No room for innocence
With Sirius back in Hogwarts breakfast turned into a longer affair. It just didn't seem logic to Sirius that he should hurry just because Remus wanted to lock himself up in a laboratory with the most unsavoury person in the whole castle.
"Damn it, Remus, stop it. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the bloody birds are humming their horrific tunes and there are fresh muffins for breakfast. I'm not going to let you leave for the library or your desk just yet. Far too early! And look, there are Albus and Minerva."
Annoyed Remus put his mug down and fiercely threw another spoon of sugar into his tea.
"You have no idea what you're talking about. This wolfsbane thing is hideously complicated, I swear."
Shrugging Sirius helped himself to another muffin.
"At least it keeps the bat in the dungeons and far away from me, that's all I want."
Remus' not quite friendly reply was lost in the greetings from Albus and Minerva who, conveniently, arrived at the table that very minute.
"Good Morning, Sirius, Remus. Lovely that our beautiful summer sunshine is back, isn't it? Did anybody else hear the thunderstorm last night?"
Remus filled the mug Minerva held out for him while Albus heaped fruit salad into his bowl and topped it with yoghurt and an extensive amount of honey.
"No, I slept like a stone."
Replacing the honey pot Albus smiled.
"You're working too hard. I'm not sure if spending so much time with Severus is good for you."
Trying to smile and silently praying that he wouldn't blush like a thirteen-year-old Remus nodded and ignored the triumphing glance Sirius cast in his direction. Minerva nodded in agreement.
"Spending time with Severus isn't really good for anybody. At least I always feel slightly dim and lazy on top. And emotionally stable, which isn't that bad."
Sirius grinned, but then shaded his eyes and drew a face. His chair had the best view on the Forbidden Forest, and apparently he had seen something he didn't like.
"Speaking of the devil."
He pointed into the general direction of the forest, and everybody craned their necks. What they saw was a tall figure emerging from the shadows, slowly walking towards the castle and then vanishing from view due to the incline of the path. Minerva squinted.
"Is that really Severus? I didn't know he had even left last night."
Albus shrugged, but his gaze was steady on the tall figure until it disappeared from sight. Sirius rolled his eyes, but stayed silent. Albus gaze was still fixed on the now empty pathway, and Remus had the sneaking suspicion that he was doing far more than absently-minded staring into the landscape while Minerva asked Sirius about his prediction concerning the upcoming Quidditch season, a topic that was always sure to inspire lengthy monologues.
And he was right. Not even minutes later Severus appeared at the entrance to the orchard. But he didn't move towards the table. Staring back at Albus he crossed his arms on front of his chest, visibly annoyed. The frown on Albus' face deepened and he put the spoon he had just picked up down again.
"Do I have to yell at you across the orchard?"
Severus snorted.
"You just yelled at me across the whole damn grounds. Thank you for the headache."
Sirius looked confused, but Minerva tried to smile as neutral as possible.
"Good morning, Severus, why won't you join us?"
But he refused the invitation shaking his head. He looked more tired then annoyed, and it was obvious that he hadn't been simply enjoying a morning walk in the forest. He was clearly dressed for an evening occasion, wearing a slightly toned down version of what wizards considered elegant dress - a dark frockcoat, heavy fabric, the white of his shirt collar barely visible.
"Thank you, no. I will return to the castle."
But Albus wasn't done.
"Where have you been?"
Apparently that was a question Severus hadn't wanted to hear.
"Private business. Anything else?"
Still sitting silent and watching the unfolding of events Remus sipped his tea once more. Putting down his mug he sniffed almost involuntarily, and the earthy scent of opium hit him. No wonder Severus wasn't in the mood for breakfast.
And apparently Albus realized something similar that very moment. Without saying anything he got up, and with few steps closed the distance between Severus and him.
Wordlessly they stood facing each other, watched by the three remaining occupants of the table. For a moment nothing happened, but then Remus saw a shift in Severus facial expression, lines appearing on his forehead for a second. They were gone again quickly.
"I want to talk to you this afternoon. Come to my office at two."
