Meanwhile, Frodo had wandered away, and kept walking until he came across Galadriel, who was standing next to a birdbath.
'Will you look into the mirror?' she asked him.
'That's a birdbath.'
'No, it's a mirror.'
'I'm pretty sure that's a birdbath.'
'How dare you question me? If I wanted to, I could just reach out and take that Oreo, and then you'd be sorry! FOR IN THE PLACE OF A DARK LORD YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN! NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! AS TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!'
'Well... that's nice...' said Frodo, backing away.
After a month in Lothlorien, the Fellowship finally decided to leave. Celeborn gave them all grey hoodies with leaves embroidered on them, and then Galadriel gave them each a gift.
'For you, Frodo Baggins, this torch. It was made by Eärendil, our most beloved star.'
'How can a star make a torch?' Frodo asked sceptically. Galadriel frowned.
'Do you want the torch or not?'
'Yes...' Galadriel handed it over to him.
'May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.'
'Isn't that what torches are for?'
'Moving on... for you, Boromir, this belt.'
'Thank you, my lady.'
Galadriel moved on to Pippin and Merry. 'Here, take these lightsabers. They will probably be of some use to you.' Then it was Sam. 'Here, have this rope.'
'Thank you, but couldn't I have one of those lightsabers instead?'
'No. For you, Legolas, this Nerf Gun of the Galadhrim.'
'Awesome!'
'Aragorn, there is no greater gift I can give you than the one you already have.'
'Cheapskate,' Aragorn snorted. Galadriel ignored him, and moved on to Gimli.
'What gift would a dwarf ask of an elf?'
Gimli shifted uncomfortably. 'Well...I know I just met you, and this is crazy...' he pressed a piece of paper into Galadriel's hand. 'But here's my number, so call me, maybe?'
More elves had loaded up the car with supplies.
'Trail mix!' Legolas said happily, holding up a bag. 'A single handful is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man.'
'Farewell,' Galadriel said as the Fellowship got in the car. 'May the force be with you!'
The Fellowship spent the first hour or so of their journey discussing Galadriel's gifts.
'"May it be a light in dark places" – it's a torch, for Eru's sake! It's supposed to be a light!'
'I must say, this belt is of exquisite craftsmanship.'
'What was her gift to you?' Legolas asked Gimli.
'I asked for her phone number,' Gimli replied mistily. 'She gave me hair.'
'There's something following us!' Frodo said suddenly, looking out of the back of the car.
'That's just a log, Mister Frodo,' Sam said comfortingly.
'It had eyes!' Frodo insisted.
'Oh, that'll be Gollum, Aragorn said airily.
'What?'
'He's been following us for ages now. Didn't you get the memo?'
'Um, no.'
'Look, the Argonath!' Aragorn cried, pointing at two passive signs on either side of the road. One read, "Now entering the Anduin motorway". The other read, "Drive safely".
'Long have I desired to look upon the road signs of old,' Aragorn said happily. 'My kin!'
'Dude, did you just say you're related to road signs?' Boromir asked. Aragorn ignored him.
'Let's stop here for the night. We can take the Emyn Muil exit in the morning.' He parked the car, and everyone got out. Sam and Merry started a campfire. Pippin ate Pringles. Frodo wandered off (yet again) and nobody noticed (yet again).
'Aragorn, we should leave,' Legolas whispered.
'But we just got here!'
'Something draws near. I can feel it.' Merry tapped Legolas on the elbow, causing the elf to shriek and hide behind a tree.
'Frodo's mysteriously disappeared again. Just thought you might want to know,' Merry told Aragorn.
'What?!' Everyone jumped up and started looking for Frodo.
Frodo, meanwhile, was happily walking around in the woods. Suddenly Boromir appeared.
'Hey, Frodo, could I see the Oreo?'
'Sure.' Frodo took out the Oreo and was about to hand it over, when he stopped. 'Hang on; you're not going to be corrupted by its power and hand it over to Sauron, are you?' he asked suspiciously.
'Of course not!' Boromir said innocently. Frodo, however, was unconvinced and, shoving the Oreo in his mouth, turned invisible and ran off.
'Frodo, what the hell?' Boromir shouted. 'You're overreacting a little!'
Frodo ran back to the campsite, which was empty because everyone was out looking for him. He got into the car and after a few false starts managed to get the engine running and drove off.
Just then, Sam ran out of the trees and started trying to run alongside the car.
'Mister Frodo, wait up!'
'I'm going to Mordor alone, Sam.'
'Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!'
'Oh, Sam. That's completely illogical.'
'But Mister Frodo, I can't swim!'
Frodo stopped driving to stare at Sam in confusion.
'What does that have to do with anything?'
'Nothing,' Sam replied, climbing in through the passenger window. 'But it got you to stop driving.'
Frodo sighed. 'Fine. You can stay. Now, which way is Mordor Hotel?'
'No idea, Mister Frodo.'
'It's a pity that Legolas ate the satnav.'
Thranduil: *Is drinking wine* For the perfect evening party, you want Dorwinion wine. *drinks more wine* Dorwinion wine is delivered in handy barrels, perfect for transporting in vast quantities to partiesh. Dorwinnian Wine, fit for kingsh! *drinks more wine*
Director: *whispers from off-screen* You weren't supposed to drink that much… Thranduil: *downs rest of bottle* You're my bessht friend… Hey, whatss this? Director: The camera… the very expensive, hi-tech camera… Thranduil: *drinks more wine* Howzit worrk? *accidentally destroys camera* Director: Dammit, Thranduil! Thranduil: *drinks more wine* That's a baaad word. You shouldnn't say baaad words. *passes out*
LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI: Yes, homework is to blame for everything. Vile, vile homework. And Kili has been shipped.
LegolasGreenleafLove: I'm afraid Kili has already been claimed… will Legolas do as a replacement? *blinks anxiously*
Gollum girl2003 Coraline: HA! But why would a gift shop be called a salon? It must have been a front for a secret and ominous government agency…in which case the poisoned lembas would make sense. You win this round.
StormwalkerofLorien: Yep, although the Director may have traumatised him. *glares at Director*
Director: What was I supposed to do? Honesty is my policy. That, and senseless killing sprees.
Legolas: *sniffs* Nasty director. We told you he was tricksy, we told you he was false…
TheLazyGondorian: Aww, thanks! And Kili is just too popular for his own good. I'm afraid you'll have to settle for Fili.
Doctor Legolas: Here's Gimli. And that sounds like a fun day-trip.
The Sherlocked Phan of Bag End: You can certainly have a mini Merry, but… I wouldn't advise using him as a homework companion. Apparently paper smells like mushrooms…
Rorythedragon: Yes, poor Gandalf. Though one could argue that it was his own silly fault for getting too close. And everyone should know that loud noises just make them angrier.
DancingChestnut: How do I think of this? Chocolate. Chocolate and insanity. And watching LOTR in a sleep-deprived state.
UndercoverHobbit: CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIREWORK and here is Thorin for you.
Ooh, ooh! Did anyone watch Agents of SHIELD?
