The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas

Chapter 9: Massacre at Happy Oats Reindeer Farm


Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. I do, however, own Roberto, the resurrected bird that became king of the mother fucking sea gulls.

Summary: Tobi is sad because Itachi murdered his fertility hat. In order to appease the poor kid, Pein takes everyone to Happy Oats Reindeer Farm, where Santa Claus is supposed to make an appearance. One deer pisses Hidan off royally, however, and it all goes downhill from there.


Under Nurse Sasori's care, Deidara was fully cured of the poison Orochimaru had put in his tainted fruitcake. However, the antidote that Sasori had given his partner seemed to have a strange side effect, and so, the missing Rock nin was prancing around the house singing Christmas carols.

Tobi started following his senpai around, joining in his singing (much to everyone's horror). He was still wearing the fertility hat with the mistletoe dangling jauntily from it, and everyone fled before him as if he was a giant mosquito infected with AIDS.

If it weren't for the horrible, mind numbing singing, Kisame would have followed Tobi around to score some more kisses. But he instead decided to go outside and knock down neighborhood snowmen with his Samehada.


After being kissed twice the night before, once by a giant two legged fish and once by an old man stitched together with what looked like electrical tape, Hidan had shut himself up in his sacrificial chamber, and continuously thrust sharp and pointy things through every part of his body he could reach until he passed out from blood loss.

When he'd regain consciousness, he'd impale himself some more until he passed out again. This tedious ritual was apparently on a loop.


After suffering through hours of Deidara and Tobi singing, Itachi showed some backbone and boldly went up to them. He tried to use his Sharingan to make Deidara stop, but the singing neutralized his Genjutsu, and in the end, Itachi got caught under the mistletoe hanging from Tobi's God forsaken hat and had to kiss the delusional blonde.

"Aw…" Tobi said as the Uchiha and the blonde kissed. Itachi didn't find it cute at all because the antidote Deidara had taken made him drool like a Saint Bernard and it tasted horribly like Pledge.

Itachi glared at Tobi as he pushed Deidara away, and with one swipe of a kunai, he severed the string securing the troublesome mistletoe to the hat.

For good measure, Itachi lit the hat on fire, and Tobi ran about the living room, squealing like a stuck pig before Kakuzu opened the front door, pushing Tobi out of it.

The basketball head ran headfirst into Uchiha Hummer Mountain, and the fire was put out in the snow with a TSSSS.

Tobi clambered into his igloo and wept into his sexy green scarf.

"Well…I guess portable mistletoe was a bad idea," Pein said. Everyone murmured in agreement.

Itachi stalked away to vomit.

Deidara went back to singing Christmas carols until Kakuzu sewed his mouth shut and threw him in the storage closet.


In his sacrificial chamber, Hidan came to long enough to have dirty thoughts consisting of underwater sex with Frankenstein and stabbed himself in the eye with a spike, promptly passing out yet again.
"I know this is going to sound weird…but I feel bad for Tobi," Kisame said as he came back in the house, having trashed every snowman in a twelve mile radius.

He set his Samehada down by the heat vent so it could thaw out.

When he turned around, everyone in the room was staring at him as if he'd just revealed that he's Suigetsu's mother.

"What?"

"You're feeling sorry for him?" Konan asked in disbelief, dragging on her cigarette. Pein remained silent, sucking on a candy cane. Everyone was starting to suspect that there was crack imbedded in his candy, but no one was stupid enough to bring it up.

"Well…yeah. He's still crying. And talking to penguins that aren't there. And…he's sipping at make believe Vodka."

"…"

"Let's go see Santa Claus," Pein said suddenly around his candy cane.

"…"

"Where the hell did that come from?" Kakuzu asked. Pein nearly smiled.

"I think a trip to Happy Oats Reindeer Farm will cheer Tobi up. And it'd be good to get out of the house. Get everyone together, Konan, I'll go warm up the van."

When Pein left, Kakuzu turned to Konan.

"Is there crack in his candy canes?"

Konan blew smoke out of her nostrils.

"Isn't it obvious?"

She put her cigarette out in the clay ashtray Deidara made her for her birthday and went to get Itachi and Hidan.

Kakuzu shook his head and went to put his boots on.


Pein and Konan managed to get everyone in the van, even Hidan, who kept chancing nervous glances at Kakuzu for some reason. There was just one person left: Tobi.

Pein crawled into Tobi's igloo and had a drink of make believe Vodka with the masked wonder.

"We're going to go see Santa Claus and his reindeer. Did you want to come?"

"Santa? REALLY? YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Tobi squealed, throwing himself at Pein and hugging him so hard that Pein's candy cane popped out of his mouth and shot through the igloo's thick walls with the force of a torpedo.