There was something like disappointment in Albus' voice, but it was very faint and almost overridden by his discontent. He sounded like he chided a student, and for a moment Remus wondered whether Severus took well to being talked to like that.
It became immediately clear that he didn't.
"Stop yelling at me in my head, or I won't come anywhere anytime soon. And now excuse me."
Without further formalities he turned on his heel and stalked out of the garden, ignoring the surprised glances from the table and Albus' half-formed reply.
A few seconds Albus stood where he had been, watching Severus' retreating back. Then he sighed, turned around and returned to the table. Sitting down his face still clearly showed that he was dissatisfied with the outcome of the situation, but when Minerva carefully inquired he all but shook his head.
Luckily the morning newspaper arrived at that precise moment, and the bold headline "Scandal at the Ministry - Leak in the upper ranks! Top security information gone astray!" occupied everybodys' attention quickly. Even Albus took the offered part of the newspaper, visibly glad the he could then join the conversation on this new development.
A few hours later Remus stood in front of the wooden lab door, knocking three times, and finding the door locked. It was obviously that Severus wasn't there, and he didn't appear in the five minutes Remus waited for him in the corridor. He felt disappointed and lucky at the same time, hoping that at least he'd be spared Severus' probably homicidal temper after his meeting with Albus that had probably turned into a proper shouting-match.
So instead of brewing Remus decided on spending the afternoon in the library. He still had many questions concerning Hyle, and reading up on them wouldn't hurt in the slightest. Now he still had time he could spent with these things, but in a few weeks he'd have to return to his own subjects and start preparing lessons for the new year. It was just as well that he would now indulge himself with his new favorite subject.
In the cool library Remus had the pick of free working spaces. Nobody was there, after all, and he decided on a table tucked away in the Herbology section. Calling a few books on Alchemy to him he settled down and concentrated on the chapter before him.
It took almost an hour before he noticed that he wasn't alone at all. Only when a few bookcases to his right something fell to the ground and the noise disturbed his work he took notice of his surroundings. Curiosity got the better of him again, and as silently as he could he got up and made his way around the bookcases.
Three rows towards the entrance he discovered Severus. For a moment Remus felt mortally offended - after all he had been stood up. He considered marching over and demanding an explanation and an apology, but he discarded the idea quickly when he realized that Severus was absolutely lost in concentration.
The man hadn't even realised that one of his pencils had dropped to the ground, providing the noise that had come to Remus' attention. In front of him he had three large tomes, heavy and completely covered in dust. Besides a black bound notebook and a few parchment scrolls a modern looking dictionary lay in front of him, and he seemed to translate a passage of text from one of the books, from time to time double-checking in the other two gigantic volumes and vigorously flicking through the dictionary.
Remus only saw parts of his shoulders and back, slightly huched over the desk. He had changed into his usual clothing, a loose dark robe draped carelessly over his thin shoulders protecting him from the chill inside the library, and looked as if he had at least taken a long shower. But even from his point of view Remus noticed the lines in his face, indicating that maybe he hadn't slept as much as it would have done him good.
For a moment Remus pondered his options, and then decided on letting it slide. Silently he walked back to his own desk, sitting down and picking up his own work. There would be another day for lab work, and at least he would now be able to tease Severus with his forgetfulness and demand recompensation.
Turning his mind back to his own work he tried to concentrate again. But it was more difficult this time, his mind too aware of Severus' presence in the same room, his ears involuntarily picking up every sound - a turned page, scratching sounds of pencil on paper, wood creaking with movement.
Minutes later their shared solitude was interrupted. Remus heard the large doors to the library open, and then steps on the stone floor, determined picking their way through the rows of shelves. For some odd reason Remus felt the disturbance on a level that went far beyond simply being interrupted in his work - as if it were something intimate to share a library with someone sitting meters away.
Silently Remus hoped that whoever had walked into the library would quickly find their book and leave. But he was out of luck. The steps crossed the library, and came to a halt right where following Remus' orientation Severus was sitting.
Then he heard Albus' calm voice.
"Here you are. Why didn't you come to my office?"
It took a while for Severus to answer. "What time is it?"
