I dodged instead.
He nods eagerly, "Of course, no problem."
"Thank you, Mark. I just forgot my keys so I'm going to grab them and then I'm taking her to my place. Hers is too familiar, she'll cave in on herself there." I explain, as calmly as I can. As we reach the locker room door I pause and turn to look at him. Mark's never been one to really show emotion, but his best friend just lost her world and he's clearly concerned. I sigh and try to paraphrase the state Callie's in. "She broken, Mark. She doesn't know which way is up or down. You saw her after George, now multiply that by 100."
His eyes go wide; he was a first hand witness to the George situation. He's also lost most of his family, so he can relate to the pain she's enduring. He plants a firm grip on my shoulder, "Go. Take care of her. I'm always available if you want tag out for a bit, in case it's too much." I inhale deeply and smile, Mark Sloan has been earning some major brownie points these days. Nodding, I retreat to the lounge, quickly grab our purses, and rush back out.
I make it back outside without any further interruptions. As I jog towards my car, I squint to see through the tinted windows. Although the shading is almost too dark to see through, it's blatantly obvious there isn't a silhouette in my passenger seat. Shit shit shit shit. She ran again? I had hoped, at least, that the literal form was done with for the night. Shit. I come up faster to the car, hoping that maybe it was just too dark to see, and my tired mind was playing tricks on me. Nope, no Latina curves in that seat. "Dammit!" I cry to the sky, whose idea was it to leave her alone? Oh yeah….crap!
I fling open my door to throw my purse inside and am startled to the point of squeaking. I clutch my chest in true dramatic form as relief floods my veins. There, reclined past the window's edge, is a sleeping Callie. Brow furrowed slightly in what I can only assume is a dark version of a memory. As my heart rate returns to a normal pace, I sink into my seat and start the engine. Upon one more glance at my co-pilot, I see that she's out cold. I turn left out of the parking lot instead of the right I would usually take. I'm taking the long way home, I need the break, and this will be my only opportunity.
Clutch, stick, gas. Clutch, stick, gas. Clutch, stick, gas. Clutch, stick, gas.
And it all flies by in a vibrant display of life.
Callie -
I feel her placing soft kisses on my cheek, pulling me from my slumber. I take another deep breath and look to my left. Even with all that's happened today, I still think she's beautiful. I close my eyes once again, silently saying thanks for whatever I've done to deserve this amazing woman next to me. I allow a silent tear to escape, and the atmosphere instantly changes in the car. Her body tenses next to me, and she takes her hand from the gearshift and places it on my knee. "Hey, it's okay, you're okay, we're home now." I open my eyes, look to her worried expression, and I realize I need to give her this, I need to find some way to thank her for chasing after me, for staying, for being here. "I...I...Arizona...I..." I trail off, sighing loudly in defeat. She softly shushes me, giving me a tiny smile for comfort, letting me know that I don't need to say anything, and gives my knee a light squeeze for punctuation. I shake my head. "...thank you."
It isn't much, and it's probably all I have to give, but she looks at me with so much love and adoration, I know it was everything. She grabs my hand, squeezing once, acknowledging me, knowing nothing else needs to be said. "Let's get you to bed." I nod and she opens her door, quickly rushing around to open mine and extends her hand. I take another deep breath, trying to find enough strength to make it up the stairs. As I place my hand in hers, I slowly smirk at her, Arizona, my knight in shining armor, always the chivalrous one.
I know these moments of normalcy will be few and far between in the coming months. I can feel it, but as she leads me up the steps to her front door, I relish in living in this second. Her tight embrace, her subtle vanilla body wash, and the coconut pear infused conditioner I made her buy for my apartment, knowing I would love waking up and falling asleep surrounded by it. But really, just giving her another reason, making sure those tiny things happened surrounded by her. For this second, I allow myself an ounce of happiness, of contentment, even if it only lasts a second long before it's gone once again.
I can tell she's nervous, she's fiddling with the lock, trying to pull off being smooth, being strong for me, but she's kinda crashing and burning. Finding a bit of strength for her, I place my hand around hers to steady it and we turn the key together. I chuckle softly and she mumbles an offhanded "...thanks", flipping the light switch as we enter the large living room. With its light gray walls and numerous hanging pictures her patients have drawn her, I think it might secretly be one of my favorite things about being here. Her decor is so classy and grown up, but the whole apartment is filled with colorful kid drawings of super heroes, princesses, animals, and a certain blonde with her beautiful smile in each and every one. I'd never admit it, but I secretly think to myself sometimes about our kid's drawings adorning the walls of our own home one day. But, you know, only sometimes.
She rushes to the kitchen, fidgeting around in the cupboards, looking for something to eat. "Baby, I bet you're starving, let me fix you something, you haven't eaten since the party. She looks up suddenly with panic in her eyes "...shit." She curses under her breath, realizing she just reminded me, bringing the past through the door with us, bursting the near comfortable bubble we'd somehow managed to create with each other over the last few hours. "I...I'm so sorry." She rushes to my side, pulling me into a tight hug that I simply can't return. Not because I don't want to, I desperately want to, want to be close to her, feel her tightly pressed to my body, I need that more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life. But my arms, once again, are heavily weighed down, pressing firmly at my sides. She pulls back, looking me directly in the eyes, searching to see if she hurt me. All I can do is shrug and look at my feet.
"Why don't you go get into your pj's and I'll make us some...sandwiches?" She smiles softly, lifting her eyebrows and popping her dimples, trying to bring up a good memory to contrast the bad one, and I manage another twitch of my mouth and a small nod. She puts her arm around my waist and leads me to her bedroom, sitting me down on the bed as I watch her fumble through her drawers, haphazardly throwing clothes on the floor. She settles on a simple pair of black running pants and a wife beater, placing them next to me, patting them and looking from my face to the clothes by my leg. I know she's afraid to open her mouth again, lest she upset me once more. So I place my hand over hers reassuringly and she nods, gently kissing my cheek as she rushes out the door, back to the kitchen.