The rogue candy cane missile hit the Gumby mailbox, and then the candy melted into satanic sugar goo.


It seemed that everyone in Hidden Rain and its surrounding suburbs decided to go see Santa Claus at the Happy Oats Reindeer Farm at the same time, because the place was terribly crowded. Of course, since Christmas day was the day after tomorrow, it wasn't unexpected.

Kisame kept close to Itachi as if the Uchiha would protect him from the hordes of misbehaved redneck children and rude old men that growled at you if you got in their way. He hated crowds, and under normal circumstances, he would just whip out his Samehada to clear a path, just so he could breathe.

But Leader had thought things through. Even under the influence of Candy Cane Crack, Pein had the sense to order everyone to leave all of their weapons in the van. He really didn't want to have to flee a crime scene again.

The reindeer farm was pretty much just a petting zoo that happened to have reindeer. Santa Claus hadn't arrived yet, though there was a stage set up, complete with a grand red throne fit for a king. A line a mile long wrapped around the stage, where frantic mothers and their hopelessly spoiled children waited impatiently.

Deidara wasn't singing Christmas carols anymore. Kakuzu had removed the stitches from his mouth, since it would look out of place in a public area.

In place of the singing, Deidara was having strange delusions and had the odd sensation that ants were crawling just under his skin.

Sasori kept spraying Deidara's hair with Pledge when the blonde wasn't looking, insisting that it would help relieve his symptoms.

Everyone else suspected that Sasori was actually spraying Deidara with Pledge because it turned the dirty little puppet on.

Whatever the reason, Pein turned back around and made Sasori put his Pledge can in the van's glove compartment. Spraying Pledge in public wasn't normal behavior for anyone, and it would draw unwanted attention to their Akatsuki cloak clad group.


After trying to keep the group together in the thick crowd proved impossible, Pein declared that everyone split into their two man teams.

"Alright, everyone enjoy themselves, and be sure to meet back here in three hours, when Santa Claus is supposed to arrive. I'll save a spot in the line for us with a clone. Now have fun!"

Pein summoned a clone, who slipped in line behind a kid in a wheelchair that happened to look a lot like Naruto, except his head was the size of a watermelon.


Tobi immediately dragged Zetsu with him to feed the llamas. Every time Zetsu leaned in close to get a nibble of the llama's ear, Tobi smacked him and pulled him away with a giggle.

"Silly Zetsu, llamas are for kids!"

"Can I eat the kids, then?"

"Sh…Don't talk in front of him like that. Tobi is a good boy."


Kakuzu and Hidan were pretty much just wandering through the crowd aimlessly, not stopping to look at any animals. The crowd gave Kakuzu a wide berth, which didn't bother the old man in the slightest.

He simply walked down the frozen dirt path, lost to his own thoughts as Hidan ranted and raved about how sick in the head Kakuzu and Kisame were or some shit.

"If you stick that creepy ass tentacle tongue down my throat ever again, I'm going to cut off your limbs, strap you to a wheelchair and roll you over to your bank, where I will force you to watch as I empty your account and feed your hard earned money to Zetsu…one fucking dollar bill at a time…"

Kakuzu wasn't listening at all. Instead, he was wondering if he could get Hidan alone somewhere. So he could kill him. Not kiss him. Though now that the old man thought about it, that wasn't a bad idea either…if only the priest would quit with his homophobic nonsense and come out of the closet already.


Itachi was staring curiously at a black goat that stood a ways by itself. Kisame was throwing feed at the more friendly goats, chuckling as the goats nibbled on the sleeve of his cloak.

"These flea bitten things are kinda cute, no?" the shark man said, beaming fondly at the goats.

"Itachi-san?"

Kisame looked up to see Itachi staring at the lone goat.

"Ah…does he remind you of yourself?"

Itachi said nothing. He continued to be quiet and moody, like only an Uchiha can be.


Konan hated kids and crowds, and soon fled to the ladies' room to sit in a stall and smoke.

Pein was left alone to twiddle his thumbs and suck on a candy cane. He sat down on a bale of hay, and a little kid came up to him.

"Hey, can I have a candy cane?" the kid asked. Pein's eyebrows flew into his hairline.

"Um…well…you see…"

"Oh, come on! I can see a whole bag of them under your cloak!" the kid whined.

"Shit…alright, just be quiet."

Pein gave one kid some Candy Cane Crack, and before he knew it, he had become the Sugar Daddy of Happy Oats Reindeer Farm.


"Ooh, look at the pony, Sasori no Danna! Isn't it cute, hmm?"

"That's a dog, Deidara."

"Oh…"

"Hey, look, Danna! It's Santa Claus, un!"