Remus heard the sound of creaking wood. Apparently Albus had sat down on a bench or chair.
"It's half past four already."
The sound of rustling paper and a large volume being shut were the answer.
"Ah, I thought it was about two. And I forgot Lupin."
More sound of rustling paper and the closing of books, and then Albus voice, calm but not gentle.
"Do you really think you could run away from me?"
A very short moment of silence, and a final book being closed.
"Do you think I'd still be here?"
Suddenly it dawned on Remus that he was eavesdropping on something that probably was very private. But there was no chance he could vanish without anybody noticing him. And the library was a public space, more or less.
"That makes me sound as if I were Tom Riddle."
There was something beyond the calm and controlled patience in Albus' voice, and Remus wasn't sure he liked it.
"I wouldn't put that thought away too quickly."
Remus tried not lend sound to his surprise. He wasn't sure if anybody had ever compared Albus to the insane dark wizard, but he'd know in an instance whether Severus would survive it or not.
"Severus."
That was all, and it seemed to be enough.
"So what do you want to hear?"
There was just enough rebellion in Severus' voice that Remus picked up on it. The wood creaked.
"What about the truth, for example? You vanish at night but tell me that you are away on some private matters, you return home looking ragged and high as a kite. What are you doing? Answer."
The wood creaked again, and Remus tried to breathe as silently as possible.
"Private business, as I told you. It has nothing to do with any of my duties and therefore does not need to be brought to your attention."
Albus' voice changed from calm to more agitated, more determined, but also more dominant.
"I do think it would be in my interest to know if one of the members of my faculty relapses into drug addiction. We all have responsibilities here, if you care to remember."
For Remus' ears Albus sounded very much like his own father reading him the riot act before things became uncomfortable.
"First, it isn't term time and my actions endangered nobody, for once. Secondly, if you want to accuse me of neglecting my duties as Head of House feel free to do it at a staff meeting, in public. And thirdly I do not approve of your current use of Legilimency. If you attempt to break into my mind there will be consequences. I am well aware that I do carry a certain responsibilty towards you and the order, but my personal affairs still remain private. I might be your subordinate, but I'm not your slave."
It was clear that Severus meant what he was saying, and Remus heard in Albus' reply that there was history to this remark.
"Now, don't overreact, please. I promised you I would never break into your mind again, and I stand by my word. But I have to protect people, and although you hate it and try to make it as difficult as possible - you are one of them." There was a short pause and then Albus continued. "Why Opium? You've already ruined yourself, why continue beyond that? Think about the future."
Remus' heard the silent laugh, laced with pure acid.
"What are you talking about? There is no future to think about."
Surprised Remus leant forward a bit. He hadn't expected Severus' to go into details this quickly. But Albus ignored what turned out to be a perfectly placed bait.
"What are you hiding?"
There was silence.
"Finally we've arrived at the point of the matter. Do you not trust me?"
It didn't seem to be a question at all.
"Don't forget who you are."
Albus' remark was sharp without any space for interpretation. According to the sounds Severus had jumped up from his bench, but his voice was surprisingly steady, yet low, silky and very dangerous.
"Splendid Albus. I had almost forgotten, thank you for the reminder. I appreciate your thoughtful kindness."
Then Remus heard him turn on his heel, and then his quick steps echoed through the room.
"Severus!"
But Albus yelled in vain, and seconds later the heavy door of the library was slammed shut with such a force that Remus' table vibrated. In the following silence Albus' exasperating sigh seemed much louder than usual. Then Remus heard his slow steps on the stone floor, the door opening and closing much softer than before, and he was gone. Remus was alone in the library once more.
But that didn't quite help with his concentration. The room seemed to still vibrate with the harsh words spoken and the silent threats and emotions, and once more Remus felt himself wondering how exactly the connection between Severus and Albus worked. It didn't help that the chapter on Hyle in front of him seemed to become more complicated with every sentence. It didn't take him long to face the fact that he wouldn't get any work done anytime soon, and so he collected his notebook, and decided to find a more comfortable space. It was a beautiful day, after all, and it was no use wasting it inside.
