Deep Ravine

Chapter 9: Together We're Stronger

Tension, or maybe it was simply anticipation, saturated the sitting room. Mai's heart thumped in her chest and she was certain that the sound it made resounded throughout the entire space. She swallowed hard a few times while skipping through the first letter's words of greeting. She wanted to get to the meat of the reply. When she reached a paragraph somewhere near the middle, Mai hesitated for a moment, glancing up at Zuko. He gave her an encouraging smile and stroked Miyako's cheek as if to remind Mai that there stood her family, the ones who loved her and wanted her to heal, the ones who needed her, the ones she needed.

"Okay." She spoke the word under her breath as if it could make her brave, and continued to read.

The letter was from a friend of Iroh's, a woman connected to the Order of the White Lotus, but not a member. She was a midwife.

I've been around many new mothers, hundreds and hundreds, and your letter brought to mind a young woman I knew years ago in Ba Sing Se. She was a sweet girl, a happy girl, optimistic and full of life. And when she married and then found herself expecting a baby, she was thrilled. Her smile lit up every room she stepped into. She could not wait for that child to come. Her name was Mara, that's right. I

Anyway, when the day came, I attended the birth. Everything went smoothly. The child was healthy. Mara was fine, tired like all women after giving birth, but fine. I came back the next day to check on Mara and the boy. Yes, it was a boy. Mara was listless and her eyes had lost their light. Physically, she was recovering nicely. I assumed she was simply exhausted and needed a bit of extra rest.

She didn't say anything about feeling sad or angry. She didn't say much of anything. Days passed and her family grew worried. They wondered what was wrong with Mara. I wondered what was wrong with her. How did she change so quickly? How did a woman who wanted her child so badly show little to no interest in the baby? How could a happy person sink so low in such a short time?

No one knew what to do. Some wondered if Mara had lost her mind and some wondered if she was simply unfit to be a mother. I was helpless and I hated that. Eventually, she came out of it. It took months. And it was gradual. But she got better. Whatever had taken hold of her mind let go. I have no words of wisdom to give you other than to show love and kindness and support to the mother. With that, one hopes, she can heal.

Mai dropped the letter on to the floor and tore open the next one. The Mara woman had had an experience similar to her mother's. And she got better like her mother did; more evidence that pointed to a bright, healthy future. Mai felt a rush of hope warm her up. Wanting to keep Zuko abreast of things, she looked up and gave him a nod.

His answering smile warmed her even more. Miyako squirmed in his arms. Zuko sat down on the floor, placing the baby on the carpet nearby, giving her room to wriggle. He gave Mai space and time to digest whatever she read, time to read more. Patience had never been a quality he possessed in abundance. But over the years, he'd worked on it, fought hard to gain more. And he'd won the battle. The Fire Lord was not the most patient man in the world and he still exploded on occasion, but when it came to the important things, he showed remarkable composure. Mai was proud.

What she read next was darker. Mai bit down on her lip and squeezed back tears as she tore through the account of a woman who ended her own life after months of suffering and finally rejection at the hands of those who should have supported her no matter what. There were women who attempted to hurt their babies, driven by no one knew what. They were cast out of their homes, their villages, driven away like Zuko had been. Mai knew well his hurt. She could imagine that of those women.

Recalling her own ambivalence to Miyako and her occasional bouts of resentment, Mai shivered, wondering how close she might have been to actually hurting her daughter. Had it been possible? Was it still? Did she really have any sort of control over this thing that had invaded her body and mind, poisoning them both? Or was it illusory, something to hide behind; the meditation and the exercise and the tea and the talk?

Eyes drawn to the carpet where Miyako cooed contentedly, Mai stared at her baby. She was so tiny, so vulnerable, so dependent upon her love and Zuko's love and yet so resilient. The thought of hurting her physically sickened Mai and her heart twisted inside, ached and throbbed at the very idea.

Could those women be blamed? Were their minds so tainted by their depressions that control over their actions was no longer theirs? What to do then? How could such women get better? Why was Akira lucky and Mara while others sunk deeper into their despair? She had so many questions and no answers and her frustration grew.