Sasori sighed and slapped a hand to his head.

"That's just the enormous backside of an old lady in front of us."

"Oh…"

"Hey, look…mmph!"

Sasori had ceased Deidara's delusional antics with a mouthful of dirty snow.


Kakuzu and Hidan had finally settled on throwing feed at the reindeer. Hidan started bitching at the one reindeer that wouldn't come over to the fence.

"Hey, you stupid little fuck! You think you're too good for me? Huh? I happen to know for a fact that I'm going to live forever…but you're just going to end up as Saint Dip Shit's dinner when this holiday season's over. You know that, ass wipe?"

People started leaving the area, totally outraged by Hidan's foul mouth. Kakuzu sighed.

"Do you have to find something wrong with everything?" Kakuzu growled.

Hidan threw another handful of feed at the deer and glared at his partner.

"Do you have to find something wrong with everything I do?" Hidan retorted.

Hidan had a point. Kakuzu glared at the deer happily munching up the ground corn.

"Hey, he's coming over here!" Hidan said. Sure enough, the lone deer was trotting over to the Akatsuki pair. When it got close, the other deer moved out of its way.

It looked straight into Hidan's face, dark brown eyes shining innocently…and then it sneezed, spraying bits of green mucus all over the priest's face. And since he'd been grinning at the time, it got on his teeth too.

"URGH! You flea bitten, Santa humping little fuck! That's it!" Hidan howled, and Kakuzu watched blankly as Hidan leapt on the reindeer's back, ripped its antlers right out of its head and stabbed the animal repeatedly.

Before Kakuzu could really understand what was happening, Hidan was slaying reindeer left and right, howling like a rabid wolf.


The dark side of Zetsu finally prevailed, and melted into the ground only to come up a second later in the middle of the llama pen, where he began to feed mercilessly.

Tobi crouched in a fetal position and wept for his fallen friends. Zetsu had most likely scarred him for life.


When Konan finally finished her entire pack of cigarettes, she went back outside to find Pein being loaded into the back of a cop car. Apparently he'd been caught selling crack laced candy canes to children.

"Oh, fuck…" Konan said and bombarded the cops with paper cut bitch slaps in order to rescue her comrade.


"Why, Itachi…why?" Kisame cried in anguish, standing at a safe distance from a burning field. Piles of charred bones that used to be cute animals were scattered here and there.

There was a sole survivor, however. The lone black goat took one look at Itachi, and fled the area, heading towards the open road.

"Run away, little Sasuke…"

Itachi smiled. Kisame, totally freaked out, gripped his cross and prayed for his soul.


Sasori and Deidara met up with Itachi and Kisame. For some reason, there was a sea gull with pink eyes perched on top of Deidara's head.

Kisame looked to the artists in utter confusion.

"Why is there a sea gull on top of your head?"

The bird pooped on Deidara's messed up hair. The missing Rock nin looked up at the bird and grinned.

"This is my son Roberto. We adopted him."

Sasori pointed at the Uchiha, who was shaking with villainous laughter.

"Why is Itachi cackling like Orochimaru?" Sasori asked. Kisame's little eyes widened with fear.

"I think he's snapped," Kisame whispered.


The black goat Itachi had dubbed "Sasuke" made it to the open road….and was run over by a reindeer. That reindeer happened to be pulling a shiny red sled that held a giant fat man in it.

Yes, children, it was Santa Claus, and he snapped his reigns at the deer, the bells on his sleigh jingling merrily.

When Santa pulled up into the farm, however, he stopped the sleigh and got out, looking around in surprise. No one was around. A woman made out of paper had scared everyone away when she killed the cops. But Santa didn't know that.

"Holy shit…it's the Akatsuki!"

Indeed, all of the Akatsuki were approaching. Most of them were splattered with blood. Overall, it was a very terrifying image.

Santa Claus, who was really Jiraiya in disguise, leapt back into his sleigh and turned around, getting the hell out of there.

There was a moment of silence, in which everyone looked quizzically at each other.

"I think we should go home now," Pein said, and everyone quickly got to the van.


A/N: Look, it's the sea gull that Itachi killed in chapter 4! Yay! The line Deidara says ("This is my son Roberto. We adopted him…") comes from Jim Gaffigan when he's doing Saturn comercial bloopers. It's on Youtube, and I found it hilarious.

Next chapter will contain a little more romance. As in Yaoi. Not sure if it'll be much of a lemon yet…it depends on how the characters act, and how brave I feel when I write it. I may just keep anything overly graphic out completely, and maybe post the dirty version somewhere else.

But come on, everyone gets DRUNK! Aren't you excited? I am…I've been looking forward to drunk Akatsuki forever!