Not even fifteen minutes later he was on his way up the stairs to the astronomy tower, book in his hand, with the intention to spent the remaining time till dinner perched on the stones in the sun, enjoying the beautiful view and indulging in a new essay collection from his favorite muggle author. The tower had become one of his favorite hiding spots as soon as he had discovered that he could enter it any time of the day now that he was a teacher and many of the restricting spells designed to keep the students from trouble where tied to age stopped applying to him.
Pushing open the wooden door he walked onto the outdoor platform and stopped dead in his tracks. Seated on the right end of the large stone balustrade, with his back against the warm stones of the tower walls sat Severus, long legs stretched in front of him, feet crossed at the ankles. He held a small leather-bound volume in one hand, and balanced a halfway smoked cigarette in the other. Looking up from his reading he stared at Remus with the same surprise on his face that Remus felt.
"Were you looking for me?"
Shaking his head Remus crossed the platform and stood next to Severus at the balustrade, placing his own book on the warm stone. Carelessly Severus flicked the ash from his cigarette away.
"Actually I was looking for a place to read. Great minds think alike, I guess."
Severus' only reaction was a raised eyebrow before he took a drag. The wind carried the exhaled smoke away quickly.
"Apologies for forgetting about our appointment."
Surprised Remus blinked. He never expected to hear an apology from Severus once in his life, and here it was, spoken easily, as if Severus ran around being honest and formal and friendly all day. His rage seemed to have dried up quickly. This was getting stranger by the minute.
"It's fine, I gather you were still asleep. Spent the night at opium den, right?"
Surprised Severus looked up, but Remus supplied the explanation immediately.
"Opium has a strong smell, it was rather obvious. At least to me."
Pensively Severus nodded, but instead of answering he simply took another drag from his cigarette. Remus picked his own book up again and climbed on the balustrade. Throwing a scrutinising glance over the stone rail and registering the height of the tower he decided to keep his legs firmly on the inside.
"Afraid of heights?"
Remus grinned.
"Usually not, but this is really high. And I think flying without a broom is rather unlikely. And illegal."
Severus exhaled smoke once more.
"As if anybody would care. Unsupported flying isn't as difficult as it seems. Just takes some practise and someone to push you over the edge."
Now that was something Remus could imagine, Voldemort pushing someone down a cliff and calling it a lesson.
"Been thrown off something?"
It was supposed to be a joke, but Severus simply nodded and shrugged.
"Seems to be the only way to learn it."
It took a while for Remus to make sense of that.
"Are you telling me that Voldemort taught you how to fly? Unsupported flight? By throwing you off a tower? That's insane."
Grinning Severus exhaled smoke again.
"In the end it's only a spell, albeit a rather rare and complicated one. Don't even try. And don't run and tell Albus, he wouldn't be amused."
That was a lot of information in a very short amount of time, and somehow Remus remained sceptic. Unsupported flight was something a lot of people had been thinking about for a long time, and also one of the few things forbidden by a strict magical law. One doesn't fly or mess with time, period. On the other hand rules were something Voldemort hadn't ever shown a greater respect for.
"I can imagine Voldemort throwing someone off a cliff, but actually teaching something?"
That was an absurd idea. Voldemort was a monster, not a teacher or someone who was likely to share his knowledge. But Severus shrugged again and examined the remains of his cigarette.
"You just arrived at one of the core problems the Order has. Voldemort might not be quite human any longer, but he used to be very different. How do you think so many decided to follow his lead? Today politics and war have taken over, but back in the days it was something entirely different."
That didn't seem very credible to Remus.
"So back then they pillaged, plundered and killed with added thought and philosophical theory to it?"
Slightly annoyed Severus threw the bud of his cigarette over the balustrade and watched it vanish in the depth.
"Of course not, the murdering part was always rather pointless. But there were other things that were much more important."
Remus felt himself running out of patience.
"Other things? What other things? I can't even imagine what you're talking about."
Reaching up to his left ear Severus produced a fresh cigarette he must have kept tucked there, in the process accidentally freeing a few strands of black hair he then brushed out of his face.