"I need to go," she blurted out. "I just, I….." Shrugging thin shoulders, Mai gave her husband a helpless look before darting from the suite. The letters scattered on to the carpet, rectangles of white against the red.

~~~~0000~~~~

She knew that Zuko would follow her; keeping his distance, allowing her room, but there should she need him. And Mai felt her love for him swell once more. The love was always there; a constant. But at some moments, a moment like this one, it became more intense, was heightened by a gesture, a tender kiss, a sacrifice, a laugh.

His robes whispered behind her, a comforting sound. She ran, her own robes floating dreamily, heading she knew not where. Turning down random corridors, Mai finally ended up outside, in a small courtyard. At its centre sat a fountain, dragons carved into the stone, water trickling into the basin. Small fruit trees, planted in large pots, grew lush and green in every corner. Two stone benches sat near the fountain and Mai dropped down on to one with something akin to relief.

The sun was hot on the bare skin of her face, too hot and she wished she could move the bench beneath one of the trees. Compromising, she moved herself. The shade provided a reprieve from the heat. Mai closed her eyes, still sensing Zuko's protective presence nearby and breathed deeply, again and again, until her heartbeat was steady and calm, her mind quieter.

So much to process. So much to think about. Miyako….

The quiet vanished and her mind descended back into the whirlwind.

So much for meditation.

Grateful that this condition she suffered from was not unique to her and her mother, confused by the varying degrees of its severity, horrified by what some women were driven to do, Mai dropped her head into her hands.

She knew he would come to her. She wanted him to, needed him to.

"Mai, I'm here." Zuko kept his voice steady and sure. But an edge of fear coloured it, fear and such deep worry. His hands trailed down her hair, stroking. Zuko moved her dark mane to one side. His lips found her neck, her ear. His raspy words caressed her skin. "Tell me."

Mai gathered up her courage and her thoughts. "The letters, they…"

"It's okay."

Zuko took her unresisting body into his arms and pressed it to him. How was it possible for one human being to make another feel so safe and cared for, adored and loved? How did the beat of his heart, the smell of him make everything seem so much better, good seem possible, all things attainable?

"Some of the women killed themselves." Mai gulped back a sob. "Some of them, oh, some of them hurt their babies."

"You couldn't…" Zuko said fiercely. "You would never….." He hugged her tight, so tight that it hurt.

"How do you know?" Mai demanded an answer with just as much ferocity. "What makes me different? I'm scared, Zuko." There it was, stark and terrible.

"I know."

"What do I do?"

"Do what you're doing; work at getting better, talk to me, to Iroh, to your mother, your brother, your friends. It's helping. I can see it."

"But when will I know that everything is all right? Will it ever be all right, really? Will Miyako be safe with me?"

This time she allowed the sobs their freedom while her husband peppered her cheeks with kisses, desperate to make her feel better, to make it all go away.

"I don't know, I don't know, but it will be. And Miyako is safe with you. I don't doubt that, not at all, never. I couldn't."

"Let's hope that belief doesn't came back to haunt us."

They were chilling words. And it hurt to say them, hurt both Mai and Zuko. She broke away from Zuko's hold and wiped her damp cheeks and eyes.

"Are you ready to go back?" Zuko cupped a cheek and stroked along the bone with his thumb.

"Yeah, I suppose."

Fingers linked, they walked back to their suite of rooms, somber silence between them.

~~~~0000~~~~

Iroh was surrounded by a pile of correspondence. He was deep in thought and did not hear the young couple arrive back. Miyako was on his lap and he kissed her head absent mindedly, while holding her steady with one arm.

"Oh," the old man declared when he detected their return. "Good." He peered at Mai from beneath rather bushy grey eyebrows. "I can see why you're upset, dear, but…"

"But," she interrupted. "But nothing; you read about those women and what they did." Saying it like that, with disdain and venom, Mai felt as though she were somehow betraying her own kind, passing judgment. "Yeah, I'm upset."

He pointed to the chair opposite him. "Sit."

Mai sat. She placed her hands in her lap and waited for whatever bit of optimistic wisdom Iroh might impart.

"A lot of the women healed, more than didn't, it seems. I would take that as a positive. And," he placed a single letter on the table. "I don't think you read Katara's. You should."

Without a word, Mai snatched it up and read. She felt their eyes on her, Zuko's and Iroh's, intent, watchful.

I thought that something wasn't quite right at the naming ceremony. I wanted to ask, but sometimes Mai can be sort of intimidating.

The Fire Lady snorted.

And she's not the easiest person to talk to.

"True enough," Mai agreed under her breath.

I want to help. Mai should be enjoying these days with Miyako. Health and healing, they're all about balance in the body. Something is out of balance inside Mai. The birth triggered things. I've seen it a few times myself.

Mai wondered where the inspiration was, the hope that Katara was so famous for.

Oh, she's going to hate me, isn't she, Iroh? I have no instant cure and no guarantees. But if she takes exceptionally good care of herself; eats well, sleeps well, exercises, sticks to a routine, talks about what she's going through, the imbalance should right itself. It sounds like she's trying that already. And I'll bet by the time you get this letter, she'll be better than she was.

It takes time and effort and lots of love. I know how much Zuko loves Mai. He'll be a huge help. Don't let her be afraid of Miyako. Don't let Mai shun her. She needs to spend time with her baby. If all that doesn't help, and it should, I'll come to the Fire Nation and try to coax her body and mind back into a balanced state.

What Mai needs to remember is that what is balance for her now will be different than what was balance for her before she gave birth. Her body is different now. It's not worse, or better, just different.

And tell her that we love her, me and Aang and Kya. Tell her not to give up. Tell her to fight.

The emotion behind Katara's words and their sincerity startled Mai. The words restored some of her hope too, banishing the worst scenarios, forcing her to focus on the positive ones. She'd gotten along with Katara, and considered her a friend. But Mai's relationship with the waterbender was nowhere near as close as those she had with Ty Lee or Suki or even Toph.

At that moment, though, she loved Katara. And she would one day, in her own way, let Katara know.

~~~~0000~~~~

"I won't let those bad things happen."

"Zuko, I know you mean well, but you can't control everything. You can't be with me all the time."

"I don't care. I won't let them happen. And you won't either. And you'll keep getting better. And one day soon, all this will be a memory, and you and Miyako and me and maybe….." he stopped himself, but Mai knew what he had almost let slip out. He was thinking about a second child.

"You can say it."

"Maybe another baby, we'll be happy."

"If I didn't have you…" That was a thought too terrible to contemplate.

"You do, always."

"You make me happy. Even through all this, you, Zuko, make me happy. You give me the will to keep going. And sometimes, it's so, so hard."

"We've been through so much."

"Yes."

"We're strong."

Mai nodded and flashed Zuko a smile.

"We're stronger together."

"Stronger together," Mai mimicked.

"Are you tired? You look tired."

Mai could not repress a yawn. "Mmmmm….." She slid down beneath the sheet and the light blanket, turning onto her side, resting her head on the pillow, waiting for Zuko to wrap his arms about her.

He did and nothing had ever felt more right. Nestled against Mai's chest now, Miyako continued to sleep. Mai put an arm around her. That felt right too.

~~~~0000~~~~