"Yes, and as I said - that is a typical problem the Order has. Nobody can imagine how tempting these things were, how alluring Voldemort's call once was. And for some still is. You're underestimating him gravely, his charisma and attraction. He is powerful, that is seductive in itself, but he also has knowledge and he passed both, knowledge and power, on to those joining his ranks. There's an attraction of doing evil you cannot imagine. Especially for those of my generation when the difference between what we were taught and what reality was had large gaps. He could bridge those."
Something inside Remus' mind refuse to belive that. How could Voldemort's call ever be seductive? How could doing wrong, causing pain, murdering be deemed worthwhile?
"What difference?"
It surprised Remus how determined Severus was. Apparently he had spent a lot of time thinking about these things, and seemed strangely keen on sharing his thoughts.
"Reality and upbringing. Purebloods were, and still are taught that they are the natural born rulers, told it again and again. But then they arrive here, and more likely then not they end up being Slytherins. Inside their house the hierarchy still works, but outside they are considered to be evil, and not worth mingling with. It's even worse when they leave the school finally. Isn't any Slytherin a dark wizard or witch by definition? Something becomes the truth when you hear it often enough. And then Voldemort calls to them, telling them that yes, it's right - they are the better ones, they are born to rule, they are powerful. And evil, and all of that is very attractive, seductive and mysterious."
To Remus that sounded like looking for excuses.
"So society is to blame and not the one who carries the wand and casts the curse?"
Sighing Severus rested his head against the stone wall behind him.
"I never said that. But a movement like the Death Eaters doesn't appear out of nothingness. Context is so important, but it's blatantly ignored. But no surprise - how many percent of the Order members are Gryffindors? It's a privilege that can be used, and most of them use it. Albus does and has been doing so forever. This has been going on for a long time. Many of Voldemort's followers think of this fight as vengeance, sweetly after a long time, taking back what's supposed to be theirs."
Slowly Remus managed to sort through his many thoughts, but the result didn't please him in the slightest.
"And what about simply letting the past be the past and moving on? Vengeance is such a stupid concept."
Severus nodded, but raised an eyebrow. "You overestimate the personal greatness of many of us."
Both stayed silent for a while. Remus still tried to sort through his thoughts, but he couldn't find an outcome he liked. He thought about the many lives already lost in this war, the suffering of all these that he knew - James and Lilly, then Sirius in Azkaban, nearly losing his mind and life. He thought of the others he had known and knew, and his own luck or fate. And now Severus was telling him that those who clearly were victims in his mind could actually have done something wrong? That the system that had supported him for so long was at fault?
"Why are you telling me that now?"
It didn't really make sense, yet, but Remus already knew that he would spent hours thinking the concept through. As reply Severus simply shrugged.
"Probably because you're listening, and no Order member usually listens to what I say. Wrong time wrong place for you."
That, actually, was a truth Remus could only agree with. No order member would listen to Severus, mainly because his standing in the Order was still highly disputed. His security amongst the order members was mostly built on Albus' protection and the sneaking suspicion some had that attacking a proclaimed Death Eater wouldn't be a very good idea if one valued one's own physical health. Knowing now how fragile the connection between Severus and Albus really was Remus couldn't help but feel how unstable the ground underneath Severus' feet must feel.
Severus, in the meantime, snapped his fingers and lit his cigarette on the small green flame.
"Did you practise, by the way?"
Looking up from his contemplation Remus had to shake his head. Severus took a drag.
"If you don't work on it you won't get far."
Pulling a face Remus nodded, and then succumbed again to his mental chaos. Severus didn't seem to mind the silence. Leaning back against the warm stone his eyes wandered over the Forbidden Forest, loosing their focus somewhere in the distance. For a full cigarette he stayed there silent, and Remus felt as if he had done something to gain the honour of his presence without really knowing what it was.
But finally Severus finished his cigarette, picked up his book and left the tower. Poppy had promised him a new bandage for his still aching wrist, and considering the rather sad state the current one was in since the heavy rain it seemed like necessary change.
They met again at the dinner table in the orchard. Remus was already seated next to Sirius when Severus arrived and, after standing around for a moment, walked to his usual chair to Albus' left. Only because he was already watching them Remus saw how Albus reached out and wrapped his fingers around Severus' bandaged right wrist, pulling him carefully down. Nobody else seemed to have noticed, but for a short moment some emotion Remus' couldn't correctly place wandered over Severus face.
Then he sat, mostly in silence, and endured the lively conversation while staring mostly at his untouched food or the glas of wine he nursed.
Sirius, next to Remus, was the driving force of their evening's entertainment. He told anecdotes and jokes with ease, teasing his happy audience and smiling broadly. Remus enjoyed his friend's high spirits enormously. Azkaban had nearly destroyed him, but he was slowly turning back into the man Remus had known for so long. The sun had supplied him with a tan, his hair had grown out again and become more tameable, and the added weight on his bones helped to create a more healthy look. Remus knew that Sirius wasn't looking forward to turn into a dog again for the upcoming school year, and his intense exploitation of the easy summer days could be easily be understood in that context.
Their lively evening conversation was interrupted by a solitary owl carrying a newspaper. The special edition of the Daily Prophet had been highly anticipated by everybody, and the new scandal had already been at the center of their conversation before the owl arrived. Multiple hands reached out to take the newspaper from the owl, but Minerva batted a napkin at every possible thief and defended her information privilege. To prevent a brawl she unfolded the newspaper and started to read the leading article aloud.
"Hands away, this is my newspaper! You're worse then my fifth-years fighting for a sip of mulled wine. Okay, listen. You've seen the headlines, scandal, and so on. Right. So: This afternoon the ministry confirmed to the press that investigations against a leading ministry employee are taking place. Long-term employee Harold Overy is under suspicion for having sold highly important information, matters of national security, and so on. Also immoral lifestyle, what age do we live in? Immoral lifestyle! What did he do, commit sodomy with his pet toad? Anyway. Overy has been released from his obligation, but resisted arrest and has been on the run since three days. The arrest warrant has been issued on charges of espionage and high-treason. Relevant evidence, armed and dangerous and so on."
She turned the page around.
"And here's a picture. Doesn't look very friendly, that Mr. Overy."
Remus glanced at the page. A snarling magical photograph, in black and white, looked back at him. Overy had a crude face, with rough features and cold eyes. Minerva was right, he didn't look very friendly at all.
"I never knew that there were spies in the ministry. Considering the general disorder there I'm not surprised. Did he work for Voldemort?"
Suddenly all eyes were on Severus, who looked up in mild annoyance.
"Not as far as I know."
Sirius snorted.
"I guess your boss doesn't tell you everything, then. Fallen from grace, are you?"
Severus raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything Albus cut him of, desperate to keep the peace. Severus threw him an annoyed glance and returned to his sulking silence.
"Whatever it is, I am sure we will find out soon. Would you mind if I threw a glance at the article, Minerva? Thank you for sharing your newspaper."
Reaching over the table Albus took the paper, and from there it made the round. Severus glanced at the article briefly before handing it over to Pomona Sprout. When it arrived at Remus' place he examined the picture once more. Somehow the face seemed familiar, something in the cut of the cheekbones and the small eyes resonated with him. But he wasn't sure. He probably had seen him somewhere before, maybe even in the newspaper - there were so many pictures of high-ranked ministry employees around that it was likely. But when he passed the paper to Sirius and looked up Remus registered Severus unreadable glance upon him. Remus tried to smile, but Severus simply turned his head and focused on Minerva who was reading another small article aloud.
But Albus had noticed, too, and his observing gaze was fixed to his very own spy for the remaining hours of the evening, while Remus racked his brain for a clue to where he had seen the face of Harold Overy before. But he remained dissatisfied and went to bed with the feeling of having forgotten something vitally important. Even in his dreams he couldn't remember what it was.
(c) Fayet - 6/10/2014 (updated 15/10/2015)
The whole flying-thing sounds like I made it up, but I didn't - pure canon here! Amazing. I wondered how Voldemort would teach someone how to fly, and pushing people off towers and cliffs sounded just too much like him